


constellate

by iwannadreamforever



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clarke & Aden are twins, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, F/F, Happy Ending, It can get cheesy sometimes, Light Angst, Nobody is Dead, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Clarke Griffin, POV Second Person, Smut, mentions of sexual abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:47:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 142,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28529448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwannadreamforever/pseuds/iwannadreamforever
Summary: “She’s pissed at you.” He grins then, but it falters when he sees the pained look on your face.“I mean, what did she expect? Did she want me to leave a freaking love letter? A ring? A proposal? God, we were drunk for Pete’s sake.” You groan, but the moment Aden’s eyes widen, staring behind you, you know it’s too late.Your breath hitches in your throat and you don’t bother turning around, already knowing who has heard the entire thing.ORThe one where Clarke and Lexa only sleep together when (slightly) drunk.
Relationships: Abby Griffin/Jake Griffin, Aden/Ontari (The 100), Anya/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 199
Kudos: 671





	1. and so we meet again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year!!
> 
> I am back! Hopefully with a (fluffy and sappy) story you guys will all like.  
> So I have been trying to keep this story a bit happier than my previous story(s).  
> Just read tags before starting. Can get cheesy from time to time!
> 
> Once again, this is a trial chapter!! So it might take me a few weeks to upload again.  
> Let me know what you think and what you would like to see in the future chapters.  
> One promise is that I will finish this fic!  
> Enjoy!
> 
> PS: once again giving you my favourite [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3aDiDhD5pHVgMQHO13gAuh?si=nqbY4GaVTXaOMXYkmR30Nw), I add songs all the time, feel free to listen.
> 
> For questions, suggestions or other things, feel free to email me on iwannadreamforever97@gmail.com.

\\\

You barely remember a thing. You have no fucking idea what happened when you wake up in a bed that does not feel familiar.

You have no fucking idea where you are, or most importantly – _whom_ you are with.

But when you rise the blankets, watching your body naked and marked near your hips (who the fuck marks so obsessively anyway?), you know you have been having fun the night before.

Not that you mind the marking, you are pretty sure you are the type of girl that likes it rougher than… usual.

It still feels strange waking up and remembering nothing at all. No recollection of the night before.

You are scared to glance beside you, but the moment you do, memories come flooding back to you instantly.

Your eyes widen in shock when you remember it.

A brunette is lying beside you, facing you. A brunette with a gorgeous fucking face, angelic even.

She is _totally_ your type. You glance at her for a moment, trying to ignore the dull aching in your head, trying to ignore your stomach trying to betray you.

This girl is far too pretty than you would have ever imagined. She is lying on her stomach, her arm was casually draped around your waist before, but you gently slid it off.

She has long, slender fingers and limbs. Her arms muscled, her upper right arm covered in the most intriguing tribal tattoo you have ever seen. A geometric tattoo going up her spine, an infinity symbol in her neck.

You wonder why she would choose such tattoos. They are not standard or regular, they don’t seem like they would be picked in a drunken stupor. They look like it has been designed really carefully and you find yourself wanting to trace the patterns with your fingers, but you don’t.

You gaze moves from the soft skin of her back, up to her face. That strong, sharp jawline that has you drooling. Those thick, plump lips that you remember are absolutely talented at kissing and other _inappropriate_ things.

Her regal, small, but long nose. Her eyelashes, her eyebrows. You try to remember the colour of her eyes and you think it’s green, because you have a strong memory of just gazing into green eyes drunkenly.

You have no idea if those eyes actually belong to her, but you smile when you watch her sleep. You know you shouldn’t care.

You know you should just leave. You always leave after one night stands. You always leave after having _fun_.

Somehow, you can’t bring yourself into leaving instantly. Just because this girl is… probably prettier than anyone you have ever slept with. The way she softly snores, that tiny smile on the corner of her lips. So perfectly content, you find yourself wanting to look at that forever.

You can’t bring yourself into leaving, not just _yet_.

Probably because you also remember the mind blowing sex you’ve had with her and you gave her not one, not two, but multiple orgasms and you remember what it sounded like when _she_ came, shuddering in your arms, a train of cruses slipping from her parted lips.

You bite your lip, slipping out of the bed, trying to compose yourself, trying to hold yourself together while your body tells you that you must drink water and sleep for another three days.

You grab whatever clothes you can find from yesterday, for as far as you can see in the early morning gloom of the sun slipping through the dark curtains.

You tiptoe out of the womans bedroom, but not before you glance at her one last time, as if you are saying goodbye forever.

With a smile, you slip into the hallway, searching for you’re the rest of your clothes.

You can’t find your panties. Whatever, fuck it. You slip on your jeans without even caring about not wearing your used panties.

You cannot find your bra or shirt either, so you just make do with a random hoodie you find in her bathroom.

It is a grey hoodie with the big letters ‘Georgetown’ written all over it. This must be a smart girl, attending a university like that.

You realise that you don’t even know the name of this girl. You ruffle your blonde hair, tying it in a loose bun before grabbing your jacket. You check if you still have your phone, keys and wallet.

When you do, you slip into your shoes, not bothering to try and find your socks.

You silently make your way out of the apartment, rubbing your eyes when you take the elevator down. You yawn a few times.

Yeah, you have definitely missed too many hours of sleep. Even when you are drunk as fuck, having sex until deep into the night, you still tend to wake up early and it annoys you to no end.

The apartment building seems better than your own in Santa Monica, but the moment you set foot outside in the early morning sun, you have no fucking idea where you are.

The street is nearly empty, the gentle breeze in your face waking you up properly.

You want to find a cab to bring you home, but this neighbourhood seems completely deserted.

You groan, rolling your eyes to yourself. You should stop sleeping around like this. You should stop pretending like you’re in college.

You’re not. You’re a grown woman, with a very responsible job and you should stop. Except that you can’t.

You need your release every once in a while, and relationships are just not for you. No time, no need for feeling emotionally attached to someone.

You groan again when you walk around the corner. It almost looks like you landed in the fucking suburbs of LA.

Who on earth would want to live here? You find a tiny coffee shop, ordering a taxi on your phone while you order a triple espresso.

You need it. The barista flirts with you, even though you know for sure you look exactly like _everyone_ on their walk of shame.

She writes her number on your cup and you just wink at her. She is cute, that’s it.

You will probably never call her anyway. You should really stop being like this. This time of your life should be over, you’re a freaking adult.

The taxi thankfully arrives not all too late. You throw away the cup when the barista isn’t looking and you drop yourself into the back of the cab.

You give him your address, leaning your chin on your hand as you stare outside. It takes at least ten minutes before you recognize where you are, another half hour before you are home and well.

The sun is further up in the sky when you unlock your front door. You yawn, despite the triple espresso you’ve had earlier. You make your way into your kitchen, brewing more coffee as you lean against the tiny bar that separates your kitchen from your living room.

“Walk of shame?” the heavy male voice startles you, almost making you drop your phone as you turn around to see Aden peeking at you, just from over the back of the couch.

His blonde hair is messy, standing mostly straight up as he yawns, his blue eyes half-lidded as he looks at you with a sly grin.

“Hmm.” You nod, grinning when you see how pale he looks, looking like he’s about to throw up. “What the hell are you doing on the couch, Ade?”

“Lincoln slept in my bed and Raven in yours.” He groans, clearly not agreeing with the bright way the sunrays make their way into your living room.

Aden, your brother and your roommate. Your twin and your best friend. Despite your differences, he is the only one who completely understands you, even though you are so different from him.

“Raven and Lincoln _hijacked_ our beds? Ade, you’re stronger than that. Did they really make you sleep on the couch?” you roll your eyes, secretly amused by your other best friends, making Aden sleep on his own couch.

Raven, Aden and Lincoln are all your best friends, really. Lincoln has been ever since you met him in class when you studied social work at Berkeley. Raven has been ever since you were forced into detention with her at high school.

The moment you introduced them to your brother, you all hit it off and you have been really inseparable since.

It’s funny how things change, though. Aden was this shy, serious kid and he turned into a confident young model and actor, following in your parents’ footsteps.

You were the quite opposite, actually. You have always been confident in the things that you want, even though they were quite different from what everybody expected.

Everyone always thought you were going to make it to Hollywood, too. But you never cared about money, about fame. You always wanted to help others, so you did. You studied social work, psychology as a minor and you have your PhD.

You work for child protective services and you try to help every kid that you can.

Lincoln is quite the same, really. Though he is more quiet, you instead put on a mask and pretend everything is fine, while most of the time, things are not fine. But you hide it, you put it somewhere away, so that people won’t see.

You’ve always been like that and Aden is the only who truly knows.

“I _offered_ to sleep on the couch. I am kind like that.” He groans, sitting up fully, shirtless.

You grin at your brother, making him a mug of coffee.

“Where did you go all the sudden, though? We saw you with this girl and then you just…” he gestures an explosion with his hands. “…poof. You were gone.”

“Ade, my _god_.” Your grin grows as you finish the coffee, handing him the mug as you sit down beside him. “I had the best night of my life, I’ll tell you.”

The smirk that forms on his face tells you that he is proud of you. That was always a fun thing to do with him. You were always able to share this with him, no shame, no secrets. Just the truth and plain gossip and you love it.

As you speak, you rise to open the doors to your balcony, letting in the subtle wind.

“She was so fucking hot. I swear, Ade, she was _so_ out of my league.” You groan, remembering what the woman looks like you just slept with.

“Nobody’s out of _your_ league, Clarke. How was the sex?” Aden asks, sipping on the coffee, his hair still standing straight up. The blanket covers the lower part of his body, but he removes it, leaving him in nothing but soccer shorts.

He props up his feet on your coffee table and you grab a mug yourself, joining him back on the couch.

“Mind blowing. I swear, Ade, nobody has ever made me come the way she did. I don’t know _how_ she did it, but god…” you throw your head back groaning, feeling that familiar ache in your hips that tells you that you had a good time.

“What’s her name? Did you get her number?” he asks curiously, but you already shake your head.

“You know I don’t do shit like that, Ade.” You grin at him, drinking some coffee. You wrap your hands around the mug, smiling when you remember the night before.

The woman had been so gentle with you, from the start. She had been sweet, asking for your consent, even though you were both drunk as fuck.

“It is a miracle that I remember, though. Tequila usually makes me forget.” You wonder aloud, making your brother chuckle.

“You were pretty wasted.” He nods, smiling when you lean into the couch further.

“How about you, though? No sexy time for you?” you glance beside you, watching your brother roll his eyes.

“You left me! You were supposed to be my wing woman and you left me all alone there, Clarke!” he exclaims, falling back into the couch as well.

“Come on, Adey, you shouldn’t need me for things like that. You’re twenty-eight!”

“So are you!”

“I ended up having mind blowing sex and you ended up sleeping on _our couch_ because you cannot resist Raven and Lincoln’s pouty faces!” you laugh, earning yourself a shove in the arm.

You ruffle his hair, teasing him.

“Two minutes!” he yells, trying to push you off, but you are stronger than him, despite his muscular body. “You’re _two minutes_ older than me and you act like you’re ma!”

You let out a cackle of laughter, falling onto the couch, letting your poor twin go.

“Suck it up, Ade.” Another male voice suddenly sounds.

You and Ade look over your shoulder in sync, watching how Lincoln appears in your living room, wearing just about the same that Aden is wearing.

He is completely shirtless, stretching while he groans. “Did you guys have to be that loud?”

His skin is dark, his tattoos obvious on his arms and back.

“Morning. Sorry.” You grin in amusement.

“You had a good night, didn’t you?” Lincoln winks at you, his brown eyes sparkling with amusement as he walks to your kitchen, grabbing some fresh brewed coffee.

“Oh, I did.” You wiggle your eyebrows, watching your friend and current colleague sitting down in your favorited chair. “I am so glad I remember it.”

“You did? You seemed pretty wasted last night.” Lincoln giggles, taking a sip of the coffee as he slouches into the chair, his feet joining Aden’s on the coffee table.

Sometimes, you wonder why you all live apart. Sometimes, you wonder why Lincoln and Raven spend so much damn time at this apartment that you share with Aden.

They both have their own places, not all too far from here, and yet, at least one or two weekends a month, they are to be found here and they treat it like _home_.

Not that you mind – you love their company. They are your family.

“Tonight dinner at mom and dads.” Aden suddenly remembers, groaning again as he leans against you heavily. You let him.

“Why?” you yawn again, placing your mug on the coffee table as you lean your head on your brothers.

“Kane wanted us to meet his daughter.” Aden continues, sounding quite whiny.

“He doesn’t have kids.” You roll your eyes, but your brother shoots up, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Oh, but he does!” Lincoln also seems to know whatever secret you have been left out of. “He was a foster parent to this girl. She moved to DC the moment she turned eighteen, but she moved back to LA a few weeks ago. Kane has been dying to introduce her to us.”

Marcus Kane, your parents best friend. Sometimes, it feels like Kane is dating your parents, because he spends more time at your parents house than you do.

“I don’t remember.” You mumble, glancing between your brother and Lincoln.

Your brother rises from the couch, stretching just like Lincoln had before.

“Well, they are expecting us in Malibu at around five. But we could go earlier and you know… take a swim.” Aden grins, high fiving me before he moves to the bathroom to take a shower.

It sounds appealing. To take a swim in your parents pool.

Okay, so, your parents are these famous actors, your father even used to be a model. They are filthy rich, having this ridiculously large, multimillion dollar mansion in Malibu.

You've never been the type to brag about that, but you never complain either.

The way Lincoln grins at you tells you that he finds that a good idea as well.

“Wanna go early?” you laugh, watching your best friend nod. “I will wake Raven, then.”

Lincoln just grins, wishing you a silent good luck, before you disappear to your own bedroom.

You silently open the door, trying to hold back laughter when you see your other best friend, Raven, lying in your bed.

Or rather, _on_ your bed.

The Latina girl lies in the same outfit she wore the night before, her shoes on, her feet dangling over the edge of the bed.

She lies flat on her stomach, her pretty face turned towards you as you walk closer.

She is drooling on your sheets, her dark hair a mess around her. She snores loudly and you wonder how on earth she can sleep through basically anything.

“Rae.” You squat down, placing your face right in front of hers. “Raven.”

She moans in her sleep, but she doesn’t move, doesn’t open her eyes.

You shove her shoulder, to no avail. “Raven!”

“What the fuck?!” your best friend suddenly moves, almost hitting you in the face, making you stumble back and fall on your butt.

You laugh as you watch your best friend wake up, a startled, drunken look on her face.

“Why do you disturb me in my beauty sleep?” she groans, stretching, clearly not amused by you waking her up.

“Raven, you’re _already_ pretty and this is _my_ bedroom, just to clarify.” You laugh, finally balancing yourself as you get up. “We’re going to my parents soon.”

“But dinner isn’t until… _dinner_.” She groans, grabbing one of your pillows, hiding herself.

You fight her, snatching the pillow from her hands, leaving a dishevelled Raven on your bed.

She looks not amused, rolling her brown eyes into the back of her head, clearly not ready to interact with humans just yet.

“Anyway, if you wanna catch a ride, make sure you’re done in time. Imma order breakfast now, you want some?”

“The usual, please. Also, who is in the shower?”

“Aden.” You poke your friend in the sides, having her sit up straight.

“Fuck you, Clarke. Leave a poor old lady alone!”

“You’re like _two months_ older than me!” you exclaim.

“Now you know how it feels!” Aden’s voice suddenly sounds through the door, making you laugh loudly.

“Rae, get your ass from my bed and take a shower. You stink.”

“And _you_ smell like sex.” Raven suddenly changes her mind about being angry at you, sitting up, her dark hair a complete mess.

She looks beautiful, even now. You can’t deny the crush you once had on her, but you know Raven will be Raven, only ever your best friend and nothing more than that.

A grin forms on your face when you remember last night, for the umpteenth time. “It was amazing, Rae.”

“That girl certainly was hot.” Raven wolf whistles, sticking out her fist for you to bump.

“I am telling you, she’s like a fucking Greek goddess, made by Zeus himself and the sex… oh god, the sex was _so_ good, Rae.” You drop yourself onto the bed next to Raven, lying, staring at the ceiling. “Like so good that I can almost still feel it.”

“Gross, Griffin.” Raven scrunches up her nose, but laughs when she sees your pout. “I am happy for you. Did you get her number?”

“I didn’t even get her name.” your pout intensifies. Even though it was just meant to be a one night stand, and you have a rule about that, you regret not having her number.

Your rule. You never sleep with one person more than one time.

“You wanna break your rule with this girl?” Raven sits up, seeming serious, but the wide smirk on her face tells you that she is only happy for you.

“I would _definitely_ break my rule. God, she has magical fingers, Rae.” You groan, hiding your face in your hands.

You can _almost_ still feel her touches. The way she was gentle with you, despite being all drunk and horny as fuck.

“Okay, almost too much information, Griff.” Raven groans, sliding off the bed, trying to hold her balance as she shuffles out of your room, on her way to the bathroom to take a shower now.

You remain on your bed, realising that you still wear the strangers hoodie.

The hoodie that smells like… a mix of musk and flowers. The subtle familiar scent makes you smile, though, because you know it belongs to the perfect stranger.

The stranger with the intense green eyes. The stranger that kissed you so hard you couldn’t feel your legs. The stranger that made you come so many times, even you couldn’t remember your _own_ name.

You feel goofy when you think about it. Okay, so, you may have a little crush on said stranger. She is just… completely your type, even though she might be a little out of your league.

Even though you know _nothing_ about her, everything you had to know was just in those green orbs. You feel slight regret for not knowing her name. You try to remember, but nothing comes up.

You roll your eyes at yourself, sitting up again. You procrastinate standing up, because the muscles in your legs protest.

You feel like you had an entire workout yesterday. You grin at yourself.

You tell yourself you are feeling this way because it has been a while since you’ve gotten laid this _well_. You tell yourself you are feeling like this because it was the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen and you wish you had proof, evidence, anything to show the world that you, Clarke Griffin, had managed to sleep with a woman so fucking perfect, created by the Greek god himself.

You sigh, deciding to let it go, grabbing your phone to order the usual breakfast. You stand anyway, your legs a little wobbly.

God, you’ve never had this after sex. You’ve never been so sore. You can’t wipe the smirk off your face when you make your way back into your living room, grabbing a second mug of coffee as you make your way to your balcony, like you do almost every morning.

It is routine, but you love it. The only reason you chose this apartment is because of its location.

Your balcony has a view over the Santa Monica pier in the distance. The ocean waves are visible from here and you watch early tourists already strolling over the beach.

The beach here is your weakness. You have always loved it. You love to take long walks south, going to Venice, watching people surf and swim.

Los Angeles might be a bigger city than you would want to live in, but it’s truly beautiful, especially this place.

Your apartment isn’t big. You share it with your brother, but he never really minded about the _where_. You did, though.

And so, you find yourself enjoying the view over the ocean as you take a few sips, waking up in peace, feeling the subtle wind in your face.

Lincoln seems to have fallen asleep in the chair, but you wake him when Raven finished showered, scootching him towards the bathroom.

Sometimes, you feel like you’re their mom. You arrange everything, you make sure that everyone is ready on time.

You shower after him quickly, not bothering to get ready properly. Since you’re going to swim at your parents, you don’t put on any make-up.

When your doorbell rings, you let the delivery boy in through the intercom, knowing already it’s Jasper.

You open the door and he smiles at you, handing you the paper bag with your sandwiches.

He grins. You wink, making him blush. You say goodbye, closing the door.

“That poor boy has a crush on you.” Lincoln laughs, sitting in the same chair as before, wearing light jeans and a navy polo shirt. His muscles big, he grins when he grabs the bag, giving everyone their respective orders.

“He does not.” You fight weakly, but Raven’s grin tells you that everyone knows.

“Oh, come on, he does _not_.” You roll your eyes, starting your sandwich.

When you finish eating, you all grab your things. You put on your bikini, covered by a light blue linen blouse and shorts, wearing flipflops underneath.

You quirk a brow when Raven stumbles into your room, rummaging through your closet, pulling out clothes and bikini’s that don’t belong to you at all.

“Why do you have your things here?” you say in surprise, watching your best friend moving around as if it’s her place.

“We basically _live_ here, Clarke. We can’t live without spare clothes.”

“We?”

“Lincoln and I.” Raven grins, teasingly bumping her shoulder with yours, disappearing before you get a chance to say more.

You shake your head in amusement, grinning when you think of why on earth you didn’t just go for a large apartment you could share with the four of you, instead being cramped in this tiny apartment.

You make your way out, making sure everyone has everything, before taking your car. Raven slips beside you, while the boys sit in the back. You slide the sunglasses on the tip of your nose, your wild, blonde curls loose in the wind that is created by your open window.

You turn on the radio, getting ready for the forty minute drive to your parents’ house in Malibu.

You enjoy the view while you drive over the Pacific Coast Highway, enjoying the early hours.

Raven falls asleep beside you while the radio is echoing loudly through the car, Lincoln and you singing along while Aden seems to be practising his lines for the new movie he is starring in.

Yeah, your little brother might seem like a dork sometimes, but he is famous and popular with the girls. He has more than two million followers on Instagram and you totally understand why when you meet his sleazy gaze in the rear view mirror.

Your little brother is charming, just like your dad used to be when he was your age.

Aden’s eyes are big and blue, just like yours. You look exactly like him, hearing from many people that the only thing distinguishing you from your brother is your gender.

You’re not surprised. You and Aden both look a lot like your parents and you are truly grateful for that.

You hum along to the songs as you drive the familiar road. You arrive in Malibu, turning left on the highway. A gate stops you from entering further, but you put in a code.

The gate slides open and you drive your older Mercedes onto the white gravel that creates your parents’ large driveway.

When you reach the fountain, you park the car next to your fathers ridiculously expensive Jaguar. You hit Raven in the stomach to wake her up, stepping out the car before she can hit you back.

You smile when you notice the huge white house, giving you those typical Italian vibes. Palm trees around it, you make your way up the porch, walking around the house onto the terrace.

You can already spot your parents lounging in the sun.

“Clarke!” your father seems surprised to see you at such early hour. He hops from his chair, only in his swimming trunks. Even at his age, he still looks good. His abs show as he almost runs to you.

The sunglasses on his face fall when he arrives, scooping you up in his arms as if you weigh absolutely nothing.

“Hey, dad.” You grin, wrapping your arms around his muscled shoulders, holding him close.

You watch your mother rise from her seat, putting her book away. Her long brown hair is tucked into a braid, her brown eyes twinkling with happiness when she joins you.

Your father finally sets you down, his blue eyes beaming as he looks at you. You smile.

This is why you love going to your parents. No matter how long you haven’t seen them, they always, _always_ , love to see you.

You hug your mother next, slightly wondering where the hell your friends are.

“Did you come alone?” Jake raises his eyebrows, but you shake your head when you pull back from your mother.

“No, I _did_ bring the kids, don’t worry.” You grin, earning a chuckle from your mother.

“How have you been, sweety?” Abby asks, throwing a bathrobe around her body, despite the fact it isn’t cold at all.

“Good.” You grin, even though you feel like you are lying. Just slightly. You have been working so much lately, that you’ve barely seen your friends.

You’ve been working so much that you even had one day where you worked around the clock twice, not bothering to go home and change.

But you don’t tell your parents that. You don’t want them to worry.

You grin when you watch the lounging area on the large terrace, the infinity pool at the edge looking extremely tempting, sparkling water in the early afternoon sun.

“There they are!” Jake yells, making his way over to Raven, Lincoln and Aden, who have grabbed all the bags from the trunk of the car.

It is tradition, that when you eat here, you sleep here. Because there is always alcohol involved and nobody wants to drive home at an ungodly hour in the middle of the night.

Abby walks after her husband and you already claim your favourite chair on their terrace, the one closest to the house. This way, you can quickly grab food, _and_ you have the best view over the ocean.

You sigh when you lie down, watching your friends greet your parents, making you smile.

You watch how Lincoln and Jake fight a bit for fun, before running to jump into the pool like little children. Aden is quick to follow, splashing water all around the pool.

Raven grins at you knowingly. You nod, smiling, taking off your shorts and your blouse, hanging it neatly over your chair.

Then, as your mother walks inside to prepare some drinks, you and Raven run for it, jumping into the pool just as loudly as the men had just before.

You laugh, feeling yourself being dipped under water, struggling to get back up.

You instantly climb on your brothers shoulders, watching how Raven climbs on Lincolns.

“Abby! Get your fine ass over here!” Jake calls loudly, knowing he is the only man without a girl on his shoulders.

A few seconds later, you spot your mother walking down to the pool as well, jumping in just in front of her husband.

Jake laughs as he dives under, coming back up with Abby on his shoulders and his long hair all over his face.

You high five Raven before starting the fight. It’s tradition, really. The pairs you create, last one standing wins.

It’s usually you and Aden, who win. Nothing is different this time, really.

You swim, lounge, drink for a few hours, just chatting, catching up with your parents, having fun.

You’re back in the pool with Raven and Lincoln, you climbing on Raven’s back this time, laughing loudly when Lincoln tries to pull you under.

It is then, that two figures show up at the terrace. You instantly recognize Kane, your godfather, your parents' best friend.

You literally choke on air when you see the woman beside him.

You choke, falling in the water, choking more as you panic, trying to get out. Raven has you above the surface in a second, looking at you in confusion as you try to recover.

You cough, watching the woman stare at you with narrowed eyes. The moment her lips part in surprise, you know she recognizes you, too.

“It’s _her_. From last night.” You murmur in Raven’s ear, gasping for air when you watch Lincoln trying to hold back laughter.

“The Greek goddess?” Raven says, just a little too loud, for everyone to hear. Everyone’s heads turn towards you and your best friend.

You slowly lower yourself under the water in shame, even hearing Raven’s laughter even from under the water.

You go back up, hovering in the pool, but Lincoln and Raven climb out to introduce themselves.

What are the fucking odds? Why on earth is _she_ , of all people, Kane’s daughter?

What the _actual_ fuck?

You try to find courage, secretly admiring her from your spot in the pool. She wears shorts, a simple lowcut shirt. Her long curls are loose and wild, her sunglasses tucked in her hair.

You groan to yourself, knowing you must show yourself.

You step out of the pool. You are wearing nothing but a black bikini, your towel somewhere on the terrace.

You can feel her stare. You watch her looking at you, her eyes widened, her lips parted slightly.

You have no idea if that is a good thing or not. You have no idea if she’s looking at you because she knows who you are or because she thinks you are hot.

Based on her gaze, it’s probably the latter. Or both. Or whatever.

You quickly make your way over to your chair, grabbing a towel before greeting Kane with a wet kiss to his cheek.

“Clarke! Meet Lexa!” he squeals excitedly, basically pushing you against the girl to introduce yourself.

 _Lexa_. Doesn't sound even remotely familiar, you realise. 

You run your hand through your wet hair, trying to fix it before you smile at her. You remember her.

You remember her, but seeing her now, sober, is something _entirely_ different. She is even more breath-taking than you remember.

“Hi.” You grin, watching her curious gaze change into something more… stoic.

 _Oh_.

That is a disappointment. Her green eyes are questioning, but guarded. Her smile doesn’t seem genuine, but still, you have to physically stop yourself from roaming your eyes over her body.

“I’m Clarke.”

“I _know_.” She says, quite coldly. Her lips are pursed in a thin line, she crosses her arms in front of her chest.

Okay, so, you clearly forgot her name. Is she pissed off because of it? Is she mad because you left without leaving a message or anything?

Lexa moves on to your mother and friends, not seeming even slightly intimidated by your family's big name.

You watch her interact with small smiles, kindly speaking and you scoff internally. She could have at least _tried_ to be nice.

A pat on your shoulder makes you glance aside. Aden stands, a knowing look on his face.

You look back at him, thanking the gods above that sometimes you and Aden don’t need words to communicate.

He seems to understand, sending you a sweet smile before pulling you into the house with him.

“She’s pissed at you.” He grins then, but it falters when he sees the pained look on your face.

“I mean, what did she expect? Did she want me to leave a freaking love letter? A ring? A proposal? God, we were drunk for Pete’s sake.” You groan, but the moment Aden’s eyes widen, staring behind you, you know it’s too late.

Your breath hitches in your throat and you don’t bother turning around, already knowing _who_ has heard the entire thing.

“It would have been _nice_ if you just let me know you were leaving.” Lexa’s voice.

God, her _voice_. You barely remember that. You barely remember how soft and stoic she can sound at the same time, her voice so fucking comfortable she could just… talk to you for hours and you’d gladly listen to her.

You turn slowly, on your heels.

“This is my cue, _bye_.” Aden flees out of the house, leaving you and Lexa hovering in the kitchen, a towel still wrapped around your body.

“Sorry about that.” You mumble, avoiding to look into her eyes. She’s all fire and a cold stance and you can’t help but feel intimidated by her. You don't let it show, though.

“About what?” she crosses her arms, like she did before, looking at you. You can see it from the corner of your eyes.

“You know what, I am not sorry.” You suddenly grumble, looking up to meet the greenest eyes you’ve ever seen. The challenging look on her face tells you that you might be in for a bumpy ride. “We had sex, _Lexa_. We were drunk, we had sex, I left. It happens all the time.”

She doesn’t speak. She is looking at you, observing you, and you feel uncomfortable under her intense gaze, but you are not going to give her the satisfaction of showing it. “If you can’t handle that, than perhaps you shouldn’t have started anything.”

“I didn’t start anything.” She scoffs, rolling her eyes back into her head. You try not to gaze at her perfectly shaped, toned legs, but you do, just for a split second.

She is fucking gorgeous after all.

“You did, though. I remember it quite well.” You feel annoyed. You feel regret for sleeping with someone this… harsh.

But you remember how soft she was. You remember how sweet, how perfect…

Fuck it. She’s being an asshole now, so you might as well completely forget about what happened last night.

“Lexa, I suggest you get over it. We’re both adults, I don’t owe you anything.”

“You _stole_ my favourite hoodie.” She just says, so coldly that it seems weird that she would care about… a hoodie.

You let out a small chuckle, but the only thing she does is raise an (very sexy at that) eyebrow, cocking up arrogantly and you wonder what the hell you saw in her last night.

Okay, she is hot. That’s probably what you saw in her.

“I’ll just return it to you, it’s not a big deal.” You roll your eyes, wanting to slip outside, but her hand in front of you stops you.

“What do you _want_ , Lexa?” you snap, a little more frustrated than first intended.

Her gaze softens, only subtly, but you won’t have it.

“Let’s just be civil in front of my parents and Kane. I’ll be out of your hair in no time.” You escape before she has a chance to say more.

Your heart is beating in your chest rapidly. It feels like this woman has ruined your entire day and you cannot imagine that you were praising her this morning.

Lincoln throws you a knowing look, but you just shrug, drying yourself off and pulling your blouse back over your bikini. Your shorts follow and you watch your parents chat with Kane, completely oblivious as to what just happened.

Lexa silently follows, glued to Kane’s side as all of you sit down around the large, round table. Jake walks inside to grab the guests some drinks, and you try to hide yourself from the scowling brunette.

Raven can’t stop grinning, making you want to kill her for it. Aden is more on your side, probably having noticed Lexa’s childish behaviour.

You cock your brow when you watch Lexa laugh at something your mother says. You have no idea why you feel such… anger and frustration.

The entire time, you try to make jokes, you try to contribute to the conversation, but Lexa’s glares make you feel uncomfortable.

Everybody seems oblivious to it all and it annoys you. Aden is the only one who supports you, sitting beside you, chatting a bit, trying to make you laugh.

When you giggle at something he says, you see Lexa looking at you once again. Except, the look on her face is different from before.

It’s… soft.

 _Softer_.

Perhaps because your father kept feeding her wine. Maybe she only gets nice when she’s tipsy. You have no idea, but you try to ignore her through the night.

Your mother serves the best food ever, and you can’t help yourself when you stuff yourself with the pasta and chicken.

So fucking good.

Despite feeling uncomfortable under Lexa’s gaze, you start to have fun. You joke around without her looking at you like she wants to kill you.

You just ignore her and it is the best decision you’ve ever made.

It is strange, though, because the rest does seem to get along with the brunette. She makes your father laugh, even Lincoln chats with her.

You have no idea who decides to play Who Am I, but you don’t mind. You love the game.

You fall into a series of laughter when you see people with post its, Aden pressing one against your forehead roughly.

Your mother is Trump, your father Ghandi, Lincoln Eminem, Raven Hitler, Aden Jim Carrey and Lexa is… Jake Griffin.

You can’t stop the laugh rolling from your lips. You are probably drunker than you thought you were.

“Youngest begins!” Lincoln exclaims, looking around the group.

“Me?” Aden pouts, making you throw an arm around his shoulder.

“How old is Lexa?” you ask casually, not even asking her directly.

“Twenty-seven.” She replies, making you cock your eyebrows in surprise.

“You start, then.” You smile at her. You barely get a smile in return, but the tiny curl on the corner of her lips is enough for you.

“Okay. Am I a man?”

“Yes!”

“Am I… in politics?”

“No!”

She pouts. Her big green eyes sad as she writes down what she knows. You try to ignore the slight flutter in your heart when you watch her.

She is adorable. When she doesn’t think anyone is watching, she bites her lip, poking out her tongue, smiling lightly at something others say.

When it’s your turn, you have a pretty good idea of who you are already, since Aden chose for you.

“Am I… Jessica Simpson?”

The table falls quiet.

“Fuck, Ade, you never get to give her a name anymore.” Raven groans deeply while Aden rips the post it from your forehead.

Your father bursts out in laughter, probably enjoying how well you know your brother.

You ruffle his blonde hair, making him fight you. You squeal in surprise when he suddenly lifts you from the chair, throwing you over his shoulder when he runs to the pool.

“I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, ADEN!” you scream, trying to hit him, but it’s too late.

He throws you in the pool roughly, as he has been doing for years now. But your head hits the edge, a sharp pain shooting through your head only shortly.

You think you hear some screaming, but you easily come back up, laughing, but holding your hand against your forehead.

“Holy shit, Clarke.” Raven’s eyes are wide as everyone stands near the edge of the pool.

Even Lexa is to be found there, a worried look on her face as you step out the pool, completely drenched.

“What?” you look around. “I’m fine, it is not that bad. It doesn't even hurt anymore.”

Your mother is in front of you instantly, checking your head, checking your pupils, asking you about the date, your name and many other things.

“It’s just a bump on the head, mom.” You grin, watching Aden stand with still wide eyes, probably a little in shock from his clumsy antics.

The moment everyone droops back to the table, Aden hovers near you, placing his hands on your shoulders.

“It’s an accident, Ade. I am fine.” You roll your eyes, smiling when you press a kiss against his cheek.

“Still. I could have broken your neck. I'm sorry, Clarke.” He shakes his head, clearly feeling upset, but you pull him in a tight hug.

“I’m fine, _baby brother._ ”

“You wanna go again?” he threatens, pulling back with a laugh as you ruffle his hair once again.

Without hesitation, you push him in the pool. But he saw through your actions, pulling you with him.

You land on top of him, laughing loudly as you struggle to come back up. Aden laughs as well as he helps you up. You jump on his back as he walks out the pool, giving you a piggy ride to the terrace, where everyone is watching, laughing at your crazy antics.

“Sometimes I wonder when you will finally grow up.” Kane laughs.

“Probably never.” Jake fist bumps his best friend, making Lexa roll her eyes, but the brunette is smiling when you look at her.

Aden drops you in the chair.

“Alright, so the game is ruined. How about we _all_ go for a swim?” Abby proposes, earning a nod from everyone, except Lexa.

“Lexa?” Lincoln asks.

“Oh, I don’t have a swimming suit.” She explains, smiling at the man.

“You can borrow one of mine.” You say, before you even realise that you are saying it. Perhaps you should stop being kind to her.

“I don’t think that’s gonna work with the twins, though.” Raven smirks.

You and Aden instantly glance at each other in confusion, just like the rest of the table.

“What?” Lincoln laughs in confusion, encouraging Raven to elaborate.

The Latina snickers, trying to explain, but she stumbles over her words.

“Not you two idiots. I meant _those_ twins.” Raven motions to your chest and you instantly feel heat rise to your cheeks.

“Raven!” you hiss, but seriously, everyone is laughing. “Oh, that’s just great. Fuck you, Rae.”

“You love me.” Raven snickers, holding her stomach as she tries to recover from laughing, just like everyone else.

“She sure as hell didn’t inherit those boobs from me.” Jake pouts as he looks at his own chest, rubbing his nipples through his shirt.

Even Kane and Lexa are laughing behind their hands. You smile when you watch Lexa’s eyes sparkle with amusement.

This is the girl you remember. This is the girl from last night.

“She’s right, though.” Aden adds, making you shove him away.

Raven might have a point. Your cleavage is just… much bigger than Lexa’s. She would never fit your tops.

“Please don’t tell me you have been looking at Kane’s daughters boobs.” You groan, rolling your eyes.

“We don’t _have_ to.” Raven adds, high fiving Lincoln in the process.

“Okay, that’s enough.” Abby chuckles as you try to compose yourself.

You look down at your chest, pouting when you see how drenched you still are.

You just take off your ruined blouse, leaving you in nothing but your bikini.

“I’m going to swim and when you guys join me, no more comments about my boobs.” You look at everyone sternly, earning you a chuckle from Lexa, but the moment you glare at her, she swallows, her eyes widen and she nods quietly.

“Good.” You smile with satisfaction, before moving back to the pool.

Sooner or later, everyone joins, except Jake and Kane.

You watch how they turn on the fire in the pit on the terrace, creating a nice atmosphere as the sun lowers over the ocean.

You smile a moment, watching the view, before Raven climbs on your back.

A ball is thrown in the water and Jake and Kane soon join.

Lexa is wearing one of Raven’s dark red bikini’s. You have to admit to yourself, the moment the brunette came walking to the pool, wearing just that, you had to… swallow away your feelings - whatever those feelings might be. You just can't keep your eyes off the beautiful woman.

You have to stop yourself from staring at her. She has fucking abs. Seeing so much of her bare skin reminds you of last night and lets just say that you are grateful that you are in the pool right now.

But Raven is on your back, starting to fight of Lexa and Kane and you have no idea what is happening when you try to dodge the flying ball around you with your best friend on your back.

“Clarke, get me on your shoulders!” Raven says and you instantly dive under, letting her climb on your shoulders before you jump back up.

Raven’s careful hands tuck your hair away from your face while you hold her legs, laughing loudly when you almost stumble back into the water.

You play several games, before everyone is tired and people start leaving the pool, drying themselves off before moving to sit around the fire.

You and Raven stay in the pool for a bit. You and your Latina have always been the biggest fans of swimming.

She throws an air mattress on the water and you both try to climb on it, your limbs entangling so clumsily that the two of you tumble back into the water.

You laugh when you try to get back up, fighting your best friend.

It seems stupid. It feels like you’re a ten year old kid again when you watch your best friend in the water, a competitive look on her face, determined to win.

You win, however. “Fuck yeah!”

Raven pulls you off, however, back into the water and you laugh, climbing on her back once again.

You press your cheek against hers, feeling a little daze as she carries the two of you out of the water.

You slide off her smoothly when you grab your towel, wrapping it around your body as you drop into the last chair available.

“Where’s my chair?” Raven interrupts the conversation, looking around.

“You can grab one from there.” Jake motions to the other side, but Raven shakes her head, dropping herself in your lap clumsily.

“ _Oof_. Raven! What the hell?” you groan, but she grins, staying right in place.

You give up completely, watching the others talk a bit while Raven leans against you heavily.

The Latina then leans in, whispering in your ear. “She is _totally_ jealous.”

“What?” you are so confused, but you follow Ravens gaze to Lexa. The brunette is watching you, a scowl on her face, her lips pursed into a thin line.

She is sipping on a beer, seeming not to follow the conversation between the others.

“You did this on purpose.” You grin at Raven, speaking quietly. You wrap your arms around your best friends waist, simply choosing to go with it.

When Ravens’ grin grows, you know she has been playing Lexa the entire time. You are secretly thankful, though you have no idea _why._

Perhaps you like the way that Lexa’s look could probably kill Raven by now.

You pull Raven a bit closer, thankfully never minding the close proximities with your friends.

Raven flirts with you. You know it’s so incredibly fake, but nobody seems to notice, except for the brunette.

You grin. This is fun.

You are only doing this because you are slightly tipsy. You are only doing this because you love the way Lexa can’t stop looking at you.

When Raven wraps an arm around your neck, you lean back, letting her fall against you in an embrace.

For you, this is actually normal. For the others, too. You are so used to being physical to your friends that this is nothing new for the group.

You grab the beer that Aden hands you, downing it quickly. He hands you another with an amused look on his face and you can feel the alcohol starting to buzz again.

“You do have a little bump.” Raven grins cheekily, her fingers touching your forehead lightly.

“Hmm, it doesn’t really hurt.” You smile up at your friend.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Your twin apologises once again, but you slap him.

“Stop. It’s fine, Ade.” You try to get through to him, watching his guilty pout, but you grab his hand, while your other arm is still around your best friend.

Raven just yawns, leaning against you heavily.

“God, Rae, you literally sleep everywhere, don’t you?” you ask, but Raven’s already slipped into a slight slumber, her face falling in your neck.

“Alright, it’s time for bed.” Marcus says, smiling. “I am all so glad that you all got to meet Lexa.”

“Yes, Lexa. Good to meet you.” Jake instantly rises from his chair. “Let me show you to your room.”

You watch her eyes widen. “ _My_ room?”

“We have plenty of rooms.” Abby chuckles, standing up as well as she slides her arm around her husbands’ waist. “We have some spare clothes too, if you need it.”

“Thank you.” Lexa nods, standing up, following your parents inside. Kane also disappears inside.

You are stuck. Raven is in your arms, sleeping softly. You smile, melting a little when you feel her hand reach up to nuzzle you in your neck.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say that Raven is in love with you.” Lincoln grins, sitting on the tip of his chair, finishing his beer. “But the two of you are the last people would ever see together.”

“Is that… your weird way of complimenting us?” you chuckle softly, not wanting to wake your friend.

“The two of you together would be like… me and Aden together.” Lincoln continues.

“You're _not_ gay?” your eyes widen in mocking shock, making Aden laugh loudly.

“Shut up, Clarke.” Lincoln laughs, rising from his seat. “Goodnight, guys. I had fun today.”

He fist bumps everyone before leaving to his assigned room as well.

“Just you and me.” Aden smiles at you, a softer smile than usual and you just know that he still feels guilty about it all.

“Ade.” You sigh, but you smile at your twin. “Stop feeling guilty.”

“I’m not feeling guilty.” He pouts, grinning when he knows that you see right through him.

“It’s just a bump on the head, you weirdo.” You shake your head, feeling Raven slip out of your arms.

You instantly tighten your grip, feeling how she cuddles back into you. It amuses you.

“Wanna help me get this lady into her room safely?” you mumble, trying to remove yourself from the seat without waking your friend.

“We could lift her upside down by her legs and she still wouldn’t wake.” He laughs, helping you up.

You basically carry Raven upstairs on your own, Aden right beside you in case you might fall.

“No.” Raven suddenly mumbles. “Stop.”

“What?” you walk into Raven’s room, wanting to drop her on the bed.

“I wanna cuddle.” She pouts, half asleep, her arms stretching out.

“Maybe Aden wants to cuddle with you.” You laugh, trying to escape, but Raven grips onto you tightly.

“I’m just gonna go.” He grins, patting Raven on the head teasingly before slipping out of the room. “Goodnight.”

“Raven.” You sigh, watching the slight tipsy girl tug onto you.

“Fine. Go be with Lexa.” She grumbles.

“Are you jealous?” you laugh, but when she hides her face, you know you might be right. “Raven.”

“Clarke.”

“What is this?” you smile, finally caving in. You drop yourself beside your friend.

“I wanted to make Lexa jealous for you.” Raven just grins.

“And I think you succeeded.” You smile back at her.

“But…” she continues to pout. “…okay, this may sound stupid but I’ve always had this _little_ crush on you.”

“Weirdo.” You press a kiss on her forehead.

“It’s true, Clarke.” She grins goofily.

“You’re only saying this because you’ve had alcohol.” You shake your head. “But if you must know, I’ve had a crush on you, too.”

“But now you’re crushing on _Lexa_.” She smiles sleepily. “Go get her.”

“She’s a bit of a bitch.” You defend weakly.

“But you _like_ her.” Raven lets you go, and you tuck her into her blankets.

“That’s none of your business, Reyes.” You grin, pressing one last kiss on her forehead, watching her softly starting to snore.

Your smile, slipping out of her room, only to walk through the giant hall to your own room.

You dry your hair with a towel, the rest of your body as well. You slip into a sleeveless top and a pair of Aden’s soccer shorts, wanting to go to bed, but there is a subtle knock on your door.

Slightly wobbly from the alcohol, you move to open your door.

Lexa leans against your doorframe, a drunken smile on her face.

“Are you stalking me?” you joke, but she doesn’t seem to find it amusing. Lexa simply wears a t-shirt and shorts, her long curls damp from the swimming.

You can smell the chlorine and the vague musk mixed with flowers. You try your best not to smile.

Her green eyes shining in the dim light of your room, the tiniest grin toying on the corner of her lips.

“Are you together with Raven?” she then blurts out. By the look of it, you can tell that she didn’t mean to ask.

“If I were, would you really think I’d cheat on her with _you_?” you ask rhetorically. She shakes her head.

“So you’re not together?” she continues to ask, her voice lowering with each word.

You can feel your heart thrumming in your ribcage, perhaps faster than it usually would.

“No.”

Before you know what’s happening, Lexa steps into your personal space, closing the door behind her.

She takes your face between her hands, only to capture your lips in a hot, open-mouthed kiss.

Instant heat rushes to your core.

You immediately reciprocate, pulling her closer, but she turns you around, pressing your back against the door with a loud thud. You lick her lips with a hunger you didn’t know you had, thrusting your tongue into her mouth.

She moans, but it disappears onto your tongue. She changes angles quickly, but you pull back just slightly.

Her eyes open, you are met with a green, half-lidded stare. Her red, thick lips are parted, her breath hot, mingling with your own.

“You’ve got some balls coming here, you know.” You say, your hands casually leaning on her hips as your fingers graze the soft skin right above the waistband of her shorts.

“Because..?”

“If I am seeing this right, you are about to _fuck_ me. In _my parents_ house.” You grin mischievously, but you notice your voice lowering with want. You pull her closer, your body flush with hers and god, how right it feels to be trapped between her and the door.

Your head slightly buzzing from the last two beers, you lean in again, capturing her lips hungrily.

She’s addictive, really.

You can’t stop kissing her.

You don’t mind.

It just… feels _right_.

\\\


	2. the return of the hoodie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i realise that i better could've named this story after Beyonce's 'Drunk in love' (can i still rename? XD) 
> 
> Anyway, enjoy. there's subtle smut specially for you guys.

\\\

You can’t breathe. You don’t even _want_ to. All you want is those plump lips against your own, that soft, hot tongue in your mouth.

Your teeth sink into her bottom lip, sucking it between your own. She moans, panting when you capture her lips once again, your tongue hungrily exploring her mouth, while her hands already roam over your body greedily.

The moment her skin connects with yours, you can just feel it tingle at every contact point, your heavy breathing interrupted by her dominance as she kisses you with the same desire that you can feel in your gut.

Your hands already tug on her shorts, wanting to take them off as quickly as possible. She’s _infuriating_ and hot at the same time.

Her tongue dances with yours and she clearly tries to gain the upper hand, but you won’t let her.

You gain all your strength to switch places, roughly planting her against the door, slipping your knee between her legs instantly.

The way her hips instantly grind into you tells you that she might be… a little more turned on that she lets on.

But your lips are glued to her skin, licking her jaw, nipping on the deliciously soft skin right below her ear.

You can feel her hands tangle in your damp hair, roughly pulling you closer. She moans, her throat vibrating under your lips.

She keeps grinding into you, but you won’t give her the pleasure. You pull your knee away, grinning when she whines.

“Clarke.” Her voice is low, she is warning you.

“What?” you feign innocence while your lips remain glued to her skin. You tuck on her shirt, lifting it with ease.

Then, you finish taking off her shorts, realising she is wearing nothing underneath. She is bare and naked against your door.

Your heartbeat quickens when you realise that your friends, your parents might hear, but somehow, you don’t care.

It only excites you, if you’re being completely honest.

You lower yourself, teasing one of her nipples with your tongue, still stunned with how beautiful she is.

You’re breaking your one rule and you couldn’t care less.

Her hands are still in your hair and you feel her grip tighten when you roughly tease her nipple, before moving to the other.

Your hands follow her sides, down to her hips. She is so _soft_.

She moans deeply and you instantly move your hand up to stifle her sounds, covering her mouth.

She lets you.

You keep your hand there, while the other teases her between her legs. You can already _smell_ her pleasure.

You drop to your knees, but not before marking the skin of her toned stomach, feeling how she desperately tries to buck into you.

You place kisses on her hipbones, before you attack her down there. She is completely bare, no hair, just… plain wetness.

You moan against her when you feel her drenched against your tongue.

She tries to keep quiet, you know this, but she is failing miserably. She is failing and you don’t even care.

You swipe your tongue through her folds, loving the way she tastes. You wrap one arm around her legs, trying to steady her. She’s trembling in your grip.

You hear a small thud. When you look up, you see that she threw her head against your door, her mouth wide open, allowing heavy breaths to escape.

You won’t allow her to come, not just yet. You just tease her, closing your lips around her clit, but doing not much more than that.

She is absolutely _dripping_.

“ _Clarke_.” She warns again, only this time her voice is nothing more than a shaky breath. She tucks on your hair, guiding you back up. You lick her skin back up, but not before nibbling on her earlobe.

You already have her quivering against you and it truly is the best feeling in the world.

She groans when you refuse to listen to her. She roughly grabs your face, her lips chasing yours instantly.

You don’t mind. She’s an amazing kisser. In fact, she makes your mind go completely blank, just like now.

You pant into her, kissing her deeply, before finally letting her go, moving to the bed.

“You are wearing _way_ too much.” She growls, trying to get you to take your clothes off.

You finally oblige to her, letting her slide off the fabric from your body, leaving you completely exposed.

The way her green eyes darken when she looks at you, satisfies you to no end. You push her on the bed, crashing your lips together as you press yourself on top of her. Your core meets her thigh and you grind into her, only now noticing how wet you are.

Only noticing now how much you _want_ her.

She keeps kissing you when you slide your hands between her legs, slipping two fingers inside of her with ease.

She moans into you as you start pumping, wet sounds filling your ears. You try to be gentle, but you can feel her walls clench around your fingers already. She writhers beneath you, moaning so much that you only now start worrying about people hearing you.

You stop kissing her, covering her mouth with your free hand. She doesn’t seem to mind as her eyes roll back into her head in pleasure.

You slip a third digit inside of her, moaning yourself when you can feel her stomach clench against your own.

God, she is _hot_.

You are gasping, but suddenly she pushes you up.

You sit straight, on your knees on the bed, your fingers slipping out of her. You are surprised at her antics, but you understand _why_ the moment she straddles your hips.

“Fuck me, Clarke.” She purrs in your ear, her hands on your shoulders, she is holding herself steady while she sits on top of you.

You pull her closer, slipping your hand back between your bodies, feeling her hands thread in your hair, giving subtle pulls to make you tilt back your head as she leans down.

Her lips are wet and soft against your own, moving with demanding purpose. You slip your fingers back inside of her, making her moan instantly.

She rolls her hips into you, her arms snaking around your shoulders, but she doesn’t stop kissing you.

Your free hand slips around her waist, supporting her in her movement as she rides your fingers frantically.

You can feel the muscles in her back moving under the grip of your palm as she grinds into you. It is messing with your head.

Her hot breath disappearing into your mouth, you kiss her with everything you’ve got.

You kiss her hard, feeling her hands move to the nape of your neck to clutch onto the baby hairs there and suddenly it’s your new favourite thing.

It’s your new favourite thing to make Lexa feel good. In _bed_ , at least.

The way her naked body moves against yours, her hips rolling into you smoothly simply drives you insane.

The way her walls clench, the way she throws her head back with a loud, deep moan. The way her skin is shining with sweat when you attach your mouth to her neck.

The way her grip around you tightens, her thighs clutching onto your hips tells you she is about to come.

Wetness pours down on your hand as you curl your fingers, hitting _that_ spot.

You don’t even care that your sheets are ruined, not when you see her bounce on you, riding out her orgasm, her head still thrown back. She is fucking gorgeous. She _really_ is out of your league.

She slowly comes to a stop, her hips still subtly moving on your fingers. Her head lowers back and you bite your lip at the sight of the woman, unable to look away.

Your skin burns. Your heart is racing. You want more, because this woman is fucking _addictive_.

The way she is staring at you with that desire in those green eyes makes you swallow away a lump in your throat.

“I don’t like you when I’m sober.” She suddenly mumbles, not really moving. Her arms are still around you and you hold her close.

“I don’t like you either when I’m sober.” You grin in amusement, watching the tiniest smile curling on her lips.

Even that tiny smile is worth it.

“Good. Now, if you’ll allow me.” She suddenly pulls you down, pressing you into the mattress on your back.

She shows fierceness and dominance and you don’t mind. You already made her come, so you might as well surrender to her now completely.

You let her tease you. You don’t mind the foreplay. It actually turns you on even more, the way her mouth explores your entire body with a strange mix of gentleness and roughness.

The way she makes you arch your back _before_ she even touches you down there is magical.

Really, this girl is _skilled_. You can feel her tongue moving down your stomach. Your hands clutch onto your sheets as you start trembling, the need for friction against your core becoming worse than ever.

You turn your head to stifle your moans into your pillow the moment her tongue meets your centre.

“Fuck.” You grumble deeply, feeling sensation shoot through your veins with the way she touches you.

One of her hands massages your boob, while the other moves down, nails scratching your skin softly.

Her lips, her tongue on you is too fucking good.

It is almost _too much_ when she pushes two fingers inside of you, while she teases your clit with her mouth.

You moan deeply, your hips erratically bucking into her, but she keeps you steady as she starts pumping into you.

You can feel your pleasure building with each thrust, your stomach clenching.

You moan, non-stop, needing more, wanting more.

Lexa is soft and raw at the same time. The way her free hand decides to entertain your breasts while she is clearly focusing on making you come.

You arch your back once more, reaching up from the bed when she curls her fingers, pleasure exploding between your legs as you come, hard.

You bite your lips in order not to scream her name, before falling back onto the bed, shaking more than you want to.

You let her move inside of you slowly, letting you come down from your high.

You pant, heavily. God.

That was one intense orgasm. She didn’t even need to do much, you just… came. Quicker than ever.

You tug on her hair subtly, pulling her up. She takes all the time in the world to kiss you everywhere, from your stiff nipples to your jaw.

You groan in annoyance, finally pulling her lips against your own. You moan against her when you taste yourself on her tongue, wrapping your legs around her hips to pull her closer.

She kisses you, so fucking hard that she makes your lip bleed, but you don’t give a fuck.

You dance your tongue around hers, trying to swap positions, but she doesn’t give in. You want to make her come again and again, but she won’t let you.

She barely notices the way your hand makes its way down your bodies again. You slouch a bit, reaching down.

Your hand cups her centre and her eyes instantly widen in surprise, her lips part as she gasps.

You grin, using the distraction to plant her flat on her back, on the bed.

Your fingers slip into her once again. You don’t go slow this time. You pump into her, watching her arms stretch to grab the nearest thing.

It’s your shoulders. She pulls you closer, your lips colliding with the skin in her neck. You bite gently, before nipping and kissing, soothing the tiny mark. Her nails dig into your shoulder blades, but you don’t care.

You pump into her, but you want something more.

You make her turn. You make her sit on her knees, the front of her torso pressed against the bed, her ass sticking up.

You know this can get intense. You curl your fingers inside of her, pumping until her moans fill the room, her back hollow as she presses her face into your pillow.

Her arms reach back for you and you grab one while you plunge into her with determination.

It’s the best sight, really. The muscles in her back twitching with each thrust, her tattoo. Her hair displayed on the pillow around her head. The way her eyes are squeezed closed and her lips parted the entire time, to let out constant moans.

Her hand, squeezing yours so hard you fear it might break. That muffled moan that escapes her mouth when she comes all over your hand. You bite your bottom lip at the sight. 

She weakly falls back on the bed, her legs stretching.

“No more.” She gasps for air.

You watch her for a second or two, before kissing her ass, up her spine. She shivers underneath you and you watch goosebumps form on the delicate skin of her shoulders.

You press more kisses up, until your leg is pressed between hers, your lips grazing her tiny ear, her jaw.

You turn your head sideways in order to capture her lips, once again. Her lips, hungrily searching yours.

You press your leg against her core and you instantly feel her grind into you backwards.

It’s the best feeling in the world, really. You stop kissing her, instead, you moan softly when your own centre connects with the back of her thigh.

You grind yourself against her. You breathe in her ear, already knowing she is the sensitive type, feeling her reaction to your panting.

You make sure that your thigh remains pressed against her. You want to make her come again.

You’re sweating and you’re out of breath, but you don’t care. You're intoxicated by this woman.

“ _Clarke_.” Her voice is warning you and you immediately stop. You don’t want to make her do things she doesn’t want to.

“What?”

“Let me turn around.” She moans. A smile forms on your lips when you let her.

She instantly pulls you back on top of her, her hands cupping your ass when she pushes your hips down against hers.

Her lips pursue yours and you give in. You grind into her lazily, kissing her with careful purpose.

She is so fucking soft. She tastes like beer and smells like chlorine and that typical perfume.

Her green stare drives you crazy.

She silently encourages you to grind faster. Her hand moves, fingers sliding back into you.

You ride her. You ride her hard and fast, but she is the one panting the most. She is the one moaning loudly when you come all over her hand, her leg.

You collapse on top of her. You have no energy left.

You roll off her, trying to compose yourself, trying to recover from your intense orgasms.

You should let her sleep in her own room. Except that you can’t.

You _may_ be feeling slightly guilty for leaving her this morning. God, it’s been less than twenty-four hours and you’re already sharing a bed with her once again.

You’re hopeless.

“I should go.” She is still breathing heavily, displayed on the bigger part of your bed, but you stop her with one hand.

“You can stay. You can just leave early in the morning before the rest wakes.”

“I better go now.” She purses her lips, moving to stand.

Your gaze is glued to her. Her curves, her muscles. Her shining, tanned skin. Her incredibly wild curls that drive you insane.

She silently puts on her clothes, while you remain on the bed, motionless. Your eyes follow her every movement.

“Goodnight, Clarke.” She is about to open the door, but you hear something outside your room.

“Wait!” you exclaim, almost tumbling out of the bed. You don’t bother covering yourself when you stop her, slowly walking to the door.

She watches you, an annoyed look on her face. She opens her mouth to speak, but thankfully, you reach her in time.

Your index finger presses softly on her lips, keeping her quiet.

She finally understands, stopping in her motions. Her gaze softens lightly, but her lips remain pursed under your finger.

You drop it.

You hear someone walk in the hallway.

You have no idea who it is, but that person seems to walk down the stairs.

“Someone is going downstairs.” You shake your head. “Like I said, you can just sleep here. Nobody has to know.”

She lets out a huff.

“Come on, you _just_ had sex with me.” You roll your eyes. “Why the attitude?”

“Like I said before; I don’t like you when I am sober.” She says, her green gaze never leaving yours.

“You’re tipsy. You’re supposed to like me _now_.” You state. It’s not even a joke.

“ _Fine_. I’ll stay.” She takes off her clothes again, walking back to your bed.

She slips in as if nothing ever happened, lying on her side.

You bite your lips when you realise she is _naked_ , again. You really have to keep it together.

You walk back to the bed, slipping in next to her.

Her back is to you and you can’t stop looking at her tattoos. You hold in when you lift your hand to trace the patterns.

You drop it again, before turning around, falling asleep within two minutes.

\\\

You forgot to close the curtains and you curse yourself for it.

She’s gone when you wake up.

When you glance into your room, there is no indication that Lexa spent the night here. You sigh.

Okay, so you might understand the feeling she had yesterday morning. The feeling that you just left without telling her anything. Without even knowing her name. Stealing her hoodie.

That might have come across as… cold.

You’re not _cold_. You’re not insensitive. Perhaps you do owe her an apology after all.

You sigh again, not quite ready to leave your comfortable bed. But you do.

You throw on a bikini, covered by a ridiculously large linen blouse, another one from the one you wore yesterday. You simply have a thing for linen shirts in LA’s hot summers.

You put a tie on your wrist, brushing your teeth before going downstairs.

You drink a glass of water, tucking your hair in a tight bun.

You grab a towel from the closet outside, taking it to the pool. You take off your blouse, diving into the cold water.

You shiver for a moment, before starting on a few laps.

It soothes your muscles, the water gentle. In moments like these, you are grateful that you wake early.

Nobody here to disturb you, nobody here to work on your nerves in the early hours.

You swim several laps, until you notice feet dangling in the water.

You stop, moving to the area where you can stand.

“Morning, Clarke.” Your mother smiles down at you, having two mugs of coffee in her hand.

“Morning, mom.” You smile stepping out of the pool, shielding your eyes from the early sun.

“I made you some coffee, figured you’d like some.” She knows you too well.

“Thanks.” You wrap a towel around your torso before sitting down next to her on the edge, your feet in the water while the two of you sip on your coffees, staring out over the ocean.

“So, what did you think of Lexa?” Abby suddenly speaks, grinning when you nearly choke on your coffee.

“She seems… fine.” You internally roll your eyes. You really don’t want to have this conversation.

You wonder how much your mother _knows_.

She just nods, smiling at you.

You admire your mother. She is beautiful, especially for her age. She is truly the kindest person you have ever met, besides your father perhaps.

Her long, brown hair is up in a ponytail and you smile back at her.

“I quite like her. She seems pretty smart.” Your mother says.

“Hmm.” You nod, remembering the hoodie from Georgetown.

“Jake speaks highly of her. Everyone seems to love her, except _you_.” Abby grins, as if she knows your secret.

“She works on my nerves, mom.” You roll your eyes for real now, not caring about the smug smile on your mothers face.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” You shrug. “Look, I can tolerate her. I know she’s important to Kane, which makes her important to you. I can live with that.”

“Come on, Clarke, she isn’t _that_ bad. You usually get along with everybody.” Abby tries, but you shake your head.

Lexa has yet to convince you otherwise.

You don’t even think that it might be you. Not for one second, you think that she is acting the way she is because of _you_.

“We will see, mom.” You smile, standing from the edge. You take your things, moving inside to start making breakfast for everyone.

You know your parents have plenty of food in the house, so you prepare bread, make tomatoes, mozzarella with basil and other things. You make sure there is enough for everyone, getting the table outside ready for breakfast.

“What has gotten into _you_?” Aden’s voice suddenly sounds. He looks sleepy, wearing just a shirt and shorts when he kisses you on the cheek in greeting.

“What do you mean?” you already roll your eyes at him.

“You _never_ make breakfast.” He grins.

“I always make breakfast when we have guests at _our_ apartment.” You shove him in the side, making him laugh.

He moves to the coffee machine. “You mean; you _order_ breakfast.”

“Same difference.” You huff in amusement. You glance at your brother while you prepare other things.

You finish up, hoping that people start to join. Your mother seems happy about you making breakfast.

“This is looking good.” She smiles, leaning in to press a kiss against your cheek. “Thank you.”

“Dig in.” you smile. “I don’t know when the rest will wake up, so we better start.”

And so, the three of you sit at the large table, silently enjoying breakfast.

The sun is getting too bright for your delicate eyes, so you move to grab your sunglasses, sliding them up your nose.

You enjoy the coffee, the orange juice. You watch Aden chew slowly on the food that you prepared.

“This is _actually_ good.” He seems genuinely surprised.

“Shut up. I have more talents than you know.” You laugh, making him grin.

“How has work been, Clarke?” Abby then asks and you smile at her.

“It’s fine, really. Busy times.” You try to keep smiling, but the moment the images of your job pop up, your smile falters.

You may seem like… a carefree person most of the time, but the truth is that you worry.

Constantly.

The entire time that you have been here, you have been subconsciously worrying about those kids. The kids that you put in to foster homes. The kids you had to save from their abusive parents.

Kids who lost their parents and have no family left. Kids like Lexa and Lincoln. Kids that need a home, and you can’t always provide that.

“It’s bothering you.” Aden states, but you shake your head. Perhaps too quickly.

“It’s fine, really. I am glad I can help them.” You smile, thankful that you are wearing your sunglasses.

Your mother throws you a knowing look, but doesn’t ask much more.

You finish breakfast, sitting in one of the chairs. The towel away from your body, you lie down in order to catch the sun.

You hear how more people join breakfast, but you pretend to be asleep.

You don’t want to talk right now. You don’t want to do small talk, when you can’t stop thinking about your job suddenly.

“What’s that?” Raven suddenly sounds really close, startling you. You almost fall from your chair, making your best friend laugh loudly.

“What the fuck?”

“That.” Raven points to your hipbone. An obvious mark that Lexa created last night is visible. You instantly try to hide it underneath the fabric of your bikini, but Raven already knows. “Kinky.”

“Shut it. Not here.” You hiss quietly, shoving the sunglasses in your hair.

The Latina just wiggles her eyebrows knowingly, before sliding into the chair next to you.

“So, did you have _fun_ last night?”

“ _Sure_.” You give her a glare. “You?”

“Not as much as you.” She chuckles.

“I will kill you when I get the chance.” You huff under your breath.

“No, you won’t. Anyway, what time do you want to go home?” she continues casually, as if nothing happened.

“Not too late. I have some work to catch up on.” You smile a little, watching Lincoln and Aden chat with Lexa at the table.

You haven’t greeted them. You rise from your seat, moving to the table. You hover behind Lincoln, placing your hands on his shoulders.

“Morning, guys.” You smile, looking around the table. Even your father and Kane have joined.

“Morning. Breakfast is lovely, kiddo.” Jake winks at you and you smile back at your father.

“Good morning.” Lexa says, but she never meets your eyes. She looks tired, but her face is neutral, her hair in a low bun.

You feel the desperate need to roll your eyes again, but you don’t.

“Do we leave after breakfast?” Lincoln looks up at you, making you nod.

“Yes, but no rush, okay?” you smile, walking inside.

You move upstairs, taking a long, hot shower, enjoying the feeling of the warm water on your sunkissed skin.

You watch the marks on your hips. You are grateful that Lexa didn’t mark you in your neck.

Your thoughts instantly go back to the two previous nights. Something starts pooling between your legs and you hate yourself for being like a horny teenager.

You refuse to think about it once more, cleaning yourself with the hot water.

You do put on some make-up this time, going for a loose t-shirt and shorts, putting on your flipflops.

You lie on your bed, not quite ready to go downstairs.

A knock on your door.

“Yeah?”

Raven enters, a dubious grin on her face. “So, how was it?”

“How was what?” you groan, sitting up while Raven jumps on the bed beside you.

“The sex, duh.” She rolls her eyes, falling down, staring at the ceiling. “I _heard_ you last night.”

“Fuck. Of course you did.” You groan, dropping yourself next to her, lying down. “It was amazing, Raven.”

“But?” Raven laughs quietly, while you turn to lie on your side, facing your best friend.

“She annoys me.” You simply state, not elaborating too much on the subject.

“You seem to annoy her just as much. Gosh, if looks could kill you would both be dead right now.” She laughs, but you smack her arm. “Why did you sleep with her _again_?”

“She came to my room last night, okay? I was tipsy, couldn’t say no.” you sigh, tired of yourself.

“Hmm. She is hot, I’ll give you that. Anyway, we are all ready to go.” Raven jumps up, wiggling her fingers in order for you to take.

She pulls you from the bed, smiling when you drop your head on her shoulder, groaning deeply.

“I hate myself.” You grumble.

“Why?” she pats your back.

“I don’t sleep with one person more than once, you know this.” You sigh, shaking your head to yourself when you pull back.

“Let it go, Clarke. You probably won’t see her much more.”

“You know that’s not true.” You groan again, but you grab your bag, ready to go downstairs.

You have been meaning to catch Lexa alone. You hover somewhere in the kitchen, waiting for Lexa to look at you.

When she finally does, you motion for her to come inside. She rolls her eyes, but obliges anyway, stepping inside with an annoyed look on her face.

“What do you want, Clarke?” she clicks the ‘k’ in your name a little exaggerated, but you try to ignore the need to fight her.

“I wanted to ask you for your address.” You simply say, shrugging.

“You were literally at my house twenty-four hours ago.” Her green eyes are sharp, her face just as stoic as last night.

“I can’t help it that you live in a neighbourhood on the other side of LA.” You try to hold back the roll of your eyes, really.

She huffs in annoyance, crossing her arms in front of her chest. “Why do you need it anyway?”

“So I can return your _beloved_ hoodie, why else?” now you roll your eyes. “Okay, I also wanted to apologize for being a dick and leaving like that yesterday.”

Lexa doesn’t speak. Her green eyes are piercing when they bore into you, but you don’t feel intimidated by it, not anymore.

“Geez, Lexa, what do you want me to say?” you sigh.

“Nothing. It’s fine, Clarke.” She smiles, very subtly, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. You know it’s fake and you wonder why she can’t bring herself into smiling at you genuinely.

Are you such an asshole, then?

She glances around the kitchen, clearly searching for something. She lets out a tiny ‘ _aha_ ’ when she finds a pen, grabbing your hand.

She writes down her address quickly on the top of your hand. You try to hold back a smile.

“ _Just_ to bring the hoodie back.” She grumbles, as if you need another reason to visit. It’s not like she’s welcoming you with open arms.

She then turns to walk back outside. You shake your head when you follow her.

You say goodbye to your parents and Marcus. You wave vaguely at Lexa, already knowing she won’t even respond to that.

Then, you take your friends into your car, starting to drive back to your place in Santa Monica.

Your friends seem pretty tired, and you don’t mind. You actually enjoy the silence as you drive south.

Raven and Lincoln make their way home after arriving at your apartment. Aden disappears into bed and you get ready to step by the office.

There is paperwork to do, so you change into your casual work outfit, simple black jeans and a white button up. You put on pumps, making your face presentable before leaving.

You don’t bother telling Aden that you’re leaving, already knowing that he is probably fast asleep.

You’ll just send him a text later.

You sigh when you walk back downstairs, into your car. You drive to downtown LA, to the small building between skyscrapers. When you enter the office, a few of your colleagues greet you as you move to your tiny office, dropping yourself into your chair.

You start your ten-year-old pc, going over your active cases.

The fun weekend completely forgotten as you dig into your work. You make some calls, trying to make sure that your clients are happy, that every kid has a place to stay.

You currently have about 22 active cases. You make sure that every foster parent updates you about their situation. You make sure that you write your reports, working eagerly.

You forget everything around you, until there is a knock on your door.

You mumble a _yeah_ , finishing the sentence you were writing, when Lincoln steps into your office.

“Didn’t know you were going to work today.” You smile up at the darker man, his brown eyes kind as he sits down in the chair opposite from your desk.

“Yeah, figured I might catch up on some paper work. You had the same idea, I see?” he grins.

You are grateful that Lincoln is your co-worker. You share cases, sometimes. Cases that get too intense, cases that require a second opinion. You work well with him, just like you did in school.

“Yeah.” You sigh, saving your reports. “Any news?”

“Got a new case today.” He just shrugs. His eyes are filled with empathy as he thinks of the kid, making you smile lightly.

“Goodluck with that.” You nod, leaning back into your chair.

“Hm, I feel like… it’s never ending.”

“It doesn’t.” you acknowledge. “It gets worse, so it seems.”

“We need more people.” He groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’ll have to talk to Jaha about it. With this many cases, we can barely go home at all.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” you rise from your seat. “Want some coffee?”

“I’ll walk with you.” He stands up, following you into the small lounge, grabbing a cup of coffee.

You sit down on one of the chairs, crossing your knees.

“I had this case last week.” You start, hesitating if you should tell him, but he sits down across from you, looking at you with interest in his eyes. “I don’t know why it touched me so much, but it did. More than usual.”

Biting his lips, Lincoln looks like he is contemplating about what to say. “Which one was it?”

“This girl. Parents died, I picked her up from school. Had to place her at a foster home against her will. She had family left in Australia, but they didn’t want to come over. I mean, who does that? Who leaves family behind?” you sigh, shaking your head in disbelief.

“In this line of work, we see a lot of things, Clarke.” His voice is soft. “Some kids are just left with… nothing.”

“Like you?” you ask boldly, making him chuckle behind his hand. He never speaks much about his childhood, but you know it shaped him to the man he is today.

You know that he is one of the few that actually got out of it stronger.

“Yeah, like me.” His smile fades. “Clarke, tell me one thing.”

“Hmm?” you take a sip.

“Why on earth did you choose this work? Why did you… decide to do this?”

“You know why.” You smile at him.

“Yeah, because you didn’t want to follow your parents. Because you care.” He rolls his eyes with a smile. “You pretend to be… _annoyingly_ happy all the time, but you’re not.”

It is a statement, really. Not even a question, just a plain statement. You stop moving, glancing at him, tilting your head slightly in curiosity.

“What’s your point?”

“My point is, Clarke… I can _see_ you, you know.” He grins. “I know you are just acting like you’re a careless person, but you’re not. You refuse to take any of your parents money and I wonder why. I wonder why you hide that.”

“I don’t really care about what people think of me.” You just say, sitting up straighter. You wonder what has gotten into him to start such personal conversation.

Not that you mind, no. Not that you would ever lie to him, he just… he’s just usually a little more held back.

“I know that.” He bites his lips to probably hold back a laugh. “And I like that about you, but you don’t have to hide how you’re really feeling.”

“I could say the same about you, though.”

“I guess we are alike like that.” He nods approvingly. “I just wanted to let you know I am here if you ever need to talk about something. I won’t tell the rest.”

“I know you won’t. Thank you. I hope you know that I am here for you, too.” You smile, standing up to press a kiss against his cheek. “I’m fine, though.”

“For _now_.” He adds, chuckling.

“Sure.” You laugh, walking out the lounge to get back to work, silently appreciating whoever is listening for giving you such an amazing friend.

\\\

You have no idea why you’re nervous when you stand in front of Lexa’s building, several days later. It looks the same as you remember, but it _feels_ different.

You clutch onto the freshly washed hoodie, looking up, as if you’re studying the building closely.

It is the first opportunity you’ve had to return it, since you’ve been busted with work all week long.

When you finally get the courage to move and ring the bell, the door bursts open, smashing right into your face.

You stumble back from the force the door slammed into you, trying to regain your balance.

“Fuck!” you curse under your breath, instantly moving your hand to hold your nose. It fucking hurts.

You can feel blood seeping from your nose, but you’re too late. It drips on Lexa’s hoodie.

“Oh my god, sorry there.” A woman your age with black hair gasps, an intense green stare looks at you in shock.

You can’t help but let out a laugh. “It’s fine.”

“No, you’re bleeding, oh my god.” The woman steps closer as she looks at you. “Let me see.”

“I’m okay, really.” You try to convince her, but her gaze is stern.

“I am a doctor, let me look if I broke your nose, okay?” her look softens and you nod, dropping your hands from your face.

Her hands move to press her fingers on your nose, a cross-eyed stare that makes you smile lightly.

“Ouch.” You cringe when she pushes harder to feel.

“Yeah, I broke your nose.” She makes an apologetic look. “I am pretty sure my friend has some ice upstairs.”

“Can you fix it?” you are a little anxious. You happen to like your nose very much.

“Of course I can. Come on up.” She grins. “I’m Octavia, by the way. Once again, I am so, so sorry for breaking your nose.”

“It’s fine.” You repeat the words. “I’m Clarke.”

You watch the woman’s eyes widen in recognition, but you decide not to mention it.

"You don't happen to be the daughter of the famous Jake and Abby Griffin, by any chance?" she smiles.

"I am, yeah." you nod. Despite the fact that you don't belong in that world, people recognize you every now and then. You don't mind, Octavia seems pretty sober about it.

She grabs keys from her pocket, opening the door once again.

This time, she is gentler when she steps in.

You don’t know why, but she amuses you. Normally, you’d probably be pretty frustrated when some random chick would break your nose, but she seems actually the type of girl you’d befriend.

She lets you walk into the elevator first as you try to stop the blood from seeping into your blue button up.

Octavia remains silent as the elevator smoothly slides up. You step out on a familiar floor, following the woman to a familiar door.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” You huff to yourself when Octavia opens the door.

You already hear a familiar voice yelling.

“Octavia, what the hell?”

You follow Octavia, but you hover in the doorway, still hiding your nose. It hurts, to say the least.

You watch how Lexa appears, first looking at Octavia, before her gaze moves to you.

“What is happening?” she seems confused, her gaze darkens in annoyance.

“Lexa, relax. I kind of may have broken her nose and I told her that you might have some ice.” Octavia tries to soothe her friend. "Lexa, Clarke, Clarke, Lexa."

"Oh, we've met." you grin under your hands, making Octavia cock a brow in surprise. You watch Lexa cringe.

She still hasn't let you in completely as you hover near her door, watching the two dark-haired girls gaze between each other and you.

You want to roll your eyes at the brunette, but you hold back. Lexa seems thoroughly unamused by the whole happening, glancing between you and her friend.

“Okay, come in.” She finally says, motioning for you to come in.

“I brought you your hoodie, but it’s covered in blood now.” You say, slightly apologetically.

“And that is totally my fault.” Octavia jumps in, dragging you to Lexa’s kitchen. You lay the hoodie on the counter, feeling how Octavia gently takes your jaw between her fingers, looking at your nose again. "So how do you two know each other?"

Before you can say anything, Lexa cuts in. "Kane is friends with her parents."

“You met Jake and Abby Griffin? Holy crap." she grins, her stare still focused on your nose. "Alright, I’m going to pop it back, okay?” 

You just nod.

Her fingers press against the side of your nose, suddenly snapping your bone back in its place with a small crack.

“Fucking hell.” You open your mouth, reaching for your face.

You watch how Lexa approaches you, a wet towel in her hand. She hands it to you without speaking much.

You take it, nodding in response, trying to clean your face.

“Can I use your bathroom?” you ask. When Lexa nods, you take her hoodie, slowly walking to the bathroom.

You sigh when you see yourself in the mirror. Your entire cleavage is covered in blood, your mouth and chin, too. You look like you have been in a serious fight.

You start with pulling your hair up in a bun, out of your bloody face.

You start cleaning your face, starting to feel the annoyance bubbling up. Not that Octavia did it on purpose, but of course, it had to happen _today_ of all fucking days.

You groan to yourself, trying to clean your blouse after your skin is clear, but you quickly give up.

You watch Lexa’s hoodie, grabbing it. Only a few drops of blood stains the front.

You let the cold water run, trying to clean the hoodie. You seem to have fixed it lightly.

You decide that you might try the same on your blouse, taking it off, leaving you in nothing but your bra.

You push it under the tap, completely soaking it, but the blood seems to have dried already.

A knock on the door stops you from cleaning any further. “Yeah?”

You watch how Lexa steps in, instantly shielding her eyes when she sees you in your bra.

You roll your eyes. “As if you haven’t seen that before, Lexa.”

“I just came to check on you.” She grumbles in annoyance. “Octavia left, she was in a hurry. She told me to apologize to you once again. You can come to my kitchen to get some ice.”

“I am not sure if I can fix your hoodie.” You glance back down in the sink.

“That’s on Octavia.” The brunette shakes her head. “Why are you trying to clean it anyway? Probably a lost cause.”

“Since you insisted on having it back, I figured it must be important to you.” You mumble, watching how Lexa rolls her eyes, slipping out of the bathroom.

“Wait!” you say. “Do you maybe have… something else for me to wear?”

You motion to the sink, where your button up and Lexa’s hoodie are sadly drenched in cold water.

“I’ll see if I can find something that… fits.” Her eyes roam over your torso, but she is quick to correct herself, leaving in a hurry.

You throw your blouse in Lexa’s trashcan, leaving the hoodie to dry over the sink, finishing up before moving back to the kitchen. Lexa is nowhere to be seen, so you just lean against the counter casually, not caring that you are slightly uncovered.

A flustered Lexa steps into her own kitchen, stretching her arm to hold out another button up.

“The biggest I could find.” She grimaces at her words.

“Calling me fat?”

“I never said that.”

“It’s a _joke_ , Lexa.” You roll your eyes once again, slipping on the white button up.

To say that it’s big, might be an understatement. It might as well just could’ve been a dress.

You roll up the sleeves, unaware that Lexa moves to stand in front of you, holding a plastic bag of frozen peas.

“Octavia told me you should keep it on as much as possible the next twenty-four hours.” She mumbles, avoiding to look into your eyes.

You wonder what the hell is going on in her head. One moment, she seems completely shy, the other she turns into a stoic woman that doesn’t seem to care about _anything_.

“Thanks.” You take it, pressing it on your nose. You wince instantly, making Lexa look at you.

There is a flash of worry in her eyes, but it disappears before you know for sure it was there in the first place.

“Want something to drink?” she motions to her living room, but you shake your head.

“You don’t have to pretend to be kind. I’ll just go.”

Nodding, Lexa seems hesitant about something, but you have no idea what it is.

You give yourself the time to study her. She looks different.

Dressed in casual jeans, a dark t-shirt, her hair up in a high ponytail, she even looks… cute.

You bury the thought, focusing back on the situation.

“I’m sorry about your hoodie.” You say, but Lexa shakes her head.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I should go.” You say, wanting to hand her back the peas, but she holds up her hand.

“Keep them.”

She walks ahead of you, opening her front door.

“Guess I still owe you a shirt then. I’ll return it soon.” You feel a bit defeated and you don’t know why.

“Nah, you can keep it. Never use it anyway. Also, I found some of your… underwear. I washed it.” she turns without another word, disappearing into her apartment.

You awkwardly stand outside her door, holding the peas against your throbbing nose, feeling strange in this shirt.

Lexa returns with a small plastic bag, handing it to you with stiff movements.

“Thanks.”

“Bye, Clarke.” She already wants to close the door, but you stop her.

“Why do you hate me so much?”

“I don’t hate you.” She rolls her eyes, letting out a small huff. It makes you chuckle.

“Clearly.” You say. “I hope you know I am genuinely sorry about… our _first_ night.”

“It’s fine.” She waves it off, but there is still annoyance written all over her features. “We were drunk anyway, right?”

“It’s not like it _meant_ anything.” You shrug. You watch in surprise how she instantly purses her lips, before nodding.

“Yeah. Anyway, bye, Clarke.”

“Thank you for the shirt. Bye, Lexa.” You soften, turning on your heels to walk to the elevator.

You press the button, only then hearing Lexa’s door close.

You let out a sigh, before stepping back into the elevator to get back down.

That went well.

 _Not_.

You keep the bag on your nose, even when you drive back home. You drop yourself on your couch, not bothering to change into anything else.

You lay your head back, groaning in pain when you shift the bag uncomfortably. You check the silver watch on your wrist.

Seven in the evening. Earliest you have gotten home all week. You feel restless, for some strange reason. Aden clearly isn’t home, so you stand up, taking off your shoes, only to walk to your balcony.

You open the doors, sitting down on one of the few chairs.

You watch the ocean. It has always calmed you, working therapeutically. You smile when the sun starts to lower, enjoying your view.

You don’t notice yourself drifting off to sleep.

\\\

A small nudge in your shoulder wakes you.

“Wakey, wakey, princess.” Aden’s face hovers above you.

You shoot up in surprise, knocking your head against Aden’s, your nose full against his jaw.

“Fucking hell.” Tears jump in your eyes from the pain shooting through your head. Aden instantly steadies you.

“Easy now.” He chuckles, but it falters when you cry. “How on earth did you end up looking like that?”

“Someone threw a door in my face. It fucking hurts.” You sob, suddenly not able to stop crying.

The pain in your nose is slightly overwhelming, a jolt of pain with each throb.

“Sorry.” He instantly moves back inside, only to return with a pack of ice that you always keep in the freezer.

He squats down beside you as you cry, urging you to take it and press against your nose.

You don’t know why you can’t stop sobbing. You really can’t hold back.

“Does it hurt so badly?” Aden’s eyes widen as he moves to hold you against him.

You shake your head. “I don’t know why I’m crying.”

You clutch onto him, while at the same time you try to keep the ice against your nose. He holds you like that for a while, when you realise it’s completely dark outside.

Your stomach rumbles and you realise that you once again have forgotten to eat. You’ve already lost some weight the past weeks.

Aden can read your mind. “What do you want to eat for dinner?”

“I don’t know.” You keep holding him close.

“Shall I order pizza?”

“Yeah.” You sniff, your sobs finally fading. “I don’t know why I am like this.”

“Time of the month?” he teases, sticking out his tongue, but he quickly retreats before you can slap him on the arm.

You laugh through your tears, holding the ice pack against your face as you follow your brother inside.

“How was work?” you ask him as he grabs his phone to order your pizza’s.

“It went really well today.” He grins. “Though we only had table read, wasn’t anything special. We start shooting in two weeks.”

“So you’re leaving me then.” You pout at him, sitting on the stool at your small bar while he leans against the kitchen counter.

He looks good in his simple shirt and jeans, his hair a bit wild. You smile at him, secretly proud for what he has achieved so far.

“Yup.” He pops the ‘p’, smiling at you when he leans forward, his face close to yours. “We mostly shoot in New York, but some parts will be in Boston.”

“Do you have a schedule yet?” you ask him, genuinely interested in his career.

“Yeah. We will shoot for a couple of weeks, at least.” His smile falters, a pout appearing instead. “I’ll miss you.”

“Yeah, who else is going to do your laundry and cleaning your apartment?” you tease, grinning when you ruffle his hair again.

“You gotta stop doing that!” he swats your hand away, but you let out a small laugh.

“We have to throw you a goodbye party.” You state.

“I am literally a month away, tops.” He rolls his eyes, but he smirks, fist bumping you. “Are we gonna go to Grounders?”

His favourite club. A dance club downtown, quite popular for people in their late twenties.

“If that is what you want.” You smile, wincing again when you feel the pain in your nose. He nods with a satisfied grin.

“Okay, I am dying here, Clarke. Who the hell threw a door in your face?” he focuses on your minor injury.

“Lexa’s friend.” You groan, not really in the mood to talk about it.

“She has people everywhere, doesn't she? She’s going to kill us.” Aden gasps in mocking shock, his hand on his chest.

“Shut up, you child.” You laugh. “No, I was just about to ring her door, because you know, she seemed quite attached to that hoodie I stole from her, so I was just returning it. Her friend basically just threw open the door before I got a chance to move, right in my face.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah. She took me upstairs to fix me, because apparently Lexa’s friend is a doctor. But little did I know she went to _Lexa’s_ apartment.” You grin in amusement.

“Your week sure isn’t boring.” Aden laughs a little, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“I know right.” You groan again, clearly ready for pizza. You’re hangry. “Can you hand me a beer?”

Without a word, Aden turns to open the fridge, handing you a bottle after opening it for you.

You take a few sips.

“Pizza should be here soon.” He grins, moving to sit next to you. He leans his head on your shoulder and for a moment, you’re grateful that he knows you well enough not to speak when you feel… down.

You don’t even know _why_ you feel down, you just do. It’s clearly not your day, nor your week.

“I just want to sleep.” You sigh, sick of holding the ice pack against your now numb nose.

“Lemme see.” Aden pulls back, taking over the ice pack as he inspects your nose. “It’s probably going to swell.”

“That’s very helpful, doc.” You grin, already knowing that that indeed was going to happen.

“Just trying to be nice.” He raises his hands, but you pull him in a hug.

“I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone.” You hold him tightly.

His arms instantly wrap around you. “Why are you being so sentimental?”

“I don’t know.” You shake your head, leaning your chin on his shoulder. “I truly have no fucking clue.”

“Does it have anything to do with Lexa?” his voice doesn’t even sound teasing.

“No.” you’re pretty sure it’s not Lexa. “Work has been busy lately, I don’t know…”

“You see a lot of shit every day, Clarke. It’s okay to have a breakdown over that every once in a while.” He soothes you.

“It’s not a breakdown.”

“I _know_ you, baby sis.” He teases, making you pull back with a sad grin.

“ _Fine_. It’s a small, tiny, mini breakdown. Happy now?”

“Not really, but happy you told me.” He laughs. The doorbell rings and he instantly rises to buzz the delivery guy in.

You watch him hover near the front door, smiling to yourself. Aden may seem like an idiot most of the time, but truly you need him in your life. He always takes care of you when you don’t do it yourself.

He looks after you, even though he seems to others that he doesn’t. He is always there for you and you are so fucking grateful for him.

He returns with the pizza’s and you smile, sitting cross-legged on the floor, eating at the coffee table.

He turns on the TV to watch a soccer game, but you whine.

He rolls his eyes, moving to a baseballgame from the Dodgers, making you grin.

“I still don’t understand why you love that game so much.” He grins, eating from his pizza.

“It’s the best game in all existence.” You laugh, feeling slightly better with pizza and beer.

“Only doing this because you cried today.” He motions his head to the TV, a sweet smile on his face.

“I know, dork.”

“Don’t call me dork, nerd.”

“Don’t can me nerd then, geek.”

“I am not a geek!” he wants to throw pizza your way, but you laugh when you duck.

“And I am not a nerd!”

“Whatever.” He laughs.

Suddenly, your phone rings and you see it’s your dad. You put him on speaker.

“Hey, dad!” you and Aden call in unison, while your twin mutes the television.

“Kiddo’s! See, Abs, I knew they were together tonight.” Jake mumbles in the background, making both you and your brother smile.

“Hey, sweethearts.” You hear your mother.

“Hi, mom.”

“Hey, ma.”

“So, we wanted to ask you first.” Jake suddenly starts, quite serious all the sudden.

“Ask us what?” Aden seems surprised about the serious tone, but you already think you know where this is going.

Your parents’ wedding anniversary is sometime soon and you think this call has something to do with that.

Aden, of course, is always oblivious to those kind of things.

You just mouth the word ‘anniversary’ to him and it dawns upon your brother.

“We’re married for thirty years this year. We kinda wanted to announce this last week, but we didn’t have a venue yet, so… here goes.” Abby sounds, quite happy about the whole thing.

“We are throwing a party. It’s gonna be big, though. We wanted you guys to know first.”

You can almost hear your father grin through the phone.

“You’re early this year with planning.” You smile. “Where are you keeping it?”

“That’s a surprise. Just keep the thirtieth of October free this year, okay kids?” Jake continues. “Invitations will come soon enough.”

“Will do.” You smile, already placing the date in your phone.

“We do want a theme, though.” Abby says. “Do you guys have any suggestions?”

“Gender swap?” you snicker, not taking it too seriously.

“Guys in dresses and women in suits?” you can hear your mother gasp, then laughing.

Aden throws you a look, making you stick out your tongue.

“How about just go with your wedding theme? What was it again?”

“We invited people to a masquerade ball, they had no idea it was actually our wedding.” Jake chuckles.

“That is actually a great idea. Just invite people to a gala and then it turns out to be our thirtieth anniversary instead!” Abby exclaims.

“But everyone will know since like… you’re already married. They will remember, right?” Aden looks at you with questioning eyes.

“If they’re good friends they will.” You chuckle, hearing your parents laugh as well.

“Anyway, that is actually a good idea. Can you guys keep it a secret from Raven and Lincoln?” Abby asks.

“Oh, well.” Your eyes widen. “You guys know I can’t really lie.”

“At least _try_.” Jake laughs, and you promise him that you will.

“It is still like, two months away though.” You grin when you think about it. It is still summer and they are already planning their party.

“We like to be prepared, Clarke.” Jake sounds. “Anyway, we will definitely have to choose different invitation cards now.”

“Yeah, how about the black and white one? With the shiny letters?” Abby answers.

“Guys, how about you discuss this without us?” Aden giggles, taking a sip of his beer.

“Yeah, right! Sure. Uh, well, hereby we invite you to our gala.” Jake snickers. “And Clarke, thank you for the suggestion.”

“You’re welcome.” You lick your fingers when you finish your pizza.

You say your goodbye’s, locking your phone. You’re instantly being called again, this time it’s Raven.

“Clarke! Ade!” she yells into the phone roughly. “We gonna go out, wanna join?”

“I broke my nose, so I am not dancing tonight!” you yell back at your friend, laughing when Aden makes a weird face.

“What the fuck?” Raven sounds truly surprised. “How the fuck did that happen?”

“Lexa’s friend attacked her!” Aden yells, but you push him away.

“What?” Lincoln’s drunken voice suddenly sounds. “We’re coming over!”

“Oh no.” you say, shaking your head, but Raven already hung up the phone.

“Gee, thanks Ade.” You laugh, unable to find things… not funny.

“Sorry.” He grins goofily, slowly getting up to grab more beer, downing one in under twenty seconds. “I really think that Lexa _likes_ you, though.”

“She hates me.” You roll your eyes, puffing when you lean your back against the side of the couch.

“She doesn’t.” Aden already slurs, dropping himself clumsily on the couch. “Otherwise she wouldn’t sleep with you. Wait.”

He giggles uncontrollably. “That means you like her, too.”

“She’s the most annoying human being I’ve ever met, Ade.” You whine, complaining when you take the beer he hands you, downing it just as quickly as your twin had before.

Aden’s blue eyes go wide when he sees you drink faster than him. “Damn, Griff.”

“Shut up.” You let out a tiny burp, giggling when your brother throws his head back to laugh.

“Even drunk, you make a terrible dude, dude.” He laughs heartedly.

“I don’t even wanna be a dude, man. Also, _not_ drunk.” You groan, starting to hiccup. “Also, where are those silly friends of ours? I wanna sleep.”

“They’re probably just assss drunk as we are, Clarkey.”

“You gotta stop calling me Clarkey, Aden. And like I said, I am _not_ drunk.”

“But I like it when I can call you Clarkey.” Your brother pouts, running a hand through his hair, making it stand straight up.

You laugh at him, completely forgetting what you were even arguing about, when the door flies open and a drunken Raven stumbles inside, instantly rushing to drop herself by your side.

Her face is incredibly close as she studies you intensely, her eyes narrowing.

“Damn, you look like a troll, Clarke.” Raven then grins, leaning in to peck you on the cheek drunkenly.

You don’t even notice Lincoln shuffling inside, not until he is dropped and well on the couch behind you, sipping from a beer that Aden handed him.

“Fuck you, Raven.” You push your friend out of your personal space, throwing your head back to look up, seeing Lincoln’s face peak over the couch.

He grins at you. “She’s right, you _do_ look like a troll.”

“Fuck you all!”

“You wanna fuck Lexa.” Raven giggles behind her hand and you push her away.

“I can’t help it that she’s like, _amazing_ in bed.” You mumble, completely tired of everyone pointing out the facts. You add more beer to your stomach, feeling the familiar buzz popping up in your head.

“Don’t wanna know the details!” Lincoln puts fingers in his ears, but you slap him on the chest.

“Like I am going to give you that!” you groan. “God, I drank too much, already. Why are we doing this, we’re freaking adults.”

“We’re only twenty-eight, Clarke. We can party until we die.” Raven stumbles to her side, leaning against you heavily.

“I cannot handle it anymore.” You keep complaining, pouting when you glance between your brother and Raven. “I feel like a child.”

“Because we _are_ kids, Clarke.” Aden laughs.

You know he might be right.

You’re not much of an adult. Never lived alone, never had a relationship. You bury your feelings, all of them, only to drink them away.

You hate it.

But you love your friends.

You smile at them, leaning back against your best friend, slowly drifting off to sleep without even noticing.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, let me know what you think.
> 
> also, currently only working on the third chapter. i want to finish this story completely before i upload again, but with the current speed i am writing i'd say it would take me about two weeks tops, to finish those 100,000 words xD


	3. rules are made to be broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> little look inside Clarke's job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uploading faster than anticipated. almost finished writing this fic.
> 
> enjoy!
> 
> didn't check for typo's completely so sorry in advance!! might check later.

\\\

Thankfully, your nose heals quite quickly. You have been looking ridiculous the past weeks, really.

You’ve literally had purple bags under your eyes from the break of the bone, it has been swollen for too long and you hated that you had to face (no pun intended) so many people. Thank god for strong make-up on that one.

You are currently working in your office, finishing up some reports. You have one last appointment, to which you are leaving soon.

You are checking up on a kid living in a foster home since a week. A ten year old kid, who has been abused so badly by his parents that they called the cops on the family.

The father is currently in custody and you are trying to find the boy a permanent home.

It’s hard, really. Foster homes are just temporary and you watch kids break. You watch kids switch from home to home, never getting attached to their guardians. You watch how some of the foster parents are not much better than the kids’ biological parents and it fucking hurts.

You wish that you could do more. You wish that there were more people who would ever consider helping, that there was a way to raise more awareness with how much foster homes are needed.

In California alone are more than 60,000 kids in foster care and you feel like it is only getting worse each day.

The things you see break you. There are homeless kids that you pick up from the streets sometimes. Kids who have lost everything and have no choice but to be strong.

Kids who don’t have a choice in _anything_ that happens to them and you wish that you could do so much more. You wish you could take them all in yourself, but you can’t.

You know this. You know you are only able to do so much. And people hate you.

Parents hate you for taking their kids. Kids hate you for putting them in foster homes, separating them from their parents.

It breaks you too, really. There are so many beautiful things about this job. There are grateful people, grateful kids, but mostly the bad things stay with you.

You dream about it, sometimes. You dream about all the people who suffer. You think about all those kids who weren’t as privileged as you were and you feel guilty for it.

You know you shouldn’t, you know it isn’t your fault and yet, you take it all on yourself.

You sigh, getting ready for your last appointment of the day, strolling out the office, to your car.

You drive to the decent neighbourhood, not too far from Lexa’s apartment, you realise.

You ring the bell, making sure that you don’t look too professional for the kid. You’re only really here for him.

The foster dad opens the door, smiling when he lets you in. You trust this guy.

Over time, you have learned to read people. You have learned how to know if people are good or not, something that you find very important in this job.

Not just to estimate parents, but foster parents, too.

He smiles at you, walking to the living room, where you watch the kid sit on the couch.

You join him. He smiles at you, clearly remembering you.

“Your nose healed.” He grins and you simply smile back at him.

“It did.”

“You still haven’t told me who punched you.” He leans back in the couch.

“Well, Nate, it would probably be very disappointing if I tell you that someone just threw a door in my face.” You chuckle, sitting beside the boy.

He is smart for his age – he watches people. He reads people. He is somehow good at that and you think it might come in handy for the boy.

“Hmm, who did?”

“A friend of a friend.” You shrug vaguely, deciding not to take his file in hand. You remember his case all too well and you know that some kids don’t like it when you come across as just someone who does business.

The father offers you coffee, but you kindly decline.

“So, how are things going right now?” you glance into his deep, brown eyes, watching how his lips purse subtly.

“They’re fine, really.” He tries to smile, but you can tell that he still has to get used to the situation.

“Are they treating you well?” you nudge him in the shoulder, smiling when he averts his eyes from you.

He glances outside, pulling his feet on the couch to hug his knees.

“You can be honest with me, you know this right?” you mumble softly, glancing through the same window he has been looking at for the past ten seconds.

“I know, Clarke.” He smiles, turning back to you. “It’s good here.”

“But..?” you ask him, already knowing where this is going.

“I miss my mom. She didn’t do anything wrong.” He whispers, hugging his knees just a little tighter than before. 

“Are you sure about that, Nate?” you breathe. You have read the files. You have seen the father.

“Yes.” He nods with determination.

“Do you think you will ever live with her again?” you ask him in all honesty, knowing that this is not going to happen. His mother left.

His mother is currently MIA, and you have no idea if he understands that he might never see her again.

“No.” he is pursing his lips again.

“You’re brave.” You say, in all honesty.

“I don’t have a choice.” He replies, looking back up at you with pleading brown eyes.

You smile sadly, nodding at him. “You know where to find me if you ever need to talk, right?”

“Yeah. I have your number. They bought me a phone last week.” His eyes sparkle only subtly, but you are happy to see that he seems to enjoy it here.

You squeeze his shoulder. “Don’t hesitate to call.”

“I won’t.” he grins. “Do you want to play some soccer?”

Soccer. A game you haven’t played in years. You are not the most athletic person, but you’ve actually played soccer and baseball in high school, always loving those two sports.

You check the watch on your wrist. “Fifteen minutes!”

He jumps up, dragging you to the backyard. You play with him. It is all worth the sacrifice when he beams the moment he scores.

You know you can easily win from him, but you don’t. You let him win, making him happily scream as he falls into your arms.

You laugh with him. “Alright, alright, I think we know who’s best.”

“I am!” he grins, high-fiving you with a certain kind of enthusiasm you haven’t spotted with him before.

“How about we rematch soon?” you promise him, taking him back inside. He stops you though.

He stops you, tugging on your hand before you open the door back inside.

“You promise?” his eyes are big, his pout too adorable to ignore.

“Yes. How about you text me right now so I will have your number and I stop by some time soon, okay?” you ruffle his short, black hair, making him smile goofily.

You once again try to enter the house, but he pulls you into a hug. His head doesn’t even reach your chest, but you hold him tightly.

His arms around your waist, you hold him.

You feel him shudder and you know for sure that he is crying.

You let him.

Your heart breaks for him. You let him cry for a moment, not caring that you might get to the office too late.

You still have to speak with his foster parents about his case before you leave, but you let him cry.

Then, you squat down, holding him by his shoulders. He tries to hide his tears.

“Nate?” you try to make him look at you, and he glances up.

“Yeah, Clarke?”

“Please, call me if you need me, okay?” you have no idea why you are doing this. You never do this. You never feel _this_ connected to a kid. You have never played soccer with a child before. “Even though it’s just something small, I will find the time to come visit you, okay?”

“Okay.” He nods, pulling out a small smart phone from his pocket. It’s an older model, but he seems thoroughly happy with it. “I already put your number in it.”

“How about you text me now and I will see if it’s the right number you put in?” you ask him, pulling out your work phone. “No, wait. Give me your phone.”

“What?” he seems surprised.

“The number you have right now is from my work, okay? I’ll give you my private number, just in case.” You smile at him. You put in your personal number, handing him his phone back.

He smiles so happily that you almost want to cry. He stumbles forward, his arms wrapping around your shoulders tightly.

“Okay, I am going to have to talk to James and Emily, okay?” you refer to the foster parents, making him pull back. He nods. “Are they really treating you well, Nate?”

“Yes, yes.” He nods. “Yes, they do. Don’t worry about me, Clarke.”

“I’ll always worry about you. Why do you think I gave you my number?” you grin, making him smile.

“I am glad you did.” His smile doesn’t fade when he takes your hand, guiding you back inside.

You melt.

This right here reminds you why you are doing your job. You may suck around adults, but you’ve always been good with kids.

They are… not as complicated. Easier to read. Easier to talk to. You know you could probably tell all your problems to a ten year old kid like Nate and he would listen closer than anybody else ever would.

You follow him into the kitchen, where you watch his foster parents talk to each other.

He gives you one last hug before he runs up the stairs, before disappearing into his room.

You smile.

“He likes you.” James seems surprised, leaning against the kitchen counter.

“I like him, too.” You smile, grabbing your suitcase with his file. “How has he been doing?”

“He is… very closed off.” Emily speaks up, smiling at you. She is kind.

“He is. It’s normal for kids to do that. They may be flexible, but it always takes time to get used to a new situation.” You look over his paperwork. “So his mother is still MIA, his father is in custody and it looks like he won’t be getting out any time soon.”

“He can stay with us for as long as he wants.” James smiles.

“I am happy to hear that.” You smile at the man, who reaches for his wife to wrap an arm around her shoulder. “So, I will be checking up on him from time to time. If there are any problems, if you need anything, just let me know. For now, he will stay with you for as long as you can have him. In the meantime, we will try to find him a permanent home.”

“And with permanent home you mean somewhere out of the state?” Emily shakes her head.

“We don’t have many families for adoption here, especially not for kids his age.” You tilt your head lightly, answering her question. “He might be placed somewhere out of LA if that time ever comes, which I highly doubt. We will have to see if something comes up for him.”

“Well, we adore him. We would love to take care of him for… you know, a longer period of time.” James hints, making you smile.

“I am glad he is in good hands. Just so you know, I gave him my number. He wanted a rematch at soccer, so he might contact me about that.” You check your silver watch again, knowing it’s time to go.

“He loves you, so it’s fine, Clarke.” James grins in amusement.

You smile back at him. “Like I said, if there are any questions at all, just let me know. I know he is your first kid after all.”

“We have waited for this for a long time.” Emily is shy, blushing lightly when you smile kindly at her.

“I know. I want to thank you for this.” You shake their hands. You reach for your business card, handing it to them. “Just in case.”

You say your goodbyes, wanting to leave, but you spot Nate right on top of the stairs.

He shakes his phone. You wink at him, leaving the house.

The moment you drop yourself in your car, you spot a text on your personal phone.

 **Unknown number** – rematch Sunday?

You grin, putting his number in your phone.

 **Clarke** – you bet! How about at four? I will pick you up so we can go to the park, but only if James and Emily are okay with it ;)

 **Nate Miller** – Already asked. They are fine. See you then, Clarke :)

You can’t stop smiling, putting your phone away. This is why you love this job, why you chose to do it in the first place. This feeling is something you should remember.

This, instead of all the hurt that you see. You have to remember that some kids are actually ending up in a good place, despite the fact that they will be damaged for the rest of their lives because of what happened to their biological family.

You drive back to the office in forty minutes, delayed by the upcoming rush hour. You are annoyed, drumming the wheel with your hands impatiently.

You sigh when you suddenly remember that Aden’s goodbye party is tonight. For two weeks, you’ve been working so hard, so much that you barely had time to see him.

For two weeks, you just tried to forget that he’s leaving in the first place, as if he is going away forever.

Even though it’s only for a month, you take it hard. You hate to admit that you might depend on him more than you think you do.

Raven has offered to move in during the time that he will be gone, but you kindly declined. You must be able to live on your own, even though it’s the first time in your life that you will be separated from Aden for such a long time.

It’s strange, to say the least. He’s your brother, your other half. You do so many things together, it’s just strange to think you have to do it alone from now on.

Maybe it’s for the best. You’re freaking twenty-eight, you’re a grown woman. You should be able to just be alone for once.

But you are not good at being alone. You know this. You need people around you, you need distractions. You need people to talk to, even though it’s just about stupid silly things to distract your busy mind.

You finally arrive at the office, quickly disappearing to finish the report on Nathan Miller. You are just emailing it to Jaha when a voice makes you look up.

“You alright?” Lincoln hovers in the doorway to your office. You glance up at him.

“Is it stupid when I say that I feel terrible about Aden leaving?” you grimace, making Lincoln chuckle.

“No, it’s not. You two are inseparable. You have been, ever since I met you.” He nods understandingly.

“Yeah. Anyway, what time are you done today? We have a party to attend tonight.” You smile.

“First goodbye dinner with your parents.” Lincoln winks at you. “Will you let me drive you this time?”

“It’s not in Malibu.” You shake your head. “My parents planned dinner at this fancy restaurant in Venice.”

“Will you let me pick you and Aden up then, at seven? I’ll take Raven, too. After dinner I can park my car at home and we can go to the club.” His fingers drum on the doorframe as he leans against it. “You can obviously sleep at my place.”

Lincoln lives close to the club Aden loves. You smile at him. “Sure. I’ll let Aden know.”

“Already done.” He grins, nodding, before turning back to his own office.

You quickly finish your last paperwork, having to get home in time to get changed. You finally send everything to Jaha, who always wants to read everything.

You haven’t seen him in quite a while and you wonder where he is, but you’ve been working so much that you have spent at least 75% outside the office, on the road for appointments with your clients. 

On your way out, you peek in Lincoln’s office. When you see he’s still there, you smile. “See you later, Linc.”

“Bye, Clarke.” He smiles warmly, before returning to work.

You quickly go home, only to find Aden playing a video game. He is all ready to go, though, based on his outfit and his waxed hair.

“Hey, how was work?” he grins widely, but never taking his eyes off the TV screen.

“It was fine. I gotta shower quickly, though. Lincoln is picking us up in exactly…” you check your watch. “…forty-five minutes.”

“I know. I’m ready.” He grins, now _finally_ making eye contact.

“Having fun?” you laugh. When he nods, you disappear into the bathroom, quickly stripping to get showered.

You finish, blowing your hair dry. You leave it in its natural curls, putting on make-up, with eyeliner.

For clothes, you go with a simple dress, a navy blue one. It has thin straps, it wraps tightly around your body and is just long enough to be considered appropriate. You put on high heels, but not too high, since you need to survive dancing at the club tonight.

You grab a matching purse, only to return to the living room. Aden wolf whistles at you.

“Nice dress.” He comments, turning off the TV.

“Thank you.” You grin, watching your brother in his light jeans, his dark blue button up. “We’re matching.”

“We don’t need clothes to match.” He chuckles, grabbing his phone. “Lincoln is on his way."

“Good.” You grin with satisfaction. “I can’t _wait_ to get drunk.”

“Neither can I. We are such good adults.” He laughs, grabbing his wallet and keys.

“Oh, we’re staying at Lincoln’s tonight.”

“I figured.”

“I packed some clothes, don’t you need some?” you look at him, but he shakes his head.

“Nah, I got some spare clothes at his place.”

“Gee, one might think you two are dating.” You tease, earning you a slap from your brother. You know full well that he is straight as fuck.

“Shut up. It’s not like you don’t have stuff at Raven’s place.” He rolls his eyes.

“Actually, I don’t.” you laugh. You always keep your things with you. Usually. When you’re not leaving a strangers apartment in a hurry, for instance.

“Whatever.” He laughs.

“So, what time does your flight leave on Sunday again?” you may have forgotten.

“At three.” He grins, placing his hand on the small of your back to guide you out of the apartment.

The two of you take the elevator, watching Lincoln’s Jeep roll into the street the moment you step outside.

Aden calls shotgun, making you grumble something under your breath, but Raven is already in the front seat.

You stick out your tongue at him as the two of you slide into the back, your brother pouting.

“Ready?” Raven wears a deep red dress, her hair loose, looking gorgeous as ever. Lincoln simply wears a similar outfit to Adens’.

“Always.” You grin at her, watching how Aden squeezes Raven’s shoulder and high fives Lincoln before the big man starts to drive.

“You look hot, babe.” The Latina grins at you and you wink back at her.

“We all look hot.” Lincoln huffs, driving down to Venice.

“That we do.” You laugh at him, leaning back in the seat as you watch the city glide by.

Thankfully, Venice is only a short drive away and you don’t have to spend too much time cramped in the back of the car.

Lincoln parks the car near the restaurant. The moment you exit, camera’s flash in your face.

You internally roll your eyes. Your parents must have arrived already, somebody alerting the paparazzi.

This is exactly why you mostly meet your parents at their house.

You hate it. You feel a hand on your back. Like a bodyguard, Lincoln guides you into the restaurant while you shield your face from the camera’s.

You should be used to it by now. Though you are not as well-known as your parents and your brother, you still know what it is like.

You know what it’s like, not to have privacy the moment you step out the door. This is exactly why high school was torture for you. Why you were so popular, people wanted to be your friend only because of your parents.

You grunt something under your breath when a photographer almost follows you inside, yelling some questions about why you are here and if Lincoln is your boyfriend.

Aden has already slipped inside, and you quickly follow.

“Geez.” Raven looks back with an annoyed look on her face. “So much for privacy.”

Aden just shrugs with a grin. You look at him, knowing that he might be more used to it.

You already spot your parents sitting in the corner of the fancy restaurant, around a large round table.

You and your friends greet them happily.

“Sorry about that.” Jake motions outside when you place yourself next to him, Raven on your other side.

“Who alerted them?” you grumble, not amused by it.

“Probably a guest.” Abby shrugs, not really caring. You glance around the restaurant.

You get several stares from people and you roll your eyes.

You let it go, though. You fall into a light chat with your family, speaking of how proud you are of Aden, how far he has come.

How he is building his career in Hollywood.

You sometimes find yourself wondering _why_ he still lives with you. He has plenty of money himself and he chooses to live in a crappy apartment with you.

You study him while the others talk. He seems happy. He looks good, healthy and you can’t help the pride bubbling in your chest.

You are definitely going to miss him while he’s gone.

The night is spent absolutely well. You enjoy every second of it, drinking champagne to toast on your brothers career.

And he beams. He is so happy and thrilled and you are reminded of how important family is. How incredibly lucky you are to have all of them, how you appreciate each and every one of them.

You may not be too close to your mother, but you love her. You may not always understand your dad, but you love him. The same goes for your friends, your brother.

They have always proven to be there for you and you have done the same for them. Yeah, you love them with everything that you have. You don’t feel like something is missing, yet there is a strange tug at your heart when you think of home.

Your home. Your home exists of you and your brother and you realise that you start wishing it were somebody else you could come home to.

You shake the thought, though. You don’t have time for relationships. You don’t have time to date. You only reserve your spare time for your own peace of mind and your family. _If_ you even have much spare time to begin with.

You have been too busy lately. You have had a full schedule. Though you love your job, it starts to feel like a burden that you take home sometimes, just like with Nathan. You are going to see him in your free time.

Not that you mind, you love the boy already, despite the fact you have seen him for not more than ten hours. But those ten hours have been really intense for him, you know this.

You find yourself starting to worry. Not only about Nathan, but about all the other kids. All those cases.

It starts to feel like the weight of the world is being thrown on your shoulders, the responsibility that comes with it. Not that you mind, you’d happily help. You would happily sacrifice yourself and that is what you’re doing, but lately you start feeling the consequences of that.

“Earth to Clarke.” Raven throws her arm around your shoulder, pulling you close to press a clumsy kiss on the corner of your mouth.

“Hmm?” you take a sip of your champagne, watching how your parents, Aden and Lincoln are wrapped up in an intense conversation.

“What is going on in that genius mind of yours?” Raven slurs, grinning when you quirk a brow.

“I am not a genius, Raven.” You lean against her, enjoying her half-embrace.

“Fine. What is going on in that _rotten brain_ of yours?”

“Nothing.” You smile at her.

“You’re a bad liar sometimes.” Raven mutters, shaking her head, but she knows better than to push.

“Are we going to be alone for the rest of our lives?” you say quietly, not wanting the rest to hear. “We are in our late twenties and yet, we are still alone. None of us has ever really had a relationship.”

“Well, I think I will end up alone, but I don’t mind.” She grins, seeming not to take it seriously. “But you guys won’t.”

“You wanna be alone for the rest of your life?” you seem surprised.

“I am not alone, I’ve got you guys.” The Latina motions her hand over the table, her glass in hand.

That captures the attention of the rest, all eyes on you and Raven.

“Speech?” Lincoln teases, but the other girl takes it seriously, clumsily standing from the chair, raising her glass.

“To Aden! That he may become very, very famous and give us all the money he earns!”

You chuckle when you grab your glass, raising it as well.

“Hell yeah.” Lincoln smirks, though you can tell that he isn’t nearly as tipsy as you and Raven. He still has to drive, after all.

“To Aden!”

\\\

The moment you enter the club, the bass drums through your torso, up your throat. You think it’s a bass-boosted remix from Beyonce’s Drunk in Love, and you cannot help yourself when you move to the dancefloor, dragging Raven with you.

The club is large enough to get lost, the dark disco lights flashing over the crowd.

Raven looks hot tonight, her strapless dress even tighter than yours, her cleavage so present you fear her boobs might fall out.

You swirl Raven around, laughing drunkenly when you notice Aden and Lincoln joining you.

You throw your hands in the air, swaying and twirling your hips smoothly.

As the heavy bass thrums, Lincoln slips away, only to return several minutes later with a tray of shots, his hands holding it high up in the sky to avoid for people to make him drop the expensive liquid.

“Shots!” Raven yells, watching how many shots Lincoln took. “Can we do body shots?”

“Rae, we’re not in college.” You yell back at her, laughing when she moves to the beat while downing the drinks.

Lincoln has brought many.

Too many, you know that. You grin when you down two in a row, feeling how Raven throws her arm around your shoulder, leaning on you heavily.

“You’re so drunk.” You laugh, only to realise you might even be drunker than the Latina is.

Aden’s gaze is already glassy, when he steals Raven from you, only to dance intensely with her, moving on the floor right next to you.

Lincoln just laughs, downing a few shots himself before getting rid of the tray. He bows in front of you like a true gentleman, offering his hand to you, which you gladly take.

You laugh back at him when he dances. He is the least smooth of all, but you are having fun when the beat speeds up, swaying your entire body. You forget everything else as you dance it out.

At some point, the four of you just all dance against each other closely and you are not sure which limbs are your own anymore.

Your world is spinning, the music is loud and you are having an amazing time. Raven removes herself from Aden, only to be glued to you the entire time.

Not that you mind, really. You and Raven dance together so often, you know her every move and it makes it all the more fun.

“Well, well, looky here.” Raven speaks in your ear loudly, wiggles her eyebrows, gesturing her head shortly to her other side, glancing there while she clings onto you tightly.

You slip your arm around her waist to steady her, trying to see who the hell she’s is talking about.

“Well, hello there.” Lincoln grins smugly. You watch how Octavia slips through the crowd, only to stand against him drunkenly. She waves at you and you raise your eyebrows in surprise.

Lincoln introduces himself to the girl that broke your nose and you are thoroughly confused as to _why_ she’s here in the first place.

Octavia wears a silver dress, making Lincoln drool all over her and you grin when you watch how those two start to dance together, completely leaving you and Raven alone.

You only realise now that you lost Aden, too. He is nowhere to be seen in the crowd, but you don’t mind. He is probably having fun with a random girl.

“Lexa!” your best friend exclaims and you have to hold back the _perfect_ eyeroll.

“Why on earth are they here?” you hiss at Raven, watching her move to hug Lexa awkwardly.

“I invited them!”

“You _what_?” you glare at Raven, not even bothering to look at Lexa in the crowd.

“I thought it’d be fun.” Raven grins, pressing a kiss on the corner of your mouth and you scrunch up your nose. You’re not amused, just grateful that you’re drunk right now.

“How on earth did you even get in touch with them?” you ask, but she purposely ignores you, turning to talk to Lexa.

You groan internally, hating that she invited Lexa. You hate that your night is basically ruined.

But, it all seems forgotten the _moment_ you spot her.

It all seems to fade when you lay your eyes on her.

It’s all worth it, really. _More_ than worth it.

Your breath hitches in your throat, literally. You almost choke on air.

She is wearing the absolute highest heels you have ever seen, her toned legs long and bare up until halfway her smooth thighs.

 _God_.

A deep green dress hugs her hips so tightly you wonder how she can even move. Your eyes roam over her body shamelessly, watching her cleavage, the tanned, exposed skin of her arms and shoulders.

The thinnest straps you’ve ever seen carry the dress, the collar on the front dipping so deep you can almost spot her belly button.

 _Dear fucking God_.

You swallow when you meet her face. You swallow again when you realise that she truly is the most beautiful woman that you have ever seen.

She wears heavy make-up, eyeliner accentuating her large, imploring orbs. Her thick lips are pink and so, _so_ kissable that you almost forget you are not _supposed_ to like her.

Her hair is loose, long and straight, thrown over one shoulder.

She looks… yeah well, you have no words, really.

Lexa looks at you the same way you are looking at her, probably. You watch her gaze lower to your cleavage.

You watch how she wets her lips with the tip of her tongue, her eyes darkening, even visible in the dim light of the club.

She seems at least tipsy and you are grateful for it.

Raven spills many, many words, but you don’t hear one of them.

You only watch Lexa’s eyes snap at your friend, a small smile playing on her lips as they move to speak.

You don’t hear her, either. You feel Raven still against you, but you can’t tear your eyes away from the brunette.

She’s being pushed against you and Raven, the crowd only seeming to grow. You give up speaking, really.

The music goes louder every second, the beat getting more intense.

You decide to dance again. You bring yourself into moving, intoxicated enough that it feels natural.

You start to focus on your dance, laughing when Raven moves with you. You lay your arms on the Latina’s shoulders, feeling how she presses herself against you.

You see Lexa watching you. You see her gaze on your face and you don’t even care anymore.

You’re actually having fun, despite the fact you’ve already lost both Aden and Lincoln somewhere in the club. But this is normal. This is clubbing.

A tap on your shoulder makes you turn around. A charming man with dark eyes, half long hair grins at you.

You untangle yourself from Raven, looking at him expectantly. He already presses himself against you, leaning in.

“Wanna join me?” his breath tickles in your neck. Before you can say anything, a protective arm slips around your waist. You shake your head at the guy, who seems to be frustrated.

"Why not?" his hands are on your hips possessively, making you groan in annoyance. 

“She's dancing with _me_.” Lexa simply states, her bossy tone doing many things to your head. It's _her_ arm that's around your waist, _her_ lips that press a kiss on your cheek to make a point.

"Fine." the guy retracts, throwing the both of you a glare, but you just smile sweetly, your gaze already back on Lexa.

Your head is buzzing and you can’t seem to stop looking at her.

Her green eyes never leave yours and for a moment you think you can see the emotions playing behind her stare, but you are not sure.

She pulls you against her and you yelp in surprise. You notice that Raven is nowhere to be found and you curse the woman under your breath.

“So, I'm dancing with _you_? Why would I?” you challenge her, but secretly, you don’t mind. Lexa seems possessive and seductive and she is so fucking beautiful. She is so fucking sexy and she fucks with your mind.

She leans in, her voice lower than usual when she speaks in your ear. “You’re supposed to like me _now_.”

You just smirk at her, snaking your arms around her neck as hers slide around your hips. She sways you to the beat, her face closer than you expected she would be.

Her green eyes look at you with intent and you have no idea what it means. She acts greedy, that is all you know.

Strangely enough, it turns you on. It turns you on how she holds you, how she is looking at you and the feeling of her hips hooked with yours.

She leans in, for a brief moment making you believe she is going to kiss you, but she tilts her head.

Her hand brushes away your loose blonde hair from your neck, before her lips attach to the delicate skin there. Your eyes flutter closed instantly as you can feel her softness against you.

You are definitely drunker than you _should_ be.

You think a song from the Weeknd is playing when you intensely start to dance against her, your hand hold her close in the nape of her neck.

Your hips move together and you can feel it all. You can feel the heat through your body, going straight to your core as you lick your lips, lowering by bending your knees just lightly.

You press your leg between hers, hating that both your dresses are so incredibly tight.

You enjoy it thoroughly, though. You enjoy the way she holds you close, the way she can’t seem to part from you.

You have to admit – neither can you.

You are not able to detach yourself from her, not when her hips roll smoothly into yours, not when she is panting in your neck, her hot breath tickling you in the best way possible.

You tilt your head just enough to give her more access.

“You’re so lucky that I’m drunk.” You laugh near her ear. You lean into her touches, closing your eyes as you can feel your body move to the beat.

You’re more than just turned on. You fucking _crave_ her.

You press both your hands in her neck to pull her closer and she doesn’t seem to mind.

Behind the mane of your blonde hair, she nips on your skin, her teeth sinking into your neck deliciously. You moan, grateful that the music is so loud.

You move your lips, grazing her ear. “Restrooms?”

She pulls back, her green eyes locked with yours with an intensity you haven’t seen in her before. Before you can speak more, she reaches forward, her soft lips meeting yours.

You didn’t see it coming, yet you meet her with your lips already parted, your tongue thinking for itself when it swipes at her lips.

You can feel the vibration of her moans as you rock your hips into her on the beat, your kisses growing more and more passionate.

There is something magical about being drunk, about getting lost in the heavy bass of the music, your body attached to _hers_ almost completely.

She is so fucking sexy. The way her hands make their way into your neck, her thumbs placed on the skin just before your ears.

The way she keeps changing angles, as if she searches something more, _yearning_ for more.

You rest your hands on her sides, feeling her ribcage underneath her dress.

She is breathing heavily when she pulls back for a moment.

She leans in to purr in your ear. “You’re _fucking_ infuriating.”

Before you can do more, she tugs on your hand, smoothly guiding you through the busy crowd.

You have trouble not to look at her. The way her ass is so perfectly round in that dress, her hips swaying. The way her long, _long_ legs walk in confidence, the muscles in her calves flexing with each step.

The way her dress barely leaves anything to the imagination. The strangest thing is that what you love the _most,_ is the grip of her long fingers around your wrist as she guides you. The way she pulls you with her, gentle and yet determined.

The way her hands are so soft, warm and comforting, even.

Yeah, you are really fucking wasted. You have no idea where she takes you, not until you stand right outside the club.

There are many people hovering on the pavement.

“Where are we going?” you are thoroughly confused.

“Away.”

“But it’s Aden’s party.” You fight her weakly. She turns around, almost pressing herself up against you while she has all the space in the world.

“We can always come back. The only thing I know is I am _not_ fucking you in the restrooms here.” Her voice is so fucking low, the sweetness nowhere to be found. Just plain rawness.

You are in your own little world, your focus only on her.

You can feel her warmth radiate to your own body and she _intoxicates_ you. At this point you even start to believe that you no longer need alcohol to feel this buzz, to feel this light.

She is taller than you right now when she cups your chin, making you look up at her.

Her green eyes are so bright, even in the darkness of the night. They flutter closed when she leans in, pressing her lips on yours, as if to convince you that it’s okay to leave.

You pull back. “Fine.”

She doesn’t hesitate when she stops a cab. “Where do you live?”

“Why me?”

“Your place is probably closer.” She simply says, letting you stumble into the cab first.

You laugh loudly when you tell your address to the driver. Lexa lands in your lap. Or half in your lap.

You don’t care, you just pull her against you, one of her legs dangling over yours, your lips automatically searching hers eagerly.

You kiss her hard and short, before moving your lips down her sharp jaw, addicted to the feeling of her hot skin under your mouth. You vaguely hear the hitch of her breath, before she starts to gasp.

She moans and you don’t even care that the cab driver can see. When you stop for a moment, glancing at the driver with a half-lidded stare, you notice he is wearing earpods, not seeming to be affected by your horny behaviour.

You grin. Perfect. You tilt your head, moving on to suck down her neck. You can feel her hands on your face, guiding your head back to capture her thick, wet lips.

She gasps into you the moment one of your hands slip under her dress, your fingers grazing over the soft skin, trying to memorize each inch. You’re grateful that the driver can’t see.

She snatches your hand away, sending you a warning glare that only turns you on even more. Her gaze flickers between your eyes and your lips and you want her to look at you like this, _always_.

Your lips are bruised by the time you arrive at your place. You barely notice the car stopping.

Not until Lexa parts from you with surprise on her face. She hands the driver several bills, before dragging you out the yellow vehicle.

The clicking of your heels on the pavement, you can hear her right behind you as you hover near the door.

You reach for the keys in your small handbag, almost unable to do so while Lexa’s lips seem attached to your shoulder, her body pressing into you from behind.

“ _Lexa_. I need to find my keys.” You grumble, gasping when your body reacts to her sucking in your neck. “ _Fuck_.”

“Hmm-hmm.” She breathes in your ear. Your skin tingles fucking everywhere. You tremble, shivers running down your spine as you try to keep yourself composed.

“Stop distracting me, _woman_.” You murmur, closing your eyes as you lean back into her, right in front of the entrance. You can feel her hands squeeze your sides, only to move down, dangerously low near your core.

You can’t help but pant heavily, reaching back with your hands to press her mouth on your shoulder again.

You can clearly hear her moan. You writher in her grip. You don’t know what comes over you when you feel the need to just fuck her against the wall of your building, but you can’t.

You happen to like your reputation around here.

Your body has a mind of its own, though.

You lean your head back on her shoulder, your head tilted to give her access as she sucks on you, eliciting unstoppable moans.

You grind your ass into her. She growls, her teeth sinking into your earlobe, making you hiss in pleasure.

Your hand is up to tangle in her hair, keeping her in place while she shuffles you a bit. Then, she turns you around, firmly planting you against the wall right beside the door.

Her breathing is heavier than yours, her eyes black, her lips swollen. She wets them with her tongue, the look on her face so incredibly _needy_ that you pull her against you.

You meet her lips roughly, your teeth clashing, but you don’t care. You suck her bottom lip between your own, so addicted to the whimper she lets out when you do that.

“Clarke? Is that you?”

Lexa stumbles back instantly, wiping her mouth clean with her hand. You glance aside, seeing Jasper, the boy from the breakfast shop not too far from here. You know that he lives her somewhere, too, but never have you bumped into him before.

He looks at you with wide brown eyes, looking like he is really uncomfortable and yet, he keeps standing there, looking at you, gaping like an idiot.

“Hello, Jasper.” You smile, tugging on your dress, trying to compose yourself in front of the boy.

“Uh, yeah. Goodnight.” He waves awkwardly, before turning around and walking away as fast as he can.

Lexa sends a crooked grin your way, a grin that makes your heart skip a beat. You smirk back at her, realising how bad this must look.

“We should _really_ go inside.” You are finally able to grab your keys, now that Lexa is a few feet away from you.

You can’t help but feel a bit… cold, without her against you.

You tumble into your building, quickly grabbing your phone to text in the groupchat you have with your friends.

 **Clarke** – where are you guys at?

It doesn’t take long for them to reply.

 **Aden** – went home wtihhhh this hot chick

 **Lincoln** – so did i

 **Raven** – Me too

You cackle out a laugh when you drag Lexa into the elevator with you.

 **Clarke** – looks like we’re all gonna have fun tonight xx

The moment you fall into the elevator, Lexa presses you against its back wall. “What’s so funny?”

“Hmm, looks like me and my friends are all just going to have fun tonight.” You giggle, already pulling Lexa closer clumsily after tucking your phone back into your purse.

Lexa leans both hands against the wall beside your head. You look at her for a moment.

“Hmm, is that so?” she bites her plump bottom lip in a seductive way, her eyes locked with yours. You feel frustrated.

You need more touches and you need them _now_.

You tug on her hips, but she remains in her position, hovering right in front of you.

You sigh, your eyes roaming over her body shamelessly. You bite your lips, holding back a moan when you _see_ her.

God.

You cannot remember a time where somebody would turn you on without even trying. Instead of trying to get her to touch you, you just cup her face, smiling when she leans into your touches.

“You’re really beautiful.” You mumble, your gaze lowering to her lips.

The metal box stops moving, _dings_ shortly and the doors slide open.

You lace your fingers with hers when you drag her to your apartment. You are fast to open your door, taking her inside.

“This is a nice place.” She just says, but you turn around.

“No talking necessary.” You breathe heavily when you walk backwards, taking her with you. She smiles at you.

Like actually smiling. Nothing sexual about it, just a beautiful smile from a very beautiful woman and you wonder _why_ your heart flutters at the sight.

You want to take her to the bedroom, but she suddenly shoves you against a wall, her breathing intensifying.

“You drive me _crazy_.” She silently confesses, before leaning in to capture your lips with her own. You instantly moan into her, the feeling of her soft tongue against your own is just too good.

You press your body against hers, locking your hips, your hands roaming over your body. You can feel her hands tucking up your dress, her leg slipping between your own.

Your kiss grows heated quickly, your lips unable to part from her. The way she breathes so heavily in between fucks you up.

You wrap one leg around her hips to just pull her closer, to feel friction where you need it the most.

God, you are so wet already. You have been the moment you saw her at the club. You can feel her hands on your ass.

She suddenly lifts you up, making you yelp in surprise, clinging onto her for dear life while she moves.

She grins mischievously when she sets you down on the small bar. You lean your hands back, holding Lexa close with your legs.

She tugs on your underwear and you lift your ass for her to take it off from underneath the skirt of your dress. You can hear the hitch in her throat when you sit in front of her, all bare and wanting.

Her hands are on your thighs, thumbs digging in your skin. You roll your eyes when she takes all the time in the world to look at you.

“Just _fuck_ me already.” You pull her closer with your hand in her neck, making her bend to kiss you.

You nibble on her lip, feeling her hand teasing you at your entrance. Your legs around her hips, you buck into her while her lips move down to tease you down your neck, nipping everywhere.

You throw your head back, pleasure already building between your legs and she is not even _inside_ of you yet.

You moan when she dips the collar of your dress, sucking on the swell of your breasts.

“Lexa.” You warn her. “ _Fuck_ me.”

You instantly feel fingers inside of you, the intense sensation of feeling her inside you making you stop breathing altogether .

You can feel her hand steady you between your shoulder blades, holding you up while she starts pumping into you, her teeth sinking in the skin of your chest.

You lean on one hand, the other tangling in her hair, pressing her against you with despair.

You roll your hips, meeting her thrusts.

“You’re so fucking _wet_ , Clarke.” She murmurs, licking her way up, back to claim your lips with her own.

You breathe against her. “ _You_ make me wet. I _want_ you so badly right now.”

You kiss her hard, deep. You kiss her with that hunger, desire that has been building in your chest ever since she laid hands on you tonight.

She fucks you hard, just like you need it. You think you see stars, but your vision just blurs the moment you explode.

Your orgasm is intense as you grind into her to ride it out, unable to stop your low moans as the pleasure jolts through your entire body, even after your orgasm.

She looks at you with hunger in her eyes as you move into her with ease, still holding her close.

The moment you finish, you pull her in to crash your lips against hers. You need it. You _love_ it.

You feel how she lifts you again. She certainly is much stronger than she looks.

“Bedroom?” she asks you, while your arms are around her shoulders, your wet cunt pressed against her lower stomach as she carries you.

“First door on the right.” You mumble, leaning down to nuzzle your face in her neck as she walks you.

She throws you on the bed carefully, wanting to straddle you, but you shake your head.

“Off.” You demand, glancing at her dress.

She obliges. You watch her strip. You watch how she exposes herself. You can feel yourself starting to drip the moment she is completely bare in front of you.

“You, too.” She raises one eyebrow, a crooked smile on her face. God, she is sexy.

You are very quick to get rid of whatever clothing you have left, lying on the bed. She crawls on top of you seductively and you wonder how the hell someone is able to mess with your head like this.

You know the answer the moment she makes you come all over again.

\\\

You wake, lying on your right side. Your arm is completely numb, somehow tucked underneath Lexa’s pillow.

She is your small spoon. You grumble something under your breath when you realise that you are holding her tightly against you.

You never cuddle. You’re _not_ a cuddler. Your room is still dark and your head spins, telling you that you haven’t slept long yet.

You feel her move. She _wiggles_ her butt, shuffling further into you.

You ignore the flutter of your heart, you ignore the sudden heat pooling between your legs when you feel her against you.

You hear a content sigh, a hand on yours to pull you closer.

“Lexa.” You just say. You don’t do this. You don’t _cuddle_ people after sex.

“Hmm.” She murmurs, probably half asleep and still drunk, like you.

“We’re cuddling.” You state, as a matter of fact. You can hear another happy sigh. You’re stuck.

She holds your hand against her stomach. Your other arm still trapped underneath her head.

Her body flush against yours and honestly, it is a good feeling. The best, even.

You know you’re not supposed to care, but Lexa is just… soft and feminine and sexy and you don’t mind it at all, yet you are uncomfortable with it. You're conflicted.

You decide to warn her one last time. “Lexa, my arm is killing me.”

“Shut up.” She breathes, but then jolts awake completely.

She instantly flinches, letting you go.

You chuckle.

“Sorry.” You can hear an embarrassed mumble, but you don’t move away entirely. You retract your arm, propping your head up to lean on your palm.

The subtle light of the moon makes you able to see. Her back to you, you trace her tattoo with your fingers, something you have been wanting to do the moment you spotted it on her spine.

“It’s fine.” You whisper, feeling her shudder under your light touches.

“Sleep.” She then murmurs. You can see her tucking her hands under her chin, making you smile.

“No more sex?” you grin, your hand moving dangerously low, but she grumbles something.

“Sleep, Clarke. I’m tired.”

“Fine, fine.” You smile. You turn around completely, lying on your other side. You notice your quickened breath, your heart beating faster than usual.

You have no idea _why_ your body responds like this.

You don't know why the image of a smiling Lexa is on your mind the moment you fall asleep.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please, let me know what you think.
> 
> ps: i did minor research on clarke's job so please feel free to leave tips if you have any kind of experience in the US foster care system. i am not from the USA so it's mostly guessing and research for me


	4. lets call it truce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i completely forgot to update last weekend i am so sorry!!! here is a new chapter for you champs
> 
> sorry its not smut, just a bit fluff and shit

\\\

The second time you wake up, she is cuddling _you_. You can feel her face snuggled in the back of your neck, her arm tightly wrapped around your waist.

The sunlight hits you in the face, hard.

You can feel her bare against your back. You yawn, stretching subtly enough not to wake her.

You already know it’s early, but you also know you won’t be able to sleep anymore.

The headache is dull and subtle, which surprises you with the amount of alcohol you consumed yesterday.

You softly take her hand, not wanting to wake her. You lift it, sliding it away from you.

You can feel her move and you freeze instantly. You can feel her lips on your bare shoulder, pressing a soft kiss there, something that is way too intimate for you right now.

You want to flinch. You want to escape, but you don’t. You freeze instead. You just keep your eyes wide, not quite sure if Lexa is fully awake.

Her hand slips back around you, making you roll your eyes, but a secret smile appears on the corner of your lips.

It’s cute.

But you crave coffee. You crave food. You repeat your actions from before, removing her hand from your bare waist.

You slip out of the bed quietly, quickly grabbing a hoodie and one of your own old soccer shorts.

You tiptoe to the door, quietly opening before escaping to your kitchen.

You let out a sigh of relief, a breath you had no idea you were holding.

You brew some coffee, continuing with your morning routine. You’re hungry, but you don’t order food. You want to wait for Lexa, in case she might be hungry.

You search your cupboards for something edible, finding only a bar of chocolate. That’ll do for now.

You take your mug, opening the doors to your balcony, taking a sip of the hot liquid as you feel the subtle wind in your hair.

Despite the sun shining into your room minutes earlier, the sky is now dangerously grey.

It rarely happens here, but you don’t mind. You smile when you watch the ocean, the almost empty beach around the pier.

Rain must be coming, based on the lack of people there.

You run a hand through your hair when you drop yourself on the chair, staring over the ocean without much thought.

You don’t really know how long you sit there, but suddenly you’re startled when a soft knock sounds on the window of your opened balcony door.

It’s Lexa, announcing her presence, a shy smile toying on her lips as remains in the door opening.

Her hair is curlier than the night before. She has marks in her neck that come from you. She has covered herself in your blankets and you wonder why the hell she didn’t just take some of your hoodies.

“I, uhh…” she seems quite uncomfortable, avoiding to look into your eyes. “Can I borrow some clothes?”

“You don’t have to ask, just check the closet in my room. You can take anything.” You simply say, eyeing her curiously.

She seems just so… _shy_ right now.

She nods, her face smudged with last nights’ make-up, her bright green eyes finally meeting yours. She’s about to turn around when you stop her.

“I wanna order breakfast, want some too?” you grab your phone.

“Uh, sure.” She seems hesitant, her arms clutching onto the blanket wrapped around her. She looks fucking adorable.

You let her scroll through the menu of Jaspers breakfast café.

“Oh, I’ll just have the tuna sandwich.” She hands you back the phone before quickly turning around and basically escaping your balcony.

You chuckle to yourself, ordering two tuna sandwiches.

You walk inside, remembering suddenly that you might want to clean your little bar after last nights’ _unorthodox_ activities. You’re working on that when Lexa suddenly appears in your sight.

She bites her lip, seeming hesitant. You watch her for a moment, walking up to you awkwardly.

She chose your navy Berkeley hoodie with black Nike leggings underneath. You have to hold back the hitch in your throat when you see just how _tight_ those leggings are.

“Coffee?” you finish cleaning the bar, already turning to grab a mug from the cupboard.

“Thank you.” She sits down at the other side of the bar, leaning her chin on her hand as she follows your every movement.

You feel watched, but you don’t mind.

“Better like this?” you ask when you hand her the mug.

“Better than what?” she quirks a brow, wrapping her long fingers around the mug, softly blowing into it.

You lean on the bar. “Better than leaving before the other wakes?”

She throws you a look that makes you chuckle lightly.

“Yeah, it’s better.”

“I’m really sorry about that, Lexa. I just usually don’t…”

“…stay?” she finishes for you, making you nod.

“Yeah.”

“Well, thank you letting me stay. And uh, getting breakfast.” She smiles, but only lightly. It’s barely there.

“You’re welcome.” You stand, a little awkwardly. This is definitely a first for you. Sharing breakfast with the person you just had sex with.

“Are we going to talk about it?” she then asks, her green eyes looking up at you, big and bright.

“About what?” you quirk a brow, not quite sure what she means. She scrapes her throat.

“Well, uh, I am pretty sure that we will see each other…” she motions her hand randomly. “…at your parents, or at Kane’s.”

“Yeah?” you are still waiting for her point.

“It could get awkward.” She scowls, not seeming to be amused.

“Well, we’re adults. We sleep together. No strings attached, we don’t have to be friends or anything.” You roll your eyes. “After all you don’t like me when you’re sober, right?”

She opens her mouth to speak, but takes a sip of the coffee instead. You can tell she is thinking deeply.

“So what, _fuckbuddies_ then?” she almost spits the word, making you cringe.

You _now_ remember why you didn’t like her. You cannot read her, you cannot tell what the hell she is thinking about you and it disturbs you. Usually, you can at least roughly estimate what people are thinking, but when it comes to Lexa… she is just a complete mystery to you.

You sigh in annoyance, making her wince and you are suddenly regretting getting her breakfast.

“It’s _just_ sex, Lexa. If you want to call us fuckbuddies then _sure_ , we are.” You say, walking away from the kitchen to leave her there alone for a second, just… needing a moment without those big green eyes on you.

You grumble something under your breath when you make your way to the bathroom, not sure why it is that it bothers you so much. You calm yourself down, not quite sure why only _she_ seems to be able to annoy this much. You take a few deep breaths to calm your nerves.

When you return, for a moment you think she’s gone, but she has disappeared onto your balcony.

You watch her for a few seconds as she stares into nothing. You really can’t figure her out.

You shake your head to yourself, taking a few deep breaths to keep your calm. You slowly walk up to her, perhaps regretting your words from earlier.

“What did I say wrong?” you ask softly, yet you startle her anyway. She turns, leaning against the railing, crossing her ankles.

“You didn’t say anything wrong.” She speaks, shaking her head, but her lips are pursed.

“Well, _something_ is bothering you.” You narrow your eyes. “Well, I get that I am a pain in the ass sometimes.”

She scoffs, but bites her lips when she realises that you are still looking at her.

“What was that?” you quirk a teasing brow.

“You’re annoying _most_ of the time, Clarke. Not just _sometimes_.” She shakes her head, but you can see the slightest curl playing on the corner of her mouth.

You roll your eyes. “So are you.”

“I know.” She grins now.

“Good. Then we agree on that.” You huff, not sure what to think of her sudden change in attitude.

“Why did you order breakfast for me?” she then says, just when you are about to turn around to get back inside.

“Because I barely have food in the house and I’d feel guilty if you left hungrily.”

“Right.”

You just nod curtly, before moving back inside to slump into your chair, groaning when you realise your headache is getting worse.

She remains outside. It is strange to have her here. You don’t like taking people you have sex with home.

The doorbell rings and you know it’s Jasper. You buzz him in, waiting until he pops up at your front door.

He seems awkward. You remember last night, but you just innocently smile at him while he blushes, silently handing you the brown paper bag with the sandwiches.

“Thanks, Jasper.”

“Yeah.” He waves at you before turning around, leaving the building.

“Is that the guy from last night?” Lexa’s voice sounds, an amused smile on her face.

“Yeah.” You smirk, dropping yourself on your couch. Lexa sits down next to you and it feels weird.

You never eat breakfast with strangers. Or, is Lexa a stranger? Technically she isn’t, but she isn’t your friend either.

 _Weird_.

“You know he has a crush on you right?” Lexa speaks, taking the sandwich that you are handing her.

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” you roll your eyes.

“Perhaps because it’s true?”

“I don’t really see those kind of things.” You laugh, knowing full well how oblivious you can be.

Lexa just nods, starting on her sandwich. “Look, uhm… I don’t usually do this.”

“Stay at your one-night-stand’s place to have breakfast?” you chew in amusement, but she growls.

“No. I meant that I don’t usually sleep around.”

“Oh.” You swallow away the bite, eyeing her while she eats carefully, chewing as if she is thinking deeply about everything. “Look, if you don’t want to do it anymore than we just… don’t.”

“I like the sex.” she quietly admits, shrugging in the process. 

She truly is an enigma. You narrow your eyes, watching her closely, but her face, her features reveal absolutely nothing.

“Okay?” you are thoroughly confused.

“Forget I said anything, okay?” she shakes her head.

“Well, now I can’t.” you groan. “What are you trying to say?”

“I am not good at this, okay? I don’t like you but… you know, the sex is kinda good. But perhaps… we should stop sleeping together.” She suggests, making your heart drop to your gut.

“Okay.” You smile, though.

“I just don’t want things to get… complicated.” She adds, avoiding eye contact.

You watch her profile. You watch her thick lips move as she eats between her words, her long nose, her long eyelashes.

“Things don’t _have_ to be complicated, just so you know.” You grin, hiding everything you’re feeling.

To be honest, you have no idea what it is that you’re feeling. The only thing that you know about your feelings is that you don’t like them, at all.

“Right.” She scrapes her throat, finishing the sandwich faster than you. “I should go.”

You watch her run a hand through her hair nervously as she stands, moving to your bedroom.

You follow her.

You watch her enter, grabbing her dress, wanting to take off her hoodie.

“Just take my clothes home. You don’t have to get back in that dress.” You lean against the doorframe, watching her startle.

“Right.” She says again.

A mystery. It’s a mystery to you what is going through her head.

“Just uh… can I get your number so I can return your clothes?”

“You have my address.” You narrow your eyes, watching her stand in your bedroom, looking a little lost.

“Well, I heard that you tend to work a lot.” She admits, wanting to walk past you.

You take a step back, nodding.

“That is true.” you nod. “Do you have your phone with you?”

She hands it to you and you put your own number in her contacts. You would never do this.

You would never do this to anybody else. You’d rather let them keep the clothes, yet you find yourself giving your number to Lexa.

When you return the phone, the front door bursts open and a flustered looking Aden stumbles inside.

“Whoa, there.” You laugh, instantly moving to support your brother. “Are you still drunk?”

“Yeeeeeee, I migggght.” Aden replies, his hands clutching onto your hoodie to keep himself standing up. “I juuust met the prettiest girl ever.”

“Yeah?” you shoot an apologetic look at Lexa, who just nods in acknowledgement.

“I’ll just go.” The brunette speaks softly.

“Lexa?” Aden looks up, grinning like an idiot when he finally manages to keep his balance. “What are you doing here?”

“I-”

“How was the sex?” your brother instantly asks, making you slap him on the arm.

“Ade. Behave.” You grumble under your breath. “Sorry, Lex, I’ll just take him to his room.”

You watch her eyes widen in surprise.

“What?” you quirk a brow, once again thoroughly confused.

Aden suddenly moves, shoving everything out of the way as he runs into the kitchen, heaving into the sink.

“Nothing, I should go.” The brunette seems unaffected by Aden’s antics, but you walk after your brother to take care of him.

“Sorry about this.” You nod, not really in the mood for small talk anymore. “Aden, please get your shit together.”

“Yeeee, Clarke, go get the girl.” He swats you away, still leaning over the sink.

You groan. When you turn around, you watch how Lexa seems to hesitate to leave.

“What?” you snap, but you regret it the moment you watch her cringe. “Sorry, things are not going exactly smoothly right here.”

You throw a glance at your brother, gagging yourself when you watch him throw up.

Somehow, it makes her laugh.

Somehow, she giggles happily, watching you react to your brother.

“What’s so funny?” you huff in amusement.

“Nothing.” She shakes her head. “I, uh… hate to ask, but do you maybe have some shoes for me to borrow, too?”

“Oh, yeah. What’s your size?”

“Seven.”

“Good.” You have seven, too. You hand her a pair of basic white Nikes.

“Thank you.” She smiles gratefully. “I, uhh, will wash this and return it soon.”

“I won’t miss it. Take your time.” You wave it off. You open the door for her.

She slips through. “Goodluck with your brother.”

“Thanks. Bye, Lexa.”

“Bye, Clarke.” Her gaze is soft when she smiles, turning around to exit the building.

You grunt when you close the door, returning your attention back to your heaving brother.

When he groans, clutching onto his stomach, he turns his attention to you.

“You know, for someone who claims she doesn’t like Lexa, you sure as hell seeeeem to.” He grins annoyingly wide. “And you called her _Lex_.”

“I what?” you shake your head, not believing a word he says.

“You called her _Lex_.” He repeats, but his eyes widen when he returns to the sink. You scrunch up your nose in disgust when you watch him throw up once again.

You rub his back, but you don’t dare to look at him, knowing how sensitive you are to watching people puke.

You grab an older towel, wiping your brothers face clean as he can’t seem to stop grinning.

“What?” you snap again, not amused by him right now. You are not in the mood to play his mother right now.

“Lexa.” He smiles toothily, placing his hands on your shoulders to steady himself. “You like her.”

You roll your eyes. “I _don’t_.”

“You doooooo.” He pokes your cheek annoyingly while you try to help him to his room.

“Okay, what did you drink?”

“Tequila.” He smirks, burping a few times.

“Good.” You nod.

“Why?”

“Tequila makes us both _forget_.”

\\\

You hate to say goodbye to Aden. You cling onto him while standing in the busy airport, watching some people snap pictures because they know who you are.

You don’t care.

You hug him as if your life depends on him, grinning when he lifts you to twirl you around.

He reminds you of your father so much these days. Jake always does the same thing when he hugs you.

“Don’t do anything stupid. I expect you to call me at least twice a week!” you say as he puts you back down, smiling when you ruffle his hair.

“Will do, _ma_.” He smirks, softly tapping your jaw before moving to hug your parents.

You watch as your mother smothers him, how your father beams with pride.

You feel Raven’s hand on your shoulder, the Latina grinning when you try not to cry.

“It’s just a _month_ , Clarke.” She mumbles in your ear, but she seems to be having a bit of trouble herself, too.

“Yeah. Our boy is growing up.” You nod, watching how Aden now moves to hug Lincoln, then Raven.

“Well, I’ll see you in a month.”

“Don’t forget the gala!” Abby exclaims, her arm slipping around her husbands’ waist.

“I won’t, ma. October thirtieth.” He smiles. “Clarke put some reminders in my phone, so I will be there.”

“Good.” Jake nods. “Now go, before you are too late!”

Aden gives you one last hug before grabbing his bag, turning to stand in line for security.

You all watch him disappear. You grip onto Raven, watching your twin leave.

“He’ll be fine, kiddo.” Jake suddenly sounds on your other side, seeming thoroughly amused by your nervous stance.

“But I won’t!” you sigh, laughing when your friends and parents chuckle.

“I know you’ve never been apart from him for so long.” Abby smiles, moving to stand in front of you, cupping your cheek. “That is what I love about the two of you. Ever since you were kids, you were inseparable.”

“Ah, those times.” Jake presses a kiss to his wife’s forehead, making Raven and Lincoln smile, while you lean against the Latina.

“Let’s go home.” Jake offers. “Dinner at our place?”

“Sorry, but I have an appointment this afternoon.” You check your watch. You still have plenty of time to prepare.

“Oh?” Lincoln quirks a curious brow as you all moving to the parking garage. “With whom?”

“That is none of your business.” You laugh.

“Seriously, what kind of appointment?” Abby seems just as curious as Lincoln.

“It’s work related.” You half-lie, rolling your eyes. “Can you just drop me off at home?”

“Of course, kiddo.” Jake grins in amusement, winking at you. You roll your eyes at him.

You enter the garage, slipping in the back of the large car, sitting in the far back, while Raven and Lincoln sit in the middle and your parents in the front.

Your house is not too far from here. You are grateful when you arrive.

“See you, guys.” You want to hop out, but your father stops you.

“How about Dodgers next weekend?” he proposes. “Marcus got us some tickets.”

Your eyes instantly sparkle. “Is he coming?”

“Of course he is. Have you ever seen Marcus skip a Dodgers game?” Jake grins, making Lincoln chuckle.

“Is it Saturday?” you ask, stepping out of the car to talk to your father through his opened window.

You lean your hands on his arm, watching him smile.

“Yes. How about I pick you up at seven so we can grab some hotdogs right before?” he proposes.

“It’s a date.” You grin.

“Sounds perfect, kiddo.”

“I’ll be there.” You say, smiling when you lean into the car to press a kiss against his cheek.

“Bye, guys!” you wave at your friends, watching how your father drives away.

You take your keys, going upstairs to your apartment.

It’s pretty empty, without Aden. You sigh, stepping into your bedroom to change into an oversized t-shirt and simple leggings.

You take soccer shoes to put in your bag, but you put on casual sneakers. You take two bottles of water and some candy, before walking downstairs to your car.

You drive through LA, knowing it’ll probably take about an hour to arrive at Nate’s new foster home.

The weather is good today. You smile when you drive through the city, remembering that you love this place.

Despite it being such a big city, you always love it. It’s always been home to you. You can get lost here, you can feel so alone, but you love it.

You love the feeling it gives you, of being so small in a big city, with millions of different stories.

You smile when you slide the sunglasses on your nose as you drive through the street with many palm trees, already spotting the large house of James and Emily.

You see Nathan sitting on the porch, toying with a soccer ball in his hands. He jumps up the moment he sees your car.

You step out, leaning on your door. You shove the round glasses on top of your head, smiling when James appears right behind Nathan.

“Don’t bring him home too late.” The man smiles, making you nod.

“How about six?”

“Sounds good. Have fun, Nate.”

The boy already runs to your car, making you smile when you watch him climb in the back.

“Call me if you need anything.” You nod to James, before slipping back into your car, watching Nathan buckle up, the ball tight in his hands.

“You ready?” you look at him in your rear view mirror, watching him beam. He nods so hard that you fear his head might fall off, making you grin in amusement.

“Alright, let’s go.” You take him to the park nearby.

He rambles about school, about how one of his teachers is being so sweet to him after what happened. He truly seems unaffected by the whole thing, but you know it bothers him the moment your eyes connect with him in the mirror.

He smiles at you, looking tired but excited at the same time. You wonder how a ten your old kid can end up looking so… grown up.

In this moment, you vow to yourself to do everything in your power to help this kid. To give him the life that he deserves.

You park your car near the park, jumping out, taking your bag. Nathan already runs onto the large grass field, surrounded by palm trees and people spending their Sunday afternoon in the LA sun.

“Alright, lemme just change shoes.” You grin, sitting down. You watch his eyes widen.

“You have soccer shoes?” he sits down beside you, the large ball in his hands.

“I used to play soccer in high school.” You grin, watching him drop his jaw. “Don’t look so surprised.”

“But I won last time.” He laughs.

“Only because I haven’t played in yeaaars.” You groan, tying the laces of your shoes. You glance at him.

He is wearing a complete soccer outfit, jersey and all. Even high socks and soccer shoes. They seem old, but he smiles, clearly not caring at all.

“Can you teach me some tricks?” he tilts his head while you rise, taking the ball he offers.

“Oh, I will have to see what I am still capable of.” You laugh, dropping the ball, only to catch it with your foot. You bounce it a few times, switching between your feet.

It feels good to do this again. You may not be the biggest fan of most sports, but this has always been something you were good at. Your love for baseball outgrows your love for soccer, but you love doing this with Nate.

You twirl around, still holding the ball in the air.

“Go!” you motion, watching him run a bit away, before kicking the ball in his direction.

He smoothly catches it, making you smile. You don’t think you will have to teach him anything.

You end up just practicing holding the ball up, making long passes and you just enjoy your time.

Nathan seems to be in his element. You realise, that besides school, he might not have anyone to play with. It saddens you, but you give him all the time in the world.

You end up playing one small match. You don’t hold back. You win this time.

“Damnit, Clarke.” He laughs, making you look at him sternly.

“Watch your words, Nate.” You grin, dropping yourself on the grass right next to your bag.

You take a bottle of water, handing the boy one as well.

You sit in the shadows of the trees, watching over the park.

“I…” Nate starts talking, but he seems to be at a loss for words. “Do you maybe want to play again sometime?”

“Sure thing.” You nudge his shoulder, making him smile widely. “I am very busy, though, so just text me a few days in advance if you want to play, okay?”

“Yeah.” He nods enthusiastically, sipping from the bottle you handed him earlier.

“How are things going at school?” you ask him, taking your time as you try to recover from the physical activity.

“It’s good.” He smiles. “I am glad I can stay there. My teachers _has_ been nice.”

“ _Have_. That is really good to hear, Nate.” You smile correcting him, grabbing the candy that you took with you. You hand him a few gummy bears, taking some yourself as well.

“Clarke, can I ask you something?” he looks at you, slightly shuffling to face you completely.

You do the same. “Always.”

“Why doesn’t my father love me?” the question is blunt as much as it is innocent.

“I don’t really know your father, Nate.” You think deeply of what to say next. “Some people just aren’t… ready to be parents. It has nothing to do with loving you or not, okay? I think your father loves you very much, but I also think that he is going through a really rough time. Sometimes adults just don’t know what to do anymore, it makes them desperate, doing things they maybe shouldn’t.”

“Why?”

“Because we overthink. We drive ourselves crazy with ‘what if’s’ and I think that some people get really hurt by that. I think some people just… lose themselves, do you know what I mean?”

He shakes his head. You try again.

“Okay, so uh… things happen to people. Things that are out of control, just like what happened to you. You can’t control what happened to you, right?” you make sure he follows you. He nods. “I think that you are very strong, yeah? You let it happen, you accept it. But some people have trouble doing that. Some people don’t understand what is happening and they can’t really deal with it. I think that may have happened to your father. It is not your fault, okay?”

He nods, his lips tugging downwards. He seems sad.

“Nate?” you cup his chin. “Just that your parents aren’t able to take care of you, doesn’t mean they don’t love you, okay? Do you believe me?”

He shakes his head again. Your heart breaks for the boy. “Will you believe me then, when I say that _I_ care about you?”

He nods, smiling lightly. “Yeah. I believe you. You kept your promise. Mom never did.”

Your heart is now just completely shattered. “I will always keep my promises to you, okay? I’ll always be here if you need anything.”

“Why?” his big brown eyes are sparkling, but he seems hesitant.

“Because I care about you, silly.” You grin, pulling him against you in a hug. “Because I don’t want anything bad to happen to you anymore.”

He doesn’t speak when he retracts. “Do you have somebody that you love?”

“What do you mean?” you eye him curiously.

“You know, a partner.” He then grins.

“No.” you huff in amusement, shaking your head with a smile. “No, I don’t. Do you?”

“Well, there is this girl in my class…”

\\\

You are buried in paperwork when you sit in your office, late on a Wednesday night. You have trouble staying awake when you try to arrange things.

It’s hard to do at this hour, since everyone is probably already asleep, so you just finish up writing reports and preparing things for tomorrow.

You move to the lounge to grab some more coffee, keeping you awake.

You are all alone at the office. Everybody has gone home, over three hours ago and yet, you are still here. You feel obligated to work. You feel responsible.

You drop yourself back into your chair, staring outside for a moment. You don’t have the best view, but still, now that the sun has set, you do find yourself enjoying watching outside, the lit buildings slightly mysterious.

Your phone rings. You don’t glance at the screen when you pick up.

“Hello?” you say, sipping on your coffee.

“Clarke? It’s Lexa.” You hear a soft voice. You quirk a brow. “I was wondering if you were home so I could return your clothes.”

“I am at the office.” You mumble, surprised that she calls you. Surprised that she calls you at this hour. “People are usually asleep at this hour and yet, you call me.”

“People are usually asleep at this hour and yet you are at the _office_.” She bounces back instantly, making you roll your eyes. “I was just in the neighbourhood, that is why I called. I can come back another time.”

“You could stop by the office. I am quite busy next coming days.” You opt.

“Like _now_?”

“Yeah. It’s basically on the way from my place to yours.” You shrug.

“What the address?” she asks, her voice lower than before and you wonder why.

You give her the address. You know she’ll be here within twenty minutes or so, so you make sure to be in the lobby downstairs to open the doors for her then.

You’re glancing down the street through the window, watching a dark sedan pull over.

Your eyes are glued to the person stepping out. It’s Lexa.

Her long hair half up in a bun, the other half slightly curled, bouncing around her shoulders.

She is wearing something more professional than what you have seen before – tight dark slacks, boots with heels and a white button up.

Her sleeves are tucked up right underneath her elbows. She is wearing a small plastic bag when she walks, not spotting you yet.

You try to avert your eyes, but you can’t. They are glued to the subtle sway of her hips as she walks. Glued to her tall, proud stance as she finally ends up at the entrance of your building.

You unlock the door for her, wanting to speak, when your phone rings again.

You check who it is, grabbing the phone from the pocket of your tight trousers.

“I have to take this, sorry.” You say apologetically when you see Nate’s name on your screen.

She nods in understanding, her eyes green and following your every movement.

“Hey.” You mumble into the phone with a smile.

“Clarke, I…” you can hear him breathe heavily. “…I can’t sleep.”

“What’s wrong?” you ask softly, turning around for some privacy, but you’re pretty sure that Lexa can still hear you speak.

“I had a nightmare about… I just… I am sorry I called.” He stumbles over his words.

“Hey, don’t ever apologize for calling me, okay? I gave you my number for a reason.” You try to comfort him. “It’s okay.”

You can hear him cry softly on the other end of the line. You let him, just for a while.

“You still there?” he sniffs.

“I am here.” You breathe, your heart aching for the boy. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? Just try to fall asleep and I will hang up when you do, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Goodnight, Nate.” You smile softly, hating that he can’t see.

“Goodnight, Clarke.” He already sounds tired.

You put your mic on mute, but you keep the phone to your ear in case you might hear something.

Lexa looks at you with a surprised look on her face.

“What?” you want to roll your eyes, but she smiles at you.

She smiles and the world lights up. You look back at her, watching how she reaches out to hand you the bag of your clothes.

“Your new lover?” she motions to your phone.

“God, no.” you chuckle softly. “One of my kids. _Foster_ kids, I mean. I gave him my number just in case.”

“Just in case of what?” her smile doesn’t really fade and you find yourself smiling at her, too.

“Just in case he wanted to talk.”

“Do you do that with every foster child?” her eyebrows raise in surprise.

You shake your head. “Rarely.”

“What’s different about this kid?”

“I don’t know. His big puppy eyes, probably.” You smile, hearing a few breaths on the other end of the line. You don’t hang up, not yet.

“Right. Uhm, I’ll leave you to it.” She already turns around, your gaze instantly dropping to her ass.

_Keep it in your fucking pants, Griffin._

You scold yourself.

“Thanks for stopping by.” You say quietly when you hear something shuffle through the phone.

“You shouldn’t work this late, Clarke.” Lexa just says, tucking some hair behind her ear. Her green eyes on you the entire time, she seems… softer than before. As if she changed her mind about something, but you can’t really tell what it is.

“It’s fine, I do it all the time.” You wave it off, smiling when you walk past her to hold the door open for her.

“Take care.” She just nods at you, quickly disappearing outside.

You watch her leave.

You lock the door when she drives away, not able to wipe the smile off your face.

You unmute your mic when you head back upstairs.

You whisper the boys’ name. You smile when you hear a content sigh.

“Goodnight, Nate.” You mumble, almost feeling guilty for hanging up the phone.

You walk back to your office, watching how most of the automatic lights have turned off. The sensor notices you, though, making them switch back on.

You sigh.

In the end, you’re just alone, really. You’re alone now, you’re alone when you’ll get home.

Instead of going home, like you should, you just continue working. You don’t notice yourself drifting off to sleep at some point in the night.

\\\

A poke in your shoulder wakes you.

You jolt up, trying to adjust to the bright light in your office.

Lincoln is sitting on your desk, right beside you, looking at you with a worried look on your face.

“Please don’t tell me you have been staying here all night.” He shakes his head, already knowing that you did. “Go home, Clarke. Shower. Rest.”

“I’m fine.” You shake your head, trying to fix your hair. You tuck it in a bun. You can't help a sinking feeling in your stomach. You have no idea where it's coming from. Perhaps from yesterday's realisation that you are just alone.

“Go home.” He says sternly, not believing a word you’re saying.

You sigh, leaning your chin on your hands.

“Is it because Aden is gone?” he smiles in amusement, but you shake your head. You don't even know what it is. 

It’s not even that. Even with Aden at home, you know you feel this… slight emptiness.

A void that you can’t explain. A void you have only been noticing the past couple of weeks and you have no idea where it came from all the sudden.

“Then what is it?” he softly urges you to talk to him, but you shake your head once again. You don't want to talk about. You don't want to admit that you may actually not be fine.

“I don’t know, Linc.” You grab your things. “I have a few appointments today.”

“Give them to me.”

“No.” you shake your head. “I want to see them for myself.”

“Fine. But don’t you dare come back to this office today.” He rises from your desk.

“Yes, _dad_.” You roll your eyes, but you smile when he extends his arms.

You give him a short hug, quietly enjoying the affection.

“How are things with Octavia?” you change the subject, smiling when Lincoln walks you out.

Lincoln, having met Lexa’s friend last Saturday. He slept with her, but you can tell that he cares.

You watch a blush creep up his cheeks, knowing that he is flustered the moment you bring her up.

“Fine.” He smiles. “We’re… talking.”

“Just remember she can get violent.” You motion to your nose, making yourself and Lincoln giggle softly.

“She told me she felt really bad about that.” He chuckles.

“Tell her it's fine, but if she does it again, I _will_ get mad next time!” you laugh, pressing a kiss on Lincoln’s cheek before disappearing outside, stepping into your car. The smile on your face instantly fades.

You sigh, grabbing your work phone, checking your appointments.

You’re tired. Like, really fucking tired.

What would be the harm in cancelling your appointments for the day? You don’t start your car, instead, you call the people, telling them you can’t make it today.

You instantly reschedule with each and every one of them, sighing when you finally make your way home.

You don’t know when you started crying, but you just do. You park your car, fleeing upstairs.

You tuck yourself in comfortable clothes.

You call Raven, not able to hold back tears the moment you hear her worried voice.

She instantly leaves her work to join you at home, where you are sitting on your couch, unable to stop the waterfall of tears escaping your eyes.

You clutch onto her. She rocks you against her. She tries to shush you, but you can’t seem to stop crying.

“Clarke.” Raven speaks softly, cupping your chin, making you look into her dark eyes. “Where is this coming from?”

“I don’t know.” You sob, shaking your head. “I was fine this morning.”

“Lincoln texted me that you fell asleep at the office.” She sounds stern, eyeing you in a way that tells you she doesn’t approve.

“I do it all the time.” You roll your eyes, but you sniffle a few times, trying to fix your clogged nose.

“Exactly.” Raven purses her lips, her hands on your cheeks. “It’s not healthy, Clarke.”

“But those kids need m-”

“Cut the crap. You’re hiding.” Your friend is really stern and you hate it. You hate that she can read you. “What are you hiding from?”

“I don’t know.” You shrug, finally able to hold yourself together. You press yourself further into Raven’s side, letting her hold you.

“I know you care about those kids, Clarke. I know you’d work every day for them, but don’t tell me you are sleeping at the office just because you care about them.”

“I don’t know.” You repeat the words. You honestly don’t know. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Nothing is _wrong_ with you, Griff.” Raven gently scratches your scalp with her fingers, soothing you. “You’re just going through a rough time.”

“It’s nothing.” You shake your head.

“It’s been years since you’ve cried like this. It’s not nothing.” Raven shakes her head.

You sit up, almost afraid to face her.

“You should take care of yourself, Clarke.” Your best friend looks at you, worry written on her features. “I know you give everything for that job. I know you give everything for everyone else, but just… love yourself a bit, too, okay?”

You scoff. “I love myself.”

“No, you don’t. You don’t think yourself worthy of love. You don’t think yourself worthy of growing up with such privileged family, wealthy family. You always think you don’t deserve these things, but you do, Clarke.”

It’s strange, really. It is strange to see Raven so incredibly serious, worried about you. You don’t believe her, though.

“Clarke.” She knows. She knows that you don’t believe her. “Look at me.”

You do. Your blue eyes search those familiar dark eyes. Those eyes that have been there for years. Despite being an idiot most of the time, Raven has always been there for you.

“You are worth everything.” The Latina murmurs, her hands still on your face. “I know you don’t see it, but I do. Hell, we all do. We watch you work your ass off, we watch you trying to be happy, but it’s a mask. I know it, Aden knows it and I think your parents and Lincoln know, too.”

“You are worth it too, you know.” You bounce back. Your arms snake around her waist and you hold her close.

You love Raven. You love her. She is your family.

“I _know_ I am worthy.” She chuckles. “But you don’t.”

“I…” you open your mouth to speak, but you lack the words. You know she’s right. “I can’t help it.”

“You’re selfless, Clarke. It may not always show, but you are. It’s going to break you.”

“Like today?” you laugh, wiping your cheeks clean, nuzzling your face in Raven’s neck.

“Yeah, but perhaps even worse in the future.”

You think of love. You think about that. You don’t think you have ever been in love. You don’t think you have ever experienced those things that people talk about all the time.

You can feel yourself dozing off.

You don’t wonder _why_ Lexa pops up in your mind, right before you fall asleep.

\\\

You wake up to a smell so delicious, you instantly moan. You smell spicy food, realising you are lying on your own couch.

You shoot up, watching how Raven moves in your kitchen.

“Thank god for your Mexican genes.” You laugh, yawning when you stand up. You watch Raven grin at you, how she is making taco’s. “How long have I been asleep?”

“About seven hours.” The Latina smiles. Your eyes widen.

“Wow.”

“You seemed pretty tired.” She laughs. “I let you sleep on me, until you started drooling all over my tits.”

“I did not.”

“Did too!”

“I don’t drool in my sleep.” You offer weakly, chuckling when Raven wiggles her eyebrows.

“What can I say, my boobs are irresistible.” She lifts her chest, perking her chest.

You laugh when you sit down at your bar, watching your best friend move through your kitchen.

She puts a plate in front of you, when your phone rings. It’s somewhere in your bag on the dresser, so you hurry to grab it.

It’s Aden.

“Aden!” you yell into the phone, but you put it on speaker.

“Hey, Clarke!” you can hear your brother’s voice.

“How are things there?” you settle back at the bar, letting Raven listen along.

“It’s going great! It’s amazing here, I love everyone. This is going so well, god, I wish you could be here!” he exclaims.

You are happy for him. You smile at your best friend, who grabs the finished taco’s, only to sit right next to you while you start eating, listening to Aden’s stories.

“How is it going over there?” Aden then asks.

“Good, Raven has cooked for me today.” You laugh.

“Already replaced me, huh?” your twin huffs, making you and Raven laugh.

“Of course she did.” The Latina laughs, taking a bite from her own food.

“I miss you guys.” Aden falls silent for a moment. “But, three and a half weeks to go!”

“Yes!”

“Clarke, do you have an outfit yet for the gala?” your brother then asks.

“Nope.”

“You, Raven?” Aden continues.

“Look, you don’t have to fool me, I know it’s for your parents' _anniversary_.” Raven rolls her eyes, making you choke on your bite.

“You remember?” Aden seems surprised.

“Of course I do. How long have I been part of your little Griffin Clan?” she rolls her eyes again, making you laugh.

“So much for the surprise.” You chuckle, leaning your elbow on the bar as you watch how Raven’s eyes twinkle with amusement.

“Anyway, the reason I asked is because I received the invitation here.” He keeps on talking. “It says our outfits have to be in black and white.”

“Yeah? Just wear a tux, Ade.” You know he isn’t too good at things like this.

“I was thinking about matching.” He suggestively says. “I want to go in a white tux, how about you go in white as well?”

“White dress?” Raven asks.

“No, the four of us. White tuxes.” You can almost hear him grin through the phone.

“Lincoln, too?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” you wonder why he would suggest such a thing.

“I don’t know. Thought it’d be fun to just… match all together.”

“So you want all of us to wear white tuxes.” Raven repeats, thinking deeply.

“Yes! I know this tailor in Hollywood, he makes suits for women, too. How about we go there so he can just make tuxes for all of us?”

“I cannot afford a tailor, Ade.” You mumble.

“I can.”

“You are not paying for my outfit!” you refuse to let him pay.

“Clarke. Let me do this.”

“She’ll take it!” Raven answers before you can, making you swat her arm.

“I’ll send you the details. His name is Monty.” Aden laughs, already knowing that you will probably refuse anyway. “Just take her before she says no, Rae.”

“I will. Good plan, Ade. When are you going to get your tux made, then?”

“Well, I was thinking we could all go next week. I can fly back for the weekend so Monty can take our measurements and we can all decide what we want.” Aden proposes.

You open your mouth to fight him again, but Raven’s hand covers it. You lick it, but Raven does not cave.

“Just text us the details! You make an appointment with this Monty dude, okay?”

You fight Raven, but she’s stronger than you.

“Yes. Don’t tell dad and ma!” Aden yells through the phone. You finally get rid of Raven’s hand on your mouth.

“Ade, you don’t have to do this.” You shake your head.

“I want to. See it as a late birthday gift, Clarke.” He laughs. “I gotta go. I’ll call you soon, okay?”

“Take care, Aden.” Raven laughs, hanging up the phone before you can say more.

“Rae.” You grunt.

“Clarke.” She grunts right back at you. “Just let him do this. He has plenty of money and those suits probably won’t be _that_ expensive. Plus, Aden gets to visit in a week and a half!”

You haven’t thought about that. You didn’t expect to see your brother sooner, but it cracks a smile on your face.

“See? Easy.” The Latina grins. “Now, where were we?”

“You were telling who the mystery girl was that you slept with last Saturday.” You randomly bring up, making Raven stop in her motions.

“What?”

“I texted. You all replied that you were going home with random hot chicks. I know Aden’s was Ontari, Lincoln went home with Octavia and I took Lexa. But who’s your mystery girl?” you grin, making her clearly uncomfortable.

Usually, when Raven has a one-night-stand, she brags about it. But this time, you knew that she was with a girl and she never spoke one word about it.

“She must be pretty special.” You smile when brown eyes meet yours.

“It was Lexa’s friend.” She scrapes her throat.

“What?” you’re confused.

“Lexa’s friend, Anya.” She continues and you glance at her in surprise.

“Who the hell is Anya?” you narrow your eyes.

“Anya is best friends with Octavia and Lexa. I uh… may have bumped into her the first night you slept with Lexa and kissed her but nothing really happened but uh… well, I might have gotten her number and she might have shown up last Saturday.” Raven blushes.

“Are you blushing right now, for real?” you laugh. “I want to meet this Anya. Nobody has ever made you this flustered.”

“Shut up, Clarke.”

“Oh, you _love_ me.”

“Shut it!”

\\\

You almost forget the game on Saturday. You are grateful that you remember in time, quickly putting on dark jeans, comfortable sneakers and your favourite white Dodgers jersey.

You hesitate, wondering if you should take your worn out blue baseball cap. You decide against it, putting your hair in a bun instead.

You take your round sunglasses, ready to go.

You are too early, though. You step out onto your balcony, smiling when you watch the pier filled with people on an early Saturday night.

You watch the street in the other direction, grinning when you spot your father’s expensive Jaguar.

You take your things, running down, only to smoothly climb next to your father in his car.

He wears the same jersey you do, topped with a blue baseball cap. He grins widely, leaning in for a small kiss on your cheek.

“Hey, kid. You ready?”

“Yes!” you are excited. It’s been a while since you, your father and Marcus went to a game together. “Ready and very, very hungry.”

“Good. We’re meeting Marcus and Lexa at the stadium after the hotdogs.” He grins, starting to drive, but your smile falters.

“Lexa?” you eye your father suspiciously.

“Oh, yeah, right, I forgot to mention. Marcus invited Lexa, too.” He can’t wipe the grin from his face and for a short moment, it annoys you.

But you soften, the moment you spot your fathers sparkling eyes behind his sunglasses.

“I know you and Lexa don’t really get along, but Marcus and I thought this might be good for the two of you.” He continues.

“Dad. We are not in _elementary_ school.” You roll your eyes, shoving the sunglasses further op your nose when you feel them slide down.

“I know, Clarke.” He laughs. “But I also know that we are inviting Lexa to more things, you know. She’s Marcus’ kid. You can at least try to act… civil.”

You scoff again. “As if I haven’t done that before.”

“You have, but just… there is this weird tension between the two of you. Lexa is really nice, once you get to know her a bit.” Jake tries.

“I know.” You give up the fight. Maybe he is right.

You realise in this moment that you know _nothing_ about Lexa. You don’t even know what kind of work she does. You don’t know why she moved away from LA, only to return years later. You don’t know how close she is with Marcus, or what exactly happened to her parents.

You find yourself wanting to know.

“It’ll be fine. I can play nice.” You grin then.

“That’s my girl.” Your father laughs, turning up the radio when a familiar song plays.

You and your father both sing along loudly, no shame. The windows rolled down, you feel the warm wind in your face as your father drives through the city, on your way to the hotdog stand near the stadium.

It doesn’t take too long for you to arrive, and if you are being completely honest with yourself, you are nervous.

You are and you have no idea why. You smile though, when your father drags you out of his car, on his way to buy you hotdogs.

It just is a thing. He always buys you hotdogs when you are going to a game, it just tradition.

You and your father are the only two to love this game in your family, with the exception of Marcus and now Lexa, too.

Marcus however, wasn’t really there when you were young, so it was always just you and your dad. You never minded when Marcus started coming along, though.

You eat eagerly, more hungry than you thought you were.

“How’s life without Ade?” Jake then asks, his mouth full as he chews.

His cap is skewed, you tuck it back right again, making him grin childishly.

“Boring.” You admit. “But I am getting used to living alone.”

“Yeah. Ever since you and Ade were kids you were inseparable. We had a huge house and so many bedrooms, yet, the two of you insisted on having a room together.” He chuckles. “You were such cute kids.”

You laugh with him. “Yeah.”

A comfortable silence falls between you two. You realise that it has been a long time that you have done something like this with your father, and Marcus, too.

“Dad, can I ask you something?” you glance at your father, who now slides his sunglasses atop his baseball cap, clearly curious as to what you might ask.

“Of course, baby.” He smiles. His blue eyes are warm and kind and you smile back at him.

“Do you think that I work too much?” you finish your hotdog, wiping your mouth with the paper napkin before throwing it in the garbage bin near the stand.

Your father does the same while he seems to think of an answer.

“Well, you might.” He then says, slinging his arm around your shoulders while he guides you back to the car. “Working hard is healthy, Clarke, but if it is too much you might consider taking it a notch down. Why?”

“Just… asking.”

He stops you for a moment, his large hand cupping your chin gently when his eyes search yours. “Doesn’t mean I don’t worry about you.”

“Why would you worry about me?” you narrow your eyes when your father presses you against him in a tight hug, his chin atop your head. Your arms snake around his waist.

“You might be a grown up, Clarke, but you’ll always be my girl. I can tell that you… you have been different the past couple of years. Ever since you graduated from Berkeley, really.” His voice is soft and for a moment, you just enjoy his grip around you.

You miss your dad sometimes. You hate that you don’t get to see him more often.

“Changed how?” you ask him, finally glancing up.

“I’ve always had the feeling that you never really enjoyed your job, Clarke. I know you give a lot to those kids in need, but it takes a toll on you. I can see you are trying to hide that. That is what I mean.” He smiles, but there is a worried look in his blue eyes.

You almost roll your eyes. It sounds familiar. Perhaps you should listen. Perhaps you should take care of yourself for once.

“Clarke, I love you for it. It makes you beautiful, okay?” he continues, making you smile. “I love that you are different from us, how much you care, but just… don’t overdo it, okay? Remind yourself to just enjoy life, too.”

“I am doing that right now.” You smile. “I’m going to a game with you.”

“I know.” He smiles, finally letting you go, before pushing you back into his car, only to drive the last five minutes to the stadium.

You sing along to another song, parking the car somewhere near the entrance.

You are way too early, but you think you spot Marcus already standing near the entrance, talking to a tall brunette that is all too familiar for you.

You wonder if Kane knows that you have been seeing Lexa. Your father doesn’t. Unless Aden, Raven or Lincoln told him.

You decide to just play it nice. You have no idea how to feel about all this, so you wave excitedly, hopping to the man you consider your uncle, pressing a kiss on his bearded cheek.

“Clarke! Jake! Hey!” Marcus seems just as happy as Jake as the two men hug shortly.

You just nod at Lexa, who seems surprised to see you here. You take a moment to look at her.

She is wearing a blue jersey, light jeans. Her long hair is loose, covered by the same baseball cap your father is wearing.

She looks adorable, but her chin is up high in pride when she acknowledges you with a curt nod.

Great.

She doesn’t seem to like seeing you, and you have no idea why. When she stopped by your office a few days ago, you thought that she might have softened up to you.

 _Clearly_ you were wrong.

You chat a bit with Marcus, falling into step beside him as you enter the stadium, on your way up to find your seats.

You have the best view over the field as Marcus slides in the row first, followed by you and Lexa, your father sitting at the aisle.

You keep chatting with Kane, ignoring the brunette beside you. If she is being stoic, so can you.

You ask him about his work. He works as an engineer for this well-known company. He in return, asks you about yours.

You smile when you talk about your job, telling him some things, shortly telling him about your new case with Nate. You don't mention the boys name because of the privacy rules, but you smile when you think back of your time with the kid.

The stadium slowly fills with more people and you hear your father talk to Lexa softly. You can’t make out the words, but you are glad that your father is just the nicest guy ever.

You grin when you ask Kane about his dating life, watching him blush as he admits he might be seeing a woman. You tease him about it a little, earning you curious glances from both your father and Lexa.

Kane then leans in. “Don’t tell Lexa yet, I haven’t told her.”

You nod, grinning in amusement. It is not often that you see your father’s best friend is blushing like that.

The game starts, making the four of you rise from your seats, cheering loudly. You place a few fingers in your mouth to whistle loudly, jumping a few times with Kane.

Lexa looks at you for a few moments, before doing the same. She offers a grin and you return it.

She leans in, surprising you. “Truce?”

You can feel her breath tickle your neck and you try to ignore the shiver it sends down your spine. You nod.

The smile on her face is worth it. You focus on the game, watching how they start.

You scream, throw your arms around Marcus’ and Lexa’s shoulder in enthusiasm when they score a homerun.

You fall into Lexa’s arms when they are ahead just when the break starts, completely in your element.

You miss how Marcus and Jake exchange knowing grins, but the men don’t really speak up about it.

Marcus and Jake disappear during the break to grab some drinks and food, leaving you and Lexa alone, high in the stadium. The sun is already starting to lower over the city and you actually enjoy Lexa’s company.

She doesn’t speak much, but she smiles each time you look her way. Her smiles are genuine and it honestly surprises you to find her looking at you like that.

You wonder what it means. She stopped hating you?

Secretly, you hope so. Secretly, you find yourself not hating her, either.

“So, what kind of work do you do?” you offer a simple chat.

“I’m a teacher.”

 _Oh_.

This is not something you expected from her. You glance at her, watching how she tugs on her cap to place it firmer on her head. You feel the need to tuck her hair behind that tiny ear of hers.

You watch her profile as she stares over the field, the tiniest smile curving her pink lips.

Her nose is regal and cute and you wish she’d look at you directly, just so you could look into those green orbs again.

“What do you teach?”

“English, middle school.” She finally turns to look at you.

“Why?”

“I have always wanted to teach, honestly. Kids around those age are fragile, Clarke. They are just starting to discover who they are and I want to be there to guide them through that, for as much as I can.” She shrugs, as if it’s nothing.

Yet, you find yourself smiling. Yet, you find it almost endearing that she chose this line of work instead of being a fancy lawyer (which you totally see her do, bossing around in court).

“I can understand that.” You nod, feeling how your shoulders touch.

“You work with Lincoln, right?” she continues, her voice louder now the crowd is growing again.

“Yes.”

“Why did you choose your line of work?”

“Almost the same reason as you.” you cannot find it in yourself to look away from her. The sun shines in her face, in her eyes and god, her eyes are just… so fucking green. So fucking open, honest, like you have never seen before. “I guess I always wanted to help. I am so privileged with my parents and at some point I realised that not everyone has a childhood like that. I just want to help where I can.”

You think you see her eyes soften when they look at you. You watch her gaze flicker to your lips for a moment, before moving back up.

She is closer than she was before.

She leans in. For a moment there, you _panic_.

You panic, because you think she is about to kiss you, but she tilts her head to speak near your ear.

“I admire you for that, Clarke.” She speaks loudly, before pulling back with a smile.

You realise that she leaned in because music started playing, because the noise is too loud to speak normally.

You just nod at her, not really knowing what else to say to her.

Why on earth did you _panic_? You remove your gaze from her, finally able to look away. You purse your lips, hating how your heart is beating rapidly behind your ribcage.

You do not like this feeling, whatever it may be. Are you so in awe of her beauty that your body responds so heavily to her?

You have no idea.

You put your feelings away, smiling when you watch Lexa stand and cheer when the Dodgers return to the field.

Your eyes instantly lower to her ass, right beside you.

Fuck.

You tear your eyes away, noticing how your dad and Marcus return. Marcus slips in front of you, back into his seat, handing you a drink and another hotdog.

You grin, starting to eat while the Dodgers start playing again. You enjoy every moment.

You enjoy how Marcus and Jake are just as childish as you and Lexa when they score. You love how it feels so natural.

You wrap your arms around Lexa when they win. You don’t realise you are doing it, not until she hesitates to reciprocate your hug, making you pull back before her arms are even around you.

You grin sheepishly, making her laugh a little. You hug Kane, too.

You watch how Jake even leans in to grab the brunette in a tight embrace, making you smile when your father winks at you in the process.

You feel… light hearted. Relieved, for some strange reason. You can’t figure out why. Right now there are just so many unasked questions to which you don’t know the answer. Considering feelings and things, something you just… suck at.

You silently make your way out of the stadium, following the three chatting people ahead of you.

You watch how Lexa laughs at something your dad says. You watch how Kane grins, slipping his arm around her shoulder.

You watch how she leans into it, clearly feeling at ease with her ex-guardian. It only makes you smile.

You watch how Lexa and Marcus hug Jake goodbye in the parking lot, before turning to you.

You hug Kane, too. You feel him press a kiss on your cheek, how he taps your nose teasingly.

“I had fun, kid.” He grins, plucking his beard before high-fiving your father.

“Me, too.” You smile, turning to Lexa.

You hesitate this time.

It’s your father, who just pushes Lexa into your arms. You catch her, laughing when you feel her arms slip around your waist, yours around her shoulders.

You hold her a little longer than necessary.

You try to ignore your heart thrumming in your chest rapidly.

You have no idea why it feels so fucking _good_ to have her against you. You smile when she pulls back, her cap falling behind you the moment you separate.

You turn around to pick it up, placing it backwards on her head with a mischievous grin, making her look incredibly cute. She mutters a quiet _thanks_ , before she and Marcus disappear into their car.

Your father makes his way to your side, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. “Told you she wasn’t that bad.”

“Wipe that smug smile from your face, dad.” You groan without even looking at him, making your father laugh heartedly.

“You are so much like your mother sometimes.” He giggles, tugging on your elbow to guide you back to his car.

You laugh now, too. “You’re an idiot.”

“Whatever, Clarke.” He grins at you, a knowing look in his eyes.

“Just take me home.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the love, guys! Didn't expect so many kudo's and comments already :D  
> Feel free to leave more !


	5. friends with benefits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes another update. sorry, but there is no smut in this chapter!!
> 
> just remember, nobody dies in this fic.

\\\

You fly into Aden’s arms the moment he steps through the doors of the airport. He catches you, laughing when he almost stumbles back.

“Adeeeeey!” you laugh, having missed him so much. You press a kiss on his cheek when he releases you.

He looks good. Even though it’s only been like two weeks since you’ve seen him, it feels like forever.

He only came here to prepare for your parents’ anniversary.

You watch him look around, pouting when he realises that you are the only one here.

“Where’s Raven and Linc?” he pouts further, making you smack him on the arm.

“There was a time when I was enough for you!” you warn him, laughing when he chuckles jokingly, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. With his free hand, he takes the suitcase with him as you guide him to your car.

“So how is it going so far? Still on schedule?” you are interested in his life as an actor.

“We are two days behind, nothing bad. I left anyway.” He grins. “I cannot say that I didn’t miss you over there.”

“Good. I missed you, too.” You laugh, opening the trunk for him to throw his suitcase in.

“I know.” He winks, laughing loudly when he steps into the passenger seat. You close the trunk, moving to sit behind the wheel.

“So you’re flying back tomorrow night?” you ask, starting the engine to drive you to your apartment.

“Yes. We should head to Monty’s in time, he reserved the entire afternoon for us.” He checks his watch.

It’s late in the morning. You have accepted that Aden wants to gift you this… tux. You have fought him several times when he would call, but the moment you face timed and he pulled his puppy eyes and big pout on you, you caved. Fool that you are sometimes, falling for something like that.

“So, did you have in mind what kind of tux you want yet?” Aden asks.

“I wasn’t even sure if I should do a tux. I mean, isn’t that like… too gay for girls?”

“Are you kidding me? Clarke, suits on girls are…” he smacks his lips, laughing when you throw him a glare. “I am sure you will be fine. Raven, too.”

“You’re right.” you try to imagine Raven in a suit, and you are pretty sure that it would look amazing on your best friend. “I was thinking something cool, though. How about we make them white, with just the subtlest hints of black? Like the handkerchief in the upper pocket, maybe stripes on the sides of the slacks to you know… look cool?”

“Sounds good.” He grins, drumming his fingers on his knees as he sits beside you. “How is Lexa?”

“Uh, fine I think?” you feel taken aback by the sudden question.

“Dad told me that she went with you and Marcus to the game last week.” He laughs when he notices how uncomfortable you are.

“We are having a truce, Ade. Nothing special happened.” You roll your eyes as you lean one hand on the wheel, the other hanging out the window to feel the warm wind.

“Sure.” He sounds like he doesn’t believe you, but drops it anyway.

You are grateful for it. He dumps his suitcase at your apartment and changes into something more comfortable, before you drive to pick up Lincoln and Raven at their apartments, before taxiing them to the tailor in Hollywood.

A skinny, Asian boy pops up, smiling instantly when he recognizes Aden.

“Monty!” you watch your brother hug the young man, smiling when he introduces himself to the rest of you.

“I’m Monty, welcome to my shop.” He smiles proudly. “Aden has been going on about you forever, about time I meet you.”

You let out a small laugh. “It’s good to meet you, Monty.”

“So, I heard you were all looking for matching outfits?” he motions his hand, taking the four of you to the back of the shop, where you find several changing rooms and a few places to take measurements with large mirrors.

“Take a seat.” He points to a few chairs, already rummaging through some of the fabrics he has. “Aden told me you all wanted to go in white?”

“Yeah, maybe broken white?” Raven opts, making Monty nod.

“How about this?” he hands you a fabric. It is pretty shiny, you have no idea what it is, but it feels nice. It is not too heavy.

“It’s pretty.” You nod, watching how your friends nod, too.

“I may have another one, if you like the shiny part.” Monty grins, handing another kind of fabric.

It’s shinier, but a little more sturdy. It feels better than the other one.

“I prefer this one.” Lincoln grins, making the rest of you nod.

“Good. It’s one of the most popular fabrics used for tuxedo’s.” Monty continues to explain with a big smile.

He is endearing. He seems to love his job and you find yourself smiling at the man several times.

“Okay, how about I take your measurements and then we talk about your wishes? Do you all want the exact same thing, or do you want the same style, but various details?”

“The latter.” You say, before anyone else speaks up.

“I agree.” Raven fist bumps you, making you grin in amusement.

“Who wants to go first?” Monty looks between you.

“I’ll go.” Lincoln already rises from his seat.

“So, to get the perfect measurements, could you take off your shirt? No need to take off your pants, though.” Monty smiles.

“Oh, they’ve seen worse.” Lincoln laugh, making the rest of you laugh as well.

Monty grins in amusement, making Lincoln strip in one of the changing rooms.

“Don’t worry, this back room is private.” He smiles when Lincoln steps in front of the mirror shirtless, his jeans loosely around his muscled waist.

Monty instantly moves to take his measurements, walking around the large man.

“How about we all get the same jacket, but like, the rest varies?” you suddenly think with a grin. “Like I know Raven is a sucker for flared slacks, but I like it tight.”

“Sounds good.” Monty nods. “I have the next two weeks to make it all, so feel free to give me the details for the design.”

“Flared slacks is actually really good.” Raven grins, leaning against you.

“Okay, so what about the jacket?” Monty continues. “So the basic is white, how about I make thin lapels, black to make it playful? Along with black jetted pockets?”

You glance at Monty. “White handkerchief to contrast the chest pocket?”

“Sounds good.”

“Okay. Lincoln, how would you like the fit?” Monty writes it all down. “Tight or looser fit?”

Lincoln seems helpless, looking at the rest of you.

“Tight. Show some waistline.” You say without a doubt. “To show off that body of yours.”

“Yup.” Raven nods, agreeing with you.

Monty continues to write down what else Lincoln wants. The darker guy is going for black, tight trousers with velvet black stripes on the side down. White shirt with black cummerbund and a black bowtie with white dots, the shoes shiny black.

Aden is next. He chooses white trousers with black stripes, but also a black cummerbund, black shoes and a black bowtie.

Monty sweetly asks if you and Raven would rather have a woman take you measurements, but the both of you shake your head. Monty seems like a professional.

Raven chooses all white. The only black she will be wearing will be her stiletto’s and the black in the jacket.

“It is just an idea, but I think it would look good on both of you…” Monty motions between you and Raven. “Don’t wear anything underneath the jacket. I could make sure that the lower part of the front…” he moves to grab a random suit jacket to throw it on Raven’s torso. “…be completely closed up.”

Raven stands, only wearing a tanktop and bra underneath. Her chest is partly exposed in the deep v-cut of the jacket, the swells of her breasts visible. It looks hot.

She can totally pull it off, but she pouts. “I wanted to wear a bowtie.”

“Rae, you look hot.” You and Aden wolf whistle, making Raven look in the mirror to see what it would be like to just wear only a jacket.

“I have some special tape for your breasts. It’s very popular among celebrities.” Monty laughs when Raven tugs on her bra, glancing at herself. “This way you don’t have to worry about your bra.”

“Sounds good.” You grin.

Raven goes with it. As Monty takes her measurements, Raven explains how she wants those flared slacks, all white, no stripes. She picks out ridiculously high stiletto’s, making you grin in the process.

You are last.

Monty smoothly takes your sizes, smiling when he asks you what you wish for the rest of your outfit.

“I also want nothing underneath.” You grin. “If that would be possible with you know…” you motion at your chest.

“…her rack.” Raven snickers from the seat and you throw her a glare.

Aden and Lincoln obviously try to hold back their chuckles.

“…my _breasts_.” You grunt, correcting your best friend, making Monty laugh as well. You are glad that you feel comfortable around the guy.

“I think it’d be perfect for that, Clarke.” Monty grins. “I’ve tailored a lot of women. I have experience.”

“Good.” Raven grins.

“So, what do you wish for the rest of your outfit?” Monty continues to measure your hips, your legs.

“White tight slacks. Black stripes, just like Aden.” You grin, winking at your brother. “But not too tight, I want to be able to see that crease.”

“Noted.” Monty takes more notes, before letting you pick out matching heels.

You go for similar stiletto’s, only with red soles, while Raven’s are all black.

They are high and you know you will have to practice a bit before getting comfortable.

The moment you are all finished, Monty proposes to fit two days before the gala.

“If there are any minor adjustments to be made, I can just do it before the gala.” He smiles when Aden moves to pay for the shoes and bowties, the only things you are taking with you.

You can’t help but feel excited. This is going to be so much fun.

“One last thing, Monty.” Lincoln suddenly cuts in while Aden swipes his card. “Do you have masks?”

“It’s a masquerade ball.” You explain, watching the smile on Monty’s face grow.

“No, I don’t have masks. There is a place down the street that does, though.” He points to the left. “About fifty yards that way. Should be on your left.”

“Let’s go!”

You happily chat with the four of you, so happy to be together again. You realise that you start enjoying their company more and more every time you meet.

The moment you enter the store, you are met with maybe a thousand masks, your jaw dropping.

“Wow.” Raven breathes.

You make your way around the store, until a kind, pretty lady in her forties asks the four of you what you are looking for.

She guides you to the simpler masks, instead of the colourful ones, since you have announced it is for a masquerade ball.

“I have special masks for that occasion.” She smiles happily, showing a complete wall with masks.

She turns to you first. “What would you like?”

“White mask. Nothing too much.” You shrug, not really sure if you should go with white or black, really.

“I have this.” She hands you a white mask. It is simple, but one cheek dips lower than the other, probably going to cover your face to the right corner of your mouth to the corner of your jaw.

You try it on.

“Damn.” Raven grins. “I don’t think you should try another mask, Clarkey.”

You glance in the mirror. It looks pretty cool. You have enough space to see clearly, grinning when you see your blue eyes pop behind the mask.

“Perfect.” You agree. You check the price. Blood instantly drains from your cheek, but a comforting hand is on your back.

“I got this, Clarke.” Aden mumbles, smiling. “Let me give you this, just for once.”

“Fine. Thank you.” You press a kiss against his cheek.

“Siblings?” the woman smiles widely. “You’re the Griffin kids aren’t you?”

“Yes.” Aden smiles proudly, his arm around my waist protectively.

“It’s an honour to meet you.” the woman smiles kindly. “I am Indra.”

The four of you introduce yourselves to the kind woman, whose eyes sparkle when she asks about what kind of masks they are searching for.

You fiddle with yours. You cannot believe how expensive it is, really. Aden notices.

“What’s up?”

“How much money are you spending on us? How much does Monty ask?”

“I am not telling you.” he grins, taking your hands in his, brushing his thumbs over the bridges of your hands comfortingly. “You know I have plenty of money, Clarke. Why does it bother you so much?”

“I just… don’t like to depend on anyone else.”

“You don’t. You are the most independent woman I know.” He smiles, his blue eyes stern.

The smile on his wide lips is cute, making you squeeze one of his cheeks. “I am not. I have been living with you most of my life.”

“Then maybe it’s time to move on.” His smile falters.

You freeze for a moment. “Are you saying you are not coming back home?”

“I am saying that maybe we are getting too old for that. We can spend weekends together, but wouldn’t it be nice to have the place to yourself?” he asks.

“You know I need people around me, Ade.” You smile. “But do you want to move out?”

“I don’t, honestly.” He looks at Raven and Lincoln, who try on some masks. “But we are going to be thirty in two years. I think I would… you know, like to prepare for the future.”

“You met someone.” You grin, ruffling his hair. You know him so well, laughing when he blushes.

“Yeah, remember the night we went out for my goodbye party?” his blue eyes are sparkling.

“Yes, Ontari?”

“We’re still talking.” He seems shy. “She makes me feel… normal. Most girls want to be with me because of my name and my money, but she doesn’t. She is special, Clarke.”

“Then go for it.” You give him a tight hug. “Go for her. Go live on your own, wherever you want.”

“I don’t want to leave you. I love living with you.” he admits, his arms around your waist tightly.

“I love living with you, too.” You smile, trying to hold back a single tear. You are so proud of him. You want him to have everything.

“Can you afford the rent?”

“Easily.” You smile. Because you always shared rent, you have been able to save some money. Because of that, you have a buffer. Rent is not cheap, but its’ definitely doable without him.

“We don’t have to do it yet.” He pulls back, pressing a kiss against your cheek. “I mean, when I get back again, I can just look around. No hurry.”

“Whenever you want.” You cup his cheeks. “I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I am so proud of you. You are always there for me when I need you and I just… thank you, Ade.”

“Always.” He pulls you back into the hug. “Just so you know, you have been there for me more than I have been there for you.”

“That is not true.” You shake your head, ready to fight him. “You moved in with me, while you could clearly afford to buy a fancy house in Hollywood. You took care of me when nobody else saw that I was having a hard time. You stuck with me.”

“I will always stick with you, whether you like it or not, _baby sis_.”

“I am not your _baby_ sis, goofball.” You cackle back a laugh, feeling quite happy to see him again after those two long weeks.

“Whatever. I am serious.” He pulls back again. “And you are just trying to talk things right. You are there for everybody, Clarke. For Raven, for Lincoln. You may not even know you’re doing it, but you are. You might act like a brat sometimes, you’re not. You’re amazing.”

“You two are so _sappy_.” Raven gags suddenly, appearing with a white mask, similar to yours, but with feathers and a pattern carved in it. It looks fucking beautiful, contrasting with her darker skin.

“Wow, Rae.” You widen your eyes. “Are you taking that?”

“Yup.” She throws an arm around your shoulder and one around Aden’s. “You two are the grossest siblings I have ever seen.”

“Probably the _only_ ones, too.” You stick out your tongue, earning yourself a lick over your cheek from the Latina. “Ewwww.”

“Are you saying I don’t have other friends?” Raven feigns a gasp, throwing one hand against her chest.

“Yeah.”

“You might be right, there.” She grins, shamelessly licking your cheek again to annoy you.

“Fuck you, Rae.”

“You love me.” Raven grins, pressing a kiss against your cheek. You shake your head in amusement, cleaning your cheek by rubbing your hand over it. You wipe it off on Ravens shirt.

“Sometimes.”

“Hey, guys, what about this one?” Lincoln pops up, while the three of you watch him, your arm snaking around Raven’s waist to keep her close.

Lincoln is wearing a black mask, covering only the right side of his face, all the way down to his chin. He looks fucking cool like that.

“Mysterious.” You grin, holding up your free hand to give him a high five.

“I want something like that, too.” Aden whines, removing himself from Raven, winking at you before leaving with Indra to check other masks.

Raven now fully gives her attention to you, both her arms thrown around your neck as she clings onto you like an annoying, needy girlfriend. “So, I hear Aden is moving out?”

“He is.” You smile. It’s time, you know it.

“Wanna move in together?”

“Already u-hauling? Damn, I knew lesbians were fast, but this is… wow.” Lincoln jokes, interfering.

You snicker, removing yourself from your Latina best friend. “You know we’re not even together, we're not even lesbians, and if we _were_ to be together, moving in fast wouldn't have happened.”

“You’re ruining my joke, Clarke.” He grins.

“It’s a terrible joke, Lincoln. I just wish I didn’t have to grow up and live on my own. I wish we could just buy a gigantic penthouse on top of a skyscraper and just live there all together.” You laugh.

“Me, too.” Raven grins, sticking out her fist for a bump.

“That is actually not a bad idea. Too bad we are not all rich and famous like that spoiled brother of yours.” Lincoln laughs.

“I heard that!” Aden says through the store. You glance at him, watching Indra chuckle behind her hand while she gives Aden a mask.

You shake your head again.

You smile.

Yeah, you are so happy with your friends.

You need them.

\\\

Saying goodbye to Aden again for the remaining weeks of his film, is different from saying goodbye the first time.

Lincoln couldn’t join and Raven decided to stay at home, so it’s up to you to take your brother to the airport, even though he insisted on being able to just take a cab. You, however, insisted to bring him. He could not resist your teary eyes and your tiny pout.

“I feel guilty for being in LA without letting mom and dad know.” He admits while you park the car.

“Don’t be. I am sure they will appreciate it once they see us at the gala.” You reassure him, climbing out the car to open the trunk for your brother.

“What are we going to give them, though? I feel like we should get them a nice gift.”

“How about we… give a presentation of their marriage for everyone to see at the gala and take them to New York for Christmas or something? I heard them say that it’s something they have been wanting to do for a while now.” You opt.

“That is actually not a bad idea. Should we go with just the four of us, though?”

“Yeah. It’s been ages since we have done something together with just mom and dad.” You lock your car as you walk to the terminal where Aden will be leaving.

“Okay.” He nods. “I’ll think about it during the flight. I am just… I feel like there is no gift in the world that could express my gratitude for them, you know.”

“I know.” You bump your shoulder with his, despite the fact he is taller than you. “I feel the same way. I think they would love some old photos and videos to be presented. Nothing too embarrassing, because I believe they were going to invite Brad Pitt.”

“No fucking way.” Aden’s jaw drops, making you laugh.

“I have no idea. I am sure they’ve met Brad a while ago.” You slide your arm around your brothers waist, pulling him in for a hug when you realise it’s time to say goodbye.

“Okay. I will see if I have time to give you some photos I have in my phone.”

“You do that.” You nuzzle your face in his shoulder, inhaling his familiar scent. You’re going to miss him, again.

He holds you tight. You can feel his stubbles against your cheek.

“So, feel free to let me know if you think of anything else we could give them.” You pull back.

A camera suddenly flashes in your faces, making you instantly hide your face, but Aden looks around.

“Sorry.” A woman speaks. “I just… you’re Aden Griffin, right?”

“I am. I would appreciate it if you’d _ask_ next time.” He groans, waving it off.

“Sorry.” The woman seems embarrassed, walking away as quick as possible.

The flash of the camera has attracted attention to the two of you.

“Fucking hell.” You grunt under your breath, not entertained with this. “Gone is your privacy.”

“I’m used to it.” Aden shrugs.

“I’m not.” You grimace, but smile when Aden pulls you back in a hug.

“Imma miss you.” he laughs, cupping the back of your head.

“I will miss you, too.” You press a kiss against his cheek. “I will take care of their gift while you’re gone, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Have a safe flight.”

“See you, Clarke. I love you.”

“I love you too, Ade.”

\\\

Aden has been gone for three days. You already miss him again. You think it might be for the best that you can get used to living alone, now.

With the decision of him moving out you need to prepare. It feels lonely.

You’ve always had people around you in your life and you’ve never really been alone for this long. You hate it. It makes you think too much.

Thankfully, you have your hands full right now.

You sit in your living room, your MacBook in your lap, collecting nice pictures, videos of your parents, editing it in one longer video.

You grab your phone, calling the venue that they arranged.

“Center of Cathedral, John Murphy speaking. What can I do for you tonight?”

“Hi, this is Clarke Griffin. I am calling for the Griffin ball that will be held the end of this month.” You smile into the phone. “I am their daughter and this event will be held because of their wedding anniversary. I would like to inform if there might be a possibility to show a video, you know, to show the guests a bit about their marriage?”

“Let me check for a minute, ma’am.” The voice sounds.

“Sure thing.” You wait for a few seconds.

“They hired the plaza outside for the night.” John speaks again. “It’ll be tricky, but I am sure we can make something work. Would you like to come by so we can prepare things and we can make sure that they will allow it?”

“Well, it’s supposed to be a surprise.” You scrape your throat.

“Okay, uhm. Jake and Abby Griffin.” He starts again. You think you hear some papers in the background. “Clarke was your name?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, well, just stop by. I am pretty sure we’d recognize you. We can talk over things without letting them know.”

“You will do that?”

“Yes. You can come by whenever you want, just make sure that it’ll be in time so we can set things up before the ball starts.”

“Okay. Just one other question.”

“Yes?”

“How on earth will they hold a gala _outside_?” you have been curious about it. You know it ruins the fun to do this, but you just want to arrange something nice for your parents.

“Well, ma’am.” John laughs. “We have experience for _years_. Leave it up to us to arrange those kind of things.”

“Okay.” You laugh in amusement. “Thank you John, for your help. I will stop by sometime soon.”

“I’ll make a note, so they’ll know you’re coming. And you are very welcome, Miss Griffin.”

“Alright. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Miss Griffin.”

So you got that covered. You figure you should make some kind of speech, too.

You text your parents for a moment, using the group chat you have with them and Aden.

 **Clarke** – How many people did you invite for the ball?

 **Jake** – why do you wanna know?

 **Clarke** – just general interest.

 **Abby** – only a couple of hundred

A couple of hundred people. What the actual fuck.

 **Clarke** – how do you invite so many people? I don’t even know 50 people

 **Jake** \- 😉

You laugh in amusement. This is going to be some event. You already feel nerves running down your spine when you think of having to hold a speech for fucking several hundred people.

You text Aden about it, knowing you probably will get a delayed answer since his schedule is quite busy and there is a time difference between your zones.

You decide it’s time to go to bed. You have been wanting to get up early the next morning to get some extra work done at the office.

You make your way to bed, watching some Netflix until you drift off to sleep.

\\\

You sigh, standing in the lounge of your office. You smooth out your light button up, checking the silver watch on your right wrist.

It’s later in the afternoon, and you feel like this day is taking forever. You are once again buried in paperwork. There are more and more cases and you know that you need new people at the office, or you'll be staying here 24/7.

It tires you, if you're being completely honest with yourself. You've had some pretty heavy cases and you just... you're so tired. You just wish that there was more that you could do.

You smile when you notice a text from Nathan, a picture of him and James playing soccer yesterday. You have developed an unhealthy amount of adoration for the kid.

You know that he has been abused, physically. You know that he has been neglected for most his life and yet, you find yourself admiring him for how strong he is. He lives, truly. He enjoys life.

You pray that he will stay like that forever, that he will be able to see the good things in life. You smile when you keep looking at the picture, your heart warming slightly. You text him, asking if he wants to play something soon.

He probably won't answer, but you do it anyway. You sit in your chair, your knees crossed. You turn it around, staring outside for a moment. The LA skyscrapers remain impressive.

Your thoughts wonder off to Lexa. You haven't seen her in a while. You find yourself wanting to ask her how she is doing, but you decide against it.

You shouldn't be doing things like that. You shouldn't be thinking about her like that, unable to stop yourself from smiling when you do.

You don't have time for this. You don't have time for daydreaming, thinking about her smooth skin, her long legs, her perfect face and that radiant smile.

Stop.

Stop it, really. You have to stop this. You sigh, tired of yourself. You hate that you are in this situation. You crave coffee.

You are just grabbing a paper cup, when your work phone rings.

“Clarke Griffin.” You say, tucking the phone between your right shoulder and ear, grabbing the coffee, holding some files clamped between your right arm and side while you make your way back to your office.

“Clarke? Hi, uhm, this is James. Nathan’s foster dad.” An awkward voice sounds.

“Yes, James! What can I do for you?” you ask, setting down your coffee, dropping yourself in your chair to grab a notepad, the files thrown somewhere on your desk.

“Uh, well. Emily had an accident this morning, so… I might not be able to pick up Nathan from school.”

“Oh my, is Emily okay?” your eyes widen in shock.

“Yes, she will be fine, but she is going into surgery now. I wanted to be there when she wakes up, which is around the time Nathan gets back from school. I was wondering if maybe you could pick him up.”

“Isn’t there a baby sitter you can ask?”

“Nathan hates her. He has been asking about you the entire time, Clarke. I don’t really know what else to do.” James sounds pretty desperate.

“I’ll make time. Will you be home tonight, though?” you ask, checking your schedule. Thankfully, you have no appointments scheduled for this afternoon.

“Yes, I am sure I’ll be home tonight. Could you just stay with him for a while? I’ll call you when I get back.”

“Just this time, James.” You warn him. You’re only doing this because you are quite fond of Nate. “If something like this happens in the future, you must know that this is not in my job description.”

“I know, I know.” James sounds rushed. “And I am sorry to bother you with this, I just didn’t really know what to do.”

“It’s not a problem. What time should I pick him up?” you ask, groaning under your breath.

You’d do anything for Nate, but this is unusual.

“Three forty-five.” He speaks.

“Okay. We’ll keep in touch today. Goodluck with Emily.” You hang up the phone, pinching the bridge of your nose. You did not get your fucking PhD to babysit a kid. You’re only doing it because it’s been a while since you’ve seen Nate.

You stand up again, finishing your coffee, before making your way over to Lincoln’s office.

“I have an unexpected appointment this afternoon. Could you cover for me? Call me if there’s anything important?” you ask, watching how he is busy with typing, probably writing some reports.

“Of course, Clarke.” He smiles at you.

“Can I grab you some coffee?”

“Espresso would be nice.” He grins.

“Will do.”

You quickly grab him a cup of espresso, putting it on his desk.

“I’ll be gone for a few hours.” You warn him, making him nod. “Thank you, Linc.”

“No problem.”

You leave the office, since it’s already time to go and pick up Nathan. You secretly hope that he will be thrilled to see you. You tuck your credentials on your hip, clamping it on your trousers.

You make your way over to the school, already spotting kids leaving.

You step out of your car, scanning the crowd of teenagers.

You don’t see him yet. Not even when most of the kids disappear.

You shoot him a quick text, but you think that James and Emily once mentioned that he is not allowed to bring his phone to school.

You make your way inside, looking around to see if you spot him there, but you only see a few adults walking around, probably teachers.

“Can I help you?” a voice sounds, making you turn around.

“I’ll be damned.” You laugh, spotting your boss’ son standing there. “Wells Jaha.”

“Clarke? Is that you?” he grins widely, already making his way to you to give you a short hug. “It has been too long. How are you?”

“I’m doing good, you?” you bounce back with a grin, watching the tall, dark man smile back at you.

“Perfect. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I am here for a student of yours. Nathan Miller? His foster parents couldn’t make it to pick him up today, so I made the exception to come instead.”

“Oh, he is still in his class, talking to his teacher.” He nods. “We received a call from James. He warned us that someone from the agency was coming to pick him up, so his teacher is keeping him entertained.”

“Can you show me the way?” you ask, making him nod.

“Follow me.”

You glance around the school. It’s a fancy school, looking better than the usual public school in town. The walls are pristine white, lockers navy blue, the writings on the wall matching the lockers.

You follow Wells, until he knocks on a closed classroom door.

He then opens it.

The first thing you spot is Nate, his brown eyes widening when he spots you. A smile from ear to ear appears on his face when he jumps up, running to you.

You open your arms with a grin, preparing for the impact when he basically jumps into you.

You catch him with an _oompf_ , but it goes rather smoothly.

“Clarke!” he yells in your ear, almost making you go deaf.

You laugh, though. “I am so happy to see you, too!”

“Clarke, are you here to pick me up?” he drops back to the ground, bouncing on his feet excitedly.

“I am.”

“Can we play soccer?” he begs you, looking up at you with big puppy eyes.

You bite your lip, pretending to contemplate if you should do it or not.

You cannot say no to that pout.

“Fine.” You roll your eyes with a smile, finally seeing the teacher he has been talking to.

You are surprised, to say the least. You drop your jaw dumbly as your blue eyes meet the greenest eyes. 

“Lexa?”

“Clarke.” She returns, standing with her hands clasped behind her back, smiling while her green eyes are focused on the boy.

You watch her move closer slowly. She is wearing tight grey slacks, a dark button up on top of that.

Her hair is tucked in a casual ponytail, barely wearing make-up.

You can literally feel your heart flip in your chest when she smiles widely, her teeth white, walking up to you.

“This is a surprise.” You smile, feeling Nate holding onto you, his arm around your waist while he is tucked into your side.

“Do you know each other?” Wells suddenly speaks. You nod.

“Yeah, Lexa is… a friend.” You swallow when you meet those piercing green eyes. You haven’t seen her in a while.

You haven’t spoken to her in a while. You haven’t been thinking about her in a while either, you’ve just been… busy. But seeing her here, has you smiling like an idiot and you know it.

The way she smiles back at you tells you that she may have missed you, too.

“Nice! Well, I gotta go, I have some work to do. See you around, Clarke.” Wells smiles, pressing a kiss to your cheek before leaving the room.

“Are you two in love?” Nathan suddenly asks, making you snap your eyes back at the boy. He is glancing between you and Lexa with a sly grin.

“What? No, Nathan, we happen to see each other… every once in a while. She’s my _friend_.”

“Really?” he pouts.

“Yes.” Lexa confirms, now standing closer. You want to reach out to hug her, but you don’t.

Your phone rings. You sigh, taking it out. You see it’s Lincoln. He never calls when it isn’t necessary.

“I should take this.” You glance between Nathan and Lexa, quickly answering the phone.

“Clarke?” Lincoln’s voice contains light panic. You have never heard panic in his voice.

“Linc? What’s wrong?” your eyes already widen.

“You… I… your mother called. She said that she couldn’t reach you. It’s your dad. He has been in an accident.” He breathes heavily. “I was on my way to pick you up, but I don’t know where you are, Clarke. You have to come.”

“Where is he?” you can feel the blood draining from your face. You can feel your knees getting weak and you have to sit down.

You can’t breathe. Your vision is getting blurry and you know you will pass out if you don’t sit down right now.

_Dad._

You reach around you, feeling two strong arms moving you to set you on a chair.

“He’s at King Hospital. I don’t know how he is doing, but just… come quick, okay?”

“Okay.” You hang up the phone.

You see two blurry faces in front of you. Two hands on your cheeks. Your heart hammering in your chest, your breaths erratic. You try to comprehend what Lincoln told you.

 _Dad_.

Your father. He could be… he could be dead.

“Clarke?” Nathan’s voice sounds and you glance at the darker face. You look at the boy.

You grab him by the shoulder, breathing heavily. “Nate, I have to go. You can come with me or stay with Lexa.”

“Clarke, what is going on?” Lexa’s voice sounds, but you are not able to see her.

You feel dizzy. You lack oxygen. You lack strength to speak more, gasping for air while the panic rises in your chest.

“Clarke! Nate, do you have a soda left?” Lexa suddenly speaks.

You hear something else while you lean back into your chair, trying to control your breathing.

Your father has to be okay. He has to be fine. He has to live. You suddenly start sobbing, feeling two hands around yours.

It’s Nathan. The brave little boy is comforting you, doing a better job than you ever would.

You try to smile at him.

“Clarke, head between your knees. You’re going to faint if you don’t.” Lexa instructs. You feel a hand on your upper back, softly urging you to lean forward.

You do. You lean forward, your vision coming back slightly, but your sobs don’t fade.

A soda can is being pressed into your hand.

“Drink. It’s sugar. Helps.” Lexa’s voice again. You drink it. You choke a few times, but you drink it.

It distracts you. It helps. You calm down, but your heart is beating so rapidly in your chest, you fear it might stop at some point.

“It’s my dad.” You breathe, your throat squeezed. You glance between Nathan and Lexa, trying to compose yourself when you realise how weak you might come across right now. “He’s had an accident.”

“Is he…” Nate’s eyes widen.

“No, I don’t know.” You shake your head.

“We’re coming with you.” Nate says, determinedly. You can see in his eyes that nothing will change his mind. “Right, Miss Woods?”

“Yes.” Lexa nods, attempting to throw you a reassuring smile your way, but you can tell she’s concerned, too.

It is only now that you realise she has cupped your cheeks, making you look into green eyes.

“He could be fine, Clarke. Let’s not worry when we don’t have to, yet.” She says, her voice softer than you have ever heard. “Let’s go. Which hospital?”

“King Hospital.” You manage to choke out.

Lexa nods, helping you up from the chair. Nate’s hand is in yours instantly, making you smile.

You squeeze his hand, watching how he looks up at you with worry in his eyes. “I don’t think we’ll play soccer today, Nate.”

“I don’t mind.” He smiles, comforting you. “Family is more important, I get it.”

“Don’t think like that. You are important too.” You reassure him, wrapping your arm around his shoulder to press him against you.

Lexa is supporting you on your other side, her arm around your waist.

She seems to have dropped everything for you. You glance at her.

Her face is close, worried creases forming in her forehead.

“Thank you.” you smile sadly at her, making her look at you completely. Your noses almost bump.

“Always, Clarke.” She just says, not even startled by the close proximity.

You silently slip in the back of Lexa’s car, Nathan right beside you to hug you. He is the cutest. You press a kiss on top of his head, trying to focus on the boy instead of your own issues.

Lexa is right. You shouldn’t worry when you don’t know what is going on yet, but your heart is still racing. You lean your chin on Nathans head.

You want to say things to him, but you can’t speak. He looks at you in understanding. You ruffle his short afro, making him squeal.

You hear a small laugh coming from the front, meeting Lexa’s green eyes in the rear view mirror.

She distracts you. For a moment, you forget about your father. For a moment, you let yourself get lost in those green orbs, those eyes that look at you like you are everything right now.

It’s new, really. Lexa has never looked at you like that before and you wonder if it’s pity, but you don’t think it is.

You enjoy having Nathan with you, strangely enough. He seems to be able to comfort you and it truly has you stunned.

The moment you arrive at the hospital, you can feel your chest clench again. You can feel the panic rise, but Nathan stops it.

“It will be okay, Clarke.” He reassures you, his big eyes honest.

You smile, pressing a kiss against his forehead when you step out the car, followed by him and Lexa.

You storm into the hospital, to the nurses desk.

“I am here for Jake Griffin. Is he okay? What happened? Is he in surgery?”

“Miss, calm down, I will check. What is your relationship to him?” she glances at you suspiciously.

“He’s my father.”

“And those two?” the nurse glances at Nathan and Lexa. You tuck Lexa by your side.

“She is my wife and this is our son.” You lie.

Nathan nods proudly, and Lexa stiffens, but she is going with it, an amused smile playing on the corner of her lips when you gaze at her for a moment.

“Fine. Let me see.” The nurse shakes her head, not amused by it all.

You wrap your arm around Lexa’s waist, pulling her closer to make the nurse believe you’re truly together.

You lean in to whisper in her ear. “Sorry.”

“It’ll be fine, Clarke.” She smiles at you when you pull back.

You nod. You want to believe her.

“He’s in… room 124.” The nurse motions to the hallway on your left.

You drag Lexa and Nathan with you. You check the rooms, your cheeks red.

You look around, when you see the room. You stop.

The door is open, but you are afraid to look inside. But you do. Lexa squeezes your hand comfortingly when you step ahead of the two.

Your father is sitting straight up in the bed, laughing at something Abby says.

Your jaw drops.

“What the fuck?” you storm inside. “I thought you were _dying_!”

Jake snaps his eyes up at you. He has the _tiniest_ scratch of all scratches on his cheek. He is still wearing his clothes, and he seems… fine.

Perfectly healthy. He grins in amusement, stretching his arms for you.

You fall into them. “I thought you were dead!”

“Kid, I am right here. It’s just a scratch, really.”

You hold him tightly. “My god, mom! Why would you call Lincoln and make him panic and why would you be so cruel in making us believe that dad was dying?”

“Clarke, I only got a call from the hospital, saying that he had been in an accident!” Abby laughs when you finally crack a happy smile on your face.

“Geez. You could’ve called me!” you pull back, watching how Abby and Jake grin at each other. “What?”

“Did you bring your… new little family?” Jake points to the entrance of the room.

You turn around, watching how Lexa and Nathan stand there, their arms wrapped around each other, eyes widened in shock when they see the whole thing happening.

You melt. Your heart melts, _really_. You forget your parents in the room, you just see Nathan and Lexa.

“Uhm.” You scratch your head awkwardly. “No need to panic, guys.”

“No shit.” Nate grins.

“Dad, mom, meet Nathan. He’s a… he’s my…”

“Friend.” He finishes with a cocky smile. “And you are Jake and Abby Griffin.”

“Come here.” You laugh, motioning for both of them to join.

“Jake, Abby.” Lexa nods. “I am so glad you are okay.”

“I am fine, kid. Good to see you.” Jake winks at Lexa. Nathan joins you, a little shy.

“How did you meet?” Jake looks between you and Nathan.

“Clarke saved me from my father.” Nathan beams, extending his hand for Jake to take.

“I did not _save_ you. I just called the police and picked you up.” You roll your eyes when you hold him in front of you. He seems flabbergasted to meet your parents.

“You _saved_ me.” Nathan insists, laughing while your father shakes his hand.

Both your parents and Lexa suddenly look at you in worry.

“What?” you glance between them. “He is _exaggerating_.”

“No, I’m not.” Nate shakes his head.

“Shhhh.” You urge him to stop talking. “It’s no big deal.”

“Were you in danger?” Abby’s eyes are wide and you groan internally.

“No! We were just outside and the police was there, it’s no big deal.” You just say, but Lexa now stands at the edge of Jake’s bed, gaping at you.

Nathan just laughs. You smack him on the arm gently, making him glance up at you.

You grin, ruffling his short hair again before looking back at your parents.

They still look at you like they’re seeing a ghost.

“Oh, come on.” You roll your eyes. “We’re here because we thought dad was dying and he’s not! It’s a miracle! What happened anyway?”

Jake scrapes his throat, deciding to let it go. “I got hit by a drunk driver, but I managed to get out.”

You worry, though. Your father looks pretty tired. “Are you sure you’re okay? Did they check your head? Did they make a scan? Don’t you have internal bleedings?”

“Clarke.” Abby huffs in amusement. “They checked him, he is fine.”

“Uhm, I should go.” Lexa announces, but Jake shakes his head.

“You can stay.” He insists.

“So how did you guys get here?” Abby narrows her eyes.

“Well, Nathan’s foster parents were in the hospital and they called me, asking if I could pick him up from school. Turns out Lexa is one of his teachers. I got Lincoln’s call when I just arrived there.” You explain, sitting down in one of the chairs.

“Where _is_ Lincoln, by the way?”

“He went to call you.” Jake raises his eyebrows.

You check your pockets. “Did I leave my phone at school?”

“You did.” Lincoln’s voice suddenly sounds. He seems surprised to see the boy and Lexa, but he greets them anyway.

He gives you a kiss on the cheek. “Sorry for scaring you there.”

“It’s fine.” You wave it off, glad that your father is okay.

“So, the nurse told me that you suddenly got married and already had a kid?” Lincoln then jokes, making you roll your eyes.

“What?” Jake laughs, confused.

“I was scared that they wouldn’t let Nate and Lexa in if I didn’t tell them they were with me.” You laugh, high fiving Nathan.

“I like the sound of that.” Jake grins.

“Sound of what?” Abby quirks a brow.

“Clarke having a wife and a kid.” His grin only grows.

“Okay, it’s clearly time for us to leave.” You groan, wanting to stand up from your chair.

“Really?” Nathan pouts.

“Oh, you wanna stay?” you grin down at him.

For some reason, it is not even weird to introduce him to your family. It’s not weird that he is here in the room.

You feel strange. A good kind of strange, but you can’t really place the feeling it gives you.

“They’re nice.” Nathan nods.

“Well, I figured we could play some soccer now that we know my father is completely fine, but if you want to stay...” You glance at your father sternly, as a warning not to scare you like that again.

He chuckles, nodding when he clearly gets the message.

“Really, soccer?” Nathan suddenly seems excited. “Can Lexa come, too?”

“I am sure she has things to do, Nate.”

“I can come.” Lexa insists, smiling at the boy.

“Let’s go! Uh, it was nice to meet you, mom and dad from Clarke.” Nathan grins. “And Lincoln.”

“I can join, too.” Lincoln shrugs. “Otherwise you won’t have equal teams. If you want me to.” He winks at Nathan.

“Oh my god.” Nathan is really excited by now, almost running around in the room. “I have never played with so much adults!”

“ _Many_ adults.” You correct him, laughing at his enthusiasm. You look at Lexa for a moment, whose eyes follow the boy.

The smile on her lips is radiant. You swallow away a lump in your throat when her eyes suddenly lock with yours, as if she knew you were watching her.

You just can’t help it. You just can’t help staring at her strong jaw, her long nose, her thick, _kissable_ lips.

“Are you going to be okay?” you tear your eyes away from her, glancing between your parents.

They nod with typical grins on their faces. You are not sure what it means, but you shrug.

You move to give your parents a kiss and a hug.

The moment you leave the room, you miss how your parents exchange knowing glances, wide smiles on their faces.

\\\

You stop by the school to grab your things and your car. Nathan insists that he will ride with you, making the other two adults smile at you. You just blush. Lexa and Lincoln follow you to Nate’s house in their own cars.

You play soccer in his backyard. You don’t have the key to the house, but it’s the easiest, especially because the ball was there.

You actually have fun. You, Lincoln, Lexa and Nathan run around in the backyard, in your professional clothing.

You all play barefoot, since your heels made it hard for you to play, mud all over your feet since it rained a bit yesterday, but you don’t really care.

It’s beautiful.

It’s a perfect moment and you team up with Nathan, playing against Lincoln and Lexa.

You and Nathan make a good team. You’re better than Lexa, but Lincoln seems to be the most athletic one.

You laugh when you score, picking up Nathan in the process. He may be ten already, but he is really tiny for his age.

He climbs on your back, screaming happily while Lexa and Lincoln just pout.

“It’s not fair! You make the best team together.” Lexa laughs, encouraging Nathan.

“I can play with you.” you offer. “Boys against girls.”

“Yes!” Nathan happily takes Lincoln to his side of the tiny field, you and Lexa teaming up on the other side.

You place your hands on Lexa’s shoulders, looking her deep in the eyes. “We got this, _Lex_. Focus. We can win this thing. We are stronger than those men.”

You don’t expect her to laugh loudly, throwing her head back in her neck, her throat bobbling with her snickers.

“I am being serious here.” You scoff, but you laugh along. Lexa’s laughter is just… contagious.

“Of course you are.” Lexa wipes a tear from her cheek, laughing when you swat her comforting hand away.

“Let’s just focus.” You point your index- and middle finger to your eyes and then to hers, as a warning that you’re watching her.

“Sure, Clarke.” She snorts in amusement.

You haven’t seen her like this before.

In her element, completely at ease. It’s really new. You like this side of her. This carefree, happy side of her.

The game starts when Nathan blows on his special whistle. You run to the ball, already taking it away from Lincoln, ducking under his arms as he tries to grab you.

“It’s not rugby!” you scream, already running away with the ball glued to your foot.

Lexa runs with you, but Nathan is fast to catch up.

You pass the ball to the brunette, a little too far for Nathan to reach. Then, Lexa scores.

“Yes!” you pump your fist in the air, laughing when Lincoln pouts at you. “You tried to tackle me.”

“No, I didn’t.” Lincoln grins so widely, that you fear that his teeth might fall out.

You laugh.

It has been such a long time that you have felt this way. That you have found yourself in a situation, so thoroughly enjoying it that you just completely forget about who you even are.

It’s precious, you know this.

The soccer game lasts for at least another fifteen minutes. You win.

You laugh loudly when Lexa jumps on your back this time. She is a little heavier than Nathan, but you carry her with ease as you run over the field.

You laugh when you see the pouts on the boys’ faces.

Then, you tumble right over. You fall onto the grass, Lexa falling right on top of your back.

You can hear the loud laughter of Nathan and Lincoln coming closer to come check up on you and Lexa.

You are buried under the brunette, trying to let her roll off, but she is shaking.

Shaking with laughter, just like you.

It’s ridiculous.

You feel like a bloody child.

You can’t stop laughing, not even when Lexa rolls off you, helping you up.

Before you know it, her hand is on your face to wipe away some dirt, making you grin.

She is still laughing.

“You okay there?” Lincoln smirks, crossing his arms in front of his chest while Nathan still giggles at your strange antics.

“Fine.” You mutter under your breath trying to clean your clothes, but it’s all really worth it when green eyes meet yours.

Sparkling, happy green eyes.

She is even more beautiful when she is beaming like this. When she radiates that happiness onto everyone else near her.

 _Stunning_.

You smile, trying to clean yourself a bit more. You have to return to the office after all.

You are glad that you picked up your phone and Lexa’s stuff at the school when your phone rings on the porch.

You make your way over there.

It’s James, telling you that he is on his way home.

You finish the conversation when Lincoln joins you.

“He told me that you have been playing soccer with him before.” He states. “Why?”

“I care about him, Linc.” You glance at the boy, who is now showing Lexa some tricks.

“It’s different with him, isn’t it?” he smiles at you. You’re only able to nod while the smile tugs on your lips.

“Yeah.”

“Be careful, Clarke.” He warns. “I know you care about those kids. I know you take your work home and you shouldn’t. I warned you about this before.”

“I know you did. I know what I’m doing, okay?” you appreciate his worry, but you don’t need him to say this to you.

You know exactly what you’re doing.

“I trust you with that.” He nods. “Just saying.”

“Thank you.”

“Alright, I should go.” He grabs his shoes, pressing a kiss to your cheek before moving to say goodbye to Lexa and Nathan.

You watch how Lincoln hugs the boy and Lexa. It makes you smile. You know that Lincoln cares, too.

You know that he would happily spend time with foster kids, just to make them feel better. He doesn’t, but you know he would if he could.

You wave at him as you sit down on the porch, watching him leave.

“I should go, too.” Lexa walks up to you while Nathan still tries a few tricks on the grass.

She sits down next to you, watching the boy.

“It’s a funny coincidence.” She continues. “I think he spoke of you before. He told me you played soccer with him a while ago and he was so happy about it. And then I returned your clothes at your office. He was the one who called you, right?”

“Yes.” You nod. She remembers.

“You’re great, Clarke.” Lexa starts, watching the boy. You glance at her, admiring her strong jawline, her soft skin covering her high cheekbones. Her long lashes and that smile on her thick lips. She too, has a little dirt smudged on her cheek and you reach for her softly, wiping it off.

You hear her breath hitch in her throat.

“Clarke, I know that I have been… unkind to you. I know I told you that I didn’t like you when I was sober, but uhm…” she avoids to look at you and you find it endearing. “…I’ve seen this other side of you and I fear I might have misjudged you. I’m sorry.”

“Just in case, I might have misjudged you, too.” You say in all honesty. You can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened, but you just… stopped feeling that constant annoyance bubbling in your chest at some point along the way.

“I’m glad.” She finally looks at you, her green eyes closer than you’d expect them to.

You think you can read her now, but still, there is something going on behind those eyes that you don’t recognize.

“Friends?” you offer.

“Okay.” She smiles.

“With benefits?” you joke. She laughs.

“We’ll see.”

\\\

Lexa waits with you for James to come home. You discuss Nathan for a moment. Lexa tells you how smart he is, how well he is doing in school, even after everything that has happened.

You in return admit that you might care about him more than you should, probably. She asks you about the burden of your job and you find yourself telling her that it is harder than it seems.

You almost feel the need to cry at some point, while you watch Nathan play by himself. Thankfully, you are able to hold back just enough. You build up your walls, because you don’t like it when people see you this vulnerable.

Lexa notices, however. She places a comforting hand on your knee.

You want to say more, when you hear a car door close and James grins, walking around the house to greet his foster son.

“Hey.” Nathan high fives the older man. You eye them closely.

You say your goodbyes, leaving to your cars.

Nathan hugs you and Lexa really tightly, making you laugh in return.

“Wanna grab a drink?” Lexa offers when you two make your way to your cars.

“I would love to, but since my schedule has changed, I have some extra work to do tonight.” You shake your head with an apologetic smile.

Lexa just nods, seeming to be taken aback by your declination.

Your car is right behind Lexa’s and you open your door, but you lean on the roof. Your phone buzzes shortly and you check it.

It’s your father.

 **Jake** – Dinner at our place this weekend? Take Lexa, too

 **Clarke** – who else is coming?

 **Jake** – just raven and Linc. Marcus is busy with the company

“Lexa?” you ask, watching how the other woman cleans her feet to put on her shoes.

“Yes?”

“My dad asks if you want to join us for dinner this weekend.”

“Uh, sure. Who else will be there?”

“Just Raven, Lincoln, my parents and me.” You say. You watch her nod.

 **Clarke** – we will be there

 **Jake** – she still with you?

 **Clarke** – we are leaving now, dad

 **Jake** – see you on Saturday, then 😉 love you, kid

 **Clarke** – I love you too, dad

“Shall I pick you up?” Lexa then asks, casually leaning against her car. “It’s on the way.”

“Uh, I’ll probably take Raven and Lincoln with me, but you can join.” You smile at her.

“Okay.” She nods, wanting to step into her car.

“Lexa?”

“Hmm?”

“Don’t forget to bring some extra clothes. We’re probably sleeping over.”

“Right.” the smile on her face is taking your breath away.

“I will see you Saturday.” You slide your sunglasses on top of your nose.

“See you, Clarke.”

You slip into your car, pulling out the driveway. Lexa follows you for a few blocks, before turning another way.

You instantly feel… alone.

It’s weird, really. It is a foreign feeling that settles in your heart.

You have yet to figure out what it means.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been thinking. how would you guys like a chapter from Lexa's pov? like maybe the epilogue or something? lemme know!


	6. to create a world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fluff, light angst, smut. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck it, didnt wanna keep you waitin'. 
> 
> thanks once again for all the love!
> 
> oh, this chapter can get a little cheesy, just like i wrote in the tags, hope you guys wont mind that.

\\\

You have to admit that you have been thinking a lot about Lexa the past few days. The image of her playing soccer with Nathan seem to have burned its way into your mind, unable for you to remove it.

It makes you smile, though.

“What has gotten you so goofy?” Raven suddenly asks while you drive up north to Malibu, to your parents’ house for the promised dinner.

“Hmm.”

“She wants to adopt a kid.” Lincoln teases.

“What?” Ravens eyes widen. You hear Lincoln and Lexa giggle in the back of your car.

You send them a glare through your rear view mirror.

“I don’t want to _adopt_ him. But there's this kid. He’s really cute, I’ve played soccer with him a few times.” You grin.

“From work?” the Latina seems thoroughly amused.

“Yup.” You pop the ‘p’, laughing when Raven feels your forehead.

“Are you sick?”

“Why would I be sick?”

“You never played soccer after high school.” Raven cackles, turning up the music a bit to sing along to Miley Cyrus’ Midnight sky.

You sing along, too. It’s probably your new jam right now, you love it.

_“See my lips on her mouth, everybody's talking now, baby. Ooh, you know it's true, yeah.”_

You roll down your window, feeling the wind going through your hair.

You glance in your mirror.

You see Lexa, her eyes closed as she seems to enjoy the wind in her face, too.

She has a smile on her face that makes you smile, too.

The drive north isn’t too long and you grin when you type in the code to your parents’ gate.

You park your car in its usual spot near the fountain, slipping out.

You walk around to the trunk to grab a few random bags, only to follow your friends to the terrace behind the house.

“Kids!” Jake retracts from the kitchen, jumping outside the moment he spots you.

He hugs all of you, even Lexa. You grin when you watch your mother hug her, too.

Lexa seems slightly uncomfortable, but reciprocates anyway.

You watch how the table has been set already, despite it only being four in the afternoon.

“Why don’t you go for a swim?” Abby grins after having hugged you all.

Everyone instantly moves inside to change, but Lexa seems hesitant. You watch her hover near the door.

“You can just take the room you’ve had before.” Jake encourages her to move, winking at you when he notices you have been worrying about the brunette.

You just move upstairs, quickly changing into your black bikini. This is why you love LA, too.

Even in October, the weather is good enough to just spend time outside. You throw on a loose dress over your bikini, so you’ll have something to wear during dinner.

You go downstairs, watching how Lexa, Lincoln and Raven are already in the pool.

“Hey, hon.” Abby slips an arm around your waist as you watch your friends. “Missing Aden?”

“Always.” You smile, leaning against your mother.

“It certainly is strange to see you without him.” Jake jokes, standing on your other side.

“It _feels_ weird.” You nod.

“He’ll be back soon.” Abby places a kiss on your cheek. “Go swim.”

“Yeah.” You throw your dress over your chair near the house, before walking to the pool.

You watch how Lexa has made her way on top of Lincoln’s shoulders. She sure seems to get along with him and it just makes you happy to see.

Green eyes snap up to you the moment you approach the large pool. You watch her gaze lower to roam over your body as you step down the stairs, into the water.

You never take your eyes off _her_.

She never takes her eyes off _you_.

You dip your head under, wetting your hair. Raven is smooth when she climbs on your shoulders.

“Fight!” Raven calls, holding your head softly while you steady yourself, holding her legs when you move around the pool, trying to avoid Lexa and Lincoln.

You have fun.

They have fun. It feels so fucking good. You laugh, you swim, you play around like you’re kids.

You switch teams. Raven on Lincoln’s shoulders and you on Lexa’s.

Her hands wrap around your thighs protectively as she moves you through the water.

You win.

You find out that Lexa is just as competitive as you are when you laugh, finally exiting the pool to join your parents at the dining table on the terrace.

The sun is lowering as you chat, dancing along to music, eating and drinking in between.

You watch how Lincoln and your dad turn on the fire in the pit as you all sit around it cosily.

Raven drunkenly climbs in your lap, just like last time. Raven, the affectionate girl who doesn’t seem to care about what others think.

Raven, your very best friend, the girl that you have been depending on for a long time in your life, who knows certain secrets that not even Aden knows.

You hold her close while you watch Lexa and Lincoln talk, your parents wrapped up in a conversation for themselves.

“I miss Adey.” Raven nudges her nose against your cheek.

“Me, too.”

You are drunk. You always get drunk when you’re here. Your parents just love a good wine, opening bottle after bottle as everyone enjoys their time here.

“I’m cold.” Raven grins. She reaches for a blanket, throwing it over the two of you.

The sky is dark, many stars up in the sky.

You lean back, letting Raven cuddle against you.

“So many stars.” You mumble drunkenly, leaning your head against the Latina’s.

“And you are the shiniest of all.” Raven jokes, laughing loudly when you roll your eyes.

“Sure, Rae.” You tease her. Your laughter earns the attention of the rest.

“Is it always like this?” Lexa suddenly wonders aloud, clearly intoxicated, too.

“Like what?” Raven raises a brow in amusement.

“Just… being here is so…” Lexa seems to think very, very hard over the next words. She is hugging her pulled up knees, her hair in a wet, messy bun. “You guys are all just so… carefree.”

“Well, that is because we enjoy life.” Jake begins. “I know that you’ve had a hard youth, Lexa. Lincoln and Raven did, too. But with everything that we have, everything that we can provide, we love to share it. Even though it’s just nights like this, where we all come together as a people.”

“Yeah.” Lincoln nods, squeezing Lexa’s shoulder. “It’s not like we ignore the bad things that happen to us, but as long as we have nothing to fear, nothing to worry about, you can find us here having fun.”

“You’re always welcome.” You add. “I mean… right dad? Mom?”

Abby chuckles. “Yes, Lexa. You’re always welcome here. If you need anything, we are here for you.”

“I… thanks.” She stutters, looking adorably flustered. Her fire-lit green eyes search yours instantly, as if you are the only one capable of making her feel comfortable.

It causes a strange tug at your heart. You smile at her.

You admire her from the distance, watching how she listens closely as Lincoln and your parents seem to have continued another conversation.

You watch her bite her lip.

“Sleep.” Raven mumbles against your cheek, pressing a kiss there. “Bed?”

“I’ll take you.” you smile, pressing a kiss on her nose. You rise from your seat, glad that you are pretty strong.

You carry her inside, bridal style as she clutches onto you.

Raven is always the first to fall asleep. You tuck her into bed.

“Are you and Lexa together yet?” she mumbles sleepily, holding onto you.

“Raven.” You warn her. “Lexa and I are just friends, okay?”

“So much has changed between you two since last time. What happened?” Raven asks.

“I don’t know.” You sigh, giving up a little when you lay down next to Raven, atop the blankets you just tucked her in. “We… she was there when I got the call about dad. She _cared_. We took Nathan, you know that story. I just… I forgot why I didn’t like her.”

“You _like_ her.” Raven grins, but it quickly turns into a yawn.

“We’re friends.” You nod. “Go sleep, Reyes.”

You press a kiss on her forehead before silently slipping out the room, going back downstairs. You sit back in your chair.

“I’m gonna go as well.” Lincoln rises, stretching. “Thank you for the lovely dinner, Abby.”

“You’re welcome.” Your mother smiles at him as he leans down to press a kiss against her cheek.

“Goodnight.”

“Night, Linc.” You smile. He presses a kiss on the top of your head too, before moving inside.

“We’re going, too.” Jake yawns. “Or at least, I am.”

Before you know it, it’s just you and Lexa.

“I should go to bed, too.” The brunette smiles at you. Her voice is quiet, but you hear her loud and clear.

You’re drunk, you know this.

“I’m just going to take a swim before I go.” You smile. “Goodnight, Lexa.”

“On second thought, mind if I join?” she changes her mind.

“No, I don’t mind.” You take off your dress again, running a hand through your beachy hair.

You walk to the pool before Lexa can speak more, smiling slightly when you feel the lukewarm, blue-lit water at your feet.

You walk in, not completely dipping yourself under.

You feel a certain content when you lean over the edge, staring into the dark sky above the ocean.

You hear the water behind you, a sound that is coming closer.

Before you know it, Lexa is right beside you, leaning over the edge to stare into nothing right with you.

“I should appreciate this view more often.” You say, watching over the sea, hearing the soft waves in the distance.

“It is breath-taking.” The brunette confirms, her elbow softly touching yours.

“Yeah.” You glance up at the stars. “Makes me feel small.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Well, I don’t know. Do you know that feeling when you are in the middle of a crowd, millions of people around you and you just feel like you don’t matter? It’s the same when I look at the stars, stars that probably don’t even exist anymore, but the light reaches us only now. It’s so fucking big and I just… feel unimportant.” You sigh. “It’s so… captivating, though.”

“Stars?”

“Yeah. Space. Thinking about how small we are in this… giant universe.”

“It is.” Her voice is soft.

You glance at her. “I cannot stop looking at it sometimes.”

“Yeah.” She looks at you, too. “Just so you know… you _are_ important.”

“What?” you are confused.

“You said that it makes you feel unimportant. You’re not. Unimportant, I mean.” She motions to you.

“I… thanks.” You watch her look at you. Even in the dim light of the night, you can still see the green of her eyes clearly.

You see the shadow her jaw creates in her neck. You see her plump lips.

You see _her_.

“Can I tell you something stupid?” you then say. It feels nice to be able to talk about these kind of things. You rarely do, but it’s always somewhere inside of you.

You stare back at the ocean.

“Of course.” She whispers by now. You are not sure if she does it so the others won’t hear, or that she is simply… drunk.

“I feel like I’ve been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines, you know? Like, life passes you by, you work, you sleep, you work, it repeats all over again and it makes me think about… what’s the point?” you admit quietly, now leaning back to float on your back.

Your ears are underneath the surface, unable to hear anything else.

You stare into the darkness of the sky, watching the tiny white dots twinkle.

Two hands underneath your back pull you up, very gently.

You meet Lexa’s worried gaze.

“Are you okay, Clarke?” she murmurs, now almost holding you, bridal style. You wrap your arms around her neck, but you softly urge her to let you go.

She does.

She stands right in front of you, the water reaching your chests.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” you are curious.

“When one says, ‘what’s the point’, I tend to worry.” She says, searching your face for something. You can’t figure out what it is she’s looking for, though.

“No, I didn’t mean it badly. It’s just something I have been thinking about, I guess.”

“I think family is the point.” Lexa blurts out. You move back to the edge, addicted to the view it offers you.

The wind is gentle in your face, you run a hand through your wet hair.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I didn’t really grow up with one, but still. Marcus is my family. Octavia and Anya are my family.” She scrapes her throat. “Family is… the people you choose to spend the rest of your life with. It’s like… not about blood. It’s about love and caring and I just… I feel that when I am here, with you and your friends and your parents and Marcus.”

“You think that that is what life is about?”

“Yes. It's important for me to… create a world for myself. That's how I see it. It sounds weird, I know, but it’s… I create my own world. My own family. My own choices.”

“You sound pretty smart.” You smile. “What about love? What about… spending the rest of your life with the one person that you love the most?”

“I guess, to love is to… well, that's the whole spectrum of life right there, and love is a focal point for a number of steps, uhm… but it's bliss. We're here for in a lot of ways, for love and interaction with other people. And selflove, and loving others and getting to a place where you are not afraid of who you are… and you can open up to people…” She rambles.

You look at her. The ocean completely forgotten. There is just something in her words that touch you. Like, she touches your soul, as if she knows exactly what is going on in your head, she is just putting it to words and making things so clear all the sudden.

“Have you ever loved anyone?”

Your eyes lock with hers. Her green eyes just so fucking intense, so fucking emotional.

“I have.” She admits shyly, glancing down at the ocean before looking back up at you.

You can’t help yourself when you reach out to tuck a strand of her lost curls behind her ear. Curls that wave softly in the wind, cupping her face, cascading down her shoulders, the tips dipping in the water.

Her eyes never leaving yours. Her lips tucked into a permanent, but hesitant smile.

“That is one lucky person. Was it… bliss? Like you said?”

“Yeah.”

You nod. You are feeling so much right now. There is so much more to Lexa than you initially thought.

She is kind, she cares, she is open for anything. She thinks about the important things in life and you just… you like her.

You really do.

You giggle a bit, though. “Sorry, I am drunk.”

“Me, too.” She sighs, the smile never leaving her face, though.

You move a bit, hovering behind her while she still leans over the edge.

You place your hands beside her elbows resting there, your lips brushing over her bare shoulder.

You don’t know why you are doing it. Probably because you are drunk. Probably, because Lexa takes your breath away and touching her seems to be the only _right_ thing to do thing in this moment.

Touching her makes things… different. It just makes _sense_. Touching her, feeling her is something you have grown addicted to. You don’t even know when that happened.

You hear her whimper softly when you press your front against her back.

You can feel her lean into you, her head tumbling back on your shoulder. Your lips stroking over the delicate skin of her neck.

You can feel her ass basically grinding into you. You feel her head turn, her lips on your cheek.

You tilt your head to change the angle in order to capture her lips. It’s not like the way you’ve kissed her before.

It’s less… heated. There is something peaceful about moving with that careful purpose, just simply feeling her against you.

You’re addicted.

Her lips are warm and soft against yours, her tongue slowly wiping down your bottom lip to ask for permission.

You happily grant her. You sigh into the kiss, lightly deepening it when you move your hands up her arms, down her sides, disappearing under water.

You deepen the kiss when you softly scratch the skin of her thighs. She shudders against you.

She moans softly when your tongue dances with hers a little rougher than before. She moans quietly when your hand lowers further, dipping underneath the fabric of her bikini.

“Clarke.” She breathes, pulling back lightly.

“Yeah?”

“We’re in your parents’ pool.” She chuckles softly, but never removes her head from your shoulder.

“I’m aware.” You kiss her neck. You love her reaction when you keep kissing her, nipping gently.

You can feel a hand tangle in your wet hair. You lower your hand slowly, giving her time to say something if she doesn’t want to do this.

When she doesn’t speak, you dip in her folds, under the water.

You moan when you can feel her wetness, even in the pool. You are grateful that this pool has a thorough cleaning system.

You moan when she grips onto your hair tighter when you tease her at her entrance.

She suddenly reaches for your lips again, kissing you harder with a passion you feel in your entire body.

You are on fire, really. You cannot help yourself when you hold her, slipping one hand underneath the top of her bikini to softly massage her boob.

You cannot help yourself when you slide two fingers inside of her. She moans softly, her head thrown back on your shoulder.

You stop, though.

You turn her in your arms, pressing her against the glass wall of the pool. Your hand back at her centre, you slip back into her. For a moment you watch her, her face blue lit from the lamps under water.

For a moment, she reaches your face with her hand, her thumbs brushing over your lips, down to follow the dimple in your chin.

You melt.

She moves her hands in your neck, pressing you closer as she slowly finds a rhythm to grind into you.

It’s not heated. It’s not rough. It’s you and her, taking your time. It’s you, wanting to make her feel good, wanting to make her feel _worthy_.

She softly rolls her hips into you, finding that steady pace as she moves to kiss you.

And you kiss her. You kiss her deep, with desire, but soft enough to make her feel appreciated.

You kiss her like you never have before and it scares you.

It scares you that this feels different from all the other times. It scares you that all you want to do is hold her, make her feel worthy of the entire universe.

You can feel her walls clench a bit when you decide to rub your thumb over her clit. You can feel her tongue in your mouth, her body pressed against yours under the water.

You can hear her tiny gasps when you increase speed. You can feel her grip around your shoulders tighten when she wants you closer. You can feel your bodies pressed close in the water, your breaths erratic when you feel it all.

You can feel her teeth sinking in the skin of your shoulder when her walls clench harder, when you feel more wetness escape her.

You feel her shudder when your lips claim her neck, her clavicle, her shoulder. You can feel it all.

You can feel her trembling in your arms when she wraps one leg around your hip. You feel the vibration of her moans under your lips when you kiss your way back up to chase hers.

You can feel her coming. You can feel her getting to her high, because you _know_ her. You know the exact moment that her pleasure is at its highest point, with the way she desperately grinds into you before collapsing in your arms.

“Fuck.” She mutters in your ear, pressing a small kiss there. You feel your throat close.

You can feel some panic rise in your chest when you feel how she holds you so gently.

You feel the need to _escape_.

“We should get some sleep.” You just mumble in the nape of her neck.

“What?” she sounds disappointed. “What about you? I want to make you feel good, Clarke.”

“You don’t have to do that. You already made me feel good.” You smile, pulling back lightly. You look at the hurt in her eyes.

You watch her purse her lips, but she doesn’t speak. Instead, she moves out of the water before you get to say more.

“Goodnight, Clarke. I will see you tomorrow.” She grabs a towel, wrapping it around her like a blanket, leaving you all alone in the pool.

Leaving you and your racing thoughts, your spinning feelings, completely stunned. You don't understand her sudden change in mood.

And you have no idea what to do.

\\\

When you wake up the next morning, you barely remember what happened. You groan, trying to ignore your headache, trying to recall the night before.

You shoot up with wide eyes when you remember what happened in the pool.

“Fuck.”

You drop yourself back into your pillow, burying your face in your hands.

You are such an idiot. You fucked Lexa in the pool and she left you because that was all you did. You just fucked her.

You don’t want to show yourself yet, so you just escape onto your balcony.

You hear hushed voices. You instantly recognize Ravens’.

“… she just doesn’t think she is worthy of love, Lexa. I don’t know why, but she always ran when things got too intense.”

What the fuck?

You feel anger in your chest. You walk back in, getting dressed in a simple shirt and shorts, almost running down the stairs.

You walk up behind them, leaning in the door opening. You cross your arms in front of your chest, following the hushed conversation for a few moments.

“Are you done psycho-analysing me?” you say, colder than you mean to.

Both Raven and Lexa jump up, both clearly startled and embarrassed.

“If you want to talk together about _me_ , behind my back, I suggest you do it elsewhere, somewhere I am not able to hear.” Your nostrils flare as you return back inside, slamming the door behind you to lock yourself in your bedroom.

You fall to the bed.

You don’t know why it bothers you so much. Perhaps that Raven might be right, perhaps that she and Lexa have clearly been discussing everything that is wrong with you.

God forbid that Lexa told Raven about your little adventure in the pool last night.

You hide yourself under the blankets.

A knock on your door makes you pop up your head from the blankets.

“Clarke?” Raven’s voice. “Will you please let me in?”

“Go away.” you huff. You are not in the mood to talk to her right now. You are not in the mood to get confronted.

You are not in the mood to hear Ravens lame excuses.

“Clarke…” Raven sighs.

“Just take my fucking car and take Lexa with you.” you yell.

“Clarke, please. Think about this.”

“I am! I am thinking about how you are analysing me behind my back with _Lexa_.” You grunt.

“I didn’t mean it badly, Clarke.” Raven’s muffled voice sounds like she regrets it.

“How often do you do that, Rae?” you rise from the bed. “How often do you talk to others about me behind my back, explaining to them why I feel the way I feel while you clearly don’t know what is going on inside my head? You have no _right_.”

“I’m sorry.”

You hear a subtle thud. Raven probably leans her forehead against your door, so you rip it open, only for her to stumble inside.

“You had no right.” you repeat.

“I know.”

“Then why do it? Why tell Lexa about how fucked up I am while I had the perfect little life, huh? Did you tell her that it’s nonsense that I am the way I am? It’s not up to you!”

“I know!” Raven yells by now. “I am sorry, Clarke. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have.” you cross your arms in front of your chest.

“It’s not Lexa’s fault.” Raven defends her.

“I never said it was.” You shake your head. You soften a little, but you won’t let your best friend get off the hook so easily. “Those kind of things are just for me to tell, okay? I know that I… have a weird way of thinking, but it’s who I am.”

“I know.” Raven nods, clearly emotional as she looks around the room, trying to figure out what to do.

“I love you.” Raven retreats.

“And I love you, but if you ever do that again...” You say quietly. “I don’t like that you did that. I thought I could trust you.”

“You can!”

“Clearly.” You huff. “Just don’t ever do that again.” You warn Raven, who sits on the bed defeated.

This must be the first fight that you have with her. This must be the first time that she makes you feel like you can’t trust her and it is so fucking painful, even though you know she really meant it well, even thought that annoying voice in your head telling you that she might be right about it all.

It’s just simply not up to her to tell things like that. It’s not up to her to discuss things about you with someone who’s basically a stranger.

Except that Lexa is not a stranger. Maybe it’s even feeling worse because she told _Lexa_ , of all people.

“I won’t do it again.” she promises. “I won’t! I was just… I love you! I was just trying to help Lexa understand why you can act the way you do!”

“Why?”

“Because she cares about you!”

You fall silent.

Raven, too.

“It still wasn’t your place.” You mumble.

“I am just worried about you, okay?” she starts sobbing. “I see you hurt.”

“What? Hurt?” you don’t know what she’s talking about.

“Like I said to Lexa! You just… you don’t think you deserve anything. You just work your ass off, dedicating your life to those kids and you forget yourself, don’t you see?” she tries, reaching out for you.

You let her.

You let her take you in her arms. “I love you, Clarke. Please, just… take care of yourself.”

“I am.” you fight her weakly.

“You don’t get it, do you?” Raven pulls back, her brown eyes watery. “I mean mentally. All those things going on in that brain of yours.”

“I’m fine, Rae.” You forget why you were angry, really.

“And you always say that.” She huffs, smiling a bit. “Just… I love you.”

“And I love you, too.”

“I promise I won’t ever do it again, okay?”

You just nod.

“Go see Lexa. She is probably really uncomfortable.” Raven urges you out of the room.

You have never been more confused in your life.

You shoot Raven a questioning look, but she basically shoves you out the room. You go to Lexa’s room, knocking softly.

“Yeah?” she sounds, voice vulnerable.

You open the door, watching her lie on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

“Hey.” You smile, but she doesn’t really answer. “I shouldn’t have snapped back there, I’m sorry.”

“I probably would have done the same, don’t worry about it. I am the one who is supposed to apologize.” She sits up.

You think she has been crying, but you are not sure. You don’t walk into her room, you just hover at the door.

“No, it’s fine.”

“I heard you and Raven argue.” She motions at the door. “Might be a fancy house, but the walls aren’t completely sound proof.”

“Yeah.”

“I just… I feel bad for going behind your back, Clarke. I am just trying to understand you.” she finally meets your eyes.

“You could’ve just come to _me_ to understand me.” You shake your head, not judging her at all.

“That’s the thing.” She smiles sheepishly. “I am afraid to ask.”

“Why?”

“I am still not sure if you like me.”

“Are you kidding me?” you roll your eyes now. “Lexa, I told you before that… you know, I was wrong about you. I like you. Why don’t you believe me when I say that?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugs, rubbing the back of her neck, clearly not quite comfortable with the situation.

“And I’m sorry about last night.” You blurt out. “I don’t know why you left, just like that. Maybe you were right.”

“Right about what?” her green eyes are piercing.

“That it could be… complicated?” you try, but she shakes her head.

“I was drunk, Clarke. It’s fine.” The tiny smile on her lips tells you that she is speaking the truth. Or at least, you think it does.

“Are we okay?” you hesitate, but you still don’t move.

“Yeah, yeah we are.” She smiles. She just sits up, her green stare intense when you finally get her to look at you.

Your heart breaks at the raw emotions you see playing there. You can tell that something is bothering her, but you can’t figure out what it is. Her smile is sad, and you want nothing more than to comfort her, to make sure that she will be okay.

You feel the urge to take care of her, like you always do when you start _caring_ about someone.

“Can I hug you?” you blurt out.

Her eyes widen in surprise, but you think you can see them light up, even though it’s just a little.

You shuffle a bit closer, watching her rise from the bed.

You open your arms.

She falls into you.

You are there to catch her.

\\\

The ride home is silent. You have too much to think about, really. Raven is quiet, too.

When you park your car at your house, Lincoln and Lexa are fast to disappear.

Raven wants to do the same, but you stop her by wrapping your fingers around her wrist. You tug her inside, going to your apartment.

You push her on a stool at your bar and you simply make her food.

You don’t have much in the house, but you know what Raven likes.

She looks at you, her big brown eyes still filled with something you think is guilt.

“Eat.” You say, handing her a plate of mac and cheese.

She doesn’t seem to care that it’s three in the afternoon. You eat with her.

She remains silent.

“Can you please stop being silent?” you roll your eyes.

“Why? Aren’t you still angry with me?”

“You know I can never stay mad for too long, Rae.” You turn on your chair, placing your hands on her knees.

You make her look at you. “It’s okay, we’re okay.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Now let’s cuddle because I know you have been _dying_ to.” You drag her to the couch, only to search a cheesy movie on Netflix.

You tuck Raven by your side, letting her lean her head on your shoulder.

“I am really sorry.”

“I know you are.” You caress her knee.

“You may not think you deserve it all, but you deserve it the most out of all of us, you know.” She glances up at you.

“Stop flirting with me.”

“I’m not flirting! I am just telling you the truth, okay?” she scowls in a way that just makes you laugh.

“Okay, okay. I want to believe you, Rae.” You fall serious again.

“But you don’t think you can.” She finishes for you, making you nod. “We’ll get there.”

“Whatever you say, Reyes.”

\\\

You have been thinking a lot for the past days. Between work, between cases, in the car, you can still hear Raven’s words echo in your mind.

 _She doesn’t think she’s worthy of love_.

Is it true? Have you really been telling yourself this all your life? Have you been avoiding relationships because you thought you weren’t worthy?

You have no idea. You really don’t know why it is that you never tried to date. You know that you lie to yourself, that it’s only because you’re busy.

And partially, it’s true. You are busy. You’re busy working, but you _choose_ to be.

You don’t have to work those late nights all the time, you don’t have to go to the office on weekends.

Yet, you work more than eighty hours a week, if not more. You work triple shifts, meet more clients than ever before and you know you’re running from _something_.

It bothers you. It bothers you that you can’t seem to stop, that you can’t seem to feel like a normal person.

You hate that you have such an amazing family and all you do is just trying to avoid them as much as you can, working all the time.

You know you should change. You know it isn’t healthy anymore. It’s driving you crazy, if you’re being completely honest with yourself.

And so, you start to reflect on yourself. You start to think about how to change, how to be able to maybe love yourself more.

In a way, you do. In a way, you allow yourself to be loved by others too – you have your family for a reason.

But perhaps you should stop hiding your feelings. Perhaps it’s time to just… face it, like a real adult, instead of pushing it away until it all becomes too much, until you cannot handle things anymore.

It’s on your mind, constantly.

You start by taking some more time off.

You go home just a little earlier than usual. Not at six, but more at eight, or nine in the evening. It’s still late, but earlier than what you normally do.

It’s a big change for you. The moment you arrive home, you actually have spare time and you find yourself texting people around you more.

You start texting Nathan, exchanging stupid GIF’s and share funny stories with the boy. You start drawing again, something you rarely do.

It’s nice, for a change, but the silence around your apartment is still strange. You are so used to being around people. You are used to being alone at the office, but home alone is an entire different story.

You finally decided to stop by the Center at Cathedral Plaza. You end up at the reception, watching a guy in a suit, a blue tie standing right behind the computer.

His hair is waxed back, his grey eyes focused on the screen. His name tag says “John.”

“Are you the John I spoke to on the phone?” you smile at him, leaning on the counter.

He smiles at you, kindly. “Could be. And you are..?”

“Clarke Griffin.”

“Yes! You are here about the gala your parents will hold, right?” he instantly types into the computer.

“Yes.”

“We have arranged it for you. There will be a beamer connected to a laptop. It’ll be projected on the Cathedral.” He narrows his eyes to read. “It says here that there is also a stage, with microphones so you could give a speech if you want to. There are speakers all around, so you can also show videos.”

“Great! Uh, I have a USB stick on me now, would it be okay if I gave it to you or should I just bring it Saturday?”

“Does it only contain your slideshow?” he smiles.

“I have made a video, actually. But yeah, it’s the only thing.”

“Then I can take it. I will make sure that it will be put on the laptop.”

“Really? That is great. Thank you. How much do I owe you for this favour?” you ask him.

“It’s a service.” He shakes his head.

“Sure thing.” You grin, dropping a fifty dollar bill on the counter. “For your troubles.”

“What? No.” his eyes widen. “You shouldn’t.”

“Just take it, John.”

“Call me Murphy.” He grins, taking the fifty dollar bill. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I’ll see you later.” You laugh, tapping on the counter softly before turning to leave.

You are now going to the airport to pick up Aden again. After that, you have an appointment with Monty to see if your tux fits.

You are quicker at the airport than last time. You park your car, grabbing your phone.

You have a text from an unknown number.

 **Unknown** – should I buy a gift for your parents for Saturday?

You think really hard, about who this can be. The number is not in your contacts.

You scroll through your recent calls, only to find it there. The number has called you.

You check the date. You were working late in your office that night.

Oh god. Is this Lexa? Did you never even put her number in your phone?

What kind of careless asshole are you anyway?

You know for sure that it must be her, so you put her in your contacts before you forget.

 **Clarke** – you don’t have to, they will probably be happy enough for you to be there.

 **Lexa** – I don’t want to show up empty handed…

 **Clarke** – they love flowers, but really, you don’t have to buy them anything. There will be hundreds of guests so…

 **Lexa** – flowers? Really?

 **Clarke** – they have all the money in the world to buy whatever they want. They don’t really need anything, but they love flowers

 **Lexa** – okay, thank you. See you Saturday, Clarke

You don’t reply anymore, since you are making your way through the busy airport.

It doesn’t take long for you to spot your twin.

You grin when he sees you, too. He quickly makes his way over to you, hugging you tightly.

“Hey, Adey.” You hold him close. You really have missed him.

“Hey, Clarke.” He smiles when he pulls back. “So how are things between you and Raven now?”

You told him all about the fight you had. He had agreed with you, but he had understood Raven as well.

“We are good, Ade. We have been good that same night.” You grin, taking the suitcase from your brother.

You catch up, Aden telling about wrapping things up on set, how he has been talking to Ontari while he was gone.

You take him home, making him dinner before you move to Monty’s. Raven and Lincoln have agreed to just meet you there.

They hug the living shit out of Aden. You grin when you watch them interact.

You have noticed that Raven is softer with you. She pulls you in for a long hug, pressing a kiss to your cheek before stepping into Monty’s shop.

“Ah! Get in! I have them ready for you to try on.” He seems excited, instantly guiding you to the back room.

Lincoln tries his tuxedo on, first. The moment he steps out the fitting room, you drop your jaw.

He looks so fucking good. The tux wraps around his body like a glove.

He grins when he sees himself in the mirror. “Think I can woo Octavia with this?”

“You can woo all of us with this.” Raven roams her eyes over his body, making you laugh behind your hand.

Aden fits next. He looks just as dapper as Lincoln and Monty doesn’t have to adjust a thing.

“Is it weird when I say I find cummerbunds sexy?” Raven snorts, watching your brother look in the mirror.

“No, it’s not weird.” You agree. There is just something about a man in tux.

Raven is next.

The moment she steps out of the fitting room, you just drop your jaw.

The jacket is fucking perfect. Her slacks tight around her ass, but looser down her legs.

“Wow.” You glance at her.

Lincoln wolf whistles.

“You look hot.” Aden nods approvingly. “Stealing someone’s heart?”

“Maybe.” Raven smirks smugly when she sees herself in the mirror.

“Good move to leave out the shirt.” You grin. You can just see a little bit of Raven’s cleavage and it is perfect.

“Now you.” Monty motions his head to the fitting room, handing you your suit carefully.

You put it on, along with the heels that Aden has bought for you a while back. The fabric of the slacks is stretchy when you put it on.

It fits perfectly, not too tight, not too loose.

You put on the jacket, tucking your boobs in just fine.

You step out. Raven drops her jaw, Lincolns eyes widen and Aden grins.

“You should dress up more.” Raven winks.

“You should.” Lincoln approves, too.

You hesitate when you look at yourself in the mirror. The suit jacket fits absolutely perfect.

Your cleavage is just the right amount, the shoulder filling not too much. You love the black lapels. You smooth it out, tucking your sleeves a bit further down.

You glance at the slacks, turning around to look at your ass.

“Don’t worry, babe, your ass is absolutely fine.” Raven laughs.

“Yeah?”

“You have nothing to worry about, Clarke. You look stunning.” Lincoln smiles, his eyes sparkling.

“Thanks.” You almost blush.

You love the black stripes on the sides of your legs. It gives that playful look that matches with the rest of your jacket.

Your stiletto’s finish the look.

“I can’t wait!” Raven suddenly squeals excitedly. “We will look so hot! Will there be photographers?”

“I have no doubt.” Aden laughs dryly.

You find yourself, starting to wonder what Lexa will think of this outfit. Will she like it? Will she be unable to stop looking at you?

Your thoughts wander off, as you start imagining what she will be wearing. You have no idea if she is the dress or suit kinda type.

“Earth to Clarke!” Raven snaps her fingers in your face with a teasing grin, her eyebrows wiggling. “Wondering what little Lexie will be wearing?”

“Shut the fuck up.” You laugh, pushing her away. Monty checks a few things, nodding approvingly.

“All look good. Want to take the tuxedos home?” he grins when everyone nods.

To be honest, you can’t wait to wear it at the ball. You know you and your friends will look absolutely amazing together.

You grin when you carefully take it off again in the fitting room, only to wrap them around a hanger, just as careful.

You change back into your casual outfit, only to hand the hanger to Monty. He carefully pulls a clothing cover over it to protect it while you aren’t using it.

“Perfect.” Aden grins when everybody is ready to go.

He probably paid, really sneakily, but you are just grateful that you don’t know the price.

You press a kiss against his cheek. “Thank you, Ade. I love the outfit. You know you didn’t have to do it, right?”

“I know.” He offers his arm for you to take while you walk to the car. “But, you are very welcome. I am sure that you’ll make your way into Lexa’s heart within seconds.”

“Really…” you roll your eyes. “What is everybody’s fascination for Lexa all of the sudden?”

“Since you have been drooling all over her the past weeks.” Lincoln cuts in.

“I don’t blame you.” Raven laughs.

“She’s just very pretty, okay?” you grumble, not amused by their behaviour. Clearly you are being obvious for being attracted to the brunette.

You open the trunk of your car, where you and Aden display the suits.

Raven and Lincoln move to his car, parked right ahead of you.

“What time should we meet up? Getting ready at your place?” Raven opts, lingering near the passenger side of Lincolns car.

“Yeah, should be fine. It starts around seven, but it’ll be good if we come a bit early. How about you come to our place early in the afternoon?” you propose.

“I’ll bring my make-up bag.” Raven winks, before dropping herself in the car.

Lincoln waves and you step behind your own wheel, Aden right next to you.

“So, uhm…” he begins, hesitantly glancing at you when you start your engine. “I found an apartment.”

“Really?” your eyes widen and you instantly smile. “Where is it?”

“Santa Monica.” He grins goofily.

You drive, but your confusion must be obvious since he’s laughing.

“It’s not too far from yours. I figured that this way we can easily visit if we want to. Plus, I frigging love Santa Monica. I’ll take that over Hollywood any time.”

You reach out to squeeze his hand softly. “I don’t mind that you’ll be staying nearby.”

“I know you don’t.” he is way too smug.

“If you keep going like that, I might force you to live in Hollywood.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Maybe you don’t know me as well, then.”

“Whatever, Griffin.”

“Whatever, nerd.”

“Geek.”

“I’m not a geek!”

“And I’m not a nerd!”

\\\

Saturday comes too quickly. You find yourself in your apartment, your friends stressing about everything. Raven forgot her tux.

Lincoln forgot his shoes and Aden lost his mask.

You just showered, running around in your robe and your hair wrapped in a towel.

“Sit your asses down!” you instruct, when Raven starts to panic. All their eyes widen as they drop themselves on the couch. “We have plenty of time, relax guys. Raven, are you sure that you have everything here except your tux? Just your tux, in the cover, at your place?”

“Yes.” She breathes.

“Lincoln, besides your shoes, is yours complete, too?” you ask him. He already showered, he is freshly shaven.

He nods.

“Okay, Raven, give Lincoln your keys. He will pick up the missing items. In the meantime, you are going to shower.” You point at the Latina. “Aden and I will search his mask and by the time we are done, we can start on make-up, Rae.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Aden nods and Lincoln rises, already taking Raven’s keys.

“Don’t hurry, Linc. We have several hours left.” You smile.

“You, scoot!” you scoot Raven to the bathroom. You then focus on your brother.

“Where did you last see the mask?”

“My bedroom?” he seems to think deeply. You make your way to his room, scanning the place.

You know Aden can be quite chaotic, just like you can be. He forgets things faster, though, but you know the way he thinks.

It takes you only five minutes to find the mask, somewhere tucked in the back of his closet, a few moving boxes already taking up space in the room.

He picks you up from the floor, spinning you around a few times in happiness.

The moment Raven is done with showering, you join her in the bathroom to dry your hair, right before starting on the make-up.

You do Raven’s make-up first. You don’t give her eyeliner, like she requested, but you do give her an extreme smoky look with the eyeshadow. You don’t give her lipstick just yet, since it is too early for that, but then you move to fix her hair.

You put oil in it to make it smoother, before starting to straighten it out.

You glance at Raven’s face in the mirror while you work from her behind. “You look hot, Reyes.”

“Thanks.” She is grinning like an idiot. She looks really beautiful.

The moment you’re done Raven moves to work on your hair. You just want it loose, some simple curls, your hair parted in the middle. She puts in a product that makes it shine, before moving to work on your make-up.

“Eyeliner?”

“Yes.” You grin. You close your eyes while you feel Raven’s hands working on your face. It takes about half an hour before her to finish.

Then, the two of you move to put on your tuxes, along with the heels. You finish Raven’s last make-up.

Lincoln and Aden are both done as well, standing in the living room looking fancy as fuck.

“Wow.” You grin widely. “We sure are hot.”

“Yes.” Raven grins, her lips red. She wears long earrings and if it weren’t for your _innocent_ crush on Lexa, you definitely would have crushed on Raven right now.

“Could you guys take a picture of me and Clarke?” Aden then says, already tucking you close by his side, handing Lincoln his phone.

Both Lincoln and Raven smile widely when you snake both arms around your brothers waist, his arm loosely thrown over your shoulder. You glance into the camera while Lincoln snaps a picture.

“No need to look so angry, Clarke.” Raven winks at you, laughing when you roll your eyes.

You and Aden start laughing at your friend when she trips over her heels. Lincoln snaps another picture, before handing your twin his phone back.

“And now a selfie!” Aden yells. Raven instantly plastered by your side, Lincoln right behind you and Aden, his arms around the three of you.

You grin at the camera when your brother takes the pic.

“God, we look amazing.” He laughs. “Can I put this on Instagram?”

“Sure.” You don’t mind. You have Instagram too, even though you barely do a thing with it.

“They are gonna love it.” He grins.

“Alright, limousine will be here soon!” Lincoln checks his watch. “Let’s get ready to go.”

You all grab your things, your purse. You stuff your keys, your phone in it. You are actually pretty excited. You are never one to like gala’s, or other big things, but dressing up like this, going with your friends to your parents thirtieth anniversary… it’s just a milestone.

“Ready?” Aden places his hand on the small of your back, guiding you to the door.

“Yeah. Can you believe that they have been married for so long?” you look at your brother.

“Nope. But you know… they’re Hollywood’s power couple.” He laughs. “Nothing can come between them.”

“True.” You grin, following your friends outside. A black matte limousine enters your street.

“Damn.” Raven wolf whistles, laughing when the driver steps out.

“The Griffins?” he asks.

With a curt nod, Aden answers. “Yes.”

The driver opens the door for you to enter. You sit next to Raven, Aden and Lincoln in the back.

The drive is longer than you thought it would be, to the Center of Cathedral Plaza. It’s near the Dodgers stadium and you feel excited, watching Raven, Lincoln and Aden chat happily.

They are excited, too. The limousine stops right on the road, already in a line of waiting cars.

It’s very busy when you glance outside. You see the beige building, the open gate that leads to the closed off plaza near the building.

It is busy with people wearing tuxedos, dresses and masks and you feel the excitement bubbling in your chest.

“Mask up!” Aden orders. All of you put on your masks, wrapping it around your head carefully. You try to tuck the band underneath your hair as best as possible, before slipping out of the limo after Raven.

Lincoln offers his arm to you. Your fingers wrap around his bicep, making him smile down at you. He looks dapper. Neatly shaven, the mask giving him a mysterious look.

Photographers already make their way up to you, clearly not sure who you are since you’re covered with masks.

You glance behind you, only to see Raven’s arm hooked with your brothers. She walks tall on her heels, looking good.

You send her a grin before focusing on the red carpet that rolls from the pavement onto the plaza.

There is security standing by the gate, making sure that only invited people enter the happening on the large plaza.

Lincoln tells your name and his own, and you make your way ‘in’.

You drop your jaw.

The entire plaza has been turned into a giant dancefloor. There are an uncountable amount of tables around it, for guests to sit at.

In the middle of the plaza is a large pole, containing in infinite amount of light cords that move to the edges of the plaza.

Right in front of the cathedral is a large stage, a band already playing some songs.

“How on earth are we going to find them?” you drop your jaw when you see how many people are already here.

“Already did!” Aden walks ahead of you, to the stage, where you indeed spot your parents talking to employees of the venue.

There is a large bar right beside the stage, offering free drinks. You hear the music through the speakers as you follow your friends to meet your parents.

“Mom! Dad!” you fall into your father’s arms. “Happy anniversary!”

“Clarke!” Abby hisses. “You were supposed to keep it secret!”

“We already figured it out.” Lincoln grins. You watch your parents.

They are beaming. Your father is wearing a black tuxedo with a matching black mask. Your mother has a long, elegant black dress and a matching mask with your dad.

“You look amazing.” You hug your mother.

“You, too! Look at you!” your father smiles happily. “You match!”

“Aden _forced_ us to go to his tailor.” You laugh, earning you a smack on the arm from your brother.

“You look beautiful. All of you.” Abby smiles, making you smile too. “We have reserved a table for the ten of us, where we can just sit all night if we aren’t dancing.”

“Ten of us?” you quirk a brow.

“Yes.” Jake grins. “Us six, Marcus, Lexa, Octavia and Anya.”

“Anya?” you look around the group with a sly grin. Aden looks really confused – he must have missed it while he was filming. You watch Raven blush. “Rae?”

“Anya is one of Lexa’s closest friends.” Lincoln laughs. “Just like Octavia. They are all pretty close with Marcus.”

“Oh? And why does that make Raven blush?” Aden seems to be at a loss here.

“They slept together at your goodbye party.” Lincoln laughs, earning him a glare from Raven and chuckles from the rest.

You glance at Raven, giggling when her cheeks only redden more. “Can’t wait to meet the person who can handle our sweet Reyes over here.”

“Fuck you, Clarke.” Raven tries to push you away, but you let out a laugh, pressing a lipstick staining kiss to her cheek.

“You love me.”

“Whatever.”

“Guys, we have to greet our guests.” Jake throws an apologetic look. “I will hold a speech once everybody is here, you can sit at the table or dance or grab drinks, feel free to do anything you want!”

“Dad?” you have to ask. “Is it okay if I give a speech, too?”

“Of course.” Both your parents seem surprised.

“Well, me too.” Aden is by your side instantly. “We have prepared just a little somethin’ somethin’.”

You laugh, wrapping your arm around your brothers waist.

Abby and Jake smile, hugging and kissing you goodbye to greet their guests.

You make your way to the assigned table, watching how photographers make their way in to take pictures of the guests.

It looks amazing. The sun is already lowering, but there are heaters near the tables. There are already people dancing.

Everybody looks amazing. You can’t recognize much people and you are grateful. You’re pretty sure that there will be lots of famous people here, but you don’t care. You have never liked socializing with your parents’ famous friends. You always felt uncomfortable doing that.

You settle at the table while Lincoln moves to grab the first drinks of the night. You tuck your purse safely under your chair.

Lincoln returns with wine.

You sit between Raven and Lincoln, chatting happily, wondering how this night will go.

Your parents clearly invited Lexa too, and you just feel anxious to see her. You wonder what outfit she is wearing.

“I am gonna search the toilets.” You smile, rising from your seat, only to walk on your heels smoothly.

Some people recognize you, trying to make small talk. You just go with it. You may not like it, but it doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of chatting with random strangers who seem thoroughly interested in your love life.

You finally make your way through the growing crowd, strolling into the cathedral to the restrooms.

It’s easy to find and there aren’t many people. You check your make-up, noticing it’s still intact.

You take a quick pee, smoothing out your tuxedo before moving back outside.

You walk, on your way to the table.

That is when you spot _her_.

You only see her back, but you would recognize that spine tattoo anywhere.

You freeze. You watch her speak with Octavia and an unknown woman, presumably Anya.

You notice her outfit. It’s a black halter dress, sparkling with glitter subtly. Her entire back, shoulders and arms completely exposed. You can see her ribs in her sides, before her stomach disappears behind the soft-looking shiny fabric.

The skirt is long and elegant, loosely waving around her legs, the curve of her ass absolutely fucking perfect. You think you see a slit high up her leg when you watch closely.

Lexa’s back is tanned, muscled. You think she is laughing at something Octavia says. You notice her long, long curls tucked in what must be at least a hundred small braids to hold the wild strands in place.

Holy fuck.

Your heart is fucking racing in your chest cavity, your legs don’t seem to remember how to walk, your lungs forgetting how to breathe.

Her laugh. God. The sound of her voice, her proud stance, her hair, her complete outfit drives you fucking insane.

You try to breathe. You manage to take another step, when Octavia spots you. You wave, on your way to the three women. You are really fucking grateful that your body finally decides to listen to what you want it to do.

Lexa turns around.

Fucking hell.

Your throat goes dry, your mind goes just completely blank.

She is all you can see.

Her mask is simple, covering only her eyes. But the bright green pierces right through.

You watch her thick lips covered in lipstick, the wide smile that forms the moment her eyes meet yours.

The dress covers her entire chest, behind held up by her neck only, but the dips of her collarbones show. Her outfit falls around her body so beautifully that you just… can’t take your eyes off her.

You watch her eyes roam over your body. She sucks her lips in, before moisturising them with the tip of her tongue.

You remember so clearly what that tongue can do. A train of inappropriate thoughts enters your head.

You snap out of it, though.

“Clarke!” Octavia grins, giving you a kiss on the cheek. “You look amazing!”

“You, too!” You glance at the black haired woman, wearing a white tight dress with a long skirt. Her mask is white too and it contrasts with her dark hair. “I love your dress.”

“I love your tux!” Octavia laughs, rubbing her hands over your arms. “How is your nose?”

“It’s completely fine, don’t worry about it.” You grin, before finally turning to Lexa and the other woman. You are pretty sure your voice trembles when you speak up again. “Lexa. Hi.”

“ _Clarke_.” Lexa nods, your name softly rolling off her tongue. It makes you shiver. She is close. You have trouble removing your gaze from her. You have trouble with focusing on introducing yourself to the stranger. You watch her gaze drop to your cleavage a little longer than necessary, but you don’t mind.

“You look _stunning_.” Lexa just smiles, her teeth white, her upper lip scrunching up adorably.

“You literally just took my breath away.” you say softly, hoping that the other two women won’t hear.

The brunette’s face turns a deep shade of red, she fumbles with her long fingers. It’s endearing.

“Hi, sorry, I am Clarke.” You finally meet hazel, unfamiliar eyes. They are kind, but guarded. The woman has an Asian vibe over her, her dirty blonde hair loose.

Her mask black, she is wearing a black tuxedo.

“Anya.” The woman smiles shortly. “I have heard a lot about you.”

“Hmm.” You laugh a little. “I hope you didn’t hear all bad things.”

“Just a little.” She winks.

You already like her. You glance around. “Where is Marcus?”

“Chatting with your parents.” Octavia motions to the gate. “So, uh, I know it was supposed to be a random event, but I learned it’s your parents anniversary.”

“It is.” You smile. “It’s supposed to be a secret, though. They’ll reveal it in a speech later.”

“Well, congratulations.” Anya nods.

“Thanks. Hey, I can show you to our table. You can join us there, there is room for you.” you smile, already tucking Lexa with you.

The other women follow until you reach the table. You watch Aden introduce himself to Anya, but Lincoln already seems to know her.

Raven presses a kiss on the woman’s cheek, clearly flustered. You watch with a smile how Octavia makes her way to Lincoln, only to press a kiss on his mouth.

You notice how Lexa hovers beside you, a soft hand placed on the small of your back.

You sit down, Lexa dropping herself right beside you without hesitation. It makes you smile.

It takes about half an hour of chatting and sipping on your wines, when there is a familiar voice sounding through the speakers.

You turn in your chair, your knees bumping Lexa’s in the process, watching your parents stand on the stage. The sky is already darkening, the lights all over the plaza making it absolutely magical.

“Welcome, dear guests!” Jake’s voice echoes through the open space. “We have gathered here today because we all invited you. I am just very happy that you all could join us on this special evening!”

Your mother continues. “This is not just a random event. We invited you here, because we want to share this day with you. We are celebrating our thirtieth anniversary today!”

A lot of screaming and cheering comes from the guests, making your parents chuckle on the stage as they clutch onto each other. It makes you smile. Even after all these years, you can just tell how happy your parents still are together.

You find yourself wanting that, too. Your gaze subconsciously moves to the brunette beside you.

You watch her profile as she smiles at the stage, her eyes sparkling through her mask, her lip scrunched in that way that you love so much.

Her teeth white and bare, the widest grin makes your heart flutter. You want to trace her strong jawline with your fingers, but you focus back on the stage.

“So, please, feel free to grab a table, chat. We have some food coming up! After that, we can dance and have fun. Before we go eat, though, I heard a voice whisper in my ear that my two kiddo’s would like to say something.” Jake searches you and Aden and you instantly rise from your seats.

You make your way to the stage with your brother, a little nervous. Your hands shake when you hug your parents, taking over the microphones as they move to sit at the table.

Your eyes search Lexa’s in the crowd. She is pretty far away, but you spot her nonetheless.

You spot the laptop that Murphy spoke about, seeing that the video is ready to play.

You and Aden both have a microphone as he starts speaking.

“Folks! As most of you know…” he grins when he speaks too loudly. “…those people right there make us believe in true love.”

There is more cheering from the crowd. You grin when you move back to Aden’s side, your mic in your left hand, your right snaking around his waist while a spotlight is fully on you.

“Now, they have had quite the life.” You laugh in the mic. “Always busy, always working on the show. I have heard from secret sources that they were nauseatingly cute. Now Aden and I weren’t always there to witness that, but I tell you, nothing has changed.”

“They are disgusting sometimes.” Aden mutters in his mic, earning him a laugh from the guests. “Anyway, that is not the point. We are here to celebrate their marriage, we are here to celebrate the fact that they are an example for me, for many of us.”

“We would like to… express our gratitude. Mom, dad…” you smile into their direction. “… we are so proud of how far you have come today. We are so happy that things are going so well and I am grateful that we get to share this day, this milestone of you reaching this point in your life. We love you so much!” you hate that you feel the need to cry.

Aden tucks you closer by his side.

You watch how your parents have jumped up to get back to the stage, only to scoot you up in a tight hug.

Jake takes the mic. “And we are very grateful to have these two kids. You have given us everything we could ever wish for, Clarke, Aden. We love you, too.”

A few hugs and kisses are exchanged between you and your family. There are some aww’s and ooow’s coming from the crowd, people clap and cheer.

You take the mic back. “And, specially for you, our guests, I have prepared a little video to show indeed how cute they were.”

You press play on the laptop, and the video is being projected on the building.

You quickly move back to your seat at the table. Pictures and videos of your parents are being shown.

Videos of the gag real of the show where they met, videos of when they got married, when you and Aden were born.

Sneaky videos that people took when they didn’t notice. The crowd seems to love it.

You barely watch it, though. You have seen it plenty of times when you edited it. You know you are in it, too, you and Aden as kids.

But you just look at the women right beside you.

Her eyes are glued to the video, chuckling every once in a while. Her arm leans on the back of the chair, her knees crossed, bumping yours.

She is stunning. Even with her mask on, she is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. You purposely press your knees against her a little harder, trying to get her attention.

She doesn’t look at you, but her hand secretly moves, clearly searching yours. Your fingers lace and you don’t know why it feels so… content.

You don’t know why it feels so incredibly good. Her hand is soft, gentle and warm, fitting yours perfectly.

You start playing with her slender fingers. Her lips twitch up in a smile and she finally turns her head to meet your eyes.

God.

The pull she has over you is just… insane. You just want to thread your fingers in her curls, pull her in for a searing kiss. You just want to press your body against hers and feel her softness. You want to hear her soft voice constantly, you just want to be near her all the time.

She smiles at you. She smiles and the world seems to slow down to a stop. _Your_ world.

The video stops and people clap, cheering when Jake stumbles back on the stage. “Thank you Aden, Clarke, for this giant embarrassment.”

You laugh heartedly, feeling how Lexa’s hand squeezes yours.

You ignore the fluttering of your heart.

“All jokes aside, let’s all enjoy this evening!” he announces and the band starts playing.

Food is being served and you happily chat with everyone at the table.

You drink enough wine to be… slightly tipsy. You don’t want to ruin this evening, so you don’t drink much more.

People start dancing, including everyone at your table.

Except you. And Lexa.

You stand from your chair, bowing in front of Lexa, offering your left hand. “May I have this dance?”

Lexa just giggles, taking your hand. She is probably tipsy, too. But you don’t mind when you drag her to the dancefloor.

You don’t mind when you take her right hand in your left, holding it up while your other hand leans on her side, ballroom style.

You watch her laugh shyly. “I can’t dance like this.”

“Just follow me.” You lean a bit closer, slowly starting a few steps. You guide her, rather smoothly actually.

She leans in further, closer than she has to. You can’t breathe.

You move between the other bodies, your focus only on her.

“How can you dance?” she murmurs in your ear, her cheek almost touching yours.

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me.” You joke, but her green eyes are back in front of yours, looking at you with something you haven’t really seen before.

“I _want_ to know you, Clarke.” She slurs just lightly, but you smile when you press her body fully against your own.

You stop dancing, instead you just sway to the lazy beat. You can feel her arms wrap around your neck, yours around her waist.

There are so many things you want to say, but you can’t find the words. There are so many things you want to do, but you can only look into her green eyes.

You want her. You want to touch her, you want to kiss her senseless. You want to make her feel good, you want to do many things to her.

You lean in to capture her lips with your own softly, not even caring that everybody can see. She instantly moans against you, cupping your masked face with her soft hands to keep you close.

The masks clash, your teeth collide, but you don’t care. You feel her against you and it is all you need. You breathe heavily when she pulls back, her pupils blown.

“Restrooms?” you pant.

You have no say no more. She parts from you so quickly, taking your hand in hers that you are stunned you can balance yourself.

She drags you through the crowd, not caring that she disturbs other people.

There’s thankfully no line for the bathrooms. You press yourself against her when she walks in.

She is so fucking delicate. So fucking soft, so invigorating.

She shudders against you. You think you feel her pressing herself further against you, her ass right against your groin.

Fuck.

You inhale her scent, subtle flowers, musk mixed with a sweet kind of sweat and alcohol.

You can feel her hands atop your own, holding you in place as if she fears for you to leave.

Like you _would_. You almost scoff at the thought.

You feel the need to touch her everywhere, but you wait until you disappear into a stall.

The sound of the music is thankfully quite loud. Despite that, you can hear your heart drumming in your chest as she shoves you against the closed door.

You meet her lips in an open-mouthed kiss, your tongue plunging into hers. You moan. You moan shamelessly, your hands already tucking up the skirt of her long dress.

You feel her hips locking with yours, and you throw your head back, forcing her to kiss down your neck, to your clavicle right under the collar of your suit jacket.

It’s your weak spot, really. It has your knees wobbling, the hairs in the back of your neck stand up.

You already slide your hand down your bodies, right underneath her skirt.

You bluntly tuck away her panties, feeling how she is pressed up against you, the wetness of her lips trailing down your exposed skin.

You slide your fingers through her folds.

“You are so wet already, _Lexa_.” You groan, your eyes rolling in the back of your head in plain pleasure.

She doesn’t speak, she rolls into your hand slowly, her lips moving up to chase yours. Your free hand threads in her hair, roughly pulling her in.

You bite her lip. You suck it, hard.

Your tongue thrusts into her mouth after that, your fingers already slipping inside her with ease.

You barely feel her hand. You don’t feel her fingers, until they graze down your stomach in the softest way, underneath the jacket.

She pops open your slacks.

Her nails announce her presence as she slides into you just as smoothly as you into her.

You ride her fingers, she rides yours, very sloppy but you don’t give a damn. It feels too good, your wetness drips on her hand and you moan deeply.

You moan as if your life depends on it the moment she curls her fingers into you. You wrap on leg around her hips to just be able to feel more pressure. To be able to feel more friction because you fucking need it.

You almost forget to take care of her. You almost forget that you are fucking her just as hard as she’s fucking you.

You remember, barely, when you are gasping for fucking air, at a loss for words when you can feel your orgasm build already.

“Stop.” You order, your voice dangerously low. She flinches back, her eyes wide in shock.

You grin in amusement when the parting gives you better access to her. You press her against the cold tiles of the wall, lowering lightly to pump into her roughly.

In this moment, you are so grateful for the loud music. You can feel the tremors of her moans underneath your lips as you ghost over her delicious neck.

You can feel her hands on your shoulders, pressing you closer while she makes the sexiest movements with her hips.

Her eyes are closed, her mouth o-shaped, letting out frequent moans that are reserved only for you.

She comes faster than you anticipate. She comes all over your hand, making a mess but you don’t care.

You keep going. You even go faster, thrusting into her. Her nails dig into your skin and you are sure it’ll leave you to bleed.

You stifle her growing moans when you shoot up to kiss her passionately. She doesn’t seem to know what she has to do with herself anymore when she crumbles against you, her lips unable to move as she comes _again_.

Harder than ever. You can feel her hot _fluids_ dripping down, her hips bucking into you so frantically that you wonder how much aching she will feel in the morning.

She collapses into you, but you _catch_ her. You catch her and you press kisses against her cheek, in her neck, letting her recover from her high.

“Fucking hell, _Clarke_.” Her eyes are wide, her pupils blown as she is able to look down at you, breathing so heavily you think she might have run a marathon.

“What?” you grin smugly, but her lips are on yours instantly. You reciprocate quickly, catching her in her drunken stupor.

“You will kill me one day.” She murmurs in your ear, leaning against you so heavily that you stumble back over the toilet.

“Lexa.” You hiss, trying not to laugh. “Try and hold it together.”

“You just gave me the best two fucking orgasms of my life, how can I hold it together?” she slurs, her half-lidded stare almost goofy when she looks up at you, her fingers wrapping around your biceps to hold herself steady.

“You’re an idiot.” You grin. “Let’s get out of here.”

She fights you. Almost literally. “You are not going _anywhere_.”

She presses your front against the tiles she occupied before, her lips on your cheek.

Heat shoots to your core, desire through your veins. An instant moan escapes your lips. Her newfound dominance startles you, but it turns you on to no end.

You feel her hand pressing against your centre from behind. You press your ass into her. She slides back into your slacks, tucking it down low enough to fuck you.

You turn before she can enter you, though. You need to see her. You need to watch her, because you are _addicted_ to her.

You pull her in for a searing kiss, feeling your orgasm build the moment she enters you again.

You moan against her plump lips, bucking your hips frantically when you can feel yourself coming to your highest point.

Pleasure explodes between your legs, your legs give out, but she holds you. You stop breathing, your eyes wide as your body seems to tremble entirely from that one single orgasm.

You collapse in her arms when you ride out your incredible high. You try to catch your breath, leaning against her heavily.

You nuzzle your face in her neck after removing your mask. You hold her tightly, in a strange kind of hug.

She grips onto you tightly.

“Come home with me tonight.” You almost beg her when you pull back. You watch her remove her mask.

God.

Her green eyes flicker between your own, her pupils blown. Her lips bruised, her lipstick smeared. You are once again reminded that this woman is the most beautiful creature you have ever seen.

You can’t stop looking at her, your gaze roaming over her face, wondering how on earth she could be like this… this angelic, this godlike even.

Those green eyes, a shade of green you have never seen before. Her strong bonestructure, that soft skin.

Those thick lips that you love to have against your own. Yeah, you admire her to no end.

It’s not just her beauty that captivates you. It’s the way she looks at you right now, that intense stare, her lips slightly parted to allow just the tiniest, hot breaths.

“Okay.” She finally answers, leaning in, lazily kissing you, but it is all you need, really. You slowly move your mouth against hers, your forearms resting on her shoulders.

You still pant when you lean your forehead against hers. Your heart still racing.

The _need_ for her never fades. The need to be around her is just too much.

You feel her hand cupping your chin, so gently that you barely even feel it. She urges you to look up.

“Why are you crying?” her eyes worried, her voice so, so vulnerable. You didn’t even realise you were crying.

You laugh through your tears. “We just fucked in the restrooms of a cathedral.”

“Is that why you’re crying?” she smiles softly, but you shake your head.

“It must be the alcohol.” You look into her eyes.

You instantly forget it all again. She cups your cheeks, wiping away the leftover tears.

“You shouldn’t cry.” She mumbles, her eyes flickering between yours and your mouth. “You’re too beautiful to cry. You should be laughing all the time.”

She leans in again. It’s just a lingering peck, really. Her lips grazing over yours, before she pulls you into another hug.

You bury yourself into her. You inhale her, take her in. You need her, more than you think you do.

You care about her, more than you think you do.

All you have to do is let her in.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter is 3000 words longer than usual. hope you guys enjoyed it! let me know, please :)
> 
> i will probably upload the rest the coming two weeks. i have decided i WILL write the epilogue from Lexa's pov, since you guys were up for it, so i still have to write that one.
> 
> also, do you guys like nate? do you want more fluff with the boy?! (sorry he wasnt much in this chapter)
> 
> (i also stole Lexa's speech from the song from nuages, its called lost. i just loved it, so all credits go to the artist!!!!!)


	7. the fear of trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a few more chapters to go!!!
> 
> so it took me a while to complete this chapter. i have been rewriting it, so hope you all like this final version!

\\\

The rest of the night is absolutely amazing. You dance with just about everyone – your parents, Aden, Lincoln, Raven and even Octavia and Anya want to dance with you at some point.

You are clearly intoxicated, though. All of you are, while the other guests sometimes try to get your parents’ attention, you just dance.

At some point, Anya even swirls you around and you stumble into her arms laughing loudly. At some point you feel some bodies pressed into your own, Raven behind you, Octavia in front of you, your arms wrapping around each other. Lexa is being pulled against the black-haired girl and you tuck Anya between yourself and Raven.

It’s fun, really. You make a line, dancing around and you don’t feel like you’ve only met Octavia less than a handful times, you don’t feel like Anya is a stranger.

You even dance with Kane and your parents, Aden somewhere to be found, too.

But mostly, you dance with Lexa. You dance with her, because you can’t stop looking at her, you can’t stop admiring her muscular, but thin figure, her curves, the sharp hook of her shoulders.

The tattoo on her spine, those green eyes behind the mask. You are so fucking addicted to her. You can’t stop. You can’t stop looking at her, you can’t stop thinking about her the moment you part from her. It’s insane, really, what she does to your head, your heart.

You don’t know what it means, though. You don’t know what it means that you feel the constant need to hold her, to make her laugh with one of your crazy antics. You don’t know and it frightens you.

You end the night with your parents, while the rest of the guests leave slowly. You just hang around, chatting with everyone drunkenly, laughing about the stupidest things. Lexa’s arm is wrapped around your waist all night and nobody even seems to notice.

And you don’t mind it. You don’t let her leave your side. You love having her against you, you love feeling her warmth throughout the night. It makes you feel so incredibly happy that you can’t wipe the smile from your face.

You steal glances from her, whisper things in her ear that are only reserved for her.

You share moments with her that you want to remember forever, because god, she is one hell of a woman.

You find her endearing and sexy at the same time. You find that she seems softer around you than around the rest. You observe how she speaks to others with a guarded look on her face even with Anya and Octavia, but her voice is quieter and more delicate when she talks to you.

You wonder what it all means. You want to know what she feels, what she thinks, why she is by your side all night. You want to know why she can’t seem to stop smiling that gorgeous smile that makes your hear thud heavily against your ribs. You want to know why _you_.

You want to know it all, but you are afraid to ask. You are afraid that you might read her wrong, you are afraid of what it all really implies. You just don’t think you’re ready to go there, wherever ‘there’ is.

But you enjoy the night, thoroughly.

You tell your parents that you have been wanting to give them a gift, but not something physical.

They are too drunk to really understand, so you decide to let it slide, making a mental note to just tell them later. The entire plaza is empty, besides the ten of you.

You, Lexa. Raven, Aden, Lincoln, Anya, Octavia, Marcus and your parents. You watch how the band is starting to pack their things.

You have Lexa by your side the entire time, not even caring that everyone only now seems to notice now the plaza is empty.

Your thoughts instantly move back to those strange feelings. You’re not ready to accept certain thoughts, certain feelings. It confuses you, all of it, just because it’s so fresh, so new and you feel like it is all just going unnaturally fast.

The moment comes where you say goodbye to everyone. You give them all big hugs, even Anya, who seemed guarded towards you at the start of the evening. You have grown quite fond of her, though. She’s witty and very sharp, even after drinking. You love Octavia too, the girl reminds you so much of Raven. You noticed how Raven and Anya pull together.

You noticed how in love Lincoln has been looking at Octavia all night and it just makes you smile how happy everyone seems.

But you say your goodbyes, thanking your parents for the amazing night. They tuck you in a tight hug, mumbling drunkenly how happy they are to have you and Aden.

You quickly escape after that, taking Lexa with you before anyone notices.

The cab ride is quiet, but your head buzzes a little. Your hand never leaving _hers_.

You stumble into your apartment in the middle of the night, laughing when Lexa catches you. You are a little drunker than you were before, but you don't care. You watch her laugh as she tries to steady you while you try to kick your door closed.

You fail. You stumble further into her, making her take a few steps back while she holds onto your clothed arms, laughing loudly at your clumsy antics.

You finally manage to stand, now pushing the door closed. Lexa leans against your dresser. You take off your heels and she does the same thing before pulling you closer.

You hover in front of her. You take off her mask gently, careful not to pull her hair while doing so. You watch her look at you, her green orbs big and wanting, thick lips subtly parted.

You run your fingers through her hair, feeling just how soft it is. You untangle some of her braids, feeling her hands lean on your hips while you do so.

You press your hips against hers when you finish with her hair, cupping her cheeks.

"You... you're so beautiful." you mumble, glancing at her red, plump lips. They part further, the tiniest smile tugging on its corners. Her gaze is intense when you meet her eyes.

You lean in. You're gentle when you press your lips against hers, instantly sinking into her. She wraps her arms around your waist to pull you closer softly, while you slowly deepen the kiss.

It's new, really. It's different from earlier tonight. It's sweeter, gentler and you find yourself enjoying every minute of it. You pull back, though.

You find yourself just wanting to _look_ at her. You find yourself admiring her, her beauty, the way she carries herself around.

You lower your hands, taking hers in your own to guide her to your bedroom softly.

Once there, your body can’t seem to wait as it presses your lips against hers before you even know it. You enjoy her against you, you enjoy her company. You move to unclasp the high collar in the back of her neck, smoothly sliding down her dress. You notice that she didn’t even wear a bra, just… bare breasts underneath the dress.

Her hands are in your neck softly, holding you as if she is frightened you will pull back.

Your hands roam over her body softly, your nails tracing each line, each curve, wanting to remember it all. The fabric is pooling at her feet while she stands, in her underwear.

She seems frozen. You pull back, a questioning look in your eyes. She just smiles. Her hands slide from your neck to your chest, on their way to undo the button of your jacket.

"Just so you know, my boobs are taped." you smile in amusement when she opens your jacket, her hands sliding right back up to your naked shoulders to take it off. She does it so gently that you wonder why.

"Interesting." she chuckles lightly, her eyes glued to your chest. She gently pulls off the tape, leaving you in your bare torso, only your trousers still on.

You press your smile against hers. Her hands fly up to cup your face, holding you close while your hands discover her newly exposed skin once again. She is so beautiful. Muscular, but soft at the same time. You love _feeling_ her. You softly explore her mouth with your tongue, while she opens your slacks, letting it drop to the floor.

You feel how she deepens the kiss, her body hot and smooth against yours. You tuck her panties down.

You take your own down, too.

You softly push her towards the bed, the back of her knees softly bumping the edge. She drops down with a soft thud, her hands in yours.

She looks up at you, her eyes green and big, even in the dim light of your room, looking at you with... something you don't know what it is. You don't know why she is looking at you so intensely.

You don't know why her thumbs caress your palms when she pulls you closer. You don't know why her bottom lip trembles when you nip on it, slowly lying her down on the bed as you straddle her.

You don't know why she lets out a drunken tear when you kiss her deeply.

You don't ask.

You just show her. You show her that everything will be okay, that she is okay, that she is safe with you. You let her know when you show affection, when you take all the time in the world to make her feel cared for. To make her feel good.

Because that is exactly what she deserves.

\\\

You don't want to wake up. You want to sleep. There is no sun shining in your face. You hear rain tickle against your windows roughly, creating a cosy atmosphere in the room.

You smile when you remember the night before. You smile when you remember how good it felt to have Lexa with you all the time.

You turn around, noticing that she is not in your bed.

You wonder if she left. You wonder if she left you.

You're not sure how to feel about that. It's just strange. You like having her around, you like having her in your bed. You like talking to her, even though you understand that you barely know a thing about her. And yet, you feel like you've known her forever.

Yet, you feel like she is all you really know in your life and the thought just scares you. You don't really know what to do about it. You know you're feeling something... different. Something that you can't really identify, something _new_. It excites you just as much as it scares you.

You sigh, slipping out of the bed, throwing on a hoodie and some leggings before making your way to your kitchen.

A smile breaks on your face when you notice her lying on the couch, swiping through her phone.

"Morning." you say, smiling when she is clearly startled. She shoots up, sitting up straight, turning to face you.

"Good morning, Clarke."

You make your way to the kitchen, trying to hold back the smile on your face when you watch her eyes sparkle, her smile radiant.

You find yourself inviting her to stay the rest of the day, since it's raining and you feel guilty for just sending her away. She seems hesitant about it, but caves in when you bribe her with a lazy day just watching Netflix.

You don't know why you let her stay. You watch the back of her head, her messy bun as you brew coffee from your kitchen, leaning on the bar. You watch her scroll through Netflix, her feet tucked up on the couch.

You don't really know why you feel at ease, but some strange sense of panic at the same time. You notice how you are smiling when she mumbles something while checking her phone, completely forgetting about you for a moment.

It's endearing.

You grab something to eat. You finish the coffee, grab two mugs and walk over. You hover one mug in front of her. She looks up at you, smiling brightly.

Why are you being so weak? Why do you feel all mushy, just wanting to kiss her deeply but at the same time, you want nothing more than to kick her out because it is all just too much? You want to be alone and think, but you can't. You can't think straight (no pun intended, really).

When you look at her, you just... you can't think of anything else. It's just _her_ and it doesn’t make sense, it confuses you. You drop next to her on the couch.

"Have you picked a movie yet?" you wrap your hands around the mug, feeling a bit cold. It's pouring outside and you already closed your balcony door.

You grab a blanket, throwing it over both your laps.

"No. I don't know what you like to watch." she smiles at you. God, that _smile_.

"I can watch anything." you smile back, your gaze lingering on her face longer than necessary. You watch her look at you. You watch her eyes roaming your face, as if she is searching for something.

She turns her head back to the screen, starting a cheesy movie. Your eyes are on the TV, but you don’t follow anything, really.

You just sit there, your thigh touches hers, your shoulder leaning against hers. Your heart is racing and you try to hide the fact that you’re breathing faster than usual.

You feel a certain peace coming over you, though. It’s the best feeling in the world, just sitting here, having Lexa with you, just… watching a movie.

You don’t notice yourself drifting off into a deep slumber.

\\\

You are stuck. You groan a bit, feeling incredibly hot. You are very comfortable, though, just lying softly on the couch.

Or rather, on top of Lexa.

Your eyes widen in realisation. You want to retract, but you don’t want to wake her either. Your head lies on her chest, your lower body between her legs.

You feel her protective grip around you, holding you in place, as if she’s afraid you’re going to leave. It makes you… smile.

It’s cute. It makes your heart flutter in a way it hasn’t before. You escape her grip, though.

You are starving and you think it’s getting late, so perhaps Lexa should get home. But she is asleep, and very cutely so.

You carefully slip out of her grip, hearing her grumble something in her sleep. You chuckle softly, now fully away from her. You tuck her under the blanket, making your way to your bathroom to take a shower.

You are starting to wonder where the hell Aden went. He didn’t come home last night and he hasn’t returned so far, so perhaps he has been sharing the day with that Ontari girl, a girl you have yet to meet.

You close your eyes when you stand underneath the hot water, massaging your own shoulders lightly.

You see flashes of the night before, remembering how Lexa had been with you, all night long. She had been looking at you, talking to you, dancing with you.

As if you are her number one priority. She had been looking at you with that intense, green stare and you try to figure out what it means, exactly.

You wash your hair as you try to figure out what it is that you’re feeling, because it’s sure as hell not casual. Lexa sure as hell isn’t just a fuck, not anymore.

She isn’t just a _friend_. She’s more than that to you. Even though you know that you barely speak to her when you don’t see her in real life, you know you just… you just want to spill out your entire heart to her, but you don’t.

You just feel like you would bother her with that. You just feel like you would bother her with everything that isn’t related to sex.

But her green stare pops up in your mind again. You are starting to think that perhaps she wouldn’t mind.

Perhaps you should try to get to know her a bit more, _trust_ her more. Because it just… feels right.

You smile. You smile when you realise that she is probably still sleeping on your couch, in your apartment, and for the first time, you don’t feel that panic suffocating you.

For the first time, you are actually more than okay with it, because you just enjoy her company so much.

You know you care about her. So maybe now, you can figure out what the hell it is between you and her.

You finish your shower, quickly drying yourself before putting on a fresh pair of tight joggers and another one of your favourite hoodies.

You put your damp hair in a messy bun, quietly slipping into the living room. You watch Lexa. She is lying curled up on the couch, softly snoring. Her face towards the backrest, her hands tucked under her chin, knees pulled up.

The blanket starts falling off, so you just lift it to tuck her in again.

It’s still raining, but it’s cosy, really.

You do something that you haven’t done in ages. You watch her shift, turning to the other side, her face pointed to you. You grab a sketchpad, some charcoal and you start drawing her.

Out of sheer boredom, you trace the lines of her face on paper, smiling when you notice one hand propped under her chin adorably.

She looks like she is thinking deeply, perhaps she’s dreaming something. You smile when you keep drawing, her stern face, that tiny crease between her eyebrows, her flowy curls draped around her head. The way she’s tucked into your hoodie, right under the blanket.

It melts your heart. You watch how she starts squirming uncomfortably, so you instantly move to sit on the couch, trying to wake her.

She shoots up with her green eyes wide in shock but the moment she sees you, she softens.

“Nightmare?” you smile, watching her sit up, running a hand through her curls.

“Uh, yes.” She nods.

“What was it about?” you ask her, but she shakes her head softly.

“It’s nothing.”

“If it bothers you…” you lay your hand on her knee, making her look into your eyes. “…you can talk to me. But I understand if you don’t want to.”

“It’s… I sometimes dream about the day I lost my parents.” She shrugs, pursing her lips. “We were in a car accident.”

You watch her fumble with her slender fingers.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” You softly remind her.

“No, I do. I do, but it just… it feels stupid.”

“It’s not. You went through something that not a lot of people go through.”

“It’s been twenty years, Clarke.” She rolls her eyes at herself. “One would think that I’d be over it, now.”

You smile at her. You do something you rarely do – you slide your arm around her shoulder to pull her closer.

“I’ve seen so many kids, Lexa. So many kids hurt by what they’ve seen, by what they went through. Things like nightmares aren’t stupid. It’s okay to relive it every once in a while.” You feel her arms snake around your waist, leaning into you completely.

“Yeah.”

You want to say more, but there is a knock on your door, startling the both of you.

You instantly rise from the couch, Lexa too. You notice your sketch lying there, unfinished.

She sees it. She looks at it, a tiny smile tugging on the corner of her lips.

“It’s uh… not finished yet.” You mumble, before quickly going to the door.

A hungover Aden stumbles inside, instantly leaning on you heavily.

He instantly sees Lexa in the living room, a grin appearing on his face.

“I keep interrupting you, don’t I?” his tux is clearly worn, a few subtle stains on his jacket. “I’ll go to bed.”

“Where did you go?” you raise a brow.

“Ontari.” He keeps grinning. “Good to see you again, Lexa.”

“You, too.” She stands in the living room, her hands clasped behind her back, seeming to be slightly uncomfortable with the situation, but thankfully, Aden moves to his room.

“I should probably go.” Lexa just mutters, her thick lips sucked between her teeth. She avoids to look at you. Her gaze instead moves back to the sketch. “I didn’t know you could draw so… beautifully.”

“It’s an old hobby.” You admit, regretting that she has to go. You watch her gather her things.

“You can just borrow my stuff again, it’s no problem.” You already grab her the pair of Nikes she took before.

“And I will return it again.” She smiles hesitantly, as if she wants to say more.

“Take this.” You hand her an umbrella. “Don’t want you getting _wet_.”

She snorts at that. She chuckles, and you laugh with her, your hand on the small of her back.

You tuck her into a hug. You don’t care what this must look like, you just need it. You need her to hold you, just a little longer. You can feel her arms around you and you nuzzle your face in her neck, inhaling that typical scent of musk and flowers.

You love it. It’s so… her.

“Thank you for uhm… letting me stay today.” She pulls back with a shy smile on her face, before moving past you to the door.

“Yeah, no problem.”

You watch her leave without another word.

\\\

You are working late again. The second time this week and it’s only Tuesday. You just have too much to do this time, really. You have to catch up on paperwork and this time, it’s not a lame excuse.

Lincoln wanted you to go home, but you insisted on staying just a little longer.

Trying to finish your never ending reports.

You sigh when you lean your head on your hands, the rest of the office dark while you sit in your tiny corner office.

It never ends, so it seems. Your pc sounds like it might explode, but it always does. You search your private phone, only to find that you have a missed call from… Lexa.

Just two minutes ago, she tried to call you.

You raise your eyebrows in surprise, calling her back.

“Hello.” Her voice is soft, you hear some traffic in the background so you figure she must be somewhere outside.

“Hey, it’s me. You called?” you bite your lip, smiling when you hear a small chuckle.

“I did. I uh… I hope I’m not overstepping, but Lincoln might have mentioned that you were still at the office and I uh… I brought you coffee.”

“You brought me…- are you here?” your eyes widen in realisation.

“Actually, yes.” A nervous chuckle sounds through the phone and you are unable to wipe the goofy grin from your face.

“I’ll be right down, just a minute, okay?” you smile, hanging up the phone. You take the keys to be able to let her in, quickly running down the stairs.

You melt when you see her. She is standing near the door, trying to shield herself from the pouring rain.

You watch her stand on the pavement, through the glass door. Wearing simple slacks and button up, she has two Starbucks coffee cups in her hands, a bag dangling over her right shoulder.

Her hair is up in a messy ponytail, her head cringed in a failed attempt to escape the rain. You know she can’t see you yet.

You watch how she nervously bounces on her heels and you wonder why she does that. You wonder why on earth she would be nervous by doing something so adorably cute that you just can’t stop yourself when you basically run to the door to open it for her.

“Hi!” you smile widely, letting her in. You check your watch – it’s just a little before eleven in the evening.

“Hey.” Her smile is radiant, her hair and clothing a bit damp from the weather. Her voice soft and cute, she holds up both cups. “I didn’t know how you’d take it so I brought one black coffee and one with extra cream and caramel.”

Your heart can’t stop fluttering. “Uhm, I’ll take the black one if that’s okay with you. You shouldn’t have done that, Lexa.”

“I wanted to. I mean, uh, I was in the neighbourhood anyway.”

You can tell that it’s a lie, but you find it endearing so you don’t say anything.

“Do you want to come up?” you invite her.

“Uh, sure.” Her green eyes finally meet yours as she hands you the black coffee. She smiles from ear to ear and you just… you want nothing more than to just kiss her.

But you don’t.

Instead, you take the stairs up to your floor, only now noticing how crappy the office truly is. It’s nothing new, nothing fancy, just an old office with colourful carpet and ugly wooden walls.

“So you’ve been talking to Lincoln?” you smile when you guide her to your corner office.

She sits down in one of the chairs opposite your desk, but you remain on your feet as you glance between her and your view outside, your shoulder casually against the window.

“Uh, yeah, Octavia made this group chat with like… the ten of us – you too. You haven’t really responded so I figure you haven’t seen it yet. Don’t ask how she got all of our numbers but I just… uh… I wanted to surprise you.”

“You did.” You smile, taking a sip. It’s strange. It is weird to have her in your office. “Are you here to tell me I should work less?”

“No, I’m not.” She smiles. “If you want to work, you should. I mean, I am worried about your health, but it’s your life. I just… wanted to see you, I guess.”

“Why?” you watch how she sips from her own coffee, standing from her seat to join you at the window.

She doesn’t really answer your question. You hear her heavy breathing, as if she’s trying to find words desperately.

You keep looking at her, curious as to what is going on in her head. Then, she turns lightly, her green gaze piercing into your eyes. God, she’s beautiful.

You watch how she leans in, just lightly, blinking a few times. You are just... _frozen_. You think she is about to kiss you when you turn your face back to look outside.

You are a fucking _coward_.

"Uhm..." Lexa's voice is bewildered, as if she just realised what she did. "Sorry, I... I don't know..."

"No, I… I’m sorry." you try to smile at her, but the moment your eyes meet hers, you feel like something is wrong. You see something in her eyes that just breaks your heart.

"I can't do this, Clarke, I shouldn’t have come here." she puts the cup of coffee on your office, moving away from the window frantically. "I have to go."

"What?" you are confused. You watch her starting to panic as she grabs her bag, trying to open the door, basically fleeing out of your office.

"Lexa, what the hell?" you follow her, wanting to grab her, but she manages to escape through the doors, to the stairwell. You run after her.

You run after her, kicking off your heels because you can’t catch up otherwise, completely barefoot. You run down the stairs, trying to get her to stop, but she flees.

You pant when you storm outside, right into the rain. You're instantly soaked to the skin, watching how she tries to stop a cab, but thankfully, the vehicle is already occupied.

"Lexa!" you go to her, shivering in the chilly rain. " _Lexa_ , what is going on?"

You search her green eyes, but she tries to avoid you. Her ponytail slides out her hair, her curls soaked. Her face covered in water, she finally turns to look at you.

"I can't do it anymore, Clarke." she mumbles, her shoulders slumped, a pained look on her face.

You step closer, but she takes one step back. You want to reach out, but you don't.

"What do you mean?" you feel panic rise in your chest.

"I can't just.. sleep with you, okay? I can't sleep with you and not talking to you when we part the next morning. I can't stay in your apartment watching Netflix when you are clearly not interested in _me_." she rambles. "I can't look at you without wanting to _kiss_ you, I can't look at you without just wanting to make sure that you are okay, but you _clearly_ don't want the same.”

"What?" you're flabbergasted. "What are you talking about?"

"You... you don't want _commitment_ , Clarke." she breathes. Drops sliding down her cheeks. You're not sure if they are tears or if it's the heavy rain. “I am just someone you _fuck_ every once in a while.”

"Lexa, I... that’s _not_ true." you can't speak more. Your eyes are wide in shock as you look at her.

You watch how she steps closer, taking your face between her hands. She kisses you. Hard, desperate. You reciprocate instantly.

You realise that this is the first time you are kissing her without being drunk. You find that you absolutely fucking love the feeling.

Just when you want to move to hold her, she pulls back, flustered and completely panicked, breathing heavily when she stumbles back. You reach out.

"Lexa, talk to me!" you beg her. Your fingers wrap around her wrist, but she shakes her head, pulling back.

"You don't get it, do you?" she laughs, but it sounds hollow. You just want to take her in, you want to hold her, you want to drag her out of the rain.

"Get what?!" you are growing frustrated. You need to hear it. You need to hear what she has to say.

"Just… everything! You don’t get that there are people _caring_ about you, worrying about you and you won’t even let them!” she seems desperate, her eyes filled with pain. “You just… I… I just want you to be happy, okay? I just want you to enjoy everything and you don’t, you just… you work ridiculous hours, you sacrifice your spare time to play soccer with Nathan and you are just the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I just… you’re so fucking selfless and you act like you’re not, you act like you’re fine but I can see… I can _see_ you, Clarke.”

She is flustered. You are, too. You gape at her, hearing her words.

“What are you saying?” you murmur, wanting to reach out, but she steps further back.

She laughs again, with the same emptiness it had just before and it hurts. The tickling of the rain seems distant, but you shiver when the water seeps through your clothes.

“I just can’t take it that you don’t understand the way I see you, I can’t take it anymore that you don’t see _me_ the way I see you!”

“How do you see me then?!” you almost scream. You need her to say it. You need to _hear_ it, otherwise you won’t believe it.

“See this face?" she points at herself, biting her lips in frustration. "This is the face of someone who _loves_ you, Clarke."

You part your lips in surprise. You watch her turn around, only to flee away from you. Your eyes follow her, until she disappears around the corner.

You don't even feel the cold rain, you don't feel your button up sticking to your damp skin anymore. You feel _alone_.

You just stand there in the rain, trying to comprehend her words, trying to understand what the hell just happened.

 _She loves you_.

She just told you that she loves you and you let her go. You _let_ her go. The past few days you have been wondering what it is that makes Lexa act the way she does.

The past days you have been wondering why she looks at you with that typical gaze, always that smile tugging on her lips, her green eyes sparkling.

Now you know.

Now you finally know and it scares the living shit out of you. It scares you so much that you can almost feel your heart beating out of your chest.

It scares you so much that you can’t breathe, that you can’t move as you stare into the darkness of the street, the rain seeping down your body.

It scares you just as much as it makes you feel _whole_. She confessed her love for you and you let her run.

You run after her. You know she has probably disappeared, but you try anyway. You run on the pavement, in the rain, barefoot, chasing after the woman you care about, so much.

She is gone when you glance around the corner.

You have never felt more alone. Tears burn your eyes. You turn around to get back to the office, only to realise that you locked yourself out. You jerk at the handle of the door aggressively, as if that is going to make it open.

You smash your hand against the glass, leaning your forehead against it.

"Fucking great." you mutter. You don't have your phone with you, it is still somewhere upstairs.

You groan in frustration, moving to the store that is just around the corner, grateful that the store is open 24/7. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, could I maybe use your phone?" you ask the older man standing behind the counter. He smiles friendly.

"Of course." he hands you an old portable phone.

You call Lincoln. You know that he can let you in. You leave the store the moment you hang up the phone, smiling at the man.

You don't care that you are waiting in the rain. You slide down the wall right beside the door, hoping that maybe someone will come early to let you at least in the building, but you know there won’t be anyone. You’re always the only one in the building at this hour.

_"This is the face of someone who loves you, Clarke."_

The words echo in your mind. The realisation dawns upon you, but you don't know what to do. You care about Lexa. You care about her more than you thought you did.

You just want to be around her all the time and make sure that she is okay, that she is happy. You want to make her laugh and you want to hold her and you have done nothing but keep her at a safe distance.

You’ve done nothing but push her away, but let her close enough just to enjoy the sex. You’ve been using her and you feel horrible for that.

But you care. You care so much more than you thought you did and you feel like an insensitive asshole for behaving the way you did.

You care. And you fucked it up.

You _know_ that you care. You know her, you have seen her. You have seen the _real_ her, probably more than you thought you did.

You pull up your knees, hugging them tightly while the rain seeps down your body, making you shudder. You feel the need to cry, so you do.

You don't care who will see, you softly cry while you wait for Lincoln to save you.

You cry when you realise that you might love Lexa, too.

\\\

You sit for at least half an hour, but you don't care. You feel like you deserve it – the rain, the cold. You feel like you're being an asshole, an insensitive prick who only cares about themselves. You _mislead_ Lexa. You made her think that she was just a fuckbuddy to you, that you never cared.

You don’t blame her for running off the way she did.

The thing is, you should have known. You should have known with the way she looks at you. You should have known from the start, and you didn’t. You refused to believe that someone amazing like her would care about you _that_ way.

You’re a blind fucking moron and you blame yourself.

You hear a car pull over. You watch Lincoln almost run to you, a worried look on his face.

"What happened?" he squats in front of you, his large hands cupping your cheeks, making you look at him. His brown eyes are just too much for you.

You break into sobs, falling against him. He just lifts you up while you cry, softly opening the door with the keys, taking you upstairs to your office. He puts you in your chair, moving away to find some towels to dry you.

“Don’t want you getting sick. How long have you been out in the rain?” he looks at you with worry on his face, gently trying to get you a bit dryer.

“Hour? I don’t know.” You sob.

You reach out for him, though. You need somebody to just hold you. At this point, you don’t know who you are anymore. You don’t remember who you are and why you act the way you do and it is just terrifying. It all just seems to come crashing down on you, now, all at once.

You cry your eyes out, clutching onto him tightly, trying to remember how to breathe.

He shushes you, he holds you. He makes sure that you are okay and you know you need him right now. You need his wise words, because you know he always thinks with his heart.

"Lexa." you crack out, your eyes looking up at brown ones.

"What about her?" he just smiles, as if he already knows what happened.

"She... she told me she _loved_ me and then she ran away." you sob again, pressing your face into his shoulder.

"What are you going to do about it?" he mumbles in your ear, cupping the back of your head comfortingly.

"I don't know."

"How do you feel about _her_?"

You remain silent.

_You can't do this._

_You are not one to be in relationships._

_You aren’t able to love, you don’t deserve that._

_You’re meant to be alone._

“I think I _love_ her, too.” You admit, despite the voice in your head telling you aren’t worthy. You admit it, while you hear that whisper in the back of your head telling you that you can’t, that you shouldn’t.

“I thought so.” Lincoln grins. “Just… get yourself a bit dry, okay? Get dressed properly and get that poor girl.”

“She must hate me.” You refuse to let him go. “I just… fucked her. I fucked her and I don’t talk to her and she deserves so much more than me, Linc.”

“Clarke, look at me.” His voice is stern, his eyes boring into your own. “You are amazing, okay? You care so much, you love so deeply. You are so fucking loyal to the people that you care about the most and I know that you can be that for Lexa, too.”

“She hates me.” You cry.

“She loves you.” he rolls her eyes, but smiles nonetheless. “She cares about you. If you don’t go to her to _get_ her, go anyway. At least give her some closure, okay?”

“Okay.” You nod. You are drenched. Lincoln is, too. He softly presses a kiss against your forehead.

“For the record, you _do_ deserve someone like her. I’ve seen the way she looks at you, Clarke. She cares so much, just let yourself be loved for once?”

“ _If_ she wants me. If she’ll forgive me for being an asshole.” You fight your insecurities. You fight that every fiber in your body just wants you to hide.

You listen to Lincoln instead. You attempt to dry yourself a bit, watching Lincoln hovering in your office.

“You knew, didn’t you?” you ask him then, meeting his playful eyes.

“Knew what?”

“You knew that I _love_ her.”

“I’ve known it for quite some time, we all have. I just… waited for you to figure it out yourself.” He winks. “Clarke, sometimes… sometimes you forget the most important things in life. I know that your family means everything to you. Me, Raven, Aden, your parents. I know that you would give anything in the world to make sure that we are okay, but we want the same for you, yeah? We want to see you happy.”

“I am happy.”

“You’re not. You’re just pretending to be.” He shakes his head, leaning against your doorframe. “You may not notice, but we see it. We see how you try to keep up the façade in order not to make us worry, but I see it, every time I come into your office and you are working so hard you don’t even hear me coming in. I see it every time you don’t think anybody is watching you and you deserve happiness, too, okay?”

“You think Lexa makes me happy?” you put your hair in a bun.

“I have seen her around you. The gala was just confirmation of our suspicions. Clarke, that girl loves you more than anything. She lights up around you and you light up around her. You are _you_ when she is around you.” he smiles.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He nods. “I know that we are alike like that. But well, I may be a little… less selfless than you are. I know where you’re coming from and I know why you’re doing it, but it isn’t necessary. The amount of foster kids isn’t going to lessen the more time you spend here.”

“I…” you give up.

“Just go get her, okay? Be happy _with_ her.”

You are ready to go. You take your things. You hug him. You hold him tightly, thanking the gods above for an amazing friend like him.

“I love you, Lincoln.” You glance up at him.

“And I love you. Go. I’ll lock things up here.” He nudges you, softly urging you to go.

And you do.

You move.

You finally get the courage to face your actual feelings, what it is that you actually _want_.

You should’ve done this a long time ago.

\\\

You stand in the rain once again, this time protected by an umbrella. You hover near her door.

You tremble, nerves running through your veins when you raise your hand to ring her bell.

You bite your lip.

You _hesitate_.

The voice in your head has grown stronger, the voice telling you that she wouldn’t deserve someone like you.

You think of what Lincoln said to you, though. You press the bell before you can change your mind.

You take a step back, looking up at the building. Nothing happens.

You ring again, a little more desperate now. Nothing happens, again.

You grab your phone, calling Lexa, but it goes straight to voicemail.

“Lexa, if you’re home… please, open the door? Let me in? I… you’re not just… you _mean_ something to me, okay? Please, let me explain. Give me a chance. I’m sorry..” You hang up the phone. You wait.

You wait, checking your phone, but nothing ever happens. You wonder if she’s even home. You worry about her.

You call her again, but voicemail sounds instantly. “Lexa, please? I will wait here for you forever if I have to…”

You feel tears stinging your eyes. You wait. About ten minutes pass and nothing happens, nobody exits or enters the building. Lexa is nowhere to be seen.

You feel the need to give up, but you don’t. You try to figure out what to say to her if you’d see her.

You wonder if she will be able to forgive you for the idiot that you are. You are so lost in thought, that you don’t notice the door open.

You don’t notice Lexa slipping out, not until she joins you under your umbrella, startling you.

“Lexa?” you breathe hopefully.

“I thought you would have left by now.” She says softly, just a foot away from you. She looks like she has been crying, she looks horrible and you want to kiss her, telling her that everything will be okay.

“You let me wait?” you huff, making her smile lightly.

“I couldn’t face you. Not yet.” she shakes her head, looking down at her feet. The tickling rain on the umbrella almost makes it… cosy.

“Lexa?” you cup her chin with your free hand, your eyes searching hers with despair. “You are _not_ just someone I fuck every once in a while.”

Her breath hitches in her throat, her eyes widen, bright and hopeful. It is so genuine and raw that your heart almost shatters just looking at her in her fullest vulnerability.

“I…” you search the words. “…I care about you, okay? I know I suck to be around, I know I am an asshole most of the time and I know that I’ve made you think that I don’t care, but I do. I care. About _you_ , in fact. I care about you and I hate that I didn’t see it before, I hate that it took me so long. I hate that you had to spill it to my face for me to finally see it. I… can you forgive me for being an insensitive asshole? Can you forgive me for leading you on, for using you while I really just… I _wanted_ you, Lexa. I _want_ you. I want you more than anything and it fucking _scares_ me just to think about it and I-”

She cuts you off with a kiss. You’re startled when she presses her mouth against yours, her hands cupping your cheeks so gently that you can barely even feel them. You drop the umbrella to be able to hold her as tightly as you can, while you desperately cling onto her.

Your lips chase hers, you sigh into her. You breathe when you pull back lightly, your forehead leaning against hers. You let out a shaky breath, feeling the rain seep over your heads, your faces.

“I _just_ dried myself.” You grumble, making her chuckle.

“ _You’re the one_ who let go of the umbrella.”

“ _You’re the one_ who kissed me.” You bounce back, smiling when you open your eyes, seeing that she is looking at you.

Her hands are still on your cheeks and your skin just burns. You’re on fire.

“I’m scared, Lexa.” You whisper, closing your eyes again. Her loving gaze is too much for you to bear right now. “I want you, but I’m so _scared_.”

“I want you too, Clarke.” She breathes, pulling you in for a hug. You hold onto her tightly.

You nuzzle your face in her neck, not caring that you are still in the pouring rain. You need her to hold you, to remind you that you will be alright.

“And I’m scared, too.” She murmurs in your ear. “But can we please go inside? I’m cold.”

You grab the umbrella.

You smile, nodding when she already guides you inside, your fingers threading together.

Once in the elevator, you tuck away a few strands of wet hair from her face, behind her ear. She leans into your touch.

“How could I have been so blind?” you wonder aloud, smiling when her fingers wrap around your wrist to keep your hand against her cheek.

“Because you’re _you_.” she smiles, one arm sliding around your waist to pull you closer.

“You barely _know_ me.” You mumble softly, your noses bumping.

“I know _enough_.”

The doors slide open and you quietly follow her into the apartment. You notice a blanket stuffed on her couch, as if she’s been lying there before she came downstairs.

You take a moment to just take in her apartment, something you haven’t really done before. It is so typically her. It’s mostly white, light grey floors and darker grey furniture. It’s neat and organized and it is so much like Lexa.

“I uh…” she glances down at her soaked outfit. “I want to change into something dryer. Do you need something, too?”

“I need a hot shower.” You cough. You can tell that she’s worried. “I kinda locked myself out of the office after you left.”

“How long have you been in the rain?” her eyes widen as she steps closer. “Get under the shower, you idiot.”

“Yes, ma’am.” You laugh. She wants to leave to get changed, but you keep her near you with your hand. “Care to join?”

“Clarke.” She chuckles. “Maybe we should talk first.”

“We can talk after.” Your voice lowers. You reach up to pull her into a searing kiss, a kiss that takes your breath away. A kiss that makes your heart race, your knees wobbly.

Yeah, you are so in love with this woman.

How much you need her is just ridiculous. She answers by pulling you closer by your hips, walking backwards to the bathroom.

You lift her shirt, she raises her arms as you slide it over her head. Her curls fall around her face messily, making her blow away the wet strands of hair.

It’s adorable, really. You clear her face with your hands, pulling her in again as you stumble through her apartment.

She smiles into the kiss, taking off your button up. She unclasps your bra. You kick off your shoes, feeling her bare torso against your own and the feeling is addictive.

You moan into her, feeling so at peace when her hands thread in your hair.

“Wait, Clarke.” She pants, leaning her forehead against yours.

You smile. “Yeah?”

“You didn’t just say all those things just to get me to have sex with you, right?” the openness in her green eyes when she looks into yours breaks your heart. It breaks your heart that you made her think that she’s only good for sex.

You take her face between your hands. “I don’t _just_ want to have sex with you, okay? I want _all_ of you. If you… if you want to stop having sex we can do that. We can take it slow. I can _wait_ for you.”

“No, it’s not that.” She shakes her head, but you make her look into your eyes again.

“I want to know _you_ , Lexa. I want to know everything. I want to know what makes you laugh, hell, I want to be _the one_ to make you laugh. I want to know why you do things the way you do, I want to know your story, I want to know all your favourite things, all of it.” You breathe. You realise how much of this is true. It’s all just true and the longing you have for getting to know her might be bigger than anything else in this moment. “I just want to… care about you. I just want to make sure that you will be happy, if you’ll let me.”

Her lip is trembling by now. She doesn’t say more when she pulls you closer roughly, your lips crashing together in a desperate kiss. Your arms move around her waist, holding her tightly, your bare torso’s touching everywhere, sending shivers down your spine.

Her warmth is all you need.

You sigh into the kiss happily, trying not to deepen it too much. It’s just… emotional. You can feel her arms leaning on your shoulders as she changes angles, only to deepen the kiss anyway.

Her tongue is gentle when it strokes your own, her lips moving against you with ease. You’re so far gone already. She tucks on the hem of your slacks, opening the button to slide them down your legs.

You tuck off her pants, too. She presses you into the glass cabin, turning on the water.

You both yelp when the water is still freezing cold, making the both of you laugh while you clutch onto her. Her laugh makes your heart skip a beat. The way her green eyes sparkle is just the most beautiful sight in the world.

You watch her wide smile, her upper lip scrunched up in that cute way it always does. You pepper her face with kisses when the water turns warm, making her squirm laughingly in your arms.

She fights you, grabbing your face between her hands to capture your lips with her own once again.

You instantly fall into her. You press her back against the cold tiles, your leg between hers. You deepen the kiss, your tongue fighting with hers in the best way possible. You pour everything in that kiss. You try to let her know that she means so much more to you than she thinks she does.

Her soft whimpers tell you that she might get the message.

You can feel her lips move down your jaw, sucking on the pulse point in your neck, making you throw your head back to give her all the access she needs.

You moan when you feel her fingers tease your nipples, her hips softly grinding onto your leg.

You lean back, kissing her hard. Your teeth clash, she sucks your bottom lip between her own. She moans loudly when you gasp into her, meeting her hips with a roll of your own.

You lower your hands, sliding over her toned stomach, between your bodies. She pants by the time you arrive at her centre.

You slip your fingers through her folds, already so familiar with her body, with her responses.

Her teeth sink in the skin of your shoulder, her arms pulling you closer. You kiss her everywhere, her arm, her shoulder, her neck. Her clavicle, back up to her jaw, her addictive earlobe.

She shudders against you when you softly slip two fingers inside of her, nudging your nose against her cheek with a smile, your eyelashes tickling her skin.

She gasps for air when you slowly pump into her, the hot water streaming down your bodies. You love her softness, you love the way she moves into you with that certain sexiness.

You love how she clutches onto you like you’re the only thing keeping her going. You breathe in her ear, holding her close. Her nails dig in the skin of your back, but you don’t mind.

You thrust into her softer than ever, but hard enough to feel her walls starting to clench. You curl your fingers just enough to hit that spot, adding another digit right after that.

Her eyes widen suddenly, a low moan escaping her lips. “Fuck. I’m gonna… _oh_.”

Two more thrusts and she collapses in your arms. You hold hear against you, you support her, pressing soft kisses on her cheek, in her neck, before she is able to look back up at you.

You hold her tighter than necessary, just to remind her and yourself that things will be okay.

Your noses bump. You keep your eyes open, meeting an intense green stare. You can _see_ her, now.

You can _read_ her, now. You finally understand. Her emotions just raw behind those orbs, the love radiating from her smile. It warms your heart. It makes you feel complete.

You feel like you’re finally _home_.

\\\

“So.” You start. You lie on the couch, Lexa on top of you, her face nuzzled lazily in your neck. You know you should sleep, because it’s past midnight and you both have to work tomorrow, but neither of you seem to care.

You want to talk about this, first. You _have_ to make things clear.

You have your arms around her tightly, her lower body pressed between your legs. You have your nose pressed in her damp hair, already addicted to the way it smells like her shampoo.

“So.” She repeats, toying with the strings of your hoodie.

Well, technically it’s _her_ hoodie. It’s the hoodie you stole from her the very first time you slept with her.

The blood-stained Georgetown hoodie, except she somehow managed to get out the blood completely.

“I am not good at this.” You chuckle nervously.

“Neither am I.” she looks up, pressing her lips against your jaw and your eyes instantly flutter closed. You enjoy the feeling of her breath tickling against your cheek, you enjoy her lips on you.

“We should probably… you know, take things slow.” You offer weakly, leaning down to capture her lips with your own. She retracts after a few seconds of lazy kisses.

“We should. Does that mean we should stop having sex?” She hums, nuzzling her face back in your neck. It gives you goosebumps, but you won’t admit that to her.

“If that is what you want.” You gently scratch her scalp, sighing in plain content.

“No, I want to have sex with you.” she laughs softly. “It’s really good.”

“That is true.” You chuckle with her, pressing a featherlight kiss against her soft forehead.

“So, uhm… do you want to… you know… go out with me sometime?” you ask, a little shy. You have never really done this before.

“You haven’t dated before, have you?” she chuckles, her grip on you tightening lightly.

“No, not seriously.” you say in all honesty. You have had a boyfriend in high school, went on a few dates, but that is about it. “I have no idea how this works.”

“I do. And I would love to go out with you sometime.” She looks up at you again, her green eyes close.

You stroke her hair, gently scratching her scalp for a moment more, just taking her in. Your heart is beating fast and you don’t know if it’s fear or excitement. Probably both.

“I know that I have been… rude.” You start, but she shushes you.

“Don’t, Clarke. You don’t have to explain yourself.”

“I feel like I do, though. I… I had a rule.” You giggle. “I had this stupid rule that I would never sleep with the same person twice. You made me break it so easily, but never did I think… never did I think it could be more, you know? I mean, it felt different from…”

“…other fucks?” she giggles.

“Shut up.” You press a kiss against her forehead. “But yeah, it was different from the start.”

“Yet you left me, stealing my favourite hoodie.” She teases again.

“I did! I never stayed after sex. It’s a miracle I didn’t sneak out _right_ after sex.” you giggle, holding her close. “But… I… okay I am not good at this, I don’t know how to explain.”

“It’s okay, Clarke.” The sigh that escaped her mouth is content.

“It really scares me, you know.” You murmur in her hair.

“I know. I could see it in your eyes.” She chuckles lightly. “It’s why I was so afraid to… admit my feelings for you.”

“So you have feelings for me?” you grin smugly.

“Clarke, I told you I loved you. I think that that about covers it.” She presses a kiss in your neck. “I have to apologize.”

“What for?” your eyes widen.

“I ran away after I told you.” her voice is barely even a whisper. “I told you and I left you there, just because I was afraid your answer would hurt me. I just… I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I gave you enough reason to run.” You cup her chin, softly leaning in to press a kiss on her lips.

You just lie there for several more moments, your head spinning with the still new information.

She _loves_ you.

“Clarke?” she sounds quite hesitant.

“Yeah?”

“Do you remember when we were in your parents pool and you asked if I ever loved someone?”

“Yeah, you said you had.” Your grip around her tightens. You need her, really. You need her close, you need it to remind yourself that perhaps you deserve her after all.

“I was talking about you.” she murmurs, looking back up at you. Her eyes are so open and honest, almost afraid for admitting her feelings for you.

It hits you hard, really. It hits you hard when you look at her, when you cup her cheek with your hand. It hits you everywhere when you realise that… she was right.

She was right about everything, about love, about creating your own world. You know now that Lexa is your world.

You just look her in the eyes, not able to speak.

She loves you.

And you haven’t said it back. You can’t, just… not yet.

“I can almost hear you thinking.” She mumbles, her gaze moving from your eyes to your lips, roaming your face with doubt written all over her features.

“I can’t say it back yet.” You whisper, holding her tightly as to remind her that you are not going anywhere. “I can’t… I’m just…”

“Clarke.” She sits up a little, straddling your hips. Your face between her soft hands, green eyes meeting blue. “Just because I told you doesn’t mean you have to tell _me_ , okay?”

She is so soft with you. So sweet, so gentle. It’s almost too overwhelming. You cannot understand why you haven’t seen it before, why you didn’t notice her sweet behaviour around you.

Perhaps you did notice. Perhaps you were just too terrified of what it might mean.

“Okay.” You simply nod. She leans down. Your lips instantly search hers, as if they have a mind of their own.

You sink into it. You pull her closer by her hips, feeling how she deepens the kiss instantly.

You smile against her lips. “We should probably get some sleep. I’ll go home.”

“You can stay.” Her breath is heavy, her pupils wide. “If you want to.”

“I would love to.” You smile, wanting to get up to sleep, but she pushes you back into the couch gently.

You want to speak, but her lips shut you up. Her demanding tongue already in your mouth, you can feel the heat pool in your lower stomach already.

“You drive me crazy.” She breathes.

“You said that before.” You smile, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ears before taking her face between your hands.

“Because it’s true.”

Her mouth is on yours again before you know it. You pull her impossibly close, your hands roaming over the soft skin underneath her hoodie.

You moan into her passionate kisses, unable to stop yourself when you softly nudge her hips to encourage her to grind into you.

She does. You groan when you watch her for a moment, rolling her hips into you smoothly. She’s so fucking sexy and she doesn’t even know it. You already start panting heavily, cursing the way your body responds to her this way.

You claim her lips again, steadying her. Your tongue fights its way onto her mouth, exploring every corner. Her hands pull your hoodie over your head.

You do the same to her.

“You’re so addictive.” You grin while she gasps against your mouth.

“Hmm.” Her eyes are closed, she throws her head back the moment you slip your hand into her pants.

You are met with her pooling arousal, instantly moaning when you attach your lips to that one spot underneath her ear that you know makes her squirm.

“Oh.” She gasps, bucking her hips into your hand, but you tease her.

You tease her near her opening, your fingers softly exploring her folds, her throbbing clit.

“Fucking hell, Clarke.” She is breathless. She roughly crashes her lips to yours. “Fuck me.”

“Yes, ma’am.” You kiss her hard when you can feel her body pressing into your own.

You slip your fingers into her softness, instantly moaning with the way her walls clench.

She rides you, clutching onto the nape of your neck as she gasps in your ear, letting out those low moans that drive you crazy.

She comes quickly, trembling in your arms, her walls clenching roughly, trapping your fingers inside of her. You can feel the liquid seep down your hand while you hold her steady as she rides it out, pressing kisses against your ear, your cheek.

You pull back your hand, licking your fingers before sucking them clean. You can see her eyes darken at that as she pushes you down to lie.

She doesn’t waste time when she tucks down your pants, pressing kisses near your hipbone that tickle, making you writher. She sucks on your skin, excruciatingly slow. You feel goosebumps everywhere.

You place your hands in her hair, already knowing how wet you are.

You yelp in surprise when she suddenly attaches her tongue to your clit, a jolt of pleasure shooting through your veins, making your hips buck.

“Fuck.” You moan, your eyes closed as you can feel her tongue on you. It’s one of the best feelings in the world, really.

You can’t stop moving when she adds a finger, sliding it inside of you with ease, instantly curling in that spot where you need her the most.

You groan, not able to stop moving against her.

It doesn’t take long for you to come to your highest point as you shudder against her, pleasure exploding between your legs, running through your entire body.

You tuck her up, kissing her deeply. You taste yourself. You enjoy her lazy, sloppy kisses.

“We should get some sleep.” You murmurs against her lips.

“Yeah.” She smiles, pulling back to help you up. Your legs are wobbly, though.

She notices, lifting you up with ease, your legs wrapping around her waist.

You nuzzle your face in her neck, already yawning.

You almost miss how she places you in her bed. You almost miss how she presses a kiss against your forehead, whispering a soft goodnight.

You just wiggle into her, letting her hold you as you drift off.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, let me know what you think and thank you for all your love!!
> 
> after this it'll be mostly fluff. a little more angst on the way but no cliffhangers dont worry
> 
> also i never asked BUT: what do you guys think of clarke and aden as twins???


	8. i love you, too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, 19.5K words tonight. 
> 
> before you start reading, i kinda want to say something.
> 
> firstly, i want to thank you all for the love and responding to every chapter, it has been cheering me up. its done a lot of good. i mostly post at night and i love waking up to notifications of you guys commenting on my story, so thank you soooo so much!
> 
> secondly, i have been experiencing some writers block. its been hard for me to put into words what i want to tell you through my story. its been hard to find the right words, the right events in the story and i have been rewriting this chapter over and over and i just... i chose this storyline. its nothing heavy, i promise. there will just be some angst (not really related to clexa together) and it might be heavy for some but i dont think it will be a big deal.  
> i just hope that you guys will love it. i have been really insecure about certain choices in my writing and sometimes (not in this story) i receive comments that just makes me want to delete every word ive ever written.
> 
> so, i hope you guys will like where this goes. once again, thank you for all the love!!!!

\\\

You wake up with an arm wrapped around your waist. Your muscles ache and you know you shouldn’t have stayed out in the rain last night.

You feel a cough tickle your throat, but you try to hold it back for Lexa’s sake. You hold her arm around you, feeling her warmth radiate to your own body. You feel terrible, but you remain in her grip.

You can hear the tiniest snores, her breath tickling the back of your neck. It makes you smile.

It is still dark outside, though. The soft moonlight shimmies through the curtains, making you able to vaguely look around the room.

You know you probably won’t be able to sleep anymore, despite the early hour. You sigh happily though, closing your eyes. You enjoy having Lexa with you.

You enjoy feeling her against you, having finally made the decision to try with her.

You know she’s worth it, you just know. You know that you will have to earn her trust, to earn her love, but you know you want to.

You will prove yourself to her wherever you can, whenever you can. The only thing you need is time.

You can’t move too fast, you know this. You can’t just jump into this completely without accepting it first, without getting used to it.

You must accept that there is somebody who loves you, who _wants_ to love you. It’s hard for you and you don’t know why it is so tough for you to comprehend.

You have let people love you before – your parents, Aden, Lincoln and Raven. You know they love you and you love them, too.

But this kind of love is different. It’s closer, intimate and it scares you the longer you think about it. You just wish it were easier.

But perhaps, it wouldn’t be love if it _was_ easy.

But you are willing to fight, because you know deep down that you love her, too. You know that you want to make her happy, that you want to make sure that she’s okay, that she will get what she deserves – in a good way of course.

Because she deserves the world. You don’t know much about her, you know this, but you know _her_ , you know where her heart lies and she is just too good for this world.

She’s patient, she is kind, she cares. She cares deeply, you can see that. You could see it in the way she treats Octavia, Anya and Marcus.

You can see it in the way she treats you, the way she handles your parents and your friends even though she’s new to the family.

You could see it in the way she treats Nate, too. That image is just burned into your mind – her holding Nate at the hospital when you stormed into your fathers room. Her, playing soccer, smiling at the boy when he wasn’t watching. Her being his teacher, taking the time to talk to him before you picked him up back when James couldn’t.

It’s written all over her. The care she has.

And you want to know her. You want to know everything, what shaped her into the person she is today.

You just pray that you are good enough for her. You pray that this will work out, that you will have faith that you will be enough, because you need her.

You don’t know why, but you just need her.

It’s changed so fast, but you’ve kind of always needed her and you didn’t even know it. You know that you’re yourself around her.

You know that you feel good to be yourself around her. You can’t hide yourself from her, you can’t hide from your feelings around her and you wonder how someone is ever able to uncover that in you.

She didn’t even do it on purpose. You hold her tighter. You push yourself further into her.

Memories flood your mind. Memories from the first night you met. How you were drawn to her big green eyes, her wide smile, the way she looked at you as if you were everything she knew in that moment. How incredibly attractive she had been, still is.

You remember seeing her for the second time, how angry she had been with you. How frustrated she acted around you and perhaps you realise only now that she cared, even back then.

You remember how she warmed up to you, though. How she admitted to you that she had been wrong about you. You remember how you had been wrong about her, too.

You remember how you tried to push her out of your mind, but every time you’d see her, you just had to _have_ her. You didn’t even do it purposely. It’s always just been lingering in the back of your head.

She’s always been on your mind, even when you thought she wasn’t.

You can feel her stir behind you, subtly.

You don’t realise you’re crying until she mumbles a soft _what’s wrong_ in your hair. You don’t realise your crushing her hand with your own until she tries to turn you around.

You can’t face her now. Not like this. Not when you’re just an emotional mess, not when you feel like shit, both mentally and physically.

“Clarke.” Her voice is raw with sleep, filled with worry as you subtly tremble against her.

You don’t even know why you’re crying. You turn around in her arms, feeling her warm lips on your forehead instantly, her arms tucking you closer.

You sniffle a few times, trying to hold back, but the moment her fingers soothingly trace the bare skin of your spine, you let go.

You press your nose in her chest, wanting to hide your cries, but the way she holds you tells you that she knows, oh she knows.

She lets you cry. She doesn’t shush you, she doesn’t tell you it’ll be okay, she just lets you cry it all out and it is all you need.

Her fingers keep running up and down your spine, underneath the shirt you’re wearing. You try to focus on her touches. You try to focus on her lips in your hair, her body against your own.

“Why do you love me?” you choke out.

She lets out the tiniest chuckle when she pulls back from you subtly. “Clarke, look at me.”

Even in the darkness, you can see her. You trail your eyes up to her face, watching her soft smile, her twinkling eyes.

“I love you because you’re you.”

It’s your turn to chuckle. “You don’t know anything about me.”

“You said that yesterday, too.” Her hand moves to cup your chin lovingly, her thumb caressing your jawline. “I’ve _seen_ you, you know. I see how you are with the people you care about. I’ve seen you at work, when you were at the office at an ungodly hour, working for those kids. I love you because you care, because you’re selfless. You don’t care about yourself –which is not always a good thing- but you put others before yourself and I admire you for that, okay?”

You just hum something.

“I… besides that, you’re just really fucking pretty.” She smiles brightly, almost lighting up the room.

You chuckle at that. “Thank you.”

“I think… I think I’ve been in love with you the moment I first laid eyes on you.” Her voice is now barely even a whisper, so soft, so quiet that you almost miss it.

“You didn’t know me at all back then.”

“No, I didn’t.” both her hands move to cup your face. “But there was just something about you that I couldn’t resist.”

“My inappropriate outfit?” you laugh.

“That, too.” Her lips kiss your nose softly. “But just… you were radiant. You were beautiful and you looked happy and I just knew I had to know you.”

“You must have hated me for leaving before you woke up, that I used you for sex.” You can feel your walls building again and you know you should let them down around her, but you’re not sure if you can, not completely.

“If anything, I used _you_ , Clarke.” Her tone is sterner now, forcing you to listen to what she has to say. “I didn’t say anything, I let it happen just as much as you did. This is not on you, okay?”

“Why didn’t you tell me before? Why didn’t you tell me that it wasn’t just sex for you?” it’s your turn to cup her cheeks while you hold her close.

You throw one leg over her hips to pull her as close as possible, needing to feel her against you. Needing that subtle reminder that she wants you.

“I didn’t say anything… for the same reason I ran away last night.”

“You were scared that I didn’t care?”

“I was scared that you wouldn’t see me the way I saw you, yeah. I was afraid that… I would lose you completely, because having just a part of you was better than nothing at all.” She smiles shyly now.

“I’m glad you told me.” You just say. “I am glad you did, because I wouldn’t have. I don’t think I could have, not even after I would realise my feelings for you.”

“So you have feelings for me?” her grin is smug but soft. It is everything.

“I do.” You admit quietly. You just look at her for a few moments, watching her lie here, feeling her. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”

“Good point.” She dips her face down in order to kiss you.

It’s soft. She’s soft. It’s a delicate kiss, barely even a kiss – just your lips brushing.

It’s everything you need, though. To feel her softness against you, the way she treats you so carefully. You are the one to deepen the kiss subtly.

You move your lips, loving to have her against you like this, your breaths mingling when you change angles to meet her parted lips with your own.

You swipe her bottom lip with your tongue, instantly slipping into her when she smiles against you. It’s addictive, really. She tastes like sleep and mint at the same time as you lazily kiss her.

She is the one to pull back, though. “You’re hot.”

“Thank you.”

“No, I mean literally.” She chuckles shortly, but it falters when her eyebrows crease in worry. “You’re burning up.”

“Well, that’s probably because I stayed out in the rain.”

“Couldn’t you have sought shelter?” her cool hand on your forehead is absolutely welcome.

“I could have.” You shrug, closing your eyes.

“You’re sick.”

“Hmm.” You hum, pressing yourself further into her. You just want to be held.

She gets the hint. Her hands move to hold you against her. “We have a few hours left. Sleep, Clarke.”

“Lexa?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for… caring.”

“I’ll always be here, Clarke.”

\\\

You really are sick. You feel worse when you wake up to an alarm sounding through the room. You groan, turning around in Lexa’s arms.

She barely moves. “Lexa.”

“No.”

“Wake up. Your alarm is really painful.” You mumble, pressing your face in her neck, nuzzling yourself into her to make it impossible for her to turn off her alarm.

“Lemme sleep.” Her voice thick, she sounds whiny and adorable. “I like sleep.”

“Me too, which is why you should turn off that alarm of yours.” You sigh, noticing she’s not moving.

You groan again, before crawling over her clumsily, hitting her alarm clock. You feel too weak to move back, so your legs still lie over her, your torso sprawled over her empty side of the bed, your head dangling over the edge.

You giggle when you feel her tickle the back of your knees. “Lexaaaa.”

“Claaaarke.” She pulls you back to lie next to her.

“You have classes to teach.” You mumble. “It’s not weekend.”

“Don’t remind me.” She pinches the bridge of her nose, finally accepting that she should wake up. The early sunlight shines through the curtains this time. “And you, you’re calling in sick today.”

“I’m fine.” You sputter, already wanting to slide out the bed to prove that you’re not sick at all, but her hand is on your forehead before you know it.

You swat it away teasingly.

“ _Clarke_.”

“Lexaaaa.”

“Stay home.” The words slip from her mouth, but they don’t go unnoticed by you.

You grin. “I’m not even home.”

“Stay _here_ , then. You can use my stuff. You’re not going to work like that.” She shakes her head, sitting up to stretch adorably.

“I can just go home, I have my car here.” You yawn, feeling your muscles ache. All you want to do is say in bed and just sleep.

“You can stay here, Clarke. Go sleep and go home when you feel better.” She smiles, pushing you into the mattress softly. Her green gaze is worried but sparkling at the same time.

You pull her in for a kiss. “Okay.”

“Good.” She smiles, pecking your lips one last time before slipping out the bed, moving away. You can hear the shower turn on and you turn around in the bed, falling back asleep before you know it.

\\\

You go home the moment you wake up again. You don’t want to be in Lexa’s apartment without her – it just feels like you’re invading her privacy.

You shoot her a quick text, saying that you’re going home. You call in sick, too.

It’s something you’ve never done before in the time that you work for Jaha and it makes you feel strange, but you do it anyway.

The moment you arrive home, you take a hot shower and collapse onto your couch with a cosy blanket, watching TV. You realise that Aden is probably at Ontari's.

Before you can focus on anything, Lincoln calls.

“Hey.” You murmur, hiding yourself under the blanket.

“You called in sick.” He huffs, sounding… amused. “Are you really sick or are you having crazy hot sex with Lexa all day?”

You choke on air, making you cough.

“I’ll take it that you are really sick.” He chuckles, but it falters. “Do you want me to make you some food later? I can come between appointments.”

“No, no, I’ll manage.” You breathe. “Thank you, though.”

“Okay, well, let me know if you need anything. How did it go with Lexa last night?” he continues, genuinely interested.

You instantly smile. “It went really well, uhm… I asked her out.”

“She forgave you?” he teases.

“I think she did.” You smile when you remember the night before.

“Does this mean we can go on double dates now? You with Lexa and me with Octavia.” He chuckles happily and the sound is good. It has been so long since you’ve heard the guy so happy and it makes you smile from ear to ear.

“Yes. Things are still going well between the two of you?” you grin, proud of your friend.

“Yes. I am going to ask her to be my official girlfriend soon.”

“Hey, Linc?”

“Yeah, Clarke?” his voice is soft.

“I am happy for you, I really am.” You admit quietly, before feeling that annoying tickle in your throat again. You take a sip of the bottle of water on your coffee table.

“Thank you. I am happy, really. And I am proud of you, Clarke. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so… real.”

“Blame Lexa for that.” You joke. “If it weren’t for her I don’t think much would’ve changed.”

“True.” He giggles. “But still… I am proud that you are allowing yourself this, Clarke. It doesn’t matter who caused that, I just… I am proud that you see it now.”

“Thank you.” you almost feel the need to start crying. “Thank you for coming last night. Thank you for not pushing me to do anything I don’t want to.”

“Always, Clarke. I gotta go now, okay? I will stop by later.”

“You really don’t have to.” You offer weakly, but the determination in his voice tells you that he might just come by. You’re not sure, though.

“Just relax, okay? Get better. I have to go.”

“I love you.” you smile.

“I love you too, Clarke.”

\\\

A cool hand on your forehead wakes you up. You groan in pleasure, feeling hot and sticky, but the hand gives you comfort.

“Hey, honey.” Your mother speaks.

“Hey, mom. What are you doing here?” you crack open an eye, watching her sit on the edge of your couch.

“You haven’t been sick in years, honey. What happened?” Abby has a wet cloth in hand.

She gently lies it on your forehead.

“I regret giving everyone a key.” You huff, but you hum in appreciation when you feel the cool towel on your head.

Your mother giggles lightly. “No, you don’t.”

“Whatever.”

“What happened?” your mother asks again. You are not sure if you are ready to tell your mother, but then again, Lincoln knows. You’ll probably tell Raven and Aden soon, so why not tell your mother?

“Uhm, I locked myself out the office last night when it was pouring rain.” You admit quietly.

“Why would you do that?” your mother’s brown eyes grow in surprise.

“It’s not like I did it on purpose.” You huff again, your eyes closing. You lean into your mothers touches. “But if you must know, Lexa stopped by last night.”

“Lexa?”

“Yeah. Uhm…” you try to find the words. “…we are…”

“Together?”

“Well, not officially, but we are goin- wait. You knew?” you open your eyes, meeting your mothers playful gaze.

She shakes her head. “I had a feeling about the two of you.”

“Everyone knew, didn’t they?” you groan again.

“You and Lexa weren’t exactly subtle, sweetheart.” Your mother chuckles. “We were just waiting for the two of you to finally see it.”

“Marcus knows too?”

“Of course. He knows his kid.”

You just fall further under the blanket, not quite ready to leave the warm place, despite the fact you’re sweating your ass off.

“I am happy for you, Clarke. Lexa is a good one.” Your mother moves the cloth on your head, to your cheeks softly.

“I know she is.” You smile. “But just… don’t mention it too much around her, okay? We… I need time to…”

“I know.” Your mother smiles knowingly. “You need to take things slow. I will tell your father not to tease you about this.”

It makes you giggle like a little girl. You know how your father can be.

“But we are all happy for you, honey.” Your mother continues, cupping your chin carefully. “I haven’t seen you this happy in years.”

“I haven’t felt like this before.” You admit, you sit up a little, groaning when your muscles ache.

Your mother is instantly by your side to help you sit up. You don’t need to speak for your mother to know what you want.

She hands you a hair tie. You put your blonde locks in a messy bun before sitting up properly.

“Do you want me to make you some coffee? Tea?”

“Tea?” you would love coffee, but you feel like tea would be better for your throat.

You slouch on the couch. You watch your mother work in your kitchen.

“Been a long time since I’ve seen you here.” You smile, trying to cover your cough with a simple scrape of your throat, but you fail.

“I know.” Abby smiles at you. “You’ve been busy.”

“I’m sorry.” It’s barely a whisper, but your mother hears. She keeps the smile on her face, but leans on the bar to look at you.

“You were going through a rough phase, Clarke. We all have our moments.”

“But you’re here now.” You are grateful for her to show up. You are grateful, because you realise it’s been ages since you’ve spoken to your mother, just the two of you.

“I am.”

You check the clock. It’s only a bit after nine in the morning. You’re freaking exhausted.

“How have you been?” you ask her.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” she grins, finally finishing up the tea.

You shrug when you watch her sit down on the couch. You throw the blanket over her lap, smiling at her. You have missed her.

“I am asking you.” you smile, taking the mug from her hands. She took a mug for herself, too.

“I put in a little bit of honey. Good for your throat.” She smiles. “But I have been good, Clarke. I really enjoyed the gala, I enjoyed seeing you there with Lexa.”

“I loved it.” You try to hide the smile behind your mug, but your mother notices. There is a sparkle in her eyes that tells you she only loves seeing you like this.

“So, Aden told me he is dating someone, too.” Abby wiggles her eyebrows.

“He is.”

“Have you met her yet?” your mother looks curious.

“No, I haven’t.” you shake your head. “Maybe he wants you guys to meet her first.”

“I doubt that.” Your mother laughs. “Aden has always wanted your opinion first. He always showed you things first.”

“He did?” you try to think back.

“You are the most important person in his life.” Your mother nudges your knee. You sink into the pillows on the couch, warmly tucked in your robe and the blanket.

“Not anymore, I’m not.” You grin.

“We will see about that.” Your mother laughs. You enjoy this thoroughly. You enjoy seeing your mother here again.

“Where’s dad? I expected to see him here too.”

“He is out golfing with Marcus.” Your mother shakes her head with a roll of her eyes. “Men.”

You giggle. “Doesn’t Marcus have a job to go to today?”

“He took the day off.”

“So dad prioritises playing golf with his best friend over visiting his very, _very_ ill daughter.” You huff, but you laugh when your mother rolls her eyes.

“He didn’t believe me when I said you were really sick.” She laughs. “Since you haven’t been sick in forever.”

“That is true.” You slouch further onto your couch, sipping the hot tea.

“How is work?” your mother continues. “How is that boy?”

“Nate?”

“Yes?”

“Why?” you quirk a brow, watching your mother grin shamelessly.

“You seemed quite fond of him.”

“He’s a great kid, mom.” You can’t hide the smile.

“So you really are adopting him?” brown eyes are hopeful.

“Who the fuck told you that?” you cough, choking on your tea. “I am not adopting him. I’m freaking twenty-eight.”

“It seemed pretty domestic back at the hospital, you, Lexa and Nathan. And age has nothing to do with it.” She grins further. “How about you take the boy to our place sometime?”

“Mom.” You throw her a glare. “He is living with his foster parents. I am not adopting him just because I enjoy playing soccer with him.”

“Whatever makes you sleep at night, Clarke.”

“Oh, stop it.” You laugh.

You chat a bit more with your mother, catching up. It’s really good to be speaking to her openly, about your fears with Lexa, about your job.

About the fact that you feel like you don’t have the right to have those fears, since you have it all.

Your mother just listened to you rambling about it all and it is so good to be able to finally get it all off your chest.

The way your mother’s eyes widen from time to time tells you that you have been hiding all those feelings for so long, that nobody knew the true nature of them.

“Clarke.” She just sighs, shaking her head. “Why didn’t you tell us before? We knew you were struggling, but we thought it had more to do with your job than how you really felt about… love.”

“It’s nobody’s fault, mom. I didn’t really know how I was feeling until… until Lexa was there to expose it all.” You smile a bit. The more you talk about this, the more confident you are that you made the right decision.

You can see the worry in your mother’s eyes, though.

“You deserve the world, Clarke.” Abby purses her lips. “Ever since you were a kid you’ve always been like this, you know?”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. When Aden broke the coffee table, you told us it was you because you didn’t want _him_ to get punished for it. You took the blame while we knew it was him. In school, you took home all your friends, letting them have sleepovers just to make them feel special. You’ve always felt guilty for having such a good life.”

Abby swallows hard. You just watch her, you listen to her words.

“You just… you took Raven in when you knew she had problems with her mother. You didn’t even ask us, you just took her home, told us she’d be living with us from that moment on. You cared about her when nobody else did and you saved her.”

“I didn’t _save_ her.” You almost roll your eyes. “She’s strong, mom.”

“So are you.” she squeezes your hand. You only notice now that she took it in hers minutes ago. “And I am so grateful to have you as my daughter. That is why… you inspired us to do something. Me and your dad.”

“To do what?”

“We are signing up for the foster parent program.” Abby smiles. Her smile is wide, her eyes sparkle and you drop your jaw.

“Mom.” You shake your head. “Mom, that is really hard, you know that right? You’ll have damaged kids, you’ll have kids who will fight you, kids who will hate you.”

“I know.” She nods. “But ever since your father and I retired, we just… we just wanted to do something again. We heard stories from Marcus, how good it was for him to take in Lexa at the time. He had a few kids before her, but she was the one sticking around, even though adoption somehow never happened. We heard stories from Lincoln, about how important it is to have a healthy foster home.”

“So I am not the only one inspiring you.” you smile.

“You’re the one who made us make the final decision, Clarke.” Abby shakes her head. “We saw you working so hard for these kids and we know that you care. We saw you with Nathan and in that moment we just knew we had to do it.”

You fall into her arms. You don’t know why it touches you so much, but it does. You don’t know why it makes you so emotional, but it does.

“Oh, baby.” Your mother sighs, holding you tightly as you crumble down in front of her.

Your sobs turn into coughs, though. You laugh through it, watching your mother reach for water, making you drink it.

She places you back into your previous position, tucking you in further.

You smile at her weakly, completely exhausted.

“Mom, you have no idea how much that means to me.” You smile when she cups your cheeks. She wipes away some dry tears that somehow escaped your eyes when you didn’t even notice.

“We know how important this is, honey. We just…” Abby shakes her head with a smile. “…we are so proud to call you our daughter, Clarke. You do so much good and I hope you know how much we want for you to just be happy.”

“Everyone keeps saying that.” You smile, leaning into your mothers touches.

“Because you do deserve anything, everything. And if you ever need something, help or money or advice, you know where to find me.” Brown eyes look into your own.

It’s been too long since you’ve spoken to your mother like this. It’s been too long since you’ve spoken like this to anyone. With the exception of perhaps Lincoln last night, but still… you feel like you need to do a lot of catching up with everyone.

“I will be going now.” she smiles softly. “I hope Lexa makes you happy, honey.”

“She does. So far.” You chuckle a bit, coughing more.

It feels good to have talked to her like this again. You can feel your eyelids starting to droop.

Your mother tucks you on your couch, closing the blinds to make the room a bit darker. She places a fresh bottle of water on the coffee table, sitting on the edge of the couch to cup your face again.

“How about you take Lexa to dinner with us and Marcus some time soon? Perhaps some… quality time with my daughter and her girlfriend.” Abby grins, her thumbs caressing the hot skin of your face.

Her cool hands are really welcoming to you.

“She’s not my girlfriend.” You fight her weakly.

“Yet.” Your mother is insufferable sometimes.

“Whatever.” You roll your eyes, but you smile warmly at the woman that has set an example for you the past twenty-eight years. “Thank you for stopping by.”

“Always, sweetheart.”

“Oh, I forgot to say, but Aden and I have a gift for you and dad, for your anniversary.” You smile. “How about we have dinner sometime, just the four of us? I really love everyone else, but it’s been so long since it’s been just us.”

“Sounds perfect.” Abby grins.

“When I’m better we can plan something. I’ll ask Aden.” You smile, feeling your mother press a kiss against your forehead.

“I love you, Clarke.”

“I love you, too.”

\\\

You wake up again to a knock on your door. When you check the time, you see it’s almost six in the evening. You stretch.

“Door is open.” You cough, wanting to get up, but the coughing doesn’t stop. The door swings open and a worried Lexa steps in, carrying a ridiculous amount of groceries in her arms.

She looks fucking gorgeous. She probably came here straight out of work, her hair tucked back in a messy ponytail, black flared slacks and a white button up. Black ankle boots underneath to finish the semi-professional look.

You can’t keep your eyes off her. You watch her move, your eyes on her thin figure the entire time, watching her move with grace, the subtle sway of her hips. She is wearing glasses.

You completely miss her greetings while you stare at her.

She is wearing _fucking_ glasses. You have never seen that on her before and the look is just… you melt. Your heart speeds up, you drop your jaw a bit, totally forgetting you’re sick in the first place.

She is fast when she places them on the kitchen counter, before moving to sit by you on the couch, taking off her boots. You throw the blanket over her lap.

You reach for her, falling into her arms with a content sigh.

“How are you feeling?”

“Better now that you’re here.” You nuzzle your face in her neck, letting her hold you. You can her protective grip around you and you love it.

“Thanks for flattering me.” She chuckles lightly, pressing a kiss in your hair.

“I’ve missed you.” you admit quietly.

“You just saw me this morning.” Her voice is low with amusement. You attach your lips on the skin right below her pulse point.

You kiss your way up her neck, taking your time when you take her earlobe between your teeth, sucking lightly.

You grin when you can hear her breath hitch in her throat.

“Clarke.” She warns you, but her voice is weak. “You’re sick.”

“That has never stopped me before. Plus, those glasses make you fucking irresistible.” You murmur in her ear. You kiss her jaw, smiling when you feel her softness.

You can feel her hands slowly moving to your hips, tucking you in her lap, her thumbs caressing your skin right underneath your shirt. Your skin burns at the touch.

You place one hand in her neck, guiding her face to yours. You look at her for a moment, completely breathless.

Her green stare is turning black, but you can tell she’s holding back. Her lips are wetted by the tip of her tongue and you don’t hold back anymore.

You sink into her, moaning softly when you finally feel her again. It feels like a lifetime ago that you were kissing her and you know it’s stupid, but you really _have_ missed her.

You want to deepen the kiss, but you pull back the moment you feel the need to cough. Lexa giggles softly.

“Perhaps not so smart after all?” she smiles. “Go lie down. I’ll make you some food. I hope you like chicken.”

“I love chicken.” You smile. You lie down, but not before stealing another kiss from her.

You love it. She moves to your kitchen, clearly having brought groceries.

“Is it okay if I just… go through your cupboards and stuff? I don’t want to intrude.”

“ _Lex_.” You smile. “Make yourself at home, okay? It’s not that I’ve got a dildo hidden in there.”

She chokes on air. You laugh loudly, but it only causes you to cough more.

“Okay.” She grins amusedly, moving to fill your fridge with more things than necessary.

You watch her from your position on the couch, following her every movement. She brought too much stuff for just tonight.

She brought you like two weeks’ worth of groceries. Instant guilt eats you inside, but you try to push it away.

You know that Lexa wants to take care of you. So perhaps you should let her.

“This is not what I had in mind for our first date.” You smile mischievously, trying to regain your voice a bit.

You watch her turn, her eyes widened behind those spectacles. “Is this a date?”

“If you want it to be.” You just can’t stop smiling, not even when you can feel your throat ache, not when you feel like you have been running a marathon yesterday.

She is way more important than how you feel right now. You watch her move through your kitchen, starting to rumble through the cupboards to grab pans and other things to prepare dinner.

You can’t stop watching her. You move from the couch, wrapping the blanket around you like a warm cocoon, sitting down at the bar.

She smiles at you. “Are you watching me?”

“Yes.” You smile, leaning your head on your chin as you watch her cook. She cuts vegetables, potatoes and prepares the chicken. “You are just… breath-taking.”

You watch her blush, but she doesn’t stop moving around. When she stands at the counter, your gaze lowers to her ass. She may have flared slacks, but it’s pretty tight around her ass and you just want t-

“Stop looking at my ass.” Lexa giggles before turning around, leaning against the counter.

You feel caught. “I can’t help it that you look like a Greek goddess.”

“Greed goddess?” she quirks a sexy brow, her green eyes bright and sparkling.

“Hmm-hmm.” You nod, coughing shortly before leaning back on your hand to look at her. “Tell me something about you.”

“Like what?” you can hear the smile in her voice when she continues to move around, seasoning the potatoes before putting them in your preheated oven.

“Anything.” You smile. “I don’t know much about you.”

“Uhm..” she seems hesitant while she moves to prepare the chicken. “I like to read in my free time.”

“Read?” you can’t stop smiling like an idiot in love. “What genre?”

“Anything, really. I love philosophy the most, though.”

Hence the conversation you had in the pool with her a while ago. “Who’s your favourite philosopher?”

“Alan Watts.” She seems shy about it.

“Oh, he’s good.” You grin, very proud that you know who she’s talking about.

She turns on her heels, looking at you with clear surprise on her face. “You know Alan Watts?”

You nod. “Philosophy can be interesting sometimes, you know.”

Before you know it, she leans over the bar, grabbing the collar of your shirt to crash her lips against yours gently enough not to hurt you.

You smile into the kiss, loving how it just sends tiny jolts of excitement through your veins, your lips tingling with her movements. She is so fucking soft and demanding at the same time, but you pull back lightly.

“What was that for?” you’re breathless. You gape at her, watching her cheeks redden, but a determined look on her face.

“I’ve never met anyone who knows Alan Watts.” She just says, quickly turning around to continue cooking.

Holy fuck. Your heart is beating out of your chest and you still try to remember how to breathe.

Fuck.

Fuck being sick. Fuck the coughing. You slip out of your stool, moving around the bar. You drop the blanket somewhere along the way.

You hover behind her, not touching her, but close enough to feel her warmth against your body.

You watch the tattoo in her neck peek out over the collar of her blouse. You just can’t resist her.

You place a soft kiss in her neck, your hands on her hips as you press yourself against her.

“Clarke.” Her voice is nothing but a whisper. “You’re distracting me.”

“Tell me more about you.” you murmur in her ear, your voice heavier than usual with the rawness of your coughing. You can feel her shiver against you, her ass against your core and god, you want to do so many things to her right now. “I want to know you, Lexa.”

“Clarke.” She warns you again, her voice soft, but shaky. You love that you do that to her, you love that she does the exact same thing to you, too.

“Hmm?” you breathe in her ear before nibbling on her lobe. She leans into you and you love the feeling.

“Let me cook for you, woman.” She chuckles, but her voice is heavy with want.

“Hmm.” You chuckle lightly, pressing a few more kisses in her neck, your arms snaking around her waist.

You can feel the muscles of her stomach clench under your touches as you tease her near the waistband of her trousers.

You tuck her button up out of the slacks, your hands grazing her bare, hot skin underneath.

She has stopped moving the moment you pressed yourself against her and you love it. You press your smile against her neck, loving every fucking second of it.

You brush your fingertips over her stomach, teasingly slipping into her slacks. She throws her head back on your shoulder and you know she’s a goner.

“Let me take care of you.” you rasp in her ear, pressing your nose against her cheek, your lips grazing over the skin of her jaw.

“You’re sick, Clarke.” She tries, but she’s weak, you can tell. “You shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Why not?”

“I am cooking for you.” She offers weakly. You move one of your hands up to take off her glasses.

“Shouldn’t have worn those glasses then.” You press your lips on the corner of her mouth when she turns her head towards you.

“Fuck, Clarke.” She suddenly pushes you away, looking flustered but there is a hint of smugness in her eyes. “Sit down.”

You huff. “Can I at least feel how wet you are?”

“I’m not _wet_.” She huffs too, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“Prove it, then.” You challenge her. You try to hide your smirk, but it’s difficult. You step closer again. You know you probably look like crap, but Lexa looks like she doesn’t care.

She looks at you, her pupils blown, biting her bottom lip. She doesn’t speak when you slip one of your hands into her slacks, into her panties.

She gasps when you lean in to attach your lips to her throat. Her fingers instantly thread in your hair when you slide your fingers through her folds.

You are met with slick fluids.

“Not wet, huh?” you murmur. You tease her clit, before pulling back out. The instant whine she lets out betrays her.

You just laugh when you move back around the bar, watching her dishevelled, desperately trying to tuck her button up back into her trousers. You make sure that she is watching you when you suck your fingers dry from her juices.

“Fuck you, Clarke.”

“You wish.” You laugh harder, but god punishes you instantly by giving you another cough attack.

This is going to be a fun night.

\\\

Dinner is fucking delicious. You hum with every bite while Lexa throws you amused looks. “You’re cooking for me every day from now on.”

“You wish.” She laughs. She has her glasses atop her head while she eats. You can’t keep your eyes off her.

You find yourself talking to her, more than you thought you would. You learn that she is secretly just a giant nerd, reading a lot, gaming too. She doesn’t game as often as she used to, but she admits that she has been playing online with Aden.

She tells you about her life with Marcus, about her parents. She even admits that she has a brother somewhere out there, but that they were separated even before she was being put into foster care.

“What the hell happened?” you listen to her talk, even long after dinner is finished. You moved back to the couch.

“I don’t remember much.” She shakes her head. “I do know that my parents had problems. They were good people but… my mother cheated on my dad. She got pregnant. She didn’t tell him that it wasn’t his, not until right after he was born.”

“Wow. Have you ever even seen him?”

“No.” she shakes her head. “My father didn’t want him, so he forced my mother to give him up for adoption. They wanted to divorce after that, but they died before they could.”

“Wow.” You breathe again. “That is really fucked up. Have you ever tried to find him?”

“I don’t know anything about him.” She shakes her head. “I don’t even know his name or his date of birth. I was too young to remember.”

“There must be records.” You know how it works in this world.

“I am not sure…” she shakes her head with a sad smile. You drop yourself against her, trying to comfort her while you start coughing again. “Ever since I saw you and Aden together, I have been thinking about it again.”

“I could help you find him.” You find yourself saying.

“Thank you.” she presses a kiss atop your head. “But I am not sure if I am ready for that.”

“You don’t have to say or do anything you don’t want to.” You clutch onto her shirt.

“I know.” She holds you tightly as you move to lie on top of her, pressing her down into the couch. You lay your head on her shoulder.

“How old were you when Marcus took you in?”

“Eleven.” She smiles. “He saved me. He was the first foster parent to actually… care.”

“Why’d you leave LA?” you can’t stop asking her things. You need to know it all.

“Some memories were just too… hard. I love Marcus, but I needed to get out of the city.”

“So you went to DC?”

“Yeah. I got a scholarship at Georgetown. It’s where I met Anya and Octavia.” she smiles, her hand finding yours to play with your fingers absentmindedly.

“How did you get them to move back to LA with you?” you chuckle shortly.

“They always wanted to move to LA.” She laughs. 

“Why did you? Move back after so many years?”

“It was time to face it again.”

You can feel her shrug. “I am glad you did.”

“Me, too.”

You feel her soft lips on your forehead.

“You’re burning up.”

“I’m fine.” You shake your head, nuzzling yourself further into her.

“How about we watch the game tonight?” she’s so soft.

“Yeah, I’d like that.” You grab the remote, turning on your TV. You watch the Dodgers play.

Your head flat on her chest, her arms around you, you let yourself getting lost in the rhythm of her steady heartbeat.

You tuck open her blouse just a bit more to make yourself comfortable.

“This is a great date.” You mumble tiredly. “I love getting to know you.”

“You haven’t told me anything about you, yet.” Her hand moves under your shirt, softly scratching up and down your spine comfortingly.

She is good at this, you’ll admit that.

“There isn’t much to say.” You have never liked talking too much about yourself.

“How did you meet Raven and Lincoln?” she asks anyway.

“I met Raven in high school. She got us both in detention after freaking out about someone calling her mother an addict and we both fought said person.” You chuckle. “I took her home after that and she never really left. I met Lincoln at Berkeley, we both studied social work.”

“And you’re still colleagues.”

“Yeah, I am glad that he is. We work well together, we always did projects in school together, applied for the job together.” You smile at the memory.

“Where does Aden fit in?” she chuckles.

“Aden was always a shy, clumsy kid, he never had many friends until he was fifteen or so. But he liked Raven so much, we just hung out with the three of us and Lincoln just joined later.”

The game is completely ignored by now. You can feel some more pressure on your chest, but you try to ignore the heaviness of your coughs.

“What was it like, growing up with famous parents?” she continues to ask.

“So many questions.” You tease her, looking up shortly to press your lips against her jaw.

Her hand moves to cup your chin. “You’re pale. Clarke, are you feeling okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” You look at her in surprise. It’s not that you suddenly feel much worse than you already did.

“You’re really hot.”

“Thanks.”

She rolls her eyes, making you chuckle. You have noticed a bit shortness of breath, but you figure that is just a consequence of the coughing.

“I mean it, you’re burning up. Do you have a thermometer?” she asks, gently pushing you up.

You just groan when your muscles ache, coughing more. You feel a bit dizzy, but you won’t tell her that.

“In my nightstand.” You wheeze, quickly laying back down on the couch, your head spinning.

You don’t feel good. You were too focused on listening to her words, her comforting voice as she told you about her.

You watch her move through your apartment, to grab the ear thermometer. She returns, placing it in your ear while you lie.

It takes a few seconds before it beeps. Her cool hand is on your forehead. “It’s a hundred and six, Clarke.”

“I’m fine.” You wave it off.

“I…” she starts. When you look at her, you see worry on her face. “I should take you to the hospital.”

“Lexa.” You roll your eyes. “It’ll pass.”

“I just want to be sure.” She almost pleads, making you sit up, but you feel that fatigue again. It annoys you.

“Lexa.” You wheeze. Breathing is harder than before. “It’s probably something that’ll wear off in a few hours.”

“Fine. But if it doesn’t, I’m taking you to a hospital.” She has a stern voice, making you listen to her.

“Okay.” You don’t fight her much longer. Instead, you collapse back on the couch, completely exhausted. She gently pulls your head in her lap, her fingers scratching your scalp in the best way.

You drift off to sleep before you know it.

\\\

You wake up feeling better already. You are still lying on your couch, on top of Lexa. It’s dark, but the TV is still on.

You lean your chin on her chest softly, looking at her. She’s still in her clothes from today, but she’s fast asleep.

She lets out the tiniest huffs, her lips slightly parted in her sleep. Her arms are wrapped around you tightly and her face is almost angelic.

Her flawless skin shining in the dark, her jawline strong, her thick lips very, very kissable.

Her long eyelashes move sometimes and she seems to be dreaming something. She’s fucking gorgeous and you wonder how she fell for someone like you.

You are so out of her league.

You can’t help yourself when you press your lips against her chin, slowly moving up her jawline. You just can’t resist her.

You can feel a growing ache between your legs when she whimpers softly, still asleep, her grip around you only tightening.

You move to kiss her beneath her ear. When she doesn’t move, you gently take her jaw between your fingers to move her head, tilting it to the side to give you more access.

“Hmm, Clarke.” She murmurs, softly waking from her deep slumber. You plant one leg between her legs, softly grinding down into her.

“Hi.” You husk, moving back to face her. Her eyes open and you are met with a half-lidded, sleep drunken stare that is all too wanting.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” You nip on the skin of the corner of her jaw, slowly moving to her mouth.

“You’re sick.”

“Stop using that as an excuse. I’m feeling perfectly fine.”

“It’s in the middle of the night.” She fights you.

You sigh, pulling back. “Fine.”

She chuckles, taking your face between her hands. “Another time, okay?”

“Okay.” You smile. “We should move to my bed.”

“I should get home. I didn’t bring clothes.” She shakes her head, gently urging you to sit up.

You yawn a few times, feeling her hand on your forehead. She lets out a sigh in relief.

“Hey, how about I take you to the game Saturday? Dodgers against the Red Sox.” You smile. You instantly watch her eyes light up.

“Okay.”

“Yeah?” you smile, kissing her shortly before slipping off the couch.

“Sounds perfect, Clarke.” She stands up as well, looking around to gather her things.

“Thank you for making me dinner. You didn’t have to do that, Lex.” You follow her to your door, snaking your arms around her waist to pull her close.

You have no idea when you started to love cuddling, but you just do now, especially with her.

“It’s no problem, Clarke.” She takes her things, ready to go. “And uh, I did want it to be a date. Tonight, I mean.”

You only smile in return. You place one hand in her neck to pull her in, bringing your lips together in a soft kiss.

Even though it isn’t heated, you can hear a small moan escaping her throat. Her arms snake around your neck, her hands tangling in your now loose hair.

You back her up, until she hits the door. You deepen the kiss, just really unable to pull back from her. The way she touches you, the way your skin tingles is just too addictive.

“Clarke.” She breathes against your lips before changing angles, meeting you in a hot open-mouthed kiss.

You press yourself against her a little firmer now, feeling heat pool between your legs.

Her lips part from yours with a small smack, her eyes black, biting her bottom lip.

“I have to go.”

“You don’t have to.” You smirk, nudging her cheek with your nose to once again trail kisses down her neck.

“Clarke.” She warns, a little sterner now. Her hands on your shoulders push you back. “I would love to stay and do certain things to you, but it’s inconvenient.”

You just nod, smiling widely. “Okay. I will see you Saturday, then? I’ll pick you up.”

“Yeah.” Her smile is goofy and beautiful and you know you’ll miss her the moment she steps out the door.

“Goodnight, Lexa.” You finally pull back enough to open the door and let her out.

She seems to hesitate a moment, half in the opening, half in your apartment. She then leans in for a last, long and lazy kiss.

It’s just… _bliss_.

You caress her cheek with your thumb, leaning your forehead against hers for a brief moment. “I was serious about your brother, okay? If you ever need my help, let me know okay?”

“Thank you.” she smiles, pressing one last kiss against your lips before finally slipping out of your apartment.

“Goodnight, Lexa.” You say again, smiling while you watch her walk through the hallway.

“Goodnight, Clarke.” She smiles at you when she looks back, finally disappearing in the stairwell.

Yeah, you love her.

\\\

Saturday doesn’t come fast enough for you. You've been helping Aden move to his new place, his room now empty.

You’ve been back at work the day after Lexa left, just not able to stay away since you haven’t been all too sick anymore, thankfully.

You have been texting her throughout the days, loving how she seems so… held back.

You just figure that she isn’t the type to just text and if you’re being honest with yourself, neither are you.

You just prefer face to face contact.

But you finally wrap things up at work on Saturday (simply because you needed to catch up on the work you couldn’t do when you were sick). It’s in the afternoon when you receive a call from Nate.

You lean back into your chair, propping your feet on your desk when you answer.

“Hey, nerd.” You laugh, but it falters when you hear him sniffle slightly. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“James is acting weird.” Nate quietly admits, not even bothering to greet you.

“Why?” you instantly sit up, opening Nate’s file on your pc. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine but…” Nate sniffles more. “James hasn’t been home in a few days. He… he said that Emily was having surgery. He went to the hospital and he didn’t come back.”

“Nate, please don’t tell me you’ve been alone for the past few days? How did you manage to go to school?” you instantly rise from your seat.

“I took the bus. He’s been gone since Thursday.”

“I am coming over okay? Nate, if something like this ever happens again, you call me. Like, immediately, okay?” you say sternly, but you regret it the moment you hear him sob. “Nate, it’s okay, I am coming to get you. We will figure this out, okay?”

“Yeah.” He sighs. You can tell that he’s trying to hold back sobs.

“Who else knows about this?” you ask him, grabbing your stuff.

“Nobody.”

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” you ask softly, your heart aching for the boy.

“I thought James would come back.” His voice is small and trembling.

“Okay, look. I’ll be there in an hour, okay? In the meantime, I will see if I can find out what happened. Just… don’t do anything weird and don’t leave the house, okay?” you urge him, already on your way out, to your car. “And call me if there’s anything wrong.”

“Okay.”

“I will see you soon, Nate.” You hang up the phone. You remember something about Emily having surgery before, but you didn’t know she needed another surgery.

You call the hospital you know she was in last time. They refuse to give you any information. You almost want to threat, since you have an obligation towards the boy, and legally speaking you should be able to get at least some information, but they refuse.

You know you have to get Nate out of there. It is ridiculous that James would just leave him at home. You pinch the bridge of your nose when you drive to the house, through the city.

Things just can’t seem to calm down around the boy.

You are just about halfway there, when your phone rings. It’s your work phone and you can see James’ name popping up.

You have to hold back your anger when you answer the phone. “James.”

“Clarke, I am so sorry.” He sounds hollow. “Emily had surgery and she fell into a coma.”

“You left Nathan in your house, _alone_.” You clench your jaw. “I am sorry about Emily, but you should’ve called me the moment you knew you wouldn’t be able to get home.”

“I know.” His voice sounds strange and you barely recognize it. It doesn’t really sound like him. “I went home a few times, found Nathan sleeping once and the other time I think he was at school.”

“You _left_ him.” You say again, shaking your head.

“It won’t happen again.” He insists, but you don’t believe him. You can hear in the tone of his voice that he is unstable, mentally speaking.

“James, how about we talk about this another time? When will you be home?”

“I can make it tonight.”

You suck in a breath. Tonight is your date with Lexa.

“I will be there, I’ll watch Nathan for the day. Text me the time.” You hang up before he can say more.

You drum the wheel impatiently with your thumbs, unable to believe that James would do such a thing.

You can understand that your wife being in a coma can be heavy and scary. You know that it can be hard, but to forget about the kid you took in is just… it’s unacceptable.

You call Jaha.

“Hello?”

“Thelonious, it’s me.” You start. “You know one of my cases, Nathan Miller?”

“Of course I do.” He replies instantly. You know he is involved with every case that you and your team are working on. He cares like that.

“Emily is in the hospital in a coma and James left Nathan at home for two days. Alone.” You can still feel the anger running through your veins.

“You’re getting that boy out of there.” Jaha instantly says. “We can’t have that.”

“I know.” You agree. “I am talking to James tonight. I’ll see if I can find Nathan a new home the next couple of days.”

“Thank you for notifying me. I’ll see if I can withdraw their foster licence, because this… this is completely intolerable.” Jaha says.

“James has pulled a weird stunt before.” You sigh. “Emily needed surgery before and he called me to pick up Aden from school.”

“I read the report, Clarke. I know this.” Jaha sounds comforting. “It’s strange, but it’s their first foster child. They can make mistakes, but what he did now… we do not tolerate this. I will talk to my supervisor about this. You take care of Nathan and I’ll take care of their licence.”

“Yes.” You just respond. “I am almost there, I will keep you posted.”

“Good. Be careful.” He hangs up the phone before you can say more.

You arrive at the place sooner than you thought. You do know that you have to call Lexa and cancel on your plans, something that you really don’t want to do.

But you don’t really have a choice. Your day is probably going to be filled with making sure that Nathan is okay.

You step out of your car, locking it carefully before moving to the house.

You ring the bell.

You hear some stumbling before the door opens and a bewildered Nathan appears, his big brown eyes looking up at you in relief.

He crashes into you.

“Hey, I’m here.” You hold him close while you’re unable to move with his tight grip around your waist.

His head presses into your stomach and you can tell that he’s crying.

You feel the urge to just take him to your apartment. You don’t want to leave him with someone else anymore. You want to make sure that he’s okay.

You tuck him inside, closing the door right behind you.

You softly push him towards the couch, but not before looking around the house to see if perhaps James might be home.

“Tell me what happened.” You sit down on the couch beside him, feeling how he instantly crashes into you again, desperate for your embrace.

You try to hold back your emotions. Your anger, your sadness, the desperation to just see this kid happy again.

“He was mad at me at first.” Nathan sniffles, his face pressing into your shoulder. Your arm holds him steady as he cries. “Remember when you had to pick me up from school?”

“Yes.” You nod.

“Emily was in a accident.” He pulls back lightly and you cup his small cheeks, wiping away the tears. “She got in a accident after she brought me to school.”

“ _An_.” You automatically correct him, making him smile lightly. “Okay.”

“James got mad at me.” He shakes his head, sitting to look straight forward, pulling up his knees to wrap his arms around them.

This is sensitive territory, you can tell.

“He wanted to hit me, but I hid in my room.” He shakes his head. “But when Emily was going to be fine, he wasn’t mad anymore.”

“He wanted to hit you?” your eyes grow. You thought you had a good feeling about this man, this family. You thought you could trust him.

“Yeah, but he couldn’t.” Nate tries to smile when he looks your way.

You study his face. He has a permanent crease between his eyebrows, his lips tugged downwards.

His hair is longer than the last time you saw him and you think he has been wearing these clothes for too long.

He is being neglected. You can tell.

“Why did Emily need surgery again? Do you know what happened?”

“I don’t know. She got pain. She got pain and they went to the hospital and they didn’t come back.” He shrugs.

“I think there were complications.” You mumble, more to yourself than to the boy. “She is in a coma.”

“How do you know?”

“James called after I called the hospital. I think the nurses might have told him I called.” You shake your head. You remember his voice. You remember the distant tone, the absence of emotions. It doesn’t sit right with you. “We are taking you away from him. This can never happen.”

“Where would I go?” his eyes instantly widen and there is worry and fear written on his face.

“Someplace safe, I promise.” You tuck him into your side again, hoping that it’ll relax him. “Have you eaten?”

“Not really.”

“Let’s order something.” You grab your phone, opening an app to find junk food to order. You order more than necessary.

“Clarke?” his bottom lip trembles when he looks at you.

“Yes?” your heart really aches.

“Why can’t I live with you?”

You let out a sad huff. “You could, legally speaking but… I… it’s not handy and I work fulltime.”

“Fulltime?”

“Yeah, almost every day.” You smile.

“I want to live with you.” he pouts. His sniffles are sad and he wants to walk away, but you hold him against you.

You hug him, trying to silently remind him that you’re here for him. Maybe, taking him in isn’t such a bad idea.

But your mind wanders off. You still have to cancel your date with Lexa.

“Hey, I have to call someone. Why don’t you go watch some TV while we wait for the food to arrive?” you press a lingering kiss on the top of his head.

He just nods sadly, grabbing the remote while you stand, moving to the kitchen where you can watch him while you call Lexa.

“Clarke!” Lexa sounds happy. “You’re early, the game isn’t until later tonight you know.”

“I know.” You sigh. “I have to cancel.”

“What? Why?” the disappointment in Lexa’s voice is evident and you feel guilty. You feel the pocket of your suitjacket, sadly taking out the two tickets.

“I have a work emergency. Lexa, I really want to go but I don’t think I can make it. Maybe you can go with someone else.” You stare at the tickets, not sure why you are feeling so emotional right now. “I can give you the tickets.”

“Work emergency? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, yeah… it’s just…” you know you shouldn’t tell her because of the privacy. You know you shouldn’t, because she knows Nathan, too. “…it’s Nate.”

“What about him?” there is worry in her voice.

“We have to move him to another family and it’ll probably take all day.” You sigh into the phone. “I am at his house right now.”

“I assume you can’t tell me what happened?” her voice is soft and understanding.

“Yeah. He’ll be fine. I am so sorry.” You shake your head, but you quickly realise that she can’t see you.

“Don’t be, Clarke. You have to take care of him.”

“You can pick up the tickets if you want them. You could ask Marcus or my dad.” You smile. “I don’t have time to bring them.”

“I can stop by. Perhaps… if there is time we can distract him with a soccer game?”

You let out an amused huff. “I am sure that he will love that, but not sure if it’s appropriate right now. But you can just stop by, okay? I’ll be at the house.”

“Okay.”

You finish the conversation, feeling more than guilty towards Lexa.

This is one of the reasons that you told yourself that you couldn’t date anyone. You simply don’t have the time. You’ll always have emergencies. Not that they happen all too often, but you will have them.

You will have to cancel plans and prioritise those kids. It’ll always be like this.

You just pray that Lexa can live with that, because you don’t think you can change that way. You cannot deal with letting these kids alone.

You silently join Nathan back on the couch, holding him close while you mindlessly watch some TV.

The food is soon delivered and you eat with him, in silence. You can tell that he is enjoying the food, though.

“Hey, go watch some TV or play outside and I’ll go grab some of your stuff, okay?”

“Am I really going?”

“Yes.” You say. “We will take you some place safe.”

“Okay.” He nods, moving back to the couch.

You go upstairs, trying to find him a few bags with his clothes. You watch his room. A single bed in the corner, a small desk in the other.

There’s a drawing on the wall above the desk, as if Nathan placed it there to be able to look at it whenever he’s doing homework.

The drawing is good – you can tell. Your heart sinks to your stomach the moment you see who’s in the drawing.

You take off your jacket, leaving you in your simple silk blouse. You throw it on his bed, carefully taking the drawing from the wall to look at it closely.

It’s a drawing of you and him, Lexa and Lincoln playing soccer. He’s on your back while Lexa and Lincoln share a high-five.

In the drawing, Lexa is looking at you and him with a big smile. God, the boy is observant.

This drawing is good, it’s really good. It’s cartoon-ish, but so good that you can just instantly recognize everyone.

It’s painful as much as it is flattering. He has been thinking about that day often, you can tell.

You sigh, continuing to pack his clothes. You don’t know where it went wrong. Did you make a mistake by letting yourself getting emotionally attached to the boy?

You don’t think you’ve ever felt this way about a kid before. You know you care about him and that it would devastate you if you had to place him into another strange, new family for him.

A family that you don’t trust. You don’t trust anyone in the foster system anymore.

You call the agency, trying to find out if there is a family suited for Nathan.

You have a colleague looking it up for you, going over his file while you grab his things.

You go back downstairs, also taking the drawing.

You put down the bags near the door, handing him the drawing.

“Figured you might wanted to hold on to that one.” You smile while you sit back down next to him.

“Yeah.” He smiles vaguely.

“Nate, what’s wrong? Why are you so sad?”

“What’s going to happen to me, Clarke?” he doesn’t seem much happier than before.

“We are going to take you to a new family.” You try to smile, but it falters quickly.

“I don’t want to.” He shakes his head. “I want my mother.”

You press the heels of your hands against your eyes, trying to figure out how to communicate with him.

“Your mother is gone, Nate.” You shake your head.

“Where is she then?! Where is my dad? Where is my family, why can’t I stay with them?” he is getting angry and you don’t blame him.

“Your family is unable to take care of you.” you reply. “They are not capable of making sure that you are okay.”

“Neither are you!” he spits, jumping from the couch, wanting to run away, but you grab his wrist, softly urging him to talk to you.

“What does that mean?”

“Why can’t I stay with you?” he breaks into sobs. “I don’t want to go anywhere else! Why can’t I stay with you?”

At this point, you’re really considering it. At this point, you wouldn’t even care what people are thinking.

“It’s not that easy, Nate.”

“Why not?” his brown eyes are tearstained when he looks at you, with a desperation that you haven’t seen with him before. It makes you ache everywhere.

Your heart is completely shattered and you want nothing more than to tell him that he can come home with you.

“I will see what I can do.” You say instead. “I can’t promise anything, okay?”

“Okay.” He gives up the fight.

He slumps onto the couch.

Then, there is a soft knock on the door and you instantly know that it’s Lexa. You grab the tickets, walking to the door.

“Hey.” You great with a heavy smile.

Lexa has her lips parted as if she wants to say something, but worry takes over.

She glances inside, watching Nathan slouched on the couch. He doesn’t even bother looking who it is at the door.

“Are you okay?” Lexa’s green eyes are bright and worried, her hands softly going up and down your arms.

You shake your head, your lips pursed, but you don’t speak. “It’s fine.”

“You’re not fine.” Her voice is hushed.

“I have to take care of him.” You say, more to yourself than to Lexa. She nods.

For a moment, you let yourself lean into her, your head toppling forward to lean against her shoulder, her arms around your shoulders.

You let out a few shaky sighs before pulling back again. You hand her the tickets.

“It feels wrong now to go without you.” she grimaces, her hand hovering to take the tickets.

“Lexa, you should have fun. It’s a waste not to go.” You smile lightly. You have to admit that it feels good to see her, it makes you feel better just a bit.

“I will see.” She smiles.

She’s beautiful. She wears a simple black t-shirt and dark jeans, white sneakers. It’s a casual look finished with a messy bun.

At this point, you just want to let yourself be hold by her, but you hold in.

You’re working.

“You should go.” You hate the words, but she smiles wider, understanding the situation. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, okay? Just take care. Make sure that he’s okay.” She motions her head to the boy still sitting silently on the couch.

“Yes.”

You hesitate. You hesitate, but you do it anyway. You lean in, softly pressing your lips against hers, seeking comfort.

It’s brief and you pull back before you have a chance to deepen it.

“I will call you.” you promise her.

“You could come by my apartment if you’re done early. Be careful.” She just says, softly tapping your cheek with her finger before turning around to leave.

You watch her step into her car, you watch her slipping her sunglasses on top of her nose.

You watch her drive away and you have no idea why you feel lonely all of the sudden.

“You’re together.” Nathan’s voice suddenly sounds.

You snap your head back, meeting his sad, but mischievous eyes.

“You saw that?”

He just chuckles lightly and you close the door, joining him back on the couch. “Yeah. It’s nice. Lexa’s nice.”

“I know.” You smile.

A silence falls between you and him. You fall into a rhythm as you watch TV and you call the agency every once in a while.

They have made no progress in finding him a new family and you wonder why the hell not.

You keep Jaha posted about James, realising that it’s been hours since he called.

He should’ve texted by now.

The night comes too slow and you start to worry when you hear nothing from both James nor the agency.

You are about to say something, opening your mouth, when a loud crash sounds and James is stumbling inside.

He looks like he is too drunk to function like a normal person. The moment he spots the two of you sitting on the couch, he points his finger at the boy aggressively, his nostrils flaring.

You instantly snatch Nate from the couch, placing him behind you.

It’s instinct, really. You can tell that there is something wrong, really really wrong.

“Emily is dead.” James’ voice sounds hollow and angry. “Because of him.”

“James.” You feel instant panic. Drunk people don’t act like themselves. Drunk people do things they normally wouldn’t.

Anger and alcohol is a terrible, horrible combination and you know it all too well. You have seen it too much.

“James?” you call out now, noticing how he barely responded to the first time. As long as you can draw attention away from the kid. As long as James doesn’t hurt him, because he looks like he’s capable of it.

As long as Nathan will be okay.

You try to walk back a bit, urging Nate to run, but his arms wrap around your waist and he refuses to let you go.

James looks absolutely bewildered – not like himself, like somebody else took over his body, someone really angry.

You know what traumas can do to a person. You’ve seen it too much in your career.

“James, think.”

“It’s _his_ fault that Emily died.” He growls drunkenly, stumbling over his own feet as he tries to move closer.

“James.” You say, your voice dangerously low. You warn him.

He looks at you, his eyes empty.

You grab your phone, hoping he won’t notice.

You text Lincoln SOS with Nathans name and you dial 911, but you tuck the phone back into your pocket when you can distantly hear the dispatcher answer.

“Calm down before I call the police, James. Nathan didn’t kill Emily. Nathan didn’t kill her, do you hear me? He did not kill her. So why don’t you calm down and we can talk about this.” Your nostrils flare in anger.

You watch James’ features change into plain fury.

How fucking dare he put the blame on a child?

“If you hurt him, you know there will be consequences.” You snarl lowly. “You know where you will end up, don’t you?”

“Fuck off, Griffin.” He spits the words. “You and your good intentions. You and your worry. Fuck the hell off.”

“Let. Us. Go.” You ball your fist. Even though you know you won’t stand a chance against him, you’d rather have him attack you than Nathan.

You glance at the boy behind you. He has a pleading look in his eyes, as if he’s telling you not to do it. As if he tells you to run, silently begging you to go.

“I won’t leave you.” you just shake your head.

“This is _my_ house.” James raises his voice. He has so much pain in his eyes, so much sorrow and anger.

It makes you soften a little. You know deep down that he is good man. You know that he is desperate.

“James.” You say softly. “James, do you think Emily would have blamed him?”

“Emily is not here, is she?!” he walks closer again, his fists by his sides.

That’s it.

You lunge forward, your fist meeting his face harder than you intended.

It’s a good thing, though. He stumbles back with the impact, growling when he grabs his face.

You instantly yank Nathan with you, ignoring the pain in your hand, almost pushing him towards the door, but James is faster.

“If he wouldn’t have come into our lives, Emily would still be alive!” James thrusts his index finger through the air, pointing at the boy while he slams the door closed.

“Nathan, go now, take the backdoor.” You warn him. You step backwards again, away from the man, your eyes never leaving the him. “James, think this through.”

“I have!” he snarls, his face bloody from your punch. You don’t even notice the excruciating pain in your hand anymore, all you feel is the adrenaline in your body, your heart pumping it through your veins.

You are alert to any movements the man will make. You slowly walk backwards.

Nathan is still behind you. “Get the hell out of here!” you yell at him, finally watching him move away as he runs away. James wants to run after him, but you stop him by pushing him back.

There is no way in hell that you will let him hurt Nate. You pull back before James can make a move, slowly walking back. You don’t know this house well enough to just run. You can’t escape.

You walk further back, watching him follow you, the emotions playing in his eyes, his cheeks and eyes hollow.

“Whatever you are planning on doing, it won’t bring her back, James.” You simply state. “You can hurt me, but you’ll only ruin your life.”

“It’s already ruined. It was ruined the moment Emily insisted on becoming foster parents when I didn’t even want to be. It was ruined the moment that _fucking_ kid stepped in here.” He scoffs, reaching for you, but you jump back.

You quickly recover when you end up on the wooden floor, quickly running to the door, but James is faster once again. He slams the door in front of your face, towering over you.

You’re fearless. “You’re holding me hostage now?”

He doesn’t speak.

“Let me go, now.” Your nostrils flare. The anger in your chest is just ridiculous.

“He killed her.”

“Do you even believe that yourself?” you want to roll your eyes. “Do you really think that he killed her? James, look at yourself. Look at you. Things happen out of our control and it is certainly not _Nathan’s_ fault.”

“Fuck you, Clarke. I have to live without the love of my life because we took that fucking brat in.” he spits.

“James.” You warn him one last time. You try to weigh out your options. You don’t know how to escape and he is faster than you, even while drunk.

“What are you gonna do, huh?” he grins.

You don’t recognize him. You know that he lost himself the moment Emily died, probably. You know that he is capable of doing absolutely anything right now.

He roughly grabs your arm. You try to make him let go, but his grip is too tight.

“I am telling you to let me go, James. While you still can.” You say. “While you still have a chance of not going to jail.”

His laughter scares you. It suddenly scares you and you realise that you really are in danger.

His fingers dig into your arm painfully hard, pushing you roughly so you end up on the floor, your head smacking against the coffee table in the room. You don’t even feel pain. You try to get up, but his foot on your chest stops you.

He is fucking insane. “I have nothing left to lose.”

“How about yourself?” you look up at him.

“I already lost myself and you know it.” He growls. Your eyes widen when he pulls out a gun from the back of his jeans.

You gasp.

How the fuck did he get a gun? How on earth did you miss this? Your heart is beating in your chest rapidly.

He loads the gun, aiming it at you. “You are just as much a spoiled brat as he is, Griffin. As if I don’t know who you are, daughter of the famous and rich Jake and Abby Griffin.”

“This has _nothing_ to do with Emily.” You say. If this might be your last moment, you know it was worth it.

You saved Nathan.

You can see the gun tremble.

“Are you really going to do it, James?” you challenge him. “Are you really going to kill me because you lost your _wife_?”

His facial expressions tell you that he is struggling internally.

You fear he really is going to shoot you. You close your eyes, thinking about Nathan. You think about Lexa.

God, _Lexa_.

She told you to be careful and you are here, about to be shot. About to _die_.

It is as if time stands still and yet, at the same time it goes really fast. You squeeze your eyes closed, not able to look anymore, not able to look at your fate.

You are crying when you think of Lexa, of your family. Of Lincoln, Raven. Your parents and your brother.

You are crying when you realise you won’t see them again. You feel unable to breathe, the fear suffocating you, the wait for the pull of the trigger too much to bear.

Sirens save you.

You open your eyes when you hear sirens. You already see the flickering lights.

You see how James' eyes widen in realisation, how he is suddenly looking at the gun with disgust, waking from his psychotic phase.

He seems to escape his daze as he throws the gun away, looking at you with so much pain in his eyes that you _almost_ feel bad for him.

He offers his hand to help you up, but you refuse. You stand up yourself, realising only now that you hit your head _really_ hard at the coffee table. You’re bleeding but you don’t feel a thing.

You walk out the door without looking at him, your hands raised.

You watch Lincoln and Nathan, you watch the police storm past you, inside.

You run to Lincoln. You run to the boy.

“Nate!” you call out, your arms already opening. You drop to your knees. “Nate, are you okay?”

He falls into you, crying when his arms are around your shoulders. He sobs in your shoulder. “He hurt you.”

“He would have hurt _you_.” you cry.

You hold him close when you cry hard. You hold him close, looking up at Lincoln. He has worry in his tear-stained eyes.

“There’s an ambulance on the way.” He just says, nodding slightly when he sees the blood on your face.

“I can’t go back there.” Nathan pulls back and you cup his cheeks.

“You don’t have to, okay? You will never go back to him.” You insist. You glance into his brown eyes, making sure that he believes you. “You’re coming home with _me_.”

“What?” both Lincoln and Nathan look at you in surprise.

“I won’t put you with another family.” You shake your head, quite determined. “You can stay with me.”

Nathan seems happy, as if he has almost forgotten today’s events.

You hold him, though.

“Are you serious? Can I sleep at your place?”

“Clarke.” Lincoln shakes his head, silently telling you not to do it, but you glance at him.

“I can’t let him go again. Who knows what will happen.”

“Clarke, you can’t save everybody.”

“I can save _him_.” You insist, standing up. You wipe your forehead, blood smeared on your sleeve. Lincoln instantly leans in to hug you tightly.

“You stubborn ass. Only you get yourself into situations like this.” He groans while you lean your head against his chest.

“He had a gun, Linc. He would’ve killed him.” You whisper, soft enough for Nathan not to hear.

“He _what_?”

“He pulled a gun on me.” You shiver at the thought, trying to shake it off, but you can’t. It’s all you can see right now.

As if you finally realise that you almost died today.

Lincoln pulls back, tears in his eyes. “Clarke. You…”

“You saved me.” Nathan cuts in. He heard. “He could have killed you.”

“He would have killed _you_ if I didn’t stay.” You press him into your side. You care too much about this boy.

“Ma’am? Are you okay?” a police officer softly taps on your shoulder. You nod. “I need your statement.”

“Yeah, of course.” You walk with him to get some privacy.

He asks if you can tell him everything that has happened. You hug yourself while you do so. You hug yourself when your voice cracks as you tell him how James threatened you and Nathan. How he held your arm so roughly you can still feel it, showing the officer the set of fingers burned into your skin.

You shiver when you tell him about being thrown on the floor, your head hitting the table. You tell him how James pulled a gun on you, how he loaded it.

You tell him how James snapped out of it the moment he heard the sirens, how he threw the gun away to help you up.

You don’t realise you’re crying until the officer smiles sympathetically.

“Thank you, Miss Griffin.” He smiles at you, wanting to reach out, but you flinch.

“Sorry.” You shake your head.

“The ambulance is here.” He motions his head. “I suggest you get checked out for your head and your hand. I am sorry this happened to you. Could you give me your number in case we might have more questions?”

“Of course.” You write down your number on his notepad, before turning around to walk to the ambulance.

You have no idea when the sky turned dark. You check your watch. It’s later than you thought it would be.

The EMT is already waiting for you, gesturing for you to sit in the vehicle.

He asks a few things, probably to see if you have a concussion.

“This requires stitches.” He gently cleans your wound after establishing that you are completely fine besides the cut in your forehead.

“Can you do it?”

“I can.” He nods with a smile, already grabbing the required things. He sedates the skin there, quietly working to stitch it up.

“Will it leave a scar?” you ask him. The cut is right above your eyebrow.

“If you take care of it well enough, it won’t.” he smiles. “The stitches dissolve on their own, so there’s no need to go to a hospital to take them out.”

“Thank you.” you smile when he is done. You notice that you are still tense. You notice that you are feeling stressed. He cleans the wound on your hand from bursting James’ face. He wraps gauze around it gently, but you feel so much.

You can’t stop shaking, you can’t push away the image of a gun pointed at you.

“Breathe.” The EMT smiles. Your gaze lowers to his chest. His nametag says Collins.

His hands are on your shoulders. He makes you look at him, his brown eyes kind and friendly. “It’s completely normal. The adrenaline is leaving your body, hence the panic you start to feel.”

“Yeah?” you smile, but it doesn’t reach your eyes.

“Yes. Just inhale for three seconds, exhale six seconds.” He helps you through it.

You can feel the pressure on your chest leaving slowly when you follow his breathing.

“See?” he smiles. “You’re fine. Take care of those wounds, clean it a couple of times a day. Don’t touch it too much.”

“I won’t. Thank you.”

“Goodday, Miss Griffin.” His smile is flirtatious.

“Good evening.” You leave the ambulance.

You watch how Lincoln is still with Nathan, the two leaning against his car. Another EMT has taken care of Nathan.

“Hey.” You try to crack out a smile. “How about we ask those officers if we can grab your stuff?”

“Yeah.” He nods.

You are grateful when you remember that Aden left his bed so you’d have a proper guestroom. Nathan could easily sleep there.

You watch how the cops take James into one of the police cars. He is cuffed.

James doesn’t look at you at all.

You make your way over to one of the officers, softly discussing if it would be possible to grab Nathan’s things. You tell them that you have the bags already packed.

One of the officers guides you inside and you take them.

You tremble when you walk past the coffee table, seeing some blood smeared on the edge. It’s yours, you know this.

Flashes of James aiming his gun at you has you almost running out of the house, escaping into safety.

You put Nathan’s bags in the trunk.

“We should go.”

“Do you want me to call Jaha?” Lincoln asks, looking just as worried as before.

“I’ll call him.” You shake your head. You have to call Lexa, too.

You call her first, already placing Nathan in your car before grabbing your phone.

“Hello?” Lexa’s voice is soft.

“Hey, it’s me.” Your voice cracks instantly while you try to hold yourself together.

“What’s wrong?”

Oh, how well she knows you already.

“I uh… I’m sorry but I can’t come over tonight.” You apologize, pinching the bridge of your nose. You wonder if you should tell her what happened.

You don’t want her to get worried.

“What happened?” the tone in Lexa’s voice tells you that you showed the fact that you are pretty shaken up.

“Uhm, Nathan’s foster dad lost it.” You say vaguely.

“Did he hurt one of you?” Lexa sounds frustrated.

“We’re fine, Lexa. He has been taken into custody.” You insist. “I just… I can’t come tonight.”

“I want to see you.”

“I can’t. I am taking Nathan home with me.” You say.

“What?”

“I… I can’t place him anywhere else. I won’t. I am taking him home.” You answer her question. It feels weird to confide in her. It feels weird to tell her things like this.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“He’ll be safe with you. But I still want to see you, Clarke.” Her voice is so, so soft. You close your eyes, quietly imagining her with you.

You could use a hug or two.

“I’ll be fine, Lexa. I can… we can meet tomorrow. I will see you soon, okay?” You try to convince her. “I have to go now.”

“Be safe, okay?” her tone is still worried.

“I will.”

You hang up the phone, instantly moving to call Jaha to give him a report on tonight’s events.

He isn’t happy about it. He is absolutely not amused. He sounds frustrated, worried about you and the boy.

You tell him that you’re taking Nathan with you. You know that everybody knows that Nathan is special to you. You know you’re legally qualified to take in a foster kid. You went through the whole process once, thinking that maybe one day you could take kids in, too.

It never came to that, but right now you are grateful that you are licensed.

You are eternally grateful when Jaha lets you take him, too. He tells you to take care of the boy. It’s unusual, but everybody knows that you and Nathan have… grown close.

Jaha does force you to take at least two weeks off, to just… find some rest. You agree. This way, you can think of what to do next, this way you can figure things out.

You quickly hang up the phone, ready to take Nathan home.

You give Lincoln a hug. “We’ll be fine.”

“I know you will. Call me if you need anything, okay?” he says softly, cupping your chin for a moment. “Don’t ever pull a weird stunt like that again.”

“Can’t promise anything.” You try to joke.

“Goodnight, Clarke.” He smiles lightly.

“Goodnight, Linc.”

You move to step into your car.

“Are you ready?” you watch the boy in the rear-view mirror.

“Yeah.” He nods.

“Good.”

“Were you afraid?” he asks, his voice smaller than you’ve ever heard before.

“I was afraid that he would hurt you.” you admit, starting to drive home. “I was afraid that he would hurt you so much that you wouldn’t recover.”

“You care about me.” Nate states, as a matter of fact.

“Yes, silly, I have told you this before.” You smile, keeping your eyes on the road as you glide through the city at night.

“He almost killed you.” he now sounds like he is on the verge of crying. You reach your right hand back between the seats, gently squeezing his knee.

“He didn’t. We’re both right here. We are both fine.” You assure him. Perhaps you’re assuring yourself, too. “We are okay.”

“Clarke?”

“Yeah, buddy?”

“I care about you, too. I… thank you for everything.” He pouts when you look in the mirror again.

It makes you smile. “Don’t be weird, Nate. You don’t have to thank me.”

“I want to. Nobody has ever done things for me the way you did.” He smiles, but you can see the tears in his eyes. “Nobody cared for me like you.”

Your heart breaks all over again when you watch him stare out the window, a sad expression on his face.

“And I won’t stop caring about you, okay?” you insist. “You’ll always have me.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.” You nod. He looks at you.

The rest of the drive is silent. You and Nathan don’t bother to speak. You know you are both trying to process what happened tonight. You know that this could… stay for a while.

Assault is a traumatic event after all.

You remember how your heart stopped the moment James pulled a gun on you. You remember the fear, but also a certain acceptance, that you made the right decision to go in there.

You were willing to let yourself get killed for Nathan. It makes you think. Think about what Raven told you, about what Lincoln told you.

No matter how much you love life, your family, Lexa, you’d do it all over again, just to give the boy a chance to have something you always did – a true family.

People that care about you.

People that want you to be happy.

“You’re in luck.” You suddenly say, when you enter your street.

“Oh?”

“Maybe we can play some soccer tomorrow!” you laugh, watching his eyes starting to sparkle.

“Really?”

“Yes, really. I brought your ball.” You laugh, parking the car near your door, stepping out to grab Nathan’s bags.

He follows you as you open the door, taking the elevator up to your floor.

He is looking pretty tired, but he smiles when you wink at him.

You tug him into your apartment, only to have a heart attack when you watch your brother sitting on the couch. “Ade!”

“Clarke! You’re home early.” He seems surprised.

“What are you doing here?” you feel how Nathan presses into your side and you hold him close, dropping the bags.

You watch your brother stand up, only now noticing the boy with you. He smiles instantly.

“Who do we have here?” he grins.

“I’m Nathan.” Nate grins. “You’re Aden Griffin.”

“I am.” Aden smiles, walking up to the both of you to shake his hand. You smile when you watch your brother interact with the boy.

“Ade, what are you doing here?” you ask him again.

“Oh, right! Well, I forgot my Xbox and my games, so I figured I could stop by…” he quirks a brow. “I thought you were with Lexa.”

He only grins in amusement, but worry forms on his face when he gets a good look at you. “Wait, what happened to your face? And your hand…”

“Clarke protected me from my foster dad!”

“Nate.” You hiss. You roll your eyes when Aden throws another worried look your way.

“I’m fine, Ade. I just… Nate will be staying here the next few days. Or more.” You explain, motioning to the bags.

You check the time. It’s just after ten.

“Hey, I haven’t taken the Xbox out yet.” Aden wiggles his eyebrows to the boy. “Wanna play?”

“Yeah! Can I?” Nate looks up at you. You smile.

“Of course.” You watch how Aden and Nathan basically jump on your couch. Smiling, you shake your head, taking Nathans stuff into Aden’s old bedroom.

It will be weird, you know this. It’ll be hard, but you need to do this for him. You can’t leave him again.

You put his stuff in the closet, sighing deeply. You don’t know why you’re doing this. You don’t know why you take him in, you don’t know why you care about Nathan like this.

A thought goes through your head. A strange thought that Lincoln planted in your head the last time you went to have dinner with your parents. A thought your mother confirmed when she came by to take care of you when you were sick.

The thought of adoption. You know it’s hell to adopt a kid. You know it costs money to get legal guidance, you know that it costs time, that it will take a long time to be able to make it official, but you are thinking about it.

You are actually considering it. You forget about your age, you forget that you feel like you’re too young to be a mom.

You think about how things would be if you’d actually do it.

You find yourself smiling at the idea. You find yourself wondering if Nathan would like it. You think he would. Maybe, in time.

Maybe _someday_.

You think he would love to play with Aden, Lincoln and Raven. Lexa, too. Your parents even.

He met them all, with the exception of Raven.

He knows them already, it’s familiar for him. And you know that he is comfortable with them, so why the hell not?

 _Someday_.

You don’t realise you’re staring at the closet, not until there is a soft knock on the door.

“Hmm?” you turn around, only to find Lexa standing in the doorway, leaning against it with her arms crossed in front of her chest.

A smile breaks on your face, but worry forms on hers the moment her eyes linger on your forehead.

“You’re hurt.” She states.

“I am fine, Lexa.” You smile at her, walking closer.

“You’re not.” She shakes her head. “Lincoln told me.”

“What?” you huff, shaking your head. “Why?”

“I called him because I was worried about you and I figured he must have known since you’re working together.” she still leans against the doorway, as if she is still hesitant about being able to touch you. She purses her lips and you can’t help but admire her beauty right now. “I’m sorry I came here, I just… he told me that you almost _died_ , Clarke.”

“He is overreacting.” You don’t even know why you are trying to sugarcoat this. It’s the truth – you almost died.

“ _Clarke_.”

You can tell that Lexa is upset. You can tell that she tries to hold back her worry. You can tell by the wild look in her eyes, the trembling of her bottom lip.

Instead of speaking more, you reach for her. You pull her close, your arms wrapping around her waist, your cheek on her shoulder, your nose pressed against the warm skin in her neck.

She instantly reciprocates, holding you tightly, clutching onto you like you’re her lifeline. You close your eyes. Yeah, you were scared tonight.

You try to forget it, but now that Lexa has mentioned it again, now that she is actually here, you realise the intensity of the situation, you realise what could have happened.

You realise that you could have been _gone_. You clutch onto her just as much as she is holding you, trying to ignore the memories of James.

Trying to ignore the fear that runs through your veins when you see it in your head vividly. It’ll be burned into your mind forever.

You barely notice that you’re crying. You are barely noticing that you cry your heart out against her, your head propping under her chin. It’s like you only now feel everything that has happened to you tonight.

It is like you are only now feeling _everything_ , your love for Lexa, your fears, your insecurities, your memories, your traumas. Everything that you see with these kids every day, all the misery and the pain.

You cry it all out. You cry it all out for the very first time, after years of putting it away, years of hiding from your own feelings.

And she holds you. She cries with you. She is there for you and you realise now how much you need her. She is the only one capable of making you feel like this – the real you. She uncovers you, she makes you want to be okay.

You barely notice how she shuffles to the bed, only to collapse on it together.

You barely notice that she pulls you on top of her, your face pressed in her neck as you ruin her shirt with your tears.

She holds you, her arms, her body – it is all you can feel. It is all you need.

You cry, you feel her cry. You feel her tears falling on your cheek.

“You’re okay.” She shushes you, her fingers scratching gently on your scalp, in your hair, comforting you.

“How did you even get in here?” you ask, your voice raspy from the crying.

“Aden and Nathan let me in.” her voice is a whisper only. You look up, trying to wipe away the tears from your face.

“Of course they did.”

You watch her. You watch her reddened eyes, you watch the tears drying up on her cheeks. You wipe them away with your thumb gently, before softly attaching your lips to her jaw, sighing in simple content. “I am sorry for worrying you, Lexa.”

“Don’t be.”

You’ve apologised to her many times by now and she keeps telling you not to be sorry. You wonder if your apologies are not necessary.

You brush your lips up to meet hers. It’s the softest kiss you have ever shared with her. You don’t even move your mouth, you just feel her softness against you.

You enjoy every second of it, noticing how _safe_ it makes you feel.

When you pull back, you meet her half-lidded stare. The tiniest smile tugs on the corner of her lips as you brush away a few strands of hair from her face.

“I love you, too.” You mumble, finally saying the words that have been waiting to be released from your lips the past days.

Your gaze roams over her face.

You watch her eyes widen. You hear her breathing stop, her lips parting in surprise.

You wait for her to say something, you look at her. You trace her jaw with your finger, smiling when she smiles, too.

“You don’t have to say it.” She breathes, her arm tight around you, her free hand cupping your cheek.

“I want to.” You say, pressing a soft kiss on her chin. “I mean it, Lexa.”

You lean your head on her shoulder, throw your arm around her waist.

You close your eyes, inhaling her scent. Feeling her warmth. You can’t help yourself when you nuzzle your face in her neck once again.

“Hmm, this is my happy place.” You press a soft kiss on her pulse point, smiling when she wraps her arms around you once again, quite protectively.

A kiss is being pressed on your head as you lie with her, so completely content. Feeling happy. For the very first time in your life it just feels so right, so perfect.

You smile, throwing one leg over hers. You keep your eyes closed, just inhaling her scent, a simple reminder that everything will be okay.

A reminder that you’re safe.

That is how the two of you drift off to sleep.

\\\

“Do you think they’re dead?”

“Nah, they’re breathing. Clarke is snoring, even.”

“It’s very cute. Are they officially together?”

“Hell yeah. Look at them. They definitely said their ‘I love you’s’.”

“About time! Geez, how they were eye fucking the entire time was just really getting out of hand.”

“Raven! Watch your mouth. There’s a kid here.”

“I am not a kid!”

“Yeah, you are, boy.”

“Ahwww. Look at them, all snuggled up.”

“Quick, take a picture before they wake up. We gotta send this into the groupchat.”

“Is Clarke drooling?”

“I don’t know, Nate.”

“She totally is. She always drools. She drooled over my boobs the other day.”

“What on earth was she doing sleeping on your boobs?”

“We like to cuddle. Get over it.”

You have heard enough. You open your eyes, hearing several gasps.

“She’s alive, people!” Raven exclaims. You watch her hovering over you.

The way Lexa is still smiling happily tells you that she is still fast asleep, not noticing anything of what is happening.

You watch Raven, Lincoln, Aden and Nathan stand around the bed.

“How on earth did you all get here?” you softly ask, not wanting to wake the brunette. You yawn.

“Well… since you two were asleep, Aden and I slept in your bed.” Nathan grins.

“I wanted to check on you.” Lincoln explains, grinning widely. “Since you know, last night might have been traumatic, but you seem just fine.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. You guys are invading my privacy.” You groan. “Don’t you have jobs to go to?”

With that, Lexa shoots up. Her eyes are wide in shock, almost knocking you off the bed.

“Did I hear job? I have to get to school!”

“It’s Sunday.” Nathan grins, bumping his fist with Aden’s.

“I am so sorry I fell asleep.” You apologize to the boy.

“Don’t worry, I took care of him.” Aden grins. “I think I found a new best friend.”

“Hey! What about me?” Raven pouts, dropping on her knees in front of the boys. You watch how Lincoln and Raven start fighting each other to earn the boy’s affection, making you laugh.

You try to crawl back on the bed. Lexa mouths an apology, but you shrug it off. She has sleepy hair, yawns a few times before sitting up.

She is adorable.

“Okay, guys, can you give us a minute?” you scoot them out the room, watching Lincoln and Raven starting to physically fight. “No fighting in my apartment, kids!”

“Are they always like that?” Lexa’s eyes are wide when they leave the room, closing the door behind them. You drop yourself back on the bed.

“Pretty much, yeah.” You open your arms, letting her fall into them. “Is it weird when I say that I love waking up with you?”

“It’s not weird.” She grins, kissing your lips softly. She wants to deepen it, but you pull back.

“I have a terrible morning breath.” You scrunch up your nose, making her let out a small chuckle.

She kisses you anyway. She kisses you deeply, making you moan into her softly. God, you have missed kissing her like this, even though it was only last night when you last did it.

“Hmm, I promised Nate we would go play soccer. Want to join?” you mumble breathlessly.

“I would love to.”

“Isn’t this weird since Nathan is like… your student?”

“Well, we were already closer than the usual teacher-student thing.” She grins. “Ever since we played soccer with him I have been giving him some extra attention.”

You grin. “I know that… uhm… it might be soon and I thought I wasn’t ready for it but… after everything that's happened I just feel like we shouldn't waste time, you know? So... do you want to be my girlfriend? Like, officially?”

Her smile is so fucking worth it. “Yes.”

She moves to pepper your face with kisses until you laugh, screaming mercy.

You fall silent when you look at her for a moment.

“Uhm… as your girlfriend, I should be talking to you about this. About Nate. He’s going to live with me now.”

“I care about him too, you know.” She smiles. You nuzzle your face into her neck.

“So you’re okay with him living with me for now?”

“I’d be okay with him living with you forever.” She smiles, her arms tightly around you.

“I am glad. He loves you.” you murmur.

“He loves you more.” Lexa teases.

“I don’t doubt that.” You tease back.

“That’s rude.” She tickles your sides, but you don’t really respond. You’re not ticklish, not until someone basically pinches your sides. You don’t think she knows that, though.

But she does, oh she does. She pinches your side and you squeal, laughing instantly when you sit up.

You watch her eyes sparkle, her smile so wide. She is so beautiful.

“I am so lucky to have you.” you mumble when she gives up. You hover above her, staring down into her eyes. Her hair is displayed around her head, her hands tugging on your hips to pull you closer.

“Yes, you are.”

You giggle. You giggle like a little girl when she pulls you in for a searing kiss.

You smile into her lips, just simply enjoying the moment.

“I love you.” you say again. It is just too good. Too good to say.

“I love you too, Clarke.”

\\\

You end up going to the beach with all of your friends, but not before Raven tucks you into your room to have a private conversation.

“Clarke.” Her look is more serious than you’ve ever seen her. “Lincoln told me what happened last night.”

“Yeah?” you try to smile, but you don’t stand a chance when Raven roughly pulls you into a soul crushing hug. She clings onto you the same way that you held Lexa last night.

You reciprocate, holding your best friend close as you press your face into her shoulder. You cup the back of her head as she holds you in silence.

“You could’ve died, you idiot.” A muffled cry mixed with laughter sounds from your neck. “What would I do without you?”

“Live with Aden? Lincoln? Bother my parents? Options enough.” You try to joke, but she pulls back.

Her arms are around your waist and you cup her face, looking into her dark eyes. “I’m right here.”

“Yeah.” She nods, her eyes roaming your face as if she’s trying to remind herself that you’re really here. “I love you, Clarke. You’re my best friend. You are all I have, really.”

“You don’t just have _me_ , Rae.” You remind her gently.

“I know, I know, but you… you’ve always been there. You’re my sister, you’re my family and I just… for a moment there I realised what it would mean to lose you and I just can’t. I can’t lose you.” she bites her lips, trying to hold back her emotions.

“I’m right here, Raven. You’re stuck with me.” You laugh softly, pulling her back into a hug.

You hold her close. You hold her close and you have no idea for how long but you and her both need it.

You hold her against you, the woman you consider family, too.

“Okay, enough with the sentiment.” Raven pulls back laughingly, wiping her face clean from tears.

She leans in, pressing a kiss against your cheek. “I love you and only god knows why.”

You chuckle. “I love you too, Reyes.”

“Whatever. Let’s go to the beach.” she smiles, but not before crushing you into one last hug.

She holds onto you in a way that you know that she means her words. You know that she loves you and you love her back just as much.

She is your sister. She always has been. She's been there for more than ten years and you know you can't live without her either.

When she pulls back, she kisses your cheek, smiling when she realises you really are okay. You nudge her shoulder softly. 

"You won't get rid of me that easily." you tease, smiling when she just rolls her eys.

Another kiss on your cheek, her hand in yours, she pulls you back into the livingroom.

Everyone is ready to go. Lexa smiles, Nate right by her side.

“You okay?” she mouths your way and you give her a subtle nod.

You all move to the beach.

It’s not all too hot, but the weather is perfect enough. Nathan is in his element. Aden and Nathan play rock-paper-scissors to determine who can pick a teammate first.

Nathan wins, leaving a pouting Aden stand next to the boy. You grin. Aden is good for Nate.

“Clarke!” Nathan bounces on his heels excitedly when he picks you first. You watch Lincoln roll his eyes playfully.

“Of course he chooses you first.” He winks at you, smiling at Nathan.

“I’d pick you next!” Nathan seems worried all the sudden. You move to stand by the boys side, throwing an arm around his shoulder.

Aden picks Lexa. You pout when your girlfriend moves to stand with your brother. Lexa just grins smugly, as if she’s determined to win from you.

“Then I choose Linc!” Nate is too excited.

“Oh, great, so I am being picked last?!” Raven throws her hands in the air in frustration. “I can see now where your priorities lie, bitches.”

“Rae! Language.” You hiss at her, but she just sticks out her tongue, making Nathan giggle.

You make goals from your vests and sweaters.

You take Lincoln and Nathan with you, sneakily glancing at the opposing team.

“Okay, so Nate, Lexa is ticklish. When she tries to come near you just tickle her until she drops. Raven is quite clumsy, so just try to tackle her, it should be easy.” You grin.

“Are we cheating?” Nathan’s eyes grow wide.

“Only the first round okay?” you bump his fist.

“What about Aden?” Lincoln bends over, wrapping his arms around you and Nathan.

“Aden is good at soccer. I suggest you take him out, you are stronger and bigger than he is. Just tackle him.” You nod determinedly. “Okay, so uhm… Nate, you will do Lexa then? I will take care of Raven.”

“Okay.” Nate looks just as determined as you and you laugh.

“Only one round! I know we are better than them, okay?”

“Let’s go!” Lincoln exclaims.

The ball is in the middle of the field. Nate blows his special whistle and both teams storm towards the ball.

Nathan instantly ducks to Lexa, grabbing her in the waist to start tickling her. They fall into the sand with a loud shriek from Lexa while you watch how Nate straddles her to tickle her more.

You instantly tackle Raven, almost tumbling on top of Lexa and Nathan in the process. You burst out in laughter when Raven aggressively fights both you and Nathan, rolling through the sand.

Soon, Aden and Lincoln join too and you are all just struggling in the sand, trying to pin down the opposite team.

“We win!” you straddled Raven. Nathan is still sitting atop Lexa and Lincoln pants heavily while he holds Aden down.

“This is _soccer_!” Lexa yells, laughing loudly, trying to tickle Nathan back, but the boy isn’t nearly as ticklish as she is.

“Fuck you!” Raven can’t stop laughing, trying to fight you, but you catch her hands in yours, dropping yourself next to your best friend.

It’s good. It’s fucking perfect. You want more moments like this with your family.

It’s fucking perfect.

“Language, Raven.” You laugh again, poking her sides teasingly, completely out of breath.

“So, are we going to play fair now?” Lexa has managed to control Nate by now as she sits up, the boy half in her lap.

It looks fucking adorable. You melt. You melt at the sight of the two of them, smiling like an idiot.

“We didn’t even score!” you exclaim. Exactly in that moment, both Lincoln and Nathan stand up, run to the ball to score.

Aden groans loudly. “Cheating!”

“We didn’t even set the rules!” you bounce back, high fiving Nathan and Lincoln the moment they return.

You laugh, helping Lexa and Raven back up on their feet.

“Asshole.” Raven licks your cheek, but regrets it the moment she realises she had been licking sand from your face.

She gags, sticking out her tongue in a failed attempt to wipe off the sand.

You snicker. Everybody laughs at Raven.

“Fuck you!” she gags more.

“LANGUAGE!” everyone yells in unison.

You can’t stop laughing at your best friend. You pull her in a short hug, patting her on the back teasingly.

“Fuck you, too, Clarke! This is all your fault!” she yells, but her brown eyes are playful.

“Raven. Seriously. _Language_.” You say sternly, but you can’t hold back your laughter.

Arms wrap around your waist all the sudden, lifting you up from the sand. You instantly start fighting.

“No!” you scream.

You know it’s Lexa. You feel how she is moving towards the ocean and you don’t stand a chance.

“NOO!” you yell, watching how Aden drags a laughing Lincoln into the ocean.

Raven takes Nathan and before you know it, you are being dropped into the ocean.

“My stitches!” you yell, instantly moving out of the water. You watch how Lexa looks worried all the sudden, helping you up.

You grin mischievously when you pull her down again with you, completely soaked to the skin.

“Damn it, Clarke!” she laughs. It’s pretty shallow here, so you just sit on your ass, Lexa half landed in your lap.

You wrap your arms around her waist, and she worriedly checks the stiches in your forehead.

“It’s fine. They dissolve after a few days. Probably have to clean it now, though.” You smile at her.

She’s just as drenched as you are, looking adorable with her hair messed up. Her hands cup your face when she leans down to kiss you.

It’s salty, from the water. It’s salty, but it’s perfect. It’s everything you want, all that you need.

Your _family_.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive always wanted nate to end up with clarke. i just needed clarke to have a legit reason to finally realise its the best choice to take him in. i know this probably never goes like this in real life but well, its fiction for a reason ;)


	9. you're not alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 18k words today!
> 
> This is the last chapter from Clarke's POV. It's a bit cheesy, but then again that's what i promised in my tags (sort of)
> 
> I've been thinking about what to put in it, there were so many things i still wanted to say but i made a selection since well... I put up 10 chapters from the start and i am ridiculously compulsive so i cant change the amount of chapters xD
> 
> ps: the hardest part about this fic is coming up with chapter names.... never doing that again xD
> 
> also mentions of sexual abuse here.
> 
> So, again, last chapter from Clarke's pov.

\\\

You adjust. You get used to the nightmares that pop up every now and then. Your family worries, you know this. You’ve told them what happened specifically and nobody liked what they heard.

Lexa worries, too.

You’re grateful that you don’t sleep with her often since Nate moved in with you. This way, she won’t see you waking up drenched in sweat every now and again.

It doesn’t happen often, but when it does you feel alone and you just want to cry.

It’s only been a week and a half, really. Your last week off from work, your last week of getting your shit together.

Things with Nate have been good. You two both needed some time to get used to each other, but with those two weeks off, being able to bring him to school every day and taking the time to get to know him has been doing the both of you really good.

You’d catch a glimpse of _her_ every now and then when you bring him and pick him up from school. You would feel this certain pride whenever you thought about the job your girlfriend has.

She’s a fucking teacher. She teaches kids. It just… it melts your heart when you think about it, when you think about the fact that you both have this love for children, that you both want to help wherever you can.

Nathan teases you about it. He teases you about Lexa and you know that he adores her. Not that you mind the teasing, it’s cute, really.

But you’ve been thinking. His school is on the other side of town. It would be handier if you could let him change schools, but you’re worried that he will lose his friends.

Perhaps you should talk to him about it. You don’t want to let him do anything he doesn’t want to, not like that.

Aden left his Xbox here. You’re pretty sure that he is never going to pick it up anymore.

He has been stopping by every other day, just to check on you and Nate. Aden is… so good.

He is so good for Nathan, making the boy feel at home and you know your twin already loves the ten-year-old. You know Nate loves him just as much, too.

It’s good. It really is. You have been over to your parents for dinner the other night with Aden and Nate, you were able to propose your gift, wanting Nate to come with, too.

Your parents almost didn’t want to take it. They said that if you would ever go to New York with them, they’d want to take the whole family.

Including all your significant others, friends and now Nate, too.

It had only made you smile, but they eventually agreed on going to New York with just you, Aden and Nate. Though, they kind of told you to maybe postpone it to next year. They had mischievous grins when they asked that, making you truly suspicious about their plans this year.

Nathan had been in his element, at your parents' place. He had been stunned by the large house, the giant pool at your parents and your father had been absolutely over the moon when he was able to play with his ‘grandchild’ as he called Nate.

You didn’t even bother correcting him.

It just sits well with you. Nate has been good.

For the way he’s been neglected his entire life, he is so well behaved and thoughtful and sometimes you wonder if it’s him raising you instead of the other way around. He sometimes really pulls back into his own shell, though, and you don't mind. You understand. He's been through a lot and you recognize some of that in your own behaviour - your tendencies to not tell people whenever you don't feel okay. 

He has that, too.

And then there is Lexa.

God, Lexa has been so good for you. She’s been subtly checking up with you, but not pushing you to do anything and you need that.

You need to take things slow with her, despite the fact she’s already your girlfriend. So much has happened and it all went so fast. You just need time to process.

You instantly smile when you think of Lexa, though. You still haven’t had the time to take her out on a real date and you want to do it soon.

It’s been too long since you’ve seen her, really. It’s been too long since you’ve been able to touch her.

“What’s on your mind?” Raven mumbles.

You snap out of your train of thoughts, grinning when you look at your best friend.

“Lexa.” You take a bite of the sandwich you ordered, in the little shop where you and Raven somehow started having lunch the past week and a half.

It’s good to see her every day. It’s good to be able to talk to her often. You missed her.

“Hmm, I thought so. You were being all goofy, so it was either Nathan or Lexa.” The Latina laughs.

“I can’t help it.” You mutter, trying to hide your blush behind the glass of orange juice. “Rae?”

“Yeah?” her brown eyes are curious, but mischievous.

“What’s the deal with you and Anya?” you have been meaning to ask this for a while now. Raven has not been open about it, she’s barely spoken about the girl anymore, despite the fact that your best friend is usually quite open about her private life - a little too open from time to time.

“We’re having sex.” Your best friend quirks a brow.

“And?” you encourage her to continue, but she sighs.

“And _nothing_.”

“Rae.”

“She’s just as oblivious as you’ve been, okay?” she suddenly snaps.

You smile softly, but raise your hands in innocence.

“Sorry, that was rude.” Raven shakes her head, fiddling with her glass.

Her hair is tucked in that signature Raven Reyes ponytail with just a few braids in it to make it more... Raven.

“It really bothers you, doesn’t it?” you don’t want to push her, but you know her. She only talks about the things that bother her when you ask specifically.

“I…” she sighs, her eyes searching yours. “I think I might…”

“…be in love with her?” you reach over the table to take one of her hands in yours. She nods with a painful smile. “Then tell her.”

“What if she doesn’t care?”

This sounds awfully familiar. “Rae, it took Lexa confessing that she loved me for me to see. Maybe Anya… needs the same thing.”

“She’s not like you, Clarke. She’s closed up, I can’t _read_ her. You’re easy to read. Everyone knew that you were crazy about Lexa.” She grins now, but it falters.

“Just ask her out. You don’t have to confess your love for her, just ask her on a date and see how she responds.” You offer. She seems to think about it.

“I could do that.”

“That’s my girl.” You smile proudly.

“It’s just that… she’s really, really difficult when it comes to emotions. When we talk, like _really_ talk, it’s with others around us, but the moment we’re alone it’s just sex.”

“You’d have to ask her what is going on.” You finish your sandwich. “But well, who am I to give relationship advice?”

Raven let’s out an amused huff. “Well, at least you have a girlfriend. And Linc has a girl and Aden and… wow, we are all very, very much into girls.”

You snort. “We are, aren’t we.”

“Girls are better anyway.” Raven laughs, but it falters before you have a chance to laugh with her.

Her hand is still in yours. “I’m sure that things will work out, Rae. Just try and talk to her.”

“I will, Clarke.” Her smile is more hopeful than before.

"I'd say she would be a fool not to want to be with you." you wink at her.

"You got it, Griffin." Raven falls back into relaxation and you're happy to see that. A relieved sigh escapes her lips when she slouches in her chair.

You squeeze her palm before pulling back, checking the time on the watch on your right wrist. “Don’t you have a fancy mechanic job to get back to?”

“You want me gone, Griffin?” she sticks out her tongue. You pay for lunch, quickly guiding your friend outside.

You give her a tight hug. “I love you, Raven. You know that, right?”

“Of course, I do.” She scoffs. “Who _doesn’t_ love me?”

You roll your eyes laughing, tucking the sunglasses on the tip of your nose.

“All jokes aside, Griffin, I love you too.” Raven pecks your cheek, her arm wrapped around your waist as you guide her to her car.

“You better, Reyes.” You smirk. You watch her enter her car and she speeds off before you know it.

You shake your head in amusement.

Your phone rings the moment you are on your way to walk home. It’s just a beautiful day and you don’t mind the long walk.

“Hello?” you pick it up, not seeing the name on the screen.

“Clarke, hey, it’s me!” Lincoln calls out. “Jaha finally hired a few new people. They're starting Monday.”

“About time.” You sigh, grinning when you walk down the street.

“Yeah. So, you’re coming back on Monday?” his tone is hopeful. “Because well… I can’t guide them on my own.”

“Are they new to the business?”

“Both just coming in from university. They had another job before but nothing like this.” He affirms.

“Okay. Well, yeah, I am coming back on Monday so don’t worry about it.” You smile. “How have you been?”

“Probably better than you.” He chuckles. “Anyway, I was originally calling you because I wanted to invite you and Lexa on a double date with Octavia.”

“Just Octavia or you, too?” you joke, making him sigh deeply.

“You know what I mean, Clarke.” You can hear the roll of his eyes through the phone.

“Sorry.” You can’t stop giggling at yourself. “But I would love to. When and what did you have in mind?”

“Oh, I don’t know yet. Octavia is busy working this weekend. Doctors don't have time off often. Maybe the weekend after that?” he offers.

“Sure. Have you met Aden’s girl yet?” you grin then.

“No, I am pretty sure that he wants you to meet her first.” Lincoln chuckles. “Although he has been talking about her a lot.”

“We should triple date, too.” You laugh. “Who would’ve thought that dating would _actually_ be so much fun?!”

You hear a loud laugh on the other end of the line. You hear him snicker before he finally recovers to answer.

“Clarke, dating is _supposed_ to be nice, you know this right? You’re supposed to enjoy the person you’re dating with.”

“Oh, I know.” You laugh now. “It’s just.. we all started dating around the same time, all of the sudden. Our family is expanding.”

“It’s great, isn’t it?” he sighs happily. “Anyway, I have an appointment. I gotta go. Text you about the date?”

“Absolutely.”

\\\

You are just about to decide to invite Lexa on a date when she calls you.

“Hey.” You smile into your phone, working on dinner around your kitchen. Aden is sitting on your couch with Nathan, textbooks sprawled over it while your twin explains some of the boys homework to him.

“Hey, how are you?” Lexa’s voice is soft and sweet. You can hear the smile lingering there.

“I’m good. I miss you.” The moment you say the words, you see both Nate and Aden look at you with grins on their faces.

You huff, turning around to ignore the wiggles of their eyebrows.

“What’s that huff for?” your girlfriend lets out a small giggle.

“Aden and Nathan are giving me the look.” You just laugh, stirring the sauce for the cheap pasta you’re making for the guys.

“What look?”

“Oh, the; ‘Clarke is in love’ look.” You are grinning, ignoring the childish chuckles coming from the couch.

The only response Lexa is giving is just the cutest, held-back laugh.

“How are you?” you ask softly.

“Oh, I am good. I just wanted to ask you if you maybe wanted to come over tonight. You know, maybe just watch a movie? I understand if it’ll be tough with Nate, though.”

“One minute.” You hold the phone to your chest. “Ade?”

“Yeah?” he grins, winking at you, high-fiving the boy.

You roll your eyes. “Would you mind staying here tonight?”

“Are you going on a date with Lexa?” Nate grins the same way Aden does and you can’t seem to stop rolling your eyes.

“Would it matter?” you shake your head in amusement, leaning against the kitchen counter.

“We are just very interested in your love life, baby sis.” Aden grins, but he quickly focuses back on the boy when you send him your sternest glare. “It’s fine, Clarke. You go have fun.”

You smile, bringing the phone back to your ear.

All you hear is Lexa’s laugh.

“What?” you grin.

“Nothing. I just heard Aden and Nathan.”

“Ignore them. Anyway, Aden wants to stay here for Nate, so uhm… yeah I could come over tonight.” You can feel your heart flutter at the idea.

“Dinner, too?”

“Oh, I’m just cooking for the boys.”

“We can eat alone, Clarke!” Aden calls out, making your chuckle.

“Nonsense, I’m already cooking anyway.” You say, but Nathan and Aden motion to the door with wide, commanding eyes. “Geez, okay, I am clearly welcome in my own house. I’ll come over soon. I can be there in an hour.”

“Okay. Wanna order pizza?”

“Sure.” You finish up your conversation when Aden joins you in the kitchen, taking over your cooking.

You hang up the phone, looking at your brother for a moment. “You know, for someone who’s moved out, you sure do spend a lot of time here.”

He smiles at you warmly. “Gotta make sure you and Nate are okay.”

“Yeah?” you smile.

“Of course. You’ve had a rough time, so did he.” He mumbles as he throws the pasta in the boiling water.

You look at your brother for a moment. His hair is shorter than you’ve ever seen it. Shaved on the sides, but longer on the top. It’s neatly tucked back, a few wild strands escaping the wax.

His blue eyes are sparkling when they meet your own, his smile mirroring your own. He looks really good, you notice. He has been working out, his muscles flexing while he stirs the sauce.

“How are things with Ontari?” you ask quickly, since you really want to go to Lexa, but you just have to know.

The grin on his face tells you that they might just be fine. “We’re good. Like, really good. I want you to meet her.”

“I’ve been waiting forever for you to say that.” You nudge his shoulder with your hand.

“Maybe we can have dinner at my place? Take Lexa and Nathan, too.” He smiles, glancing at the boy on the couch.

“You really like him, don’t you?” you smile happily.

“Of course I do. You have a great taste in people, that includes him. You’re always the one to give me friends.” He laughs.

“True. Are you sure you don’t mind if I go to Lexa tonight?” you search his face, but he shakes his head.

“Go. You need to spend some time with your girl. I’ll sleep here tonight.”

“Wait, sleep?” your eyes widen.

“Yes, sleep. I’ll hijack your bed. Stay the night with Lexa. Have fun for once, take your time. I don’t want you to feel rushed just because I am here with Nate.” He assures you. You can see that he doesn’t mind.

“Thank you.” You pull him in a hug. A tight one, at that.

“Now go get changed.” He places a kiss on your cheek, his hand on the small of your back to gently push you to your bedroom.

You send a wink to Nate when you pass by, quickly going into your room to change into something nicer. You just go for a light pair of jeans, a black long-sleeved shirt with a deep collar to show some cleavage and to finish the look, you grab your black Vans with white stripes.

You apply some subtle make-up, not really wanting to do anything special.

You don’t take extra clothes with you, because you don’t want to assume that you will be sleeping at her place.

You have no idea why you feel like such a… teenage girl. It’s just that you feel shy and in love and it is new and fresh and there is nothing more than you want to just see her all the time.

You’ve missed her.

You grab your things, ready to go. You steal Aden’s bomber jacket that is way too big for you, but it’s comfy.

You check your phone, watching several messages from the group chat with all of you, including Lexa and her friends and now Nathan, too. They instantly just accepted him into the family.

It’s your parents. They are inviting all of you to come over for thanksgiving next week.

You tuck your phone back, moving to the couch to press a kiss on top of Nate’s head. “Finish homework?”

“Yeah.” He smiles. “Hey, is it okay if I stay up a little later today?”

“Hmm.” You rub your chin, pretending to think. “Sure. But don’t make it _too_ late, okay?”

You send a warning glare to your brother in the kitchen. He just nods with a smile.

“Have fun, Clarke.”

“You too, with uncle Aden.” You laugh.

“Uncle?” Nathan snickers. “Nah, that sounds weird.”

“It does.” Aden confirms, shaking his head in amusement.

“We do need to give him a nickname. Why don’t you think of one?” you laugh, high-fiving the boy before moving to your brother.

“That’s my jacket.” He growls, but you know he can never get angry at you.

“I know. Thanks for letting me _borrow_ it.” You laugh, running a hand through your loose hair before pressing a kiss against his cheek. “Don’t blow anything up, don’t eat too much and don’t go to bed too late!”

“Yes, _mom_!” they both yell in unison.

“Tsk.” You click your tongue, laughing when you say your goodbye’s, disappearing outside.

You slip into your car, watching the sky already darken when your phone rings. You have it connected with the Bluetooth of your car so you can call handsfree.

It’s Lexa.

“Hey.” You smile.

“Hey, I realise I forgot to ask what pizza you want.”

“Fucking asshole!” you yell when a car speeds through the red light, almost hitting you.

“Wow, okay, I didn’t know you’d get so angry at me for that.” Lexa laughs, knowing probably that you’re on the road.

“Sorry about that, just some idiot ignoring traffic lights. Uhm, I’ll eat anything. Except pineapple on pizza.”

“Are you one of those people?” Lexa giggles loudly now.

“Please don’t tell me that you eat pineapple on pizza, Lexa. I’d expect better from you.” You laugh now, too.

“I was kidding, Clarke. There should be a law that forbids pineapple on pizza.”

“Ugh, I love you.” You say jokingly, but you mean every word. It feels so good to be able to say that.

“You better, Griffin.” The smirk in her voice is evident, making you grin widely.

“Okay, that sounded so much like Raven, it was just creepy. Have you been spending time with her?” you keep grinning like a sappy idiot.

“No?”

“Sure?”

“Yeah?”

A snort leaves your mouth and you laugh. You love this. You love these small innocent conversations where you just get to be. You smile when you drive through the city, not too far out from Lexa’s apartment.

“Okay, so I’m almost there. I’ll see you soon, _babe_.” Your eyes widen when the name slips out. Heat rises to your cheeks.

She doesn’t mention it, thankfully.

“Okay. I’ll see you appear, Clarke.”

You smile when you hang up the phone, driving your way further to her. You open the window while you listen to music, the subtle wind in your hair while you drive.

You are happy. You think you are.

You are letting Lexa in, you’ve accepted your feelings for her. You’ve got Nate, something that just… makes you surprisingly happy too.

Not that it’s easy, no. You constantly have to think about him, you constantly worry and you have to make sure that he’s being taken care of 24/7.

He might be very mature for his age, but he’s still a ten year old kid who needs to be child, who shouldn’t worry about anything other than friends and homework.

You need to take that burden away from him, you need to make sure that he will be able to enjoy his childhood.

You can’t deny that you’ve looked into his family. His father will be sentenced soon – he’s being charged with assault and rape, too. The details of his case are just too disgusting to even think about.

You are truly surprised that Nate came out of there slightly unharmed. He could have been a lot worse, mentally speaking.

But the boy is just… he is such an optimist, he clearly enjoys spending time with Aden and you and you can tell that he is happy.

Sometimes, though, when he thinks you’re not watching him, you can see him cry. You hear him cry in his room sometimes. You know he hides it on purpose and you are not pushing him to come to you when he does.

You want him to come to you himself. In the meantime, the only thing you can do is give him all the love you can find, make sure that he is okay and that school is going well.

But Nate’s father is just… it’s just really painful for you to think about. You want him to be happy and you never want to lie to him, but the truth is just.. cruel.

His dad will be put into jail for a long time. His mother is still nowhere to be found. This only makes adoption harder, something you’ve been trying to find out the past weeks.

You know it’s way too soon to think about this. His mother could still come back and claim custody. You have a feeling she won’t, though. There’s a good reason she’s gone.

There’s a reason that she ran away as fast as she could. It just bugs you to think she left her own son behind to save herself. You could never do such a thing. You’ve seen the worst things in your career and it sometimes makes you lose faith in humanity, truly.

But then, you meet the good people. You remind yourself that the world is imperfect, but that there are so many people with good intentions. Like your family, your friends.

Lexa. Nate, too. He’s a good kid, he really is. His heart is in the right place and you love him already.

His humour is starting to sound like Aden’s, his stories about school always enthusiastic.

He can ramble about anything, he loves to draw and you’ve taught him a thing or two about drawing techniques that you’ve learned a while ago.

It’s been really good for you, even though it went so incredibly fast and unexpected. It’s one of those good things that just happens in life, something out of your control, and you are still surprised to think that you are more than ready to have him with you.

You definitely want Nathan in your life, hopefully permanently.

You finally arrive at Lexa’s place, parking your car, shaking off your thought about the boy. Tonight is about you and Lexa, about spending time together. You ring the bell without hesitation, smiling when she instantly buzzes you in.

When you arrive upstairs, her front door is already open and your breath hitches in your throat when you see her leaning against the doorframe, her arms crossed in front of her chest.

Sometimes you forget just how beautiful she is. She is wearing a thin, navy turtleneck, her sleeves tucked up until right underneath her elbows, something she does often.

She wears light jeans and just socks underneath. Her hair is loose and wavy, clearly straightened earlier in the day but a little worn off. She tucked it behind her tiny ears and she is just perfect.

Her green eyes are accentuated by subtle eyeliner and the wide smile she carries makes her absolutely stunning.

“Hey.” You smile, walking to her. You lack words when you look at her, her thick lips, her jawline, her regal nose, high cheekbones. You breathe. “You are so pretty.”

“Says you.” Her smile grows when she extends her arms to pull you into a kiss by your hips.

It’s heated the moment your mouths connect. It’s been too long since you were able to kiss her like this, undisturbed, just the two of you.

You moan when you sink into her, feeling her arms wrap around you while you cup her face to change angles.

Her lips are so soft, her tongue hot, wet and ready when you enter her mouth. You breathe heavily when she pulls back, slightly flustered but her stare is half-lidded and a shade darker than before the kiss.

“Hi.” She tucks you into her apartment, closing the door behind her. Before she has a chance to do anything, you pin her against it, leaning your forehead against hers.

You’re both panting, both desperate and aching for touches. “It’s been too long.”

“It has been, yes.” She smiles subtly, her hands softly moving up your chest to your shoulders, shaking off your jacket.

You press yourself against her, your lips already attached to her jaw, her neck. You grumble when you fight with her high collar. “Next time, wear something that covers less of your body.”

Her low chuckle does many things to you already. “Or I could just wear nothing at all.”

“Even better.” You breathe, feeling her hands already threading in your hair to guide your face in front of hers.

“I missed you.” She moans when she pulls you in for a hot, searing kiss. Her lips are demanding and strong, her tongue persistent when it enters your mouth.

You lock your hips with hers while you kiss her hungrily, not able to part yourself from her. Her scent, her skin, her touches.

It’s _her_ and it always has been.

“I love you.” You murmur against her lips with a smile. You’re interrupted roughly when your phone rings, startling the both of you. You remain your position when you pull it out of your pocket.

She lets out an amused, but frustrated huff. “Take it.”

“Okay.” You peck her lips. It’s Aden.

“Hey, _kid_.” You chuckle into the phone.

“TWO MINUTES!” Aden almost screams. You jerk your phone from your ear, your face scrunching up while his voice still rings in your ear.

Lexa let’s out another huff, looking adorable with her arms slipping around your waist.

“I can’t hear you, I think I just went deaf.” You groan, placing the phone back against your ear.

“Sorry.” He chuckles like a little girl. “Anyway, sorry to bother you there, but… where on earth are all the snacks?”

“Uh, you disturbed me because you want snacks?” you move to focus on Lexa with a roll of your eyes.

She seems amused by it all as she leans against the door, looking at you with those bright eyes. You press yourself further into her, just addicted to the feeling of her body pressed against your own.

You take a moment to appreciate the beauty standing here.

“I don’t know where they are. Cupboards? No wait, it’s bullshit that you’re calling me. You’ve lived with me for years and you were always able to find them. Why are you calling?”

You move to her to just lean against her, your head on her shoulder, your phone against your free ear.

“No reason.” He feigns innocence clearly.

“Just go to the store.” You mumble to your brother.

You pinch the bridge of your nose when he starts rambling, feeling Lexa’s arms wrap around you tighter.

You inhale Lexa’s scent, slightly distracted from the conversation with your brother. You move up a bit, your lips brushing over her exposed skin right underneath her ear.

You hear the tiniest gasp escape her throat. It encourages you to move, your lips slowly grazing up her jaw, your breath hot against her soft skin. You brush away her hair to get better access, feeling her fingers dig into your hips when you kiss her without a sound.

She hisses quietly, encouraging you to move away but you are way too amused by it all. Amused and turned on at the same time.

“…earth to Clarke?” Aden laughs.

“Yeah, can I call you back?” you ask absentmindedly.

“You didn’t hear a word I just said. You’re having dirty sex with Lexa, aren’t you?”

“Just about to. And please don't tell me that Nathan heard that.” You grin.

You hear your brother snicker heartedly. “He didn't. You don’t have to call me back, Clarke.”

“Whatever. Bye, Ade.” You instantly put your phone away, your teeth sinking into the skin right beneath her ear.

She moans shamelessly. It’s deep and a sound that you have missed the past days. God, it’s only been over a week since you’ve had sex with this woman and it’s already driving you crazy to be without her that long.

You suck on the skin in her neck, panting already with want. You tuck her shirt over her head, needing to feel her skin against your own, suddenly desperate for her touches.

“ _Oh_.” She breathes sexily when you press your thigh against her core, her hips already bucking impatiently. She threads her fingers into your blonde locks to guide your mouth to hers quite roughly.

You meet her parted lips, her tongue already demanding its way into you. You moan, feeling the throbbing ache between your legs building. You press yourself against her, your tongue fighting with hers while your hands just want to rip the rest of her clothes off.

You don’t. You unbutton her jeans impatiently, chuckling when it doesn’t work.

She grins when she pulls back, her lips swollen already, helping you to open her jeans.

You just gasp when you see her, clothed only in her bra, her abs flexing underneath your touches.

You sink your teeth in the skin just above her breasts, hearing her moan. It doesn’t take long for her to tug on your shirt, wanting it off.

You’re wearing just a bra underneath your shirt and you watch her eyes darken the moment the fabric leaves your body before she unclasps your bra. You lick your lips, quirking a brow seductively.

She just grins, pulling you back against her. “You’re sexy.”

You grin before sucking her bottom lips between yours, eliciting a moan from her that makes you just so fucking wet.

You only notice now how there’s music playing in the background. You roll your hips into hers on the beat.

You take one of her hands, taking it down into your pants where you need it the most.

You guide it between your legs. You kiss her hard the moment her fingers slip through your folds, meeting your pooling wetness already. She moans instantly.

You pant heavily. “This is what you do to me.”

The low growl she lets out tells you that she doesn’t mind. You love the moment she pushes you away, firmly planting you against the nearest wall she can find.

Her hand never leaves your core, softly flicking your clit while she moves to kiss you hard, passionate. It’s the type of kiss that you feel everywhere in your body, shivering in pleasure.

It leaves you completely out of breath. You moan deeply when her tongue roughly plays with yours. Your mind going completely blank, you grind into her without any shame.

“Fuck.” You lick your lips when her free hand holds your chin, lifting your head so she can suck her way down your neck.

You hiss when you can feel her marking you obsessively. “Lexa. Careful.”

Her response is a simple shrug, her fingers suddenly slipping into you down there. Your eyes go wide, your arms clutching around her shoulders.

You throw your head against the wall, pulling her as close as you can while she pumps into you deliciously. You’ve been waiting for far too long to feel this way again.

The moment her fingers curl, you come undone, rolling your hips into her frantically as you moan. She is there to hold you.

She is there for you when you collapse in her arms.

She is just there for you.

\\\

The pizza deliverer interrupts you just when Lexa is about to come.

“Clarke, don’t stop.” She pants while you thrust into her harder, curling your fingers just a bit more while you try to ignore the ring of the doorbell.

You lean down to bite her lobe, breathing into her ear while you grind your hips onto her thigh.

You are so fucking turned on by watching her lie on the couch, her eyes wide while she is about to come.

“Come for me.” You purr in her ear. Her grip around you tightens and she finally comes undone, her juices seeping out of her deliciously as she rolls her hips into you desperately.

“Open the door.” She pushes you off while breathing heavily, trying to compose herself as you buzz the deliverer in without trying to smudge her intercom with her wetness.

You are instantly back on the couch the moment you sent him to her floor, watching her lie there, a little flustered.

“Time for one more?” you hover above her, your eyes dark.

“Clarke, he’ll be up here in a minute.” She laughs, throwing your shirt at you to put it on.

You wink at her, quickly sliding on the shirt and your jeans. You’re barefoot and braless when you open the door, peeking back to see if Lexa hides herself.

It does things to you to know that she’s lying naked on her couch while you wait for the deliverer.

You know you look like you just had sex. You know you probably smell like it, too.

The guy has two pizza boxes he hands to you, eyeing you curiously when you run a hand through your hair to try and fix it a bit. Lexa just has a tendency to pull and ruin your hair while having sex.

“Thanks.” You smile, wanting to take the boxes, but your hand is still a bit… wet.

You quickly wipe it off to your pants, earning you another curious look as the deliverer peeks inside.

“Party?”

“That’s none of your business.” You growl, snatching the pizza’s from his hands.

“Oh.” His eyes widen in shock as he looks behind you.

“Lexa!” you groan when you see her peek over the couch, clearly not wearing a shirt but not showing anything.

“Oh my god.” The deliverer looks embarrassed and in shock, quickly turning around to leave before you have a chance to say more, or even pay him.

You mutter a curse under your breath, but Lexa starts laughing.

“He could’ve _seen_ you naked.” You pout when you walk back inside, laughing now too when you watch a dishevelled Lexa trying to get dressed.

“Maybe we should have sex _after_ dinner next time.” She chuckles, pulling you down on the couch with her. “Although, maybe gotta do it before dinner more often after all, this way I just get free pizza all the time. What do you want to drink?”

“Beer?”

“The classic pizza and beer.” She grins, trying to fix her hair. She tucks it in an adorable messy bun before putting on her glasses to move to the kitchen and grab your beers.

“So how are things, Clarke? How is it to live with Nathan?” she asks while popping off the caps of the bottles before moving back to the couch.

You cross your legs, leaning your right shoulder against the backrest while Lexa mirrors you, your pizza on the couch between you.

“It’s… it has been really good.” You smile, grabbing a slice. “It’s a lot of change, though.”

“I bet.” Her eyes sparkle when she looks at you.

“Are you sure that it doesn’t bother you that he lives with me? I mean… you’re my girlfriend and I probably won’t have as much time now and if we ever go to my pl-”

“Clarke.” She just smiles at you, pushing a strand of lost hair behind her ear. You stop talking, watching her chew before she swallows to speak up again. “I love you. I know that our relationship… didn’t go as planned. We started differently and I may have said my ‘I love you’ soon, but that’s because I _know_.”

“Know what?” you raise an eyebrow, sipping on your beer.

“I know I want to be with you.” She breathes. “I… the moment you told me you were taking Nathan home… I just admired you for doing it. I admired you and I just think that it is amazing what you’re doing and I’d happily sacrifice some of our time to him, okay?”

You answer by leaning in for a pizza-stained kiss. You don’t care that it’s messy, but when she talks to you like that you just can’t hold back.

She chuckles into you, her hand covering the side of your neck while she holds you close. She bites her lips, leaning her forehead against yours. She is so fucking beautiful.

“I fucking love you, Lexa Woods.” You smile, feeling her breath mingle with your own.

“I fucking love you, too, Clarke Griffin.”

You want to lean in to kiss her more, but her hand on your chest stops you. Her look is playful. “Our pizzas are getting cold. We can make out after.”

You plop out your bottom lip, trying to pout at your cutest, but she won’t have it.

You then grin, moving to eat the rest of your pizza.

“How’s work? How are those brats treating you?”

She snorts. “For someone who is supposed to like kids, you are sure very ' _lovingly'_.”

“Always.” You grin.

“It’s been good, really. Wells has been asking about you.” She wiggles her eyebrows then.

“Huh?”

“Yeah. I told him that we left together when you picked Nate up that day. He is totally into you.” She grins.

“Did you tell him that I’m _yours_?” you smile seductively, making her choke on air. She clearly didn’t expect a response from you like this but you can’t help yourself.

When she recovers, she shakes her head. “I like to keep my professional life separated from my personal life.”

“Hmm, so what about Nathan? Doesn’t it bother you that you know him personally, too?”

“Nah. He’s not a colleague.” She smiles. “And besides, maybe one day I’ll teach our own kids.”

Your grin grows.

“Oh my god.” She sucks in a breath roughly, her eyes widening in shock. “I realise now how that sounds.”

You let out a bark of laughter at her embarrassment. Her cheeks are red, even the tips of her ears are a shade pinker than they were a minute ago.

She tries to hide herself behind her beer bottle, but you wrap your fingers around her wrist, your thumb caressing her hand.

“It’s nice to think about, though.” You wink.

“Kids?”

“Yeah.” You smile.

“You want kids?”

“Do I look like the type who doesn’t?” you are surprised.

“Well, I just… I don’t know. I have no idea what I was expecting.” She shakes her head, looking still adorably flustered when she continues with her pizza.

“It’s fine. Yeah, I’d want kids someday. Maybe adopt, maybe my own, maybe both, who knows.” You smile reassuringly.

“Have you ever thought about adopting Nate? I know Lincoln joked about it before, but… you seem just so close to him.”

“I am definitely considering it, yeah. I mean, I know he’s probably never having a chance to get back with his own parents, but they are both still alive and his father will come out of jail one day and his mother is still somewhere out there and I think adoption is going to be very hard in this situation.” You ramble. “But I want to. Maybe, one day.”

Her smile is wide as she bites her bottom lip.

“Okay, you gotta stop doing that.” You laugh.

“Doing what?”

“Smiling at everything I say. You’re a sap.” You softly tap her nose with your finger before continuing with your pizza.

“Sure, Clarke.” She giggles, finally finishing her pizza.

You’re still two slices behind.

“Clarke?” her tone is more serious this time when her green gaze searches yours.

“Yes?” you take a bite, waiting for a question.

You watch her hesitate, as if she’s searching the words carefully. She doesn’t really look at you, before finally speaking up.

“I want to find my brother.” She says determinedly, putting her empty pizza box on the coffee table, relaxing further into her couch.

“Are you sure?” you didn’t really see it coming. She only told you about it recently and she didn’t seem to keen on the idea back then.

She nods, slouching into the couch a bit more. “I’ve been thinking about it since I told you and… after you and Nate almost got killed by that crazy guy… I was just thinking about regrets, you know. I think I would regret it if I wouldn’t look for him, no matter the outcome.”

“Yeah?” you quickly finish your pizza, before placing it on the table.

You tug her closer, placing her between your legs while you lie down to cuddle.

“I… life is short and I just… I _have_ to know. I know it’s silly to think that there might be slight chance for me to get what you and Aden have, because you’re twins and you’ve been together your entire life but I just… I just want to know his name. I want to know his birthday and I just want to know if he’s okay.” She nuzzles herself into you and you hold her tightly.

“Okay.”

“I just don’t know where to begin.”

“How old were you when he was born?”

“I was seven, almost eight I think. It was a warm day.”

“Doesn’t say much in LA.”

“I know. I just don’t remember and nobody ever told me.” She presses her nose against your cheek, her lips ghosting over your skin, tickling you.

“I can help you, if you want me to.” You smile. “We can just start by going backwards. We can start by asking Marcus if he has the older files, if he knows who had you before. We can go from there.”

“Clarke, I don’t know anything, he doesn’t know anything. If he did, he would’ve told me.” She shakes her head, sighing deeply when she falls into you.

“Hmm, okay. We can just pick a day to get to the office. Maybe we have some old records.” You wonder aloud. “Maybe the hospital has records. Wait, no, they usually only keep them for ten or fifteen years.”

“That’s not very hopeful.” She grimaces, but you tuck her close.

“We will find him, okay?” you press a kiss against her forehead, softly sliding off her glasses.

You hold her close.

“I’ll search the whole damn country if I have to.” You can feel her lips grazing over your jaw and you close your eyes, enjoying the feeling of having her close.

“You don’t have to do that for me.”

“I would.” You smile, your eyes still closed. Her voice is so soft, her touches light as her lips move closer to your own.

Before you know it, she is straddling you, her hands cupping your cheeks and her hungry mouth on your own.

You moan into her, already feeling that desire, that aching running through your veins.

“I love you.” She whispers. You open your eyes, watching her hover above you with a loving gaze.

“You’re gorgeous.” You pull her closer. “And I love you the _most_.”

“I doubt that.”

“I don’t.”

\\\

Ontari is a shy girl. Her big brown eyes are curious throughout the entire dinner. She doesn’t remove herself from Aden’s side and she is adorable, really.

You liked her the moment you saw her, quietly asking your brother things, before being startled when you suddenly moved into your brothers personal space to hug the shit out of him.

You introduced yourself, Lexa and Nathan to the girl who is just a little shorter than you and your girlfriend.

She seemed intimidated by the both of you at first, but the more you asked her, the looser she became, the more you liked her.

You are placed around the rectangled table in Aden’s ridiculously large kitchen, Lexa next to you, Nate at the end, Ontari and Aden across from you and Lexa. It’s good.

It’s so nice to finally meet your twins' girlfriend.

She is good for Aden, you can tell this much. They make each other laugh, they throw each other heart eyes and it’s endearing. You’ve never seen your brother like this.

Ontari is a beautiful girl, but she’s the last type you’d expect Aden would take home. Not that it’s a bad thing, no. You can tell that these two are made for each other and you hope it’ll work out well.

You watch Aden, Nate and Lexa interact throughout the night while you make conversation with Ontari. She asks you about your job, seeming quite interested in your field of work.

You ask her what she does. She works as an assistant slash semi-artist at a local gallery, you learn. You are instantly interested, telling her that you love art and that you used to draw and paint yourself.

She immediately invites you to come by the gallery someday, an invitation which you happily accept. You’ve vaguely heard of the gallery, knowing it is not too far from your office.

You promise her to stop by sometime soon after work. She seems really happy about that.

It certainly feels weird, having a double date with your brother. It is amazing as much as it is new. It feels great, though. Refreshing.

You and Lexa get along with Ontari really well. You can see the pride in your brother’s eyes throughout the night.

At some point, Lexa and Ontari go to the bathroom together (to do god knows what), leaving both you and Aden alone at the table, while Nate happily hums eating his dessert absentmindedly.

“She’s great, Ade. Nothing what I expected, but she fits so well with you.” you place your hand on his forearm.

“I can say the same about you and Lexa, Clarke.” His voice is soft and happy. You enjoy this so much. You can just feel your heart just bursting with happiness.

“We should take Octavia and Lincoln next time.” You smile, leaning up to press a kiss against your brother’s neatly shaven cheek.

“Hopefully, Anya and Raven will work out.” He grins, nudging your shoulder teasingly. “We could all just go on dates all the time. How awesome is that?”

“It’s pretty awesome.” You agree. “I’ve never seen you like this, Ade.”

“Like what?” his grin tells you that he already knows what you’re talking about, making you roll your eyes amusedly.

“In love.” You lean over the table to ruffle his hair, making him squeal softly. He laughs, swatting your hand away.

“You’re in love, too.”

“Guess we’re both smitten then.” You grin, ruffling his hair once again, laughing way too hard when he almost tumbles out of his chair.

“I have some news, by the way.” He then grins when he holds your arm to stop you from ruffling his hair any more.

“Oh? You’re getting married? You’re gonna be a dad?” you stick out your tongue, laughing when he rolls his eyes.

“No.” he shakes his head. “My manager called. I uh… I’ve been asked to walk the runway at the New York Fashion Week for Ralph Lauren.”

You drop your jaw. “What?”

“Yeah.” He grins, almost shyly. “He asked me if you would be interested, too.”

“Huh?” you lack words. “Me? You? Me? Us?”

He laughs. “Yeah, Clarke. It’s in February. They want us both.”

“I am not a model, Aden.” You shake your head, trying to comprehend the news. “But you are! Oh my god, this is so amazing!”

“Clarke, look at you. You could be a model if you wanted to.” He takes your hand in his. “I promised I’d talk to you about it. They want you, Clarke. They want _us_.”

“No.” you shake your head. “I can’t do that.”

In that moment, Lexa scrapes her throat to announce her presence. Ontari is standing next to her with a soft smile on her face. The two women fall back into their respective chairs.

You instantly place your chair a bit further back to Lexa’s. Your hand find hers under the table.

Aden desperately tries to fix his hair, making the three of you chuckle lightly. Ontari wraps her hand around his wrist, making him stop. “I like it messy.”

You can’t wipe the smile off your face when your brother throws her a goofy smile. He truly is smitten.

“So, uh, what can’t you do?” Lexa eyes you curiously. You open your mouth to speak, but Aden is faster.

“We are both asked to walk at the New York Fashion Week for Ralph Lauren.” He says proudly.

“We? You?” Lexa’s green eyes are wide as she glances between the two of you, as if she has completely forgotten about the fact that Aden makes a living out of modelling and acting. You can feel their stares on you, but you just shrug.

“Apparently.” You shake your head in disbelief. “They do know that I know nothing of that world, right? They do know that I’m not interested whatsoever.”

“You almost have a million followers on Instagram.” Aden laughs.

“I haven’t touched that in years! What?” you are thoroughly confused right now. You do have Instagram, but you never, ever, use it.

“That is so amazing, though.” Lexa then smiles, squeezing your hand.

“Wait, no no no.” you raise your hands, shaking your head. “I am not doing this.”

Aden gives you the puppy eyes and his big pout.

“Aden, no. God, no. I can’t be part of that world, that isn’t me. You know I have stage fright.” You swallow deeply. You hate attention.

“Stagefright?” Lexa seems amused.

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me yet.” You smile at her.

“Our parents tried to get us into acting at a young age.” Aden laughs. “I did it, but Clarke never wanted to.”

“And for good reason!” you exclaim. “Ade, as happy as I am that they want you, as honoured as I am that they want _me_ , I won’t do it.”

“Do it for me, Clarke. It’s just one week. They will prepare you.” he tries.

“Aden. I can’t have famous people looking at me while I walk on ridiculously high heels on a fucking runway!” you are starting to get frustrated. “I know it’s your scene, you’ve done runways before but I… I am not like that.”

“I think you’d make a beautiful model, Clarke.” Ontari smiles at you.

“Thank you.” you blush a bit, but you keep shaking your head. “I can’t do that, though.”

“Do it for me?” Aden folds his hands together. “Please?”

You can’t say no, but you can’t say yes either. “Why do they even want me?”

“Because you are the famous Griffin twins?” Lexa offers, winking at you.

“I’m not famous.” You shake your head.

“You're a little famous, Clarke. Almost everyone who knows me, knows you too, Clarke. My Instagram is full with your face.” he chuckles.

“What?” maybe you should check the app. You groan in frustration.

Lexa pulls out her phone, opening the Instagram app. She hands it to you, where you can see your own profile. You haven’t posted in what… three, four years?

But still, you’ve gained a ridiculous amount of followers.

“I should’ve made it private.” You groan when you search Aden’s profile, seeing indeed your face coming up more than his own. “Three fucking million followers Ade?”

He shrugs. “I’ve been doing a lot a projects Clarke. I have auditioned for several movies and I’ll probably be busy again soon.”

“Why did I not realise this?” you sometimes really forget that you have a famous family. You find it better like that, because knowing this, getting recognized in the streets, it’s not your thing.

Doing something like a runway is not your thing either.

“Ade, can I talk to you in private?” you tug on his sleeve, rising from your seat to move to his large balcony. He closes the door behind you as the two of you stand outside, in the darkness of the night, the ocean right in front of you.

He chose this apartment well. You can feel the subtle wind in your hair.

He sighs. “I know it’s not your thing. It’s fine if you don’t want to do it, Clarke.”

“Aden…” you sigh. “I have a job to think of. I have Nate. You know how I feel about anything related to fame and attention.”

“I know.” He nods, smiling subtly. You watch his light eyes sparkle, his hair still messy from when you ruffled it.

You know you look a lot like him. You have the same jawline, the same shape of your lips, your noses. His jaw is stronger than yours, your nose a tiny bit smaller, but the shape is similar.

You share the same colour of hair and you know that you are not… ugly.

But Aden’s a model. He’s done runways before, even though they weren’t anything big. He’s done photoshoots half naked, he’s comfortable with that - you know this.

He is used to it.

You’re not.

“I just don’t get why they’d want me. I have no famous career, I have no experience.” You wonder aloud.

“Clarke.” He grins, his hands holding your upper arms. “Have you seen you?”

“Uh…” you smile awkwardly. “Yeah?”

“You’re a Griffin.” He says it as if it explains everything. “You’re gorgeous. Half my followers follow me to get pictures from you, I guess.”

“Really?” you still don't really believe it.

His laugh is bright and innocent. He tucks you closer, into a hug. “You’re so oblivious, Clarke. I read the comments on my pictures. They love you.”

“But still, I am not into that. Ade, I don’t think I can do this. It’ll take… so much.” You press your cheek against his chest. He is not that much taller than you, but you manage to do it anyway.

“I know, Clarke. I would love for you to be by my side. I would love it if you’d be there to shine with me, but I think I just… I want you to be happy and I don’t think you’ll be happy going down a runway.”

You snort. “I cannot imagine me doing that.”

“How about you think about it for a while?” his chin leans on top of your head.

“Even if I am not going, you are doing it, right?” you smile, pulling back just enough so your eyes meet his.

“Yeah, I think so.” He nods. “It’s an opportunity I haven’t had before with modelling.”

“Well, you’re my pretty boy after all. They should’ve asked you sooner.” You grin.

“You sound like ma.” He laughs.

“I know. I will think about it, okay?” you can’t say no just yet. You are torn with refusing to go and not wanting to disappoint him.

“Okay.” He gently nudges you to go back inside.

You’re met with a laughing Nate, Ontari and Lexa. Your heart warms instantly when you lock eyes with Lexa, seeing how she loosely draped her arm around the rest of Nate’s chair.

How they all have sparkling eyes, chuckling as if they were discussing something that you and Aden are not supposed to know.

“You were gossiping.” You laugh, sitting back on your chair next to your girlfriend.

“No, we were not.” Lexa feigns innocence, but you see right through her. You lean in to press a kiss against her lips, a smile on your face.

Nate and Aden start gagging mockingly, making Ontari send them a playful glare.

“You totally were.” Aden laughs, starting to tickle his girlfriend.

“The question is, what were you talking about?” you send a wink to Nate, making him smile to you.

“Nothing.” Ontari laughs quietly.

“Tell us.” You insist, sending her a playful, but intimidating glare.

“Uh…” Aden’s girlfriend starts.

“Don’t fall for it!” Lexa instantly cuts in, shaking her head with her eyes wide.

“Ontari.” You say, trying to hold back a fit of laughter.

“We were just discussing that we would like to see you two together at the fashion week.” Ontari just grins now.

“Huh…” you press your lips together in disappointment. “It’s like I almost don’t have a choice.”

An arm wraps around your shoulder. Lips on your cheek briefly.

“You always have a choice.” Lexa’s voice is softer than before, the playfulness gone.

“I agree, though. Clarke and I would look amazing together.” Aden grins, leaning over the table to give you a fist bump.

“We _do_ look great.” You laugh.

“That you do.” Your girlfriend winks at you, but the smile on her face tells you that she really means it.

You drop the subject. You continue with the food that your brother and his girlfriend prepared. Aden shows Nathan a new game he bought, leaving the three of you at the table to look into the living room.

“Boys will be boys.” You roll your eyes sighing, making Ontari laugh. “So, Ontari, do you have family here in LA?”

“Oh, no. I don’t have a family.” Her smile is painful.

“Oh, I did not know this.” You instantly regret your question. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine, really.”

“What happened?” Lexa’s eyes are soft as she looks at the other brunette.

“They died during 9/11. They were on flight 93.”

Your eyes widen. “Oh my god. That’s… oh… do you remember that?”

“Not really.” She shakes her head with a sad smile.

“Hey, I’m sorry I asked. I’m sorry that happened at all.” You try to cheer her up. You can tell that Lexa feels bad for asking, too.

“It’s fine, really. I've spent most of my life without them, I don't remember anything." she seems to hesitate about what to say next, scraping her throat. "I uh… I haven’t met your parents yet, Clarke, but Aden’s told me that… they're really lovely people. I can’t wait to meet them.” Her smile is brighter now.

“And I am sure that they will love you.” you assure her.

“Hey, how about we drive to our parents tonight?” Aden suddenly calls out, as if he just heard the conversation. Ontari chokes on her drink, almost spitting it out her mouth, directed to you.

You feel a few drops in your face, but you can’t find it in yourself to get angry. You laugh, grabbing your napkin to wipe it off. You can hear Lexa trying to hold back a laugh while Ontari’s deep brown eyes widen in shock.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry!” she yelps, but you wave it off with a grin.

“It’s fine, happens to the best of us.” You wink. “Anyway, Ade, why on earth drop a bomb like that?”

“I don’t know, sorry babe.” He smiles apologetically to his girlfriend, who smiles. Nate is just grinning on the couch. “I just thought… it’s going so well, maybe we could just… I really want you to meet my parents.”

“You don’t have to, but I am sure that it’ll be fine.” You add.

“Yeah, Clarke loves you, so my parents will, too. But we can go another time if you want to.” He squeezes her hand softly.

You just smile, feeling how Lexa laces your fingers together.

You glance at her. She doesn’t speak when she doesn’t have to and it is adorable. She is being social, but guarded, just so typically her.

“We could go.” Ontari sounds hesitant, but you shake your head.

“Ade, that was a terrible idea.”

“No, it’s fine. I just… I wasn’t expecting that.” The girl grins now.

“Well, I am always up for it to drive to Malibu.” You smile, grateful that you didn’t have much alcohol. You eye Nathan on the couch. “What about you, nerd?”

“I don’t mind.” He grins happily. You shrug, raising your eyebrows to look at Ontari expectantly.

It isn’t too late yet and you know your parents will still be up by the time you get there.

“It’s up to you.” Aden looks at his girl with a bright smile. She smiles back just the same.

You can tell that she’s a good person. You can tell that she is genuine about her relationship with your brother and it is honestly all you ever want for him. A girl that doesn’t take advantage of who he is.

A girl that looks at him with heart eyes. You lean into Lexa for a moment, watching the other two hushing softly.

“They’re cute.” Lexa murmurs in your ear. You press a soft kiss against her lips.

It feels weird, to kiss her like this. So softly, with others around you who are okay with it all.

It’s perfect. Lexa has an adorable smile on her lips when you pull back.

“You look so beautiful tonight.” You smile. Her hair is loose and wild. Ever since you told her that you prefer her curls over straightened hair, she has been wearing it in her natural curls more often.

Just like today. It’s wild, but beautiful when she runs her hand through her thick locks. Her green eyes accentuated by subtle eyeliner, her thick lips red with lipstick.

You love her outfit, too. You have not been able to look away multiple times already, driving you insane with the simple black dress she’s wearing. It has thin straps, a deep v-cut in the front.

The skirt is long, but slit to expose her toned leg and god, you just want to trace every line on her skin with your tongue. You want to explore her body more than you already have, wanting to know everything that makes her feel good, every place that makes her shiver, that makes her writher against you.

You don’t realise you’re staring at her, your bottom lip sucked between your teeth when she waves her hand in front of your eyes in amusement.

She leans in, her lips brushing against your cheek. “Keep it in your pants, Griffin.”

“I’m not even wearing pants.” You murmur back. She just giggles shortly.

It makes you smile.

You laugh. “So, what is it going to be? Our parents or staying here?”

“Might as well rip the entire band aid off now, right?” Ontari smiles. “We should go up there.”

“Are you absolutely sure?” you stand from your chair, smoothing out your deep red dress.

“Yes.”

“Let’s go then.” Lexa smiles, placing her hand on the small of your back to guide you out.

“I’ll drive.” You know that Aden and Ontari have been drinking more.

Lexa drops herself next to you in the front, Aden in the middle of the back, pressed between Nathan and Ontari.

You throw glances at them in the rear view mirror, watching how Ontari has pressed herself into his side, how Aden jokes with Nathan while holding his girlfriend close.

You smile. Your hand makes its way to Lexa’s thigh. You just feel the need for physical contact tonight.

“You must be grateful that you already know my parents.” You smile at her softly.

“I am.” She grins.

“I hope you don’t mind I already told my parents about us. I mean, we’re not… we haven’t specifically decided to tell people yet, but everyone kinda seems to know.” your voice is low and quiet. This conversation is almost too private to have in front of your foster kid, your brother and his girlfriend, but they don’t seem to hear a word you say.

“It is really fine. I told my friends and Marcus, too.” Lexa’s voice is just as soft. Her hands find yours lying on her thigh. She plays with your fingers, a habit she has created over the past week and a half.

“This is so cute.” Ontari’s voice suddenly sounds. “We’re like this big happy family.”

“Wait until you meet Raven, Lincoln, Anya and Octavia. You’ll change your mind then.” You giggle.

Lexa lets out an amused huff, chuckling when Ontari and Aden burst out in a fit of tipsy giggles in the backseat.

Lexa just smiles at you, her green eyes bright even in the darkness of the night.

Yeah, you are so fucking smitten.

\\\

To say that your parents are thrilled is an understatement. They are over the moon when you and Aden show up unexpectedly with your fresh girlfriends and Nathan tucked into your side. They crush you into tight hugs, clearly not expecting you to stop by.

“Come on, we have to celebrate. Where’s the champagne?” your mother rambles, already tumbling inside while your father drags Nathan and Aden to put on the fire to make it warm enough to sit outside.

You and Lexa take the new loveseat on the terrace. Your arms wrapped around her, you nuzzle your face into her neck.

“Clarke.” She warns, her breaths already heavier than before.

You chuckle when you pull back. You love that Lexa responds to you so quickly, it is so cute.

“Hey, how about we invite ourselves to dinner at Marcus' place?” you suddenly ask, taking her by surprise.

“What?”

“He’s… your foster dad. Wait, do you even see him as your real father?” you wonder aloud.

Her chuckle indicates that she might be slightly intoxicated. “Yeah, he’s my father.”

“Well, maybe it’d be nice… to go to him the same way we went to my parents tonight, you know, to just have some time with him alone?” You lean in for a short kiss.

“Thank you.” she smiles widely.

“What for?” you quirk a brow.

“For being considerate.” Her voice is soft.

“Always.” You softly tap her jaw before dropping your hand back in your lap.

You watch Ontari awkwardly standing on the terrace.

“Come sit.” You smile, inviting her to sit in the chair next to you and Lexa.

The smile on her face tells you that she is pretty unsure of herself tonight. “Nate is a great kid. Aden told me a bit about how he started staying with you.”

“One hell of a story.” You smile, feeling Lexa’s grip on you tighten.

“I just wanted to say that you are pretty great. I mean, Aden’s been rambling about you so I felt like already knew you before tonight.” Ontari’s smile is genuine and sweet. “You’re a great person, Clarke. And you too, Lexa. I think you make a beautiful couple together.”

“Thank you.” Lexa smiles widely. “For what it’s worth, you and Aden are pretty amazing together, too. He really cares.”

She blushes, fumbling with her hands in her lap. “So how long have you know each other now? Aden told me that you just got together, but I find that hard to believe.”

“Well, we’ve known each other…” you try to count.

“…a few months now.” Lexa finishes for you, making you smile.

“Oh, okay.” The smile never leaves Ontari’s face. “Aden told me that you and he have always been close.”

“Yeah, we have.” You can’t wipe the goofy smile from your face. You feel Lexa’s arm snake around your shoulder casually as you lean into her further.

“I uh… hope you are okay with us dating.” She continues.

“Are you asking me for my consent?” you ask in surprise.

“No, I just…” she grins shyly, seeming to consider her next words carefully. “Okay, maybe I am. If I am being completely honest, I have been more nervous to meet you than your parents.”

You playfully nudge her shoulder. “You have nothing to worry about, okay? I can tell that you are happy with him, and he is obviously happy with you. I’ve never seen him like this.”

The girl just beams by now. “Thank you.”

“I really enjoyed the double date. We should do it again.” Lexa encourages, smiling now, too.

“Did I hear double date?” Abby returns with a ridiculously large bottle of champaign and glasses.

“Mom, not that one. We have to drive back tonight.” You laugh.

“You can sleep here.” Your mother instantly pouts. “It’s good to meet our daughters-in-law.”

Ontari chokes again, this time on air. Lexa pulls her arm away from around you, starting to fumble with your hands in your laps.

You send your mother a stern glare. She mouths you an innocent ‘what’, her brown eyes sparkling with amusement.

“Okay, we are clearly going home tonight.” You shake your head, huffing while you take Lexa’s hand in yours. “And mom, stop embarrassing them.”

“Embarrassing whom?” Aden suddenly joins you again, sitting right next to his girlfriend with a worried look in his eyes.

“Mom is being mom.” You roll your eyes, making your brother laugh.

“Oh, come on.” Abby rolls her eyes. “I am not that bad.”

“Sure you are, honey.” Jake pops up, too, having Nathan on his back. You watch how Nathan instantly searches your eyes, making you smile at him proudly.

He gets along with your family just fine.

Abby huffs, but can’t wipe the smile from her face.

You smile. Your mother may be awkward, but you know she loves this. You know she approves of Ontari, with the way she’s teasing the poor girl.

You know she loves Lexa with the way she keeps asking the brunette questions about her.

You know your father loves them too, with the way he keeps winking and grinning in his smug way.

Yeah, you know it’ll be alright just fine.

Because you have your family.

You have Nathan.

You have Lexa.

\\\

You’re exhausted when you get home from Marcus’ place, Lexa and Nathan strolling right behind you into your apartment.

Lincoln and Raven are sitting on the couch, watching TV when you step into your livingroom.

“What the f-… hell are you doing here?” you quickly correct yourself when you remember Nate right behind you.

He seems pretty tired, too.

“Oh, hey guys!” Lincoln turns his head, instantly smiling when he watches the three of you standing.

“We were just here to convince you to do the New York Fashion week.” Raven grins smugly, rising from the couch to hug Nate first.

She chats with him softly, making you mock roll your eyes, your hands in your sides as you wait for your best friend to give you attention next.

Lincoln and Lexa chuckle softly when you impatiently tap your foot on the ground.

“Yes, m’lady?” Raven finally looks up at you, Nathan giggling while he moves to give Lincoln a high five.

“Are you going to give me a hug too, or what?” you feign a deep sigh, trying to look bothered, but you can’t help the smile creeping up your face.

Raven’s arms wrap around you tighter than you expected them to.

“Hey, Rae.” You mumble, smiling when she presses a kiss on your cheek.

“Long time no see, Griffin.” She laughs when she pulls back, her dark eyes sparkling.

“Whatever.”

“Lexa.” Raven moves to your girlfriend to hug her, too. You smile when you move to the couch, where Nathan and Lincoln continue watching a program.

“Linc.” You grin, dropping yourself next to her. “Is that really the reason you’re here?”

“That we want you to go to New York?” he chuckles.

“Yeah.”

“For Raven it is, for me it’s just my regular check-up.”

“We saw each other at work yesterday.” You lean your head on his shoulder.

“I don’t mind!” Nate calls out. “I like him.”

“Thanks, bud.” Lincoln grins proudly.

“Am I not enough for you?” you pout, leaning forward to throw a wink at Nate on Lincoln’s other side.

“No.” Nate seriously shakes his head, but then a smirk forms on his face.

“I am going to regret letting you hang out with Aden and Raven.” You shake your head in amusement, earning you another chuckle from your colleague.

“Anyway, Clarke.” Raven suddenly pops up, dropping herself on your lap, leaving a pouting Lexa stand in front of the couch.

“There’s space here.” Lincoln motions for Nate to scoot, Lexa being squeezed between you and Lincoln, while Raven already starts cuddling you.

“What’s up, Raven?” you grin, leaning back into the couch while Raven’s face presses in your neck.

When you glance at Lexa, she just smiles at you, her eyes sparkling in amusement while you wrap your arms around your best friend.

“You should go to New York.” She mumbles. You know she’s already about to fall asleep, so you just nudge her sides, knowing she will probably awaken a bit.

She sits up, shooting you an annoyed glare before throwing her legs in Lexa and Lincoln’s laps, shamelessly spreading herself over the three of you.

“Raven.” Lincoln groans when she harshly plants her heels in his leg.

Nathan laughs a bit, but you can tell by the sound he is too tired to follow any kind of conversation.

“I know you don’t like the attention, but Aden really wants you to.” Raven continues, yawning in your face without shame.

“Geez, what did you eat today?” you scrunch up your nose when you smell spicy herbs, Lexa laughing loudly at that.

“You’re avoiding the subject.” The Latina scowls, her arms snaking around your neck.

“I think we would all like to see Clarke go to New York.” Lexa shrugs, making you shoot her a glare.

“You’re supposed to be on my side.” You mutter, making her laugh even harder.

“I’m on your side, Clarke.” Lincoln laughs then.

“I’m not!” Nate suddenly calls out. “I mean, it’s really cool that you get to do that! If I had a chance, I will take it!”

“ _Would_ , Nate. You would take it.” You correct him, making the other adults chuckle.

“I am thinking about it.” You just say in all honesty. “I'm not sure if I could do it, even if I wanted to. Which I don't. But anyway, you guys know I have stage fright.”

“Oh yeah we do.” Raven suddenly laughs, cackling so loudly she almost chokes on her own saliva.

You just shake your head at her.

“I have a feeling that there is a story there.” Lexa hints, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Don’t. Encourage. Her.” You hiss, but Raven already sits up, her boobs almost pressed against your face when she leans a bit towards Lexa.

You struggle, trying to push her away, but she’s holding onto you too tightly.

You try to throw Lexa an apologetic glare, but your girlfriend is way too amused to even notice.

“Clarke and I were participating on this musical in high school because her parents wanted her to and she was a pleaser back then.” Raven starts, already snickering at the memory. “I just did it for fun, but the moment we were going on stage, people in the room watching us, she just…”

“Don’t say it!” you physically try to fight her, but Raven simply ignores you.

“She just barfed all over the guy that was in the scene with her. He then tripped backwards and she tried to help him up.” Raven is laughing so hard she can barely speak anymore. “He swatted her hand away and ran away crying.”

“Raven.” You let your head fall back on the couch, hearing Lincoln, Nathan and Lexa laugh at the story.

“She threw up once again when she smelled the puke on stage. Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.”

“And that is exactly why I can’t go to New York!” you exclaim, finally able to push Raven far enough so her boobs are at least out of your face.

Nathan laughs the loudest. “Do they have a video of that?”

“No!” you say too quickly.

“Totally, let me look it up!” Lincoln grabs his phone.

“Guuuuuuuys, nooooooooooooo.” You are really uncomfortable with this. Even though they are your family, it was one of the most embarrassing moments of your life.

Lincoln searches youtube, though, an excited Nate right beside him. You just close your eyes, groaning deeply.

“I hate you.” you grumble.

There’s a lick on your cheek.

“Raven!” you gag in disgust, but you can’t help the chuckle that escapes your throat when Raven falls back in laughter.

“Oh my god, they took it off!” Lincoln shakes his head in disappointment. The moment you lock eyes with him, he winks.

You know it’s probably still there. You send him a silent 'thank you'.

“Nate, time for bed.” You check the watch on your wrist, pushing Raven out of your lap. She lands on the floor with a small thud. She laughs but climbs back onto the couch, only to start bother your girlfriend.

You stand, already moving to Nate's bedroom, motioning for him to join you.

You’ve been meaning to ask him something for a while, now.

“You know you don’t have to tuck me in, right? I'm ten.” He looks at you suspiciously. You can hear the soft voices of Lexa, Raven and Lincoln in the living room while you drop yourself on Nate’s chair near the desk you bought him.

You let out a huff. “You think I’d tuck you in?”

“No.” he laughs now, jumping on his bed.

“It’s been a while since we talked.” You start, smiling when you spin on the chair playfully, hearing the boy giggle.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“You. Me. This house, your school.” You have several things you want to discuss with him. You don’t know why you pick today of all days, but you just… you’ve been worrying. “Lexa, too.”

“Oh?” he seems curious.

“Can you be honest with me?” you lean forward, your elbows on your knees, your blue gaze meeting his brown one.

“Yeah.” He grins, leaning against the wall after propping a pillow between his back and the wall.

“Do you like it here?” you ask him. His eyes instantly light up when he nods enthusiastically.

“I love it here!” he exclaims, smiling widely. You smile back at him.

“I am glad that you do.” You know you’re a little too serious when you watch his face fall.

“Are you telling me to go?” he asks carefully, but you instantly shake your head. You rise from the chair, walking to the bed, motioning your hand beside him in a silent question to join him there.

When he nods, you kick off your shoes, sitting down beside him on the bed.

His shoulder leans into your upper arm, smiling when you feel his head topple on your shoulder.

“No, I will never tell you to go, okay?” you say softly. “I just want to make sure that you are doing okay, with me, with this apartment and with my family and friends.”

“I love them, really.” He looks up at you, his big brown eyes twinkling in happiness. “Everyone is so sweet to me and I feel really, really happy that I know you, Clarke.”

“I’m happy that I know you, too.” You snake your arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer. “Which is why I am talking to you like this. I just want you to know that you can come to me if you need to talk about anything, okay? If you need to get something off your chest, if you have questions or if you want to know stuff about your parents or… anything, really.”

“I do have a question.” He starts, his hands fumbling in his lap as he looks down.

“Yeah?”

“Am I going to live with you forever?”

“Is that what you want?” you press a kiss atop his head, feeling him sink into you.

“I think so… I don’t want to see my father anymore and mom…” he seems sad when he crawls further into your side. “…I don’t think she wants me anymore.”

“Nate, you know I love you, right?” you press another kiss on his head, trying to remind him that he does have people around him that care. “I would love for you to live with me until you’re old enough to go out there on your own. I enjoy having you here.”

“Yeah?” his voice is hopeful. You lean your head against the wall, your eyes drooping.

“Yes. I really hope that you believe me when I say that I want you here.” You smile down at him.

“I believe you. You’ve never lied to me.” He seems really relieved. You know it’s good to talk to him about this.

“Good. We will have to see where this goes, you know. And now my other questions… how would you react if Lexa would… sleep here sometimes?” you try carefully, but he already jumps up in excitement, sitting near your feet with his legs crossed.

“She’s gonna stay?!” he seems way too happy about this. “Are you getting married?”

“Oh my god, no.” you snort. “No, we’re not getting married but it might happen sometimes that she is going to sleep here.”

“With you?”

“Yeah, with me. And she won’t if you’re not okay with that, yeah?” you reassure him. You just want him to be comfortable with this.

“No, I love her! She can stay here all the time!” his smile is wide and genuine.

“So you don’t find it weird since she’s one of your teachers?” you eye him suspiciously.

“No.” he shakes his head very seriously.

“Really?” you try again, giving him a chance to speak up is he wants to, but he keeps shaking his head. “Okay.”

“Can I change schools?” he suddenly asks, catching you off guard.

“What? Why would you want that?”

“I don’t know. This school reminds my of my parents.” His shoulders drop a bit. You can tell that it’s hurting him, but he tries to stay strong.

“Of course you can change schools. I actually wanted to ask, since there’s a school here closer that seems nice. How about we visit that one soon and you tell me if you want to go there?” you nudge his shoulder.

“Yeah.” He smiles.

“Okay. I have one last question and then you can go to sleep, okay?” you smile when you watch him yawn.

“Okay.”

“How do you feel about this apartment?” you eye him carefully. This apartment is small, smaller than Nathan is used to living in. You’ve been thinking about moving to some place bigger, but you’re not sure if it would be worth it, not yet.

“I like it here.” He grins. “I like it because Aden lives really close and Linc and Raven visit all the time.”

“But it’s small.” You say, more for yourself than for him. Sometimes you wonder how you were able to live in this place with Aden. Sometimes you wonder how Raven and Lincoln kept visiting here, making it so cramped that you could barely even move.

“It is, but it’s cosy.” He still grins, lying down on the bed.

“How would you feel about moving to some place bigger?”

“New school, new house?”

“Yeah?”

“Sounds really cool.” He lies down but his eyes are on your face. He’s looking at you from your worst angle, upside down and from underneath, but he doesn’t seem bothered by his view.

“Yeah?” you ask again, smiling at the thought. “I figured it’d be nice to look for something new.”

“Yeah!”

“It’s just an idea, though. I don’t think I want to move away from the ocean.” You smile. “But we’ll see. Okay, get ready for bed now.”

“I have another question.” He sits back up, ready to move to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

You look at him expectantly, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“You said that you want me here forever. Does that mean you’re going to be my mom?” the question is as much innocent as it is doubtful, you can hear it in his voice.

You lack words, trying to find the right ones. “Nate, I will never replace your real mother, okay? I will only be your mother if _you_ want me to.”

“Are you going to adopt me?” his next question sounds more hopeful.

“That is a question for the future.” You smile, rising from the bed. You open your arms, loving how he instantly moves to hug you. “It’s up to you, okay? Adoption is a big thing. Your real parents are still out there and you have to decide what you want.”

“What do _you_ want?” he looks up at you.

“I want you to be happy, nerd.” You poke his cheeks. “That’s why I am saying that you get to decide that, okay?”

His smile is wide. “Okay. I will think about it.”

“No rush, please?” you remind him. “Let’s just settle in, find you a new school and we’ll go from there, okay?”

“Yeah.” His grip around your waist is tight when he hugs you again. You hold him tightly.

“So, Lexa is going to sleep here tonight. Don’t get scared when you wake up tomorrow and you see her creepy, sleepy face.”

He laughs. Loudly. He snickers when he pulls back. “I’ve seen your face, I think I will survive Lexa’s face.”

“Hey!” you call out. “Okay, who the hell teaches you those kind of jokes? Aden? Raven?”

“It’s not a joke.” His grin is mischievous. You watch him pull back, but you already stretch your arms to poke him in the sides.

He screams like a little girl, escaping his room. You run after him, but he locks himself in the bathroom.

“You can’t hide forever, Miller!” you laugh. It falls when you turn around, watching how Raven, Lincoln and Lexa are looking at you with playful eyes. “What?”

Lexa’s smile is way too goofy. Raven looks smug and Lincoln looks like he finds the situation quite adoring.

“What?” you say again, making them snap out of their dazes.

“You’re cute.” Raven high-fives your girlfriend.

“Huh?” you shake your head in amusement, turning back to the bathroom door. “Five minutes! It’s already way too late for you to go to bed, young man!”

“Yes, mom!” he calls out mockingly.

You laugh, moving back to the livingroom to drop yourself on your girlfriends lap.

Raven pouts. “All the love I give you and you choose to sit on Lexa’s lap?”

“She’s my girlfriend, you idiot.” You laugh, pressing a kiss against Lexa’s cheek.

“Alright, we should go, Reyes.” Lincoln pokes the Latina, leaning over you and Lexa to do so.

“What? No, I’m sleeping here.”

“I think she already is.” Lincolns eyes sparkle when he looks between you and Lexa.

“Sappy.” You roll your eyes, making the man chuckle.

“Always.” He rises from the couch, fighting Raven when the Latina clearly doesn’t want to go.

“We’ll do a sleepover another time.” You promise her, laughing when Lincoln lifts her up, throwing the girl over his shoulder.

“Thankfully, there’s no pool in here.” Lexa jokes.

When Lincoln finally drops Raven, Nate steps out of the bathroom in his pyjama’s, looking adorable as he shuffles into the living room barefoot.

“Are you guys going?” his pout is subtle, but evident.

“Yeah, Clarke doesn’t want us here.” Raven rolls her eyes, but laughs when she tucks Nathan in for a short hug. She presses a kiss on top of his head. “How about we go play soccer tomorrow afternoon? We can ask Aden and Lincoln too.”

“Yeah?!” Nate’s eyes grow.

“What about us?” you pout, feeling Lexa’s arms snake around your waist.

“You two are too busy being disgustingly in love.” Raven laughs. “We want some quality time with your kid.”

“My kid?” you laugh, feeling lips on your cheek.

“Yeah, your kid.” Raven says it as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. You watch Nate grin as he fist bumps the Latina. “Goodnight, kid. See you tomorrow!”

“Yeah!” he beams. He high-fives Lincoln, and the two disappear from your apartment.

“I’m going to sleep.” Nathan announces, grinning while he still looks at your front door.

He finally moves closer to you and Lexa. You slip out of her lap, standing to give the boy a kiss on his head.

“We’ll be quiet, okay?” you promise him. He nods. “Sleep in if you want to.”

“Yeah.”

He moves on the couch to give Lexa an awkward hug, before pulling back and walking to his room without another word.

Silence falls around you as you move to sit back on the couch, leaning against Lexa heavily.

“You’re tired.” She simply states, her arms wrapping around you safely.

“Yeah.” You admit, closing your eyes while you drop yourself completely, tucking your feet on the couch, your head in Lexa’s lap as you lie.

“You’re not sleeping well.” Green eyes look down on you in worry.

You hate how she can read you sometimes. “It’s fine, really.”

“Nightmares?” she cups your cheek with one hand, her thumb softly caressing the skin.

“Sometimes.” You admit quietly. “It’s not unbearable.”

You close your eyes, feeling her fingers moving to gently massage your scalp. It’s comforting, almost lulling you to sleep.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Lexa’s voice is just so fucking soft and quiet, as if she’s trying to remind you that she’s not judging you.

“I didn’t want to worry you.” you peek through one eyes, catching her worrying gaze.

She smiles, softly tucking you to sit up. You straddle her lap carefully, your hands cupping her face.

She looks up at you, the light falling into her big, green eyes. Your fingers thread through her curls carefully as you feel her hands snaking around your waist to press you closer.

“You make me worry more if you don’t talk to me, you know.” She murmurs, her eyes never leaving yours.

You smile when you look down on her, your eyes roaming her face slowly to admire her beauty, her strong, characteristic features.

“I hate that you can read me.” You smile.

“No, you don’t.” her smile is just as wide.

“I think I need that.” You admit quietly. “I don’t really… say those things myself.”

“I know.” She leans in to softly press her lips against the dimple of your chin. She brushes up, along your jawline.

You close your eyes, enjoying the feeling of her against you. It feels like it’s been too long since you’ve kissed her and yet it was only yesterday when you went to dinner at your brother’s place.

She takes her time to kiss the skin in your neck, so softly that you can feel her breath tickle you.

You love her so much. You love how she doesn’t push you, how she is so subtly checking if you’re okay. You love how she doesn’t pressure you to talk more, but how she lets you decide your pace.

As if she just knows that you need that time.

You cup her face to guide it back up, making her look at you while you stare into those green orbs. “I love you. I really love you, you know that, right?”

“I do.” It’s just a simple whisper, but it sends shivers down your spine. “And I love you, Clarke. I love you a bit more every day.”

“Sap.” You tap her nose with your index finger, but you can’t wipe the cheesy grin from your face, making her chuckle lightly.

“You love it.” She leans into your touches.

“I do.” You laugh quietly. “I know I shouldn’t assume but… are you staying here tonight?”

“I’m not sure…” her gaze darts from you to Nathan’s door.

“I asked him.” You assure her. “He loves you, Lexa. He knows we’re together. He doesn’t mind.”

“Are you sure?” she still seems hesitant. “I don’t want to walk into his house like that.”

“It’s my house, too.” You smile, tucking a few strands of hair behind her small ear. “And I asked him, Lexa. He loves it.”

“Okay.” A smile creeps on her plump lips.

“God, you’re beautiful.” You sigh happily.

"Since when am I God?”

“Terrible joke, Lexa.” You grin.

“You love it.”

“Meh.” You smile, leaning in to kiss her softly. You moan softly when you feel those soft lips on your own. She’s warm and wet against your mouth and you love how she subtly deepens the kiss.

You take her bottom lip between your teeth, loving the tiny gasp escaping her parted lips. She shuffles to the edge of the couch, tucking her hands under your ass.

She stands up and you instantly cling onto her.

“You’re so much stronger than you look.” You smirk, nuzzling your face in her neck. “I really liked it at Marcus tonight.”

“He loves you.”

“I’ve known him for years, Lex.” You smile. “It’s so weird that I only met you months ago. Did you really never come back to LA to even visit him?”

“Sometimes briefly.” She admits as she leans in, making you open the door to your bedroom.

You close it behind her as she carries you to the bed.

“But I never really felt the need to… meet his friends. He spoke about you a lot, though.” She lays you down, already undressing. You move to grab a few shorts and shirts to sleep in.

“So you’ve heard stories about us.” You smile.

Her smile is genuine when she nods. “Yeah, I’ve heard stories. He always wanted me to meet you guys, but I never… I never felt comfortable doing that. I regret it, though, because I know how much you guys mean to him.”

“I think he understood, though.” You slip on your sleepwear, already falling onto your mattress. You don’t bother brushing your teeth. “Marcus is one of the few people who’s just really good at understanding people.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m glad, you know. I’m really glad that he’s the one you got to live with. He’s a really good guy, especially when I think about how much assholes there are in the foster system.” You open your arms, letting her drop into them as she snuggles against you warmly.

“Yeah, I know.”

“You said you were placed at Marcus’ place when you were eleven. You were eight when your parents died. Do you remember much from the time in between?” you ask softly, getting comfortable in the bed.

Lexa pulls the duvet over the both of you. “I do.”

“You don’t want to talk about it, do you?” your grip around her tightens.

“I’ve never told anyone.” She admits, laying her head on your shoulder to be able to look at you. “It was horrible, really.”

“You don’t have to tell me, babe.”

“That’s the second time you’ve called me that.” She smiles.

“You mind?” you kiss her forehead.

“No, I like it. And I like talking to you. I… I’ve been in many foster homes before I was placed with Marcus.”

You only hold her as she talks.

“There were families… that were nice, I think. But there was another family… a man and a woman, they were a bit older than the others. They’d been getting foster kids for a long time and they… they were abusive.”

You can hear the pain in her voice. You don’t speak, you just hold her, remind her that things are okay now.

“Sexually abusive. I didn't really know they were until I was already with Marcus. They told me it was normal.” Lexa’s voice cracks.

Your eyes flutter closed, your lips purse and you just feel the frustration run through your veins when you think of Lexa as a child, being abused, being harassed.

“Lexa.” You breathe, your heart speeding up when you feel her clutch onto your shirt. Your heart breaks for her. You didn’t know this. You knew that her youth was hard, but you didn’t know… “I don’t have words for this.”

“It’s okay, Clarke. It was a long time ago.” Her voice is vulnerable and soft. “I don’t even know why I told you. I’ve never… I’ve never told anyone.”

“Nobody? Not even Marcus?” you place your fingers under her chin, making her look at you.

“Nobody knows, Clarke.” Her green eyes are watery when she looks into your eyes. “It took me years to trust people. It took me over five years to trust Marcus completely, to trust he wouldn’t do anything like the others did to me.”

“How did you deal with it?” you murmur, hurting for her.

“I… I saw a therapist in DC. I never told her about the sexual abuse, but I think she knew at least something happened.”

“Lexa?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for telling me. Thank you for trusting me with this.” You lean in softly to kiss her. You’re not going to ask her what they specifically did to her. You’re not going to ask her more – if she wants to tell you, she’ll come to you. You refuse to mention it when it still clearly hurts her. “I just… I wish I could take that away, you know?”

“Take what away?” her lips are attached to your jawline.

“I wish I could take away your pain, you know.” You grimace when you think of it.

You can feel her smile against your skin. “I wish I could take away yours.”

“I’m not in pain.” You instantly defend yourself.

“I think we both know that that isn’t true.” She props up her elbow, leaning her cheek on her hand as she looks down on you. Her finger traces the lines of your face softly, as if she’s trying to memorize how everything feels. “You went through something heavy, Clarke. Somebody tried to kill you. You’ve seen so many things that you refuse to talk about and you keep pretending to be okay, but I don’t think you are.”

“Lexa…” you start, looking up at her. It’s strange to share. “…I am as fine as I can be. I’m happy.”

“I know you are, but you’re also hurting. You can be both at the same time, you know.” Her smile is sad, not really reaching her eyes. “I just… I hope you know you can tell me anything.”

“I know.” You close your eyes, wrapping your fingers around her wrist to bring her hand to your lips to press the softest kiss there. “I know I can, Lexa and I trust you.”

“I’m glad.” Her voice is still soft and vulnerable.

“I’ve seen kids…” you start. “…that went through the same thing as you did. I’ve seen it too many times and I just feel so powerless. I want to help them so much, I want to give them a childhood they deserve and when I think about what you went through, what Lincoln and Raven went through… none of you had the childhood you deserved and here I am, spoiled brat who has it all.”

“You shouldn’t think like that, Clarke. In case you didn’t notice, you share that with everyone. You share your family with Raven, with Lincoln, with me. With Nathan and even Ontari, Octavia and Anya. I can see you share it, giving everyone time with your friends and parents, pulling back yourself to give them that, to give us that, those close moments.” She mumbles, tears filling her eyes. “I know you feel like you don’t deserve your family, but you do, okay? You deserve it because you share, because you care about others and you are just… fuck, I love you so much.”

She leans in to press her lips on yours shortly. It’s a hard, desperate kiss that lasts briefly.

When she pulls back, her bottom lip trembles. Her hand resting on your cheek, you watch her hover half above you.

“You’re amazing, okay? You deserve what you have. You deserve more than that.” She continues.

“You deserve that just as much, if not more.” You pull her in again, your lips desperate to connect with hers. You pull her on top of you, suddenly just needing to feel her.

The kiss is salty, but you love it. It’s desperate, as if both of you try to express your feelings, feelings that words can’t describe.

You don’t really notice that you’re crying, that your heart just overflows with love and admiration for Lexa, that you realise how fucking lucky you are to have her.

You breathe heavily when she pulls back lightly, your lips swollen, her forehead resting against yours.

“I am so sorry for not seeing you.” you suddenly sniff. “For not… asking about you and just… sleeping with you. I used you, Lexa, how do you… why don’t you hate me for that?”

“I could never hate you, Clarke.” She bites her lips, visibly trying to hold back tears. “I… I never asked, either. It’s just… we slept together. That was it. And we did talk, you know. You did ask me things. You weren’t heartless.”

“I feel like I was.” You hold her face between your hands.

“You weren’t. Please, just… stop feeling guilty about everything, Clarke. There are some things just happening out of your control and you shouldn’t feel responsible for that.”

You let out a sarcastic chuckle. “I don’t think I can.”

“You are stubborn.” She smiles. “But really… it’s one of the reasons I love you.”

“What are the other reasons?” you smile, needing to hear it. You need to hear things like this.

“Well, you’re really fucking beautiful. You love Quentin Tarantino, that’s definitely a thing that I love. I love how you treat others, how you treat kids. I love you because you put others before yourself. I love you because you’re really fucking funny sometimes. I love you because you have really, really nice boobs. I love you because you are good in bed.” She grins now.

“Oh, I see.” You laugh quietly, but her index finger on your lips stops you.

“I love you because you’re Clarke.” She smiles. “You’re beautiful, you’re witty, you’re yourself even though it’s not always healthy for you. I love you.”

“I love you more.” You murmur, leaning up to press your lips against hers. “I love you because you’re a Greek goddess. I love you because you are secretly a giant nerd.”

“Hey!”

“I love you because you care about those kids just as much as I do, if not more. I love you because you’re so… intriguing and secretive about yourself but when you open up to me you’re just the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.”

“I’m not adorable.”

“Shush, you.” you laugh, rolling over so you lie on top of her. “I love you because you’re a bottom through and through.”

“You’re getting offensive.” She chuckles heartedly, her eyes sparkling.

“I love you because you love my jokes. I love you for loving me, for being there for me. I love you for being your silly you, for being your sexy you.” you kiss her nose. “And you’re so fucking beautiful. You’re out of my league.”

Her eyes widen. “No. You’re Clarke Griffin. You’re gorgeous, you’re made to be a model.”

“What? No.” you scoff, laughing when she starts tickling you. “No! Lexa, stop, we’ll wake Nate.”

“He sleeps like a rock.” She laughs, continuing to tickle you until she has you pinned onto your mattress.

“Lexa, are you saying I should go to New York or something?” you stop laughing, searching her face.

She just smirks smugly. “Well… I’ve seen Aden’s Instagram, Clarke.”

“You’ve been stalking me.” You grin amusedly.

You watch her cheeks redden. “I might have looked it up just so… I could look at you. Sorry.”

“It’s cute.” You smile. “If you want to look at me, why don’t you make your own pictures? Why don’t you come by?”

“I don’t want to pressure you, Clarke.”

“You wouldn’t.” you smile, leaning down to softly kiss her.

“I like photography.” Lexa smiles. “Do you want to be my model sometime?”

“Your muse?” you tease, leaning in to peck her lips teasingly.

“Who’s the sap now?”

“You are.” You laugh.

“Seriously, though, Clarke. You’d look amazing up there. I’m not saying you should do it, but… a girl can dream.” She grins.

“Aden really wants me to do it. I just… I’ve never done that before, Lexa.” You shake your head, dropping yourself next to her. “I don’t like attention.”

“I know you don’t.” she smiles, lying on her side to face you. She brushes some hair behind your ear softly, her smile never fading. “Aden would love that, though.”

“I don't think I will do it, though.” you smile. “If I’d ever do it, it’d only be for him.”

Her smile grows. “I know.”

“Don’t move!” you suddenly say, reaching for your phone.

She seems thoroughly confused when you open your camera app. You hold your phone in front of you, camera on her.

“Smile for me?” you grin. She smiles awkwardly.

“Okay, nevermind. Gimme a model look.” You laugh. You quickly move to sit on top of her, over the blankets. Her black shirt contrasts with your white sheets.

She is still lying on her side, but turning enough to face the camera. Her hair is sprawled around her face as she hides her smile behind her shoulder, closing her eyes.

You snap a few pictures, poking her sides for more reaction. She holds back loud snickers, and when you finally decide to fall back into bed beside her, you watch the pictures you took.

She snatches the phone from your hands, though.

“Don’t delete!” you instantly call out, already knowing there are some nice pictures in there.

“I won’t.” she grins. “If you’re happy with those incredibly uncharming photo’s then so be it.”

“They’re not incredibly uncharming. They’re adorably cute.” You pout, laughing when she shakes her head in amusement. She hands your phone back.

“I love you.” she admits quietly, as if it’s the first time she tells you. You fall silent as you lie on your side, your hand reaching up to tuck some hair from her face.

Her green eyes follow your every movement, the tiniest smile toying on the corner of her lips.

“You’ve said that a few times now.” You smile, your arm snaking around her waist to pull her closer.

“You don’t want me to?” her eyes grow wide, but you already shake your head, leaning in.

You brush your nose against hers. “I want you to say it.”

“Okay.” Her smile is small, but her eyes sparkle. You tilt your head slightly to be able to capture her lips softly.

You softly moan when you feel how warm, how soft she is, her lips softly demanding more access as her tongue slides into your mouth.

“Hm, it feels weird.” You pull back with a shy chuckle.

“What?”

“Nate.” You grin. “It’s weird. To have you here, knowing he’s in his bed sleeping right now.”

“It’s kind of a cock blocker, isn’t it?” Lexa laughs softly, but it grows when you giggle like a teenager.

“It is.” You grin.

“It feels like its been ages since we’ve been together. Just the two of us.” She smiles. “This is nice.”

“It is.” You snuggle closer to her, pressing your nose into the nape of her neck. You inhale her musky, flowery scent, the vanilla of her shampoo.

Her skin is hot and soft against you and you love the feeling. You love how she wraps her arms around you, making you feel so incredibly safe.

“Lexa, are you sure that you’re okay with Nathan living with me?” you ask carefully, pulling back just enough to be able to look at her.

“Yes.” She states. You search her face for doubts, but you don’t find any. “But I do get the feeling that you regret taking him in.”

“What?” it’s your turn to widen your eyes. “No?”

Her smile remains, her silence making you think. You don’t regret taking him in. You don’t regret promising to make sure that he will be okay.

It’s a change in your life that you’ve welcomed. It’s a change in your life that you embrace, because you love him.

You love the boy and he just… his influence on you has been good. It’s been good.

“I can almost hear you thinking.” She keeps smiling, her fingers slipping under your shirt to run up and down your spine smoothly. It’s a welcomed touch.

“I don’t know.” You mumble. “I’ve never really thought about the… negative effects.”

“I know. That’s because you promised him something and because of that, you refuse to let go of that promise. Once again, you didn’t think about yourself.” She doesn’t say it like it’s a bad thing, like she’s judging you. “I’m just saying that your decision was impulsive.”

“I just couldn’t let him go to another strange family.” You admit.

“I know. I would’ve done the same thing.” Her voice is comforting. “And which is why I will help you with him. I know you won’t ever give up on him, but neither will I. You’re not in this alone, okay?”

“Okay.” You smile.

Yeah, you are sure that it’ll be okay. You’re sure that you will figure it out. You have an entire family caring about you and you don’t feel bad for that. You know that all of them are willing to help you.

You know that they support your decision with Nate, just like Lexa has. Aden loves the boy. Raven and Lincoln both volunteered to take care of the boy if you ever want to get out, if you ever need time just alone with Lexa or others.

You know your parents are willing to do things like that, too. You know even Marcus would take care of Nathan. All you have to do is ask for their help, let them in in a way you never really have before.

You know that they would. They will. Help you, that is.

You fall into a comfortable silence when you think about it all. When you think about how fucking lucky you are to have each and everyone in your life right now.

You think about how happy it makes you to have Lexa here with you. How happy it makes you to take a beaming Nate to the park to play soccer. Or to take your friends to the beach, or spend time at your parents’ house or go to baseballgames with your father and Marcus (and now Lexa, too).

“Lex?” you mumble. When she doesn’t respond, you only now notice the soft snores, indicating that she fell asleep with her arms around you, her cheek leaning on your forehead.

You smile. Your heart is about to burst, really. You can feel it thudding in your chest. You can feel your stomach twitch in a good way.

You can’t wipe the smile from your face when you realise that this woman, she’s the one you want to spend the rest of your life with.

It’s only been… weeks. It’s only been a short amount of time that the two of you spent together, getting to know each other, but you just _know_.

You’re going to marry her one day, if she’ll let you.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter epilogue from Lexa's POV!!!
> 
> so, i will probably never stop writing fics. So, for you, my dear readers, my faithful fans, i've put up my email address in my profile (iwannadreamforever97@gmail.com). if you have requests about fics, ideas, really anything at all let me know! i am very much a pleaser so i would love to write something specially on your requests. dont hesitate to let me know through email or the comments. (sorry i dont have tumbler or whatever its called. a lot of writers do have that but i have no idea how that works since i suck with social media and stuff)


	10. epilogue - this is family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s the end already. This has been an amazing journey and thank you all for reading!!!  
> God, this chapter is almost 30k words, I’ve worked my ass off for this one. Who knew I could be such an incredible sap..  
> It turned out way sappier than I wanted it to, oops  
> Yeah, so warning ahead, this chapter is sappy, cheesy and everything that clexa deserves so… here we go.  
> Last chapter, written from Lexa’s POV.  
> PS: mentions of sexual abuse in this chapter. Not detailed, but could be experienced as a trigger. I’ve put two stars (**) when it starts. It is just a few sentences.

\\\  
  


_ One year and eight months later _

You’re just sunbathing in the late afternoon on Jake and Abby’s terrace, with nothing much to do. Lazily scrolling through Instagram, unable to stop yourself from checking Aden’s page.

He truly has the best pictures of him, but also of Clarke. You smile when you scroll through his photos, bumping into the pictures that were made during the New York Fashion Week.

Clarke had eventually caved. She felt like she couldn’t leave her brother alone up there, so they prepared her for months so she could walk down that runway.

You grin when you remember going to New York. It had been hectic and you couldn’t be there the whole time since you had to teach, but you were there over the weekend.

You were there to witness Clarke and Aden on the runway a few times and you had loved each second.

She did it so well. The twins did get a lot of attention after that and you know that somewhere deep inside, Clarke regretted going just because of that. She doesn’t like the spotlights at all, even though through her parents she’s had to deal with it her entire life.

But you also know that whenever Aden brought up the subject of New York – he would beam with pride. He would smile and tell stories about how Clarke would take calming pills to survive with her nerves, or how she’d stumble over her feet backstage but rocked it on the runway itself.

And Clarke would laugh at those stories. You could see the subtle spark in her eyes, telling you that perhaps, she enjoyed it more than she would care to admit.

She just rocked it. She didn’t look nervous at all when she’d walk on high heels, wearing Ralph Lauren’s suits and other clothing.

After that, Clarke never really did any of that work again. She got many offers from all over the country, even from abroad, but she never really went with it.

She got recognized a lot more while walking down the street and you know she hates that part the most.

She hates it when people ask for a picture and that you have to take it when you’re with her.

You don’t mind it, though. You just love to see how she interacts with fans even though she doesn’t like it. She’s always kind and sweet and takes her time and you just love that she gets that kind of recognition – she deserves that.

When you asked her why she never really took an offer like that again, she told you that her passion lies somewhere else, with her job in the foster system.

You know she loved going down that runway with her brother, but you also know that she can’t let go of her job at the agency. You know she can’t let go of who she is – the need to help others is bigger than her love for that certain something she found while being in New York with Aden.

You also know that though she loved doing that secretly, she still doesn’t like it that she gets so much attention from the media.

You wonder if she’ll ever cave again, though. You know she would be ‘old’ for the modelling world (she’s almost thirty, but god, age does her so, _so_ well), but still. It kind of suits her.

She’s gorgeous after all.

You move to Clarke’s Instagram.

It’s poorly maintained, really. She did post a few pictures again over the past two years, but nothing much.

There’s a selfie of her, with you, Nate, Ontari and Aden. It’s an adorable photo.

Then, there’s the picture that one of her friends probably took right before the gala of her parents’ thirtieth anniversary.

She posted it months after. It’s a picture of her and Aden laughing so naturally and enthusiastically that you can almost hear the sound of her laugh when you look at it.

She looks absolutely stunning in that picture. Stunning and happy, so happy. You think it’s one of your favourite pictures of her.

You smile, closing the app when your phone rings.

You keep smiling when you see the name.

“Hey.” You are grateful for your sunglasses when you lie back down in your bikini.

“Hey, babe.” Clarke’s voice sounds happy and thrilled. “I might be a little later than initially planned.”

“That’s okay.” You smile into the phone.

“Sorry, Lex.” She sounds apologetic. “But I think it’ll be worth it this time.”

“I don’t mind, Clarke. I know how important your job is to you.” you keep smiling, simply happy that she always takes the time to at least call you when she’s working late.

You can’t wipe the grin from your face when Jake throws a knowing look at you. You’re planted on one of the Griffin’s lounging chairs, Clarke’s dad lounging in a seat next to you.

Aden, Nathan, Ontari and Abby are in the swimming pool, playing a game of pool basketball, since Jake thought it was necessary to buy special pool hoops.

“Are you sure? I mean… I promised I’d be there, but I just… I feel bad for being late.”

“How much later are you gonna be?” you ask simply, relaxing when you feel the hot sun on your skin.

“Maybe just an hour or so.” Clarke sounds like she’s guessing. “You can all just start dinner without me.”

“Are you kidding? I’m sure they’re willing to wait for you.” you smile.

“Just go eat if you’re hungry, okay?” she keeps going.

“Okay. Text me when you leave?”

“Will do. See you soon, babe.”

“Bye, Clarke.” You keep smiling, putting your phone away.

“Join us in the pool?” Jake tries, but you shake your head.

“I’ve had enough chlorine in my hair for today. I might go blonde if I go in again.” You chuckle. Your hair is already a few shades lighter with the amount of time you spent in the pool the past weeks.

Schools are closed because of the summer break and Nathan just wanted to spend time here. Not that you mind, you love being at this house, the view over the ocean, the pool, the people.

It’s always good to be here. Jake and Abby even insisted that you could just stay here if they wouldn’t be home, but you never did.

“I think blonde looks good on you, though.” He continues. You move to sit up, looking at him in all seriousness when you slide your sunglasses in your curly hair.

There’s just something you’ve been meaning to ask him and Abby.

His blue eyes are sparkling the same way Clarke’s eyes can, his smile just as radiant as his kids’.

He’s wearing nothing but swimming trunks, his dirty blonde hair filled with salt and pepper already, but still he’s a good looking man for his age. Clarke definitely got her good genes from him.

Although Abby sure isn’t bad on the eyes either – both Clarke and Aden look a lot like their father.

“What’s on your mind?” he nudges your shoulder as he sits on the chair beside you.

“Could I…” you start. “…talk to you inside, maybe?”

His eyebrows rise in curiosity, but he rises from his seat, offering his hand to help you up.

You try to catch Abby’s gaze from the pool, silently telling her to join you inside.

Sudden nerves run through your veins as you walk after the man, into his kitchen. He leans against the counter, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he looks at you expectantly.

“Uhm, I kinda wanted to ask both you and Abby, but… it seems hard these days to get the both of you alone.” You begin.

“What do you need me for?” Abby suddenly pops up, making you jump in surprise. You relax when she wraps a wet arm around your bare waist, smiling when she looks like a drowned cat in her own house, clearly not bothered by the trail of water she leaves behind.

“It’s good that you’re here, Abby. I’ve been wanting to ask the two of you something for a while now…” You start over, rubbing your chin with your hand awkwardly, trying to find the right words. “I just… I want to ask Clarke if she would give me the honour of being her wife, but I wanted to ask you for permission first.”

Jake’s expression doesn’t change much, except that maybe the sparkle in his eyes only grows, the smile wider.

Abby instantly pulls you into a wet hug, but you don’t hesitate to reciprocate.

“We would be honoured to call you our daughter in law.” Abby smiles so happily when she pulls back, her brown eyes kind and loving. “I am just surprised that it took the both of you so long.”

“So long?” you chuckle, your hands resting on Abby’s forearms. “We’ve only been together for…”

“Almost two years.” Jake finally speaks up, also moving to join you. His arm slides around your shoulder when he presses a kiss against your cheek. “You have my blessing, Lexa. You didn’t have to ask this, you know that right?”

“I know, I just… to have your blessing makes it just… better.” You admit quietly, always overwhelmed by the love these people have.

“You have our blessing.” Abby confirms, nodding happily. “Lexa, Clarke is so happy with you. I have never seen her like this before, you know. She’s always just… been so distant, but ever since she met you I feel like she opened up more.”

“She’s glowing.” Jake smiles. “She never did.”

You feel a rush of relief run through your veins when you lean into the man. “For what it’s worth – she changed me, too.”

“We know.” Abby grins. “We’ve talked a lot about the two of you with Marcus.”

“Not gossiping, right?” you laugh.

“Always.” Jake giggles childishly, making you poke his side.

He squeals high-pitched in a way Aden can do, too. Abby laughs heartedly when you poke him again, making him shriek even more.

He quickly grabs your wrists, before throwing you over his shoulder with ease.

“Oh no.” you await your fate, trying to fight him when he hurries outside, throwing you into the pool right in front of Ontari.

You can feel him fall into the water beside you as you struggle to get back up, laughing when you try to search your fallen sunglasses.

“What was that for?” Ontari laughs when she helps you up.

“Clarke and Lexa are gonna be engaged soon.” Jake blurts out, instantly regretting it when you groan, hiding your face behind your hands. “Oh my god, was it supposed to be a secret?”

“Jake.” Abby scolds. Nathan just squeals in excitement when he moves through the water to embrace you tightly.

You laugh when you wrap your arms around the boy.

“You’re gonna be my family, too!”

“I already am, you nerd.” You laugh when he pulls back. His dark eyes sparkle.

“Congratulations.” Aden pops up behind the boy, a wide, happy grin on his face.

“Guys.” You roll your eyes. “I haven’t even asked her yet.”

“When are you going to do it?” Ontari seems just as enthusiastic as Jake and Nathan.

“I… I don’t know. I haven’t bought a ring yet, but I’ve been saving up for one.” You admit mischievously when you lean your elbows on the edge of the pool, your back pressed against the wall as you enjoy the feeling of the cool water on your skin. “I might need your help to find her the perfect ring, or maybe I want to make one myself.”

“We should go shopping soon!” Abby exclaims.

“For what?!” a familiar voice suddenly sounds.

Your eyes nearly pop out of your head when you turn around so quickly that you almost faint.

She didn’t hear, did she?! “Clarke! I thought you were going to be late.”

You gulp when you see her. She’s still wearing her work outfit – white slacks, light blue silk blouse she tucked out of her pants after a long day of work. Sunglasses on the tip of her nose, her now short hair curly and messy when she runs her hand through it.

She squats down in front of you. “What are you hiding from me?”

“Nothing!” Everybody instantly calls out, way too soon, making the blonde look around suspiciously.

Your heart is beating in your chest rapidly.

“I don’t believe you.” she lets out a low, amused chuckle. “What are you plotting? A silly birthday party?”

You know her birthday is coming up soon. Hers and Aden’s. Next week, even. You already planned a part for her, so that’s not it, but everyone acts awkward, as if that is the exact reason they got caught.

You’re simply grateful for that. Clarke lets out another chuckle, but it falters.

“Lexa, can I talk to you for a moment?” her tone is quite serious all the sudden. You have no idea why it scares you.

You simply nod, shooting the others a glare before climbing out the pool. She presses a small kiss against your lips before tugging you around the house, until you are near her car.

“Clarke, what is going on?” you feel seriously frightened when she opens her car, leaning in to grab something.

“I have something for you.” she states right before moving back out of the car to close the door. She has a file in hands, leaning against the dark sedan.

“What is it?” you think you know what it is, but you refuse to believe it until she says so.

“We found _him_.” She smiles, sliding her glasses in her hair.

You gape at her for a moment. Him. Your brother. They found him.

“I’m wet, I can’t take the file.” You feel the desperate urge to take the file anyway. All the answers to the questions you’ve had the past year and a half, they’re right there.

“Let’s get inside.” She tucks on your arm, but you stop her.

“It’s almost been two years.” You breathe. Two years it took to find your brother.

She leans into you, her fingers wrapping around your wrist carefully. She doesn’t speak when she leans in to press a longing kiss against your lips. For a moment there, you forget everything.

For a moment you get lost in her, in her kiss, the feeling of those soft lips against your own, moving with that careful purpose. You smile into her, chasing her lips when she pulls back.

She just smiles, leaning her forehead against your own in that way she often does, as if she needs that to remind herself that you are real. Her free hand tucks some of your wet hair behind your ear.

“You’ve tanned.” She grins, pecking your lips before finally tugging you inside. She hands you a towel to dry yourself off.

“They are waiting for us, though.” You motion your head outside, but she shakes her head.

“They know. Come on.” She leads you to her father’s study, basically a library with a large desk in the middle. You dry yourself off, smiling when she disappears to return with an oversized linen blouse that she hands you.

You gratefully put it on as you sit down, Clarke right next to you.

“Did you tell them before you told me?” you tease.

“I knew you’d be too curious all day, didn’t want to do that to you.” her blue eyes sparkle. “I have good news, Lexa.”

“Yeah?” you look at the file that she put on the desk. She takes your hand in hers, her small fingers playing with yours.

“He’s alive and well.” Her smile only grows. She slides the file to you, indicating for you to open it. “Lincoln was the one to find him.”

“How?” you can’t believe it.

“Well… it took us some digging to find his date of birth.” She starts. You nod. You already know this. Clarke found it about only a month ago finally, after searching public records, any kind of system really that would have this kind of information.

After that, the only thing you had to do was find out his name and who adopted him.

“Lincoln found it, really. Hospital records don’t go back further than fifteen years.” She continues. “But you already know this. I don’t know how Lincoln did it, he didn’t have much time to explain.”

You nod. You tremble when you open the file.

His name is right there. His name, his date of birth, his adoption records.

“Do you know who his biological father is?” you scan the first page, but you don’t find it.

Clarke shakes her head. “Your mother never told his name, there is nothing known about him.”

“I can’t really believe this.” You shake your head. You know your family was messed up. You know that your mother cheated on your father and kept it a secret from him until your brother was born.

You were just a child and you barely remember, but it’s just… the ending your parents had is just so painful.

You wish that somehow it never happened. If your mother hadn’t cheated, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant at that time. Your parents wouldn’t have fought and broken up.

They sure as hell wouldn’t have died when they picked you up from school to give you the news.

You bury your face in your hands, flashbacks from vague moments with your parents popping up in your mind.

You can feel Clarke’s cool hands around your wrists. She tugs you out of your position, making you stand instead.

She holds you closely. She just holds you, as if she knows what is going on in your head right now, as if she just knows everything.

She always has a way of knowing. Sometimes it still scares you, how well she knows you, how well she can read you.

But in moments like these, it’s very welcomed when she doesn’t say a word but just holds you tightly.

“Lexa?” she murmurs against your ear. “Lexa, you don’t have to do this, you know this right?”

You nod, only now realising that you’ve been ruining her shirt by crying. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, baby.” She holds your face between her hands, her blue eyes searching your face for doubts, for anything at all.

You almost can’t take it, the way she looks at you with that adoration, that love. God, you love her. You crash your lips against hers roughly, almost making her tumble back but she giggles, holding you steady by your elbows, before she snakes her arms around your waist.

You can feel her tongue swipe at your bottom lip in a lazy, but heated kiss. You happily let her in, sighing into her.

You kiss her with a desperation you haven’t felt in years. You need her. You moan softly when she takes your lip between her own, nipping softly before releasing it again, changing the angle.

“I’ve missed you today.” She smiles into the kiss, whispering against your lips. “I couldn’t wait to give you the news.”

You smile back. “I’m happy, Clarke. You make me happy.”

“Sap.” She teases, giggling when her arms slide around your neck to hold you against her. You press your body against hers, loving how well she fits against you.

“Always.” You mumble, before capturing her lips once again, this time sloppier than before, but you don’t care.

You just feel her softness, you just let yourself be loved by this amazing woman.

You gasp for air when you pull back. You fall silent for a moment, contemplating if you should tell her about your doubts.

“It’s just that…”

“…your parents would still be here if not for him?” she smiles.

“How did you know?” you gape at her.

“I know you.” she smiles, but it’s sadder than before. “You told me that once. It’s just… written all over your face.”

“Is it bad that I sometimes wish that he wouldn’t exist?” you close your eyes, almost ashamed of thinking that.

“I think it’s natural, Lexa. It’s not something bad, okay? There’s not much you can do about it anymore, though.”

Oh, how she understands. She always does, for some strange reason.

“Let’s look at it.” You peck her lips before retreating, sitting back down on the chair to stare at the files.

“Are you sure about this?”

You suck your lips into your mouth, glancing between her and the papers in front of you.

“Yes.”

\\\

“So, his name is Gustus.” You smile goofily when you sit at the dining table outside on the terrace. Clarke is right next to you, Ontari on your other side. Nate is placed on Clarke’s other side.

The other three Griffins sit on the other side of the table. You just finished dinner and they asked about your brother, sipping on a glass of wine.

“He’s twenty-one, now.” You continue, trying to imagine a boy, young man, perhaps looking a bit like you. There were no photos. “He lives in Charlotte, North Carolina. His parents are Nyko and Sarah Olsson.”

“The people that adopted him, right?” Aden glances at you with twinkling blue eyes.

You nod. “Yeah. There’s nothing known about his biological father, though.”

“What are you going to do now?” Abby’s brown eyes are piercing when she looks at you from across the table, a wine glass in hand while she leans against her husband.

“I don’t know yet.” You shake your head. The first thought that went through your head when you saw where he lived was book a flight.

“We don’t know if his parents told him that he’s adopted.” Clarke mumbles, squeezing your hand softly.

“It’d be… appropriate to approach his parents first.” You nod then, before taking another sip from the red liquid. “…but then I’d have a chance that they wouldn’t know who I am, that they wouldn’t allow me to see him.”

“He’s twenty-one, right? So you don’t have to go to the parents?” Ontari opts.

“Yeah, but I don’t think I’d do that.” You shake your head. You’ve been thinking about this all night.

“Well, then, just go to his parents.” Nate grins. “Can we come, too?”

“No.” Clarke laughs, ruffling Nate’s short afro. He grumbles something under his breath, making you laugh shortly.

“Okay.” Jake nods. “If there’s anything that we can do, let us know. Does Marcus know?”

“Yeah, I called him before dinner.” You smile. Marcus too, had offered to help if you needed it, but you feel like this is something you have to do alone. Perhaps with Clarke, but mostly just alone.

“I can’t imagine having a half-brother like that.” Aden mumbles to himself, not unkindly, but still earning him a shove from his mother. “What? I mean… if I look at it, I only admire Lexa for choosing to find him. She could’ve hated him.”

“I don’t.” you instantly say. “I’ve lost my parents because of the situation they created. He didn’t have anything to do with it. It’s not his fault.”

“Yeah.” Clarke squeezes your hand again, sending a sweet smile your way. You can feel your head already buzz with the subtle hint of alcohol.

You feel pretty tired. It’s late already.

“I think I’m gonna go to bed.” You rise from your seat. You walk around the table, squeezing Aden’s shoulder and pressing a kiss on Abby and Jake’s cheeks. “Thank you for the lovely dinner.”

“You’re welcome. Sleep well, Lexa.” Abby smiles at you, Jake winking in that way he always does.

You smile at everyone before quickly escaping inside, to the room that you and Clarke have shared many times over the past years.

You sigh, opening the balcony doors to hear their hushing voices, something that’s always comforted you for some reason.

You lie down on the bed, simply staring at the ceiling.

A lot has happened the past two years. Time has gone by so incredibly fast and yet you feel like no time has passed at all.

Life has been good for you. Clarke has been good for you. She was the one to propose to move in together, several months ago.

You asked Nate for permission, but he had waved it off, claiming that ‘you’re always there anyway’. You could see the sparkle in his dark eyes, though.

He’s been growing up. He’s going to high school after the summer and he’s grown a bit taller, but not by much.

His voice is starting to change just subtly, but he’s still the same boy that you met in class when you first started at the school.

Clarke has been good for him, too. You can tell that those two are just close, something that you might never have with him, but you don’t mind. You love him and he cares about you too and that is all you need to know.

You play games with him often, when Clarke is in her studio drawing or painting. Sometimes, he joins her and they draw together, but lately they’ve been doing it a lot less, probably because he’s been spending more time with his friends.

It’s been really good, though.

You and Clarke had found an amazing, affordable, two-story apartment in Echo Park. Clarke had to give up her ocean view, but it had been worth it when you were given a view over the Echo Park Lake and downtown LA in the distance.

It’s just an amazing place and you love it. You run around the lake each morning before work, while Clarke would still be in bed.

When you’d return home, she would just wake up and you often shower together, when Nathan doesn’t bother you. He usually sleeps until he really has to leave his bed, refusing to eat breakfast from time to time.

It had been different since the summer break. Both you and Nathan didn’t have all that much to do, so Clarke woke you up every morning just to make out before she had to go to work.

Not that you’re complaining at all.

You’re rising from the bed, changing into one of Clarke’s old soccer shorts and a simple tank top, before moving to the balcony.

The darkness is slowly falling over the house, the hushed voices disappeared. You figure that everyone has gone to bed by now, so it’s just a matter of time before Clarke joins you here.

You stare into the ocean, the dark sky above the water. Still some lingering light from the moon makes it a stunning view, the tiny stars appearing above.

You suddenly feel a body wrap around your own, arms around your waist, a chin leaning on your shoulder.

“Hey.” Her husky voice is soft, and even in the short word she pronounced you can hear that she’s slightly drunk.

“Hey.” You smile, leaning back into her, your eyes closing to simply enjoy the feeling of her against you.

“What you thinking about?” she husks in your ear lowly and you already know what she wants.

“Family.” You smile, feeling the subtle buzz of alcohol in your own head. You know you’re tipsy, at least.

“Yeah?” her grip around you tightens ever so subtly, but you sigh happily when you can feel her lips brushing the skin underneath your ear.

It sends shivers down your spine when you feel the subtle breaths tickling your baby hairs.

You don’t really say anything while you feel the warm wind in your face, the constant crickets and the sound of waves in the distance.

“Can I show you something?” she moves her hands to your hips to turn you around. She changed into the thinnest summer robe you’ve ever seen, almost transparent. It’s black and shiny and god, with her beachy curls, her face lit by the dim light of the moon she looks like a freaking angel.

“Yes.” You can still feel her hands on your hips.

“Come on.” She smiles, tucking your hand in hers as you move. She takes you outside. She takes you down the stairs on the side of the yard, down the beach.

In all these years that you’ve come here, not once did it cross your mind to go to the beach.

It’s just a public beach and everyone always prefers to swim in the pool, anyway. But Clarke is taking you down the now empty beach, not even caring that the two of you look ready to go to bed. Clarke is just impulsive like that and you know she doesn’t really care about appearance.

It’s different down here. The warmth is still lingering in the sand as you curl your toes in it. The sounds of the waves are much closer and the wind is stronger down here, for some strange reason.

“I can’t believe I’ve never been down here before.” You smile, your hand still in hers while she takes you to the shoreline.

“It can get pretty busy down here.” She pulls you closer to her. “I’m drunk.”

“I know.” You laugh softly, wrapping your arms around her.

“Wanna go skinny dipping?” her eyes sparkle mischievously, her grin lopsided. You know that look.

“No.” you shake your head. She instantly pouts. She knows you can’t resist that face, but you keep shaking your head. “ _Clarke_. I’m not having sex with you in the ocean.”

The low giggle she lets out tells you that you were right about your guess.

“Why not?” her hands cup your face. She pulls you in a fierce kiss.

You immediately sink into her. Two fucking years and you still can’t get enough. You know you’ll cave soon enough. You know you can’t resist her.

“Clarke.” You chuckle, breathing against her pink lips.

“What?” her hands tangle in your hair, forearms leaning on your shoulders.

“You’re wearing nothing underneath that thing, are you?” you glance down between your bodies, watching her nipples through the soft fabric of her robe.

“Only one way to find out.” She chuckles.

“Clarke.” You warn her, but you can’t stop yourself from smiling. She locks her hips with yours. She is smooth when she slides one leg between your own. “I look like shit.”

“You never look like shit. If anyone were to be a real model, it should be _you_.” Her voice is lower than before. Her blue eyes stare you down and you know you’re only seconds away from finally caving in.

You sigh. Your gaze drops back to her lips, watching how she wets them with the tip of her tongue before biting her bottom one. You hold back a moan, just by watching her you feel the need to do many, many things to her.

You can feel her curves against your own, even through the clothes you’re wearing and you can’t hold back anymore.

You lean in to softly capture her lips with your own, subtle kisses growing heated fast. Your hands make their way into her robe and you let out a moan when you can feel her hot, soft skin.

She really wears nothing underneath. Your hands slide down her body, fingers digging in her hips to pull her as close as possible.

You move them to the curve of her ass, squeezing the flesh you find while your tongue starts to explore her mouth. The heat rushes to your core quickly, excitement filling your chest.

You know you’re out in public and you know that people could show up, but you can’t find it in yourself to care, not when you have this goddess against you, wanting you.

You moan when her tongue fights yours. She’s always just been a fantastic kisser, driving you insane with that specific twirl of her tongue when she gets needy.

Her hands tuck on your top and you rise your arms to let her take it off.

Your eyes quickly dart over the beach, but you’re still alone.

“You know they can see from the house, right?” you ask softly, while you brush your lips down the column of her neck. Her hands are instantly back at the nape of your neck to guide you where she wants you the most.

“I’m aware. But it’s so far away they’d need binoculars.” Her voice is breathless. Her robe falls open and you’re met with her pale skin, the softness of her breasts, her curves.

God, you love her.

She tucks on your shorts.

You slide the robe off her shoulders before finally standing naked and exposed, quickly guiding her in the water before anyone can see.

She laughs. She laughs loudly when you fall, tripping over your own feet, face flat in the water.

You come back up snorting, trying to wipe the hair from your face, laughing when she guides you up to stand, walking further into the salty, chilly ocean until the water reaches your chests.

She stops then, lacing her fingers behind your head.

“I’ve always wanted to do this.” She smiles widely while she tilts her head back to look up at the sky.

You do the same while you hold her close with your arms around her waist, hands in the small of her back.

“Have sex in the ocean?”

“It’s definitely on my bucket list.” She grins.

“Having sex in strange places is just your thing, isn’t it?” you grin mischievously. It’s always Clarke to propose an interesting place. So far you have a very nice list of weird places you’ve had sex in.

“Yeah, it’s exciting.” She smirks, her tiny nose scrunching up in the cutest way possible. You glance into her blue eyes, getting lost for a moment there.

You never really thought of yourself as a romantic, but the moment Clarke stepped into your life everything changed. You’ve turned into an incredible, cheesy person that you barely recognize.

She glances back up, leaning back heavily but you hold her. You hold her while she gazes for the stars drunkenly. You smile, your eyes roaming over her exposed sternum, her neck. Her pale skin contrasting with the darkness of the night and the water.

“Clarke?” you keep looking at her, watching the sharp line of her jaw, her dimpled chin before she dips her head back to look at you with bright blue eyes.

“Yeah?”

“Will you go with me?” you bite your bottom lip.

“Go where?” her eyes search your face.

“North Carolina.” You smile shyly when you watch the smile on her lips grow.

“So you’ve decided?” she breathes, resting her head against yours. You can feel her breaths on your face.

“Yes.” You are determined. “And I need you with me when I go.”

“I’ll be there.” She grins then, cupping your chin with her left hand. “I love you, Lexa. No matter what happens you’ll always have me, okay?”

“Okay.” You nod, your gaze flickering between her blue orbs. It dips down to her lips.

You smile when she pushes your wet hair out of your face before leaning in. She surprises you when she jumps up to wrap her legs around your hips.

Her weight is lighter in the water and you easily catch her. You look up at her, only to be met by hungry lips searching your own.

You can feel her starting to grind into your lower stomach.

Her kisses are salty and wet, messy but fucking with your mind when she changes angles again and again, searching for more, wanting more.

And you need more, too. Your hand slides under her leg while you kiss her like your life depends on it.

You easily find her core, her folds. You can feel how wet she is, her slick arousal dipping around your fingers, you feel how her grip on your shoulder tightens, her nails digging into your bare skin while she trembles.

She doesn’t stop kissing you when you slide two fingers into her with ease. You move your mouth from hers, down to her neck, sucking and nibbling on the damp skin so desperately that you feel like you’d be lost without doing so.

She rolls her hips into your movements smoothly, her walls already clenching around your fingers.

You move further down to take a nipple between your teeth, biting softly, feeling it stiffen even more when you twirl your tongue around it.

“Fuck.” She lets out a breathy moan, a moan you’d die for to hear again.

You add a digit into her, feeling her hips bucking more frantically while she guides your face back up to meet her parted lips, her tongue already waiting for yours.

You moan when she pulls your lip between her own, biting, nibbling, teasing you while you curl your fingers inside of her. She gasps, forgetting to kiss you for a moment.

You open your eyes, biting your bottom lip when you watch her eyes roll back, her mouth o-shaped while she holds back a few moans bubbling from her throat.

She rides your fingers shamelessly in the water and you don’t care that it probably looks stupid from the shore.

You don’t care if anyone sees. You just care about her, wanting to make her feel good. You pepper her jaw with kisses, her neck, her face when she looks back down on you, her hands cupping your face to stare you down while she comes, shuddering.

She pants, trying to recover while clinging onto you for dear life, pressing lazy kisses all over your face.

You chuckle while you hold her, softly swaying her to a random song that you have in your head.

She doesn’t really move, just leaning her cheek against the side of your head. The soft sounds of the water around you works therapeutic, the salty scent around you calming you for some strange reason.

“Lexa?” she pulls back, taking your face between her hands once again, wiping some lost ocean droplets from your face.

“Yes?” you look up at her, smiling widely. She has a crease between her eyebrows, as if she’s thinking really hard, searching the words while her eyes roam your face.

“Marry me?” the words come totally unexpected. Your eyes widen, your heart stops for a moment before beating rapidly under your ribcage.

She looks at you while you gape at her in surprise, your lips parted, your eyebrows shot up into your hairline.

“What?” you blink a few times, not sure if you heard her correctly.

She has a doubtful smile on her face, worry written over her features.

“I want to be your _wife_.” She says the words softly, as if they’ll break if she speaks them too loudly.

“Really?” you can’t really believe this.

“Yes, really.” She smiles now, her blue eyes big and expecting.

“Okay.” You feel a grin form on your face. She totally ruined the surprise you were starting to plan for her, but you won’t tell her that. You can still ask her. You still want to.

“Okay?” she huffs amusedly, playing with wet strands of hair in the nape of your neck.

“Yes, Clarke. Yes, I want to marry you, yes I want you to be my wife and yes I want to be _yours_.” Your smile grows. You can just… feel your heart overflow with awe and admiration for this woman.

You eagerly lean in to kiss her. You kiss her with everything that you have, leaving her and yourself completely breathless, but it’s all worth it when she has a happy smile on her face, her blue orbs sparkling.

She pulls you in a hug, so tightly that you can’t really breathe anymore. Her legs unwrap from around you, making her stand right in front of you.

“I didn’t know you wanted to get married.” You smile, placing a kiss on the tip of her cute nose.

“I did, but only with you.” She smiles, almost shyly now when she pulls back a little. “I didn’t… I didn’t buy you a ring.”

“A spontaneous proposal?” your smile only grows. You’re pretty sure that it reaches your ears by now.

“Yeah, I just… I couldn’t _not_ ask.”

You just hold her close. You nudge your nose in her neck, pressing yourself flush against her, to remind yourself that she really wants this.

That she wants to spend the rest of her life with you.

“I love you, Clarke.” You murmur, pressing featherlight kisses on her collarbone, on her pulse point, slowly moving up to make her feel good.

You mumble in her ear. “I love you so much.”

You’re desperate when you find her lips again, her soft, familiar lips that you never grow tired of.

You are hungry for her. She smiles into you, giving you the best feeling in the world.

“Let me take care of you.” she grumbles when her hand slides down your naked body under the water, down where you need her the most.

You answer by kissing her harder, with despair and love and it’s just a crazy mix altogether. You’re feeling too much.

You don’t know how to express yourself, you don’t know how to tell her that you’ve always wanted to marry her, from the moment you first saw her.

You don’t know how to tell her that she is so beautiful, that she is just the best person in the world, in _your_ world.

She is your entire fucking world, it just revolves around her. As crazy as it may sound, she’s the one keeping you going. She’s the reason you get out of bed each morning with a smile on your face.

She’s the reason that you’ve become happy, that you’ve been able to grow. Everything that you’ve been through, it just seems to fade when she’s with you. The future is hopeful and you really, really just want to spend it with her.

You gasp against her when you can feel her fingers slide inside of you. You wish there were a way you could be even closer to her, because it never seems _enough_.

You shiver when you press your chest against hers, so desperate for that contact that sends fire through your veins, making your skin tingle and your breath hitch in your throat.

You feel her lips truly everywhere, her hand massaging your ass, your back, your boobs.

You buck your hips into her, needing more friction between your legs while you can feel the pleasure build.

You moan when you can feel yourself heatedly aching for more. Her teeth graze your skin while she lowers herself for more access.

Your hands tangle in her short hair, her lips wrapping around your nipple while she thrusts into you harder.

With every pump, each movement you can feel yourself getting weaker. Her arm wraps around your waist to steady you while you crumble into her arms when your orgasm hits you hard.

You bite your lips to hold back a deep moan, your breath stuck in your throat while you collapse into her, grinding onto her fingers to keep that feeling just a few seconds longer.

“Fuck.” You mutter, leaning your forehead on her shoulder while you let out a small chuckle.

Her touches are gentle when she cups your chin to make you look at her. “We’re getting married.”

“I guess we are.” You smile.

“I’m marrying you.” she says again, as if she’s not really believing the words herself.

“Yes.”

“You’re going to be my wife.” Her blue eyes are watery and you’re not sure if she’s crying or if she dipped under water at some point because her hair is wet.

“And you’re going to be mine.”

“Yeah. We’re really doing this. I should buy you a ring.” Her eyes widen again in realisation. “I’m sorry I didn’t buy you a ring, baby.”

“Don’t be, Clarke.” You smile, holding her close. “I don’t need a ring to be engaged to you, okay?”

“Wow. You’re my fiancée.” She giggles happily.

“Yes, Clarke, I am.”

\\\

“Are you ready?” Raven hits you on the shoulder a bit rougher than she should.

“Oof, you spend too much time with the guys.” You scrunch up your face while you rub the painful spot.

“Sorry not sorry.” The Latina grins while she drops herself on the couch in your apartment, making herself at home as she always does.

Clarke told you in the beginning that her friends would invade your privacy. You knew this, it happened more often than it didn’t and you never minded.

You started minding when they walked in on you and Clarke having sex while Nate was at Jake and Abby’s or Marcus’ place.

Clarke never had the heart to ask the keys back and you don’t blame her for that since it comes in handy in case of emergency, but now Anya and Raven just barged in again.

Yes, they are going to take care of Nate while you and Clarke fly to the other side of the country to find your brother.

Yes, they are going to live here for the week, but they came in early just when you were showering.

It’s so typical Raven. You love the girl, but she can be a pain in the ass, probably even worse than Anya is.

But Raven adores you, Clarke and Nathan so much she comes by at least once a week just to play games with Nate.

You have no idea how Clarke does it, really. You have no idea how she manages to just make her friends come over all the time, unannounced. Even Octavia and Anya started showing up and it turned out that Clarke had made them some extra keys, too.

She just manages to let all your friends come over without even asking and it is adorable as much as it is annoying you.

“Sorry about that.” Anya shrugs, but a tiny smirk plays on her lips while she throws her girlfriends legs off the couch to sit down herself. Raven lies her legs in your best friends’ lap, making her groan in annoyance.

“You annoy me, Reyes.” Anya grumbles, but Raven only sinks further into the couch while turning on the TV.

You shake your head in amusement. You check once again if you have everything – your passport, wallet, money, tickets, keys, phone, charger.

“Clarke!” you call out. She’s somewhere in the bedroom, probably still packing something last minute.

If there’s one thing you’ve learned about her is that she can be quite chaotic. She never forgets anything, but she tends to be late with everything.

“Coming!” you can hear her call.

She moves downstairs with the largest suitcase you’ve ever seen, making you hide a laugh behind your hair.

Her cheeks are red, probably from rushing. Her hair is in a very tiny, messy bun at the nape of her neck and the clothes she’s wearing barely match, but it’s adorable anyway.

“Do you have everything?” you ask her, glancing around the house to find Nate, but he’s probably in his room.

“Yes. Passport.” She reaches in her pocket to pull it out. “Tickets. You have the keys?”

“Yes. Phone, charger?” you ask her.

“Yup.” She pops the ‘p’, smiling when she places the suitcase near the front door.

Raven and Anya don’t even bother saying hi, just focused on whatever is playing on the TV.

“Nate in his room?” you smile.

“Yes.” Clarke let’s out a breath, a playful look on her face when she leans in to steal a kiss.

“Gross!” Raven calls out without taking her eyes off the screen.

You roll your eyes, pulling Clarke in for a deeper kiss, not bothering to answer Raven’s curses.

You watch your fiancée grin when she pulls back. She winks, biting her bottom lip before disappearing upstairs again, probably to say goodbye to her foster son.

You follow her. You watch how she knocks on the door and Nate opens it, a gaming headset on and a grin on his face.

He takes the headset off, instantly leaping forward to give Clarke a big hug. She smiles widely, pressing a kiss on the top of his head, ruffling his short afro.

“I’m gonna miss you, nerd.” She mumbles.

You love how Nathan doesn’t even bother trying to fight her on the nickname. He never has. He never fights Clarke anyway, not even when she gets frustrated with him. He has the patience of a saint and you wonder if it’s guilt that stops him from lashing out. Guilt for being in Clarke’s life and taking up most of her time.

You know that Nate and Clarke have that in common – they both feel guilty for things they have no power over. Though it’s a beautiful thing, it’s completely unnecessary.

Perhaps Nate will get more resistant later, when he gets older.

You smile when Nate pulls back from Clarke to give you a hug. You do the same thing Clarke did – a kiss on top of his head and ruffling his hair playfully. He grins when he pulls back, high-fiving you.

“Take good care of Raven and Anya for me?” you hold out your pinky for him to take.

He takes pinky swears quite seriously and so do you. You watch Clarke shake her head in amusement from the corner of your eyes, but Nate takes it.

“Yes.”

“Good nerd.” You laugh, earning you a poke in the side from the boy. You squeal, trying to defend yourself when he walks closer with a mocking threatening expression on his face. “Mercy!”

He just snickers, giving Clarke a fist bump. His face then falls serious when he looks back up at you.

“Goodluck finding Gustus.” He seems sincere. “I hope it goes well.”

“Me, too. Thank you.” you give him one last kiss, before walking back downstairs to give your best friend a hug.

“Goodluck, kid.” Anya places a kiss on your cheek.

Ever since she’s been officially with Raven, she’s become more affectionate, even towards you.

Before, she has always been distant. Octavia was always the only one to be affectionate in your little friendgroup.

“Thank you.” you hold her tightly. Anya, the person you consider your sister, your family.

She’s always been there since you met her and you will always be grateful for her. She’s helped you through your rough times, when you couldn’t see the good things in life. When you wanted to end it, she was there.

You can feel the nerves running through your veins when you think about the fact that you are going out there to show up on the doorstep of your long lost brothers’ parents.

You cling onto her, squeezing your eyes closed while you find the courage to let her go and fly to North Carolina.

“You got this.” Anya smiles, her hazel eyes hopeful when she lets you pull back, her hands on your shoulders to give you a small squeeze.

“Yeah. Take good care of Nate, please?” you almost beg her. You know Anya is responsible, but Raven is an entire other story. “Or rather, make sure that Raven doesn’t overdo it.”

Anya just chuckles. “He’ll be fine. He made plans with Octavia, Lincoln, Aden and Ontari, too, so we’ll just… divide time.”

“Thank you.” you are grateful.

When you pull back completely, you watch how Clarke and Raven are wrapped up in a tight embrace.

When Raven pulls back, she pecks Clarke’s lips, making both you and Anya roll your eyes.

“Stop kissing my girl, Reyes.” You laugh.

“Stop kissing other girls, Reyes.” Anya nods, laughing when the Latina walks up to you to peck your lips, too.

“You’re so gross.” You scrunch up your nose in disgust, wiping off your mouth, trying to hide a laugh.

Raven is definitely a work of art.

“All jokes aside…” the dark-haired girl starts, her deep brown eyes focused on you. “Let us know how it goes over there.”

“I will.” You smile when she pulls you in a hug. You lean your chin on her shoulder, watching Clarke stand there with a tiny smile on her lips.

“Okay, we should really go.” Your fiancée speaks, checking the watch on her wrist.

You nod, pulling back. “Thanks again for watching Nate.”

“No problem.” Raven winks at you, before dropping herself back on the couch to make herself comfortable once again.

You shake your head, smiling to yourself when you grab your duffle bag and your suitcase.

You know you have everything.

“Bye, guys!”

\\\

The flight is long. Clarke has been asleep against your shoulder for two hours, drooling all over your shoulder but you let her.

You have your headphones on, watching a movie on your iPad. You arm is numb from Clarke’s weight and you are not focused on the movie at all.

There’s a man sitting on your other side. A man you’d rather not sit next to, but you offered to sit in the middle. You didn’t want Clarke to sit next to him.

He smells, he is thoroughly overweight and he has been snoring for over an ungodly hour now. You prefer Clarke’s drooling anytime.

You stare through the window outside, watching the clouds glide by.

You still have doubts.

You still wonder if this has been the right choice, to go and find your brother. You’re not sure if you can actually do it when you get there, it’s why you need Clarke.

You know that you’ll regret it if you don’t go, but these feelings… the confusion and the fear is just too overwhelming and you’re conflicted.

It’s just that you tried to put your past behind you. You tried to put your parent’s deaths behind you, the fact that they were about to divorce when they died.

You tried to move on from your broken childhood, the fact that you’ve been abused more times than you can count.

You remember telling Clarke. You remember how it was the first time that you ever spoken up about it. You’ve always pushed that part of your life away, wanting nothing more than to forget. Not that you ever could, though.

You never told anyone, because you have always been ashamed. You always thought that it was your fault, that you should’ve been stronger, that _you_ were the cause of all the pain in your life.

You can just see the memories flash in your mind. From the accident, you remember it clearly.

Your parents picked you up to tell you about their divorce and then they died. You remember seeing their faces, your fathers’ tears, your mothers’ anger. You don’t really remember your mother being pregnant, but then again – you barely remember a thing of how your life used to be before they died.

After that? You remember it all.

You remember being placed into a random home, as if the people from the foster care agency didn’t care and were just happy to get rid of you. They didn’t even let you go to the funeral. Hell, you didn’t even know where they were buried until you did some research when you were thirteen.

You remember being placed in so many foster homes that you lost count at some point. You remember how you ended up at that one home that seemed nice at the start.

** You remember opening up to your foster father, an older man. He had been… kind to you. He never neglected you, never made you feel unwelcome.

You started trusting him.

You started trusting him and that was the biggest mistake you ever made in your life, you know this.

He started touching you and you let him. He told you it was completely normal and you let him touch you.

He made you touch him, too.

You close your eyes when you can’t wipe out the memory.

You bite your bottom lip so hard, that it’s starting to bleed, but you don’t really care. Your breath is ragged and you can feel the panic rise in your chest.

It’s been so long since you’ve thought about it. It’s been so long, that you forgot how much it does to you when you _do_ think about it.

The moment you feel a soft hand on your thigh, you flinch.

You open your eyes, only to find Clarke looking at you with shock in her eyes.

You’ve _never_ flinched from her touches before.

You look at her, on the brink of crying. You hate allowing yourself to feel this, but you’re facing your past. You have to, because you know you never fully did.

The way she pulled back from you makes you feel cold instantly. You take off your headphones while you send her a look, that she will hopefully receive as a silent apology.

The man beside you is still asleep when you glance at him.

More people around you are asleep and you’re grateful for it when you lean into her, your face nuzzling in her neck.

Her arms are instantly around you and you know you don’t have to use words for her to understand.

“You’ve never flinched before.” She murmurs so softly that you’re sure nobody else can hear.

Your answer is simply pressing your lips against the soft skin in her neck.

She knows. She knows the details. She knows what you went through. You had the courage to tell her the details not even all too long ago. She had been on the brink of crying the entire time and she looked afraid to touch you.

But when she touched you, she pulled you into that type of embrace that just makes you feel safe. That kind of hug that only Clarke can provide.

A hug that tells you that everything will be okay, the same kind of hug she’s subtly trying to give you now.

“I’m sorry.” You manage to choke out, but her grip only tightens. You don’t know why you feel like such an emotional mess all the sudden.

Perhaps it’s the stress wanting to leave your body through your emotions. You have no fucking clue.

You lean against her, feeling quite tired if you’re being honest with yourself. You let yourself be comforted by Clarke, leaning against her heavily when you start to feel your eyelids droop.

You dream about it. It’s quite vividly, actually. You dream about your parents, about your brother.

You dream about your childhood and you’re not sure if that’s a good thing or not. You dream about the foster homes, as if you’re just reliving everything.

It goes quickly, really. Something wakes you up. You’re shaking.

Why are you shaking?

“Just turbulence.” Clarke murmurs against your forehead. “We’re going to land.”

“Already?” you rub your eyes, grateful that you didn’t put on any make-up.

You sit back up, watching how the man right next to you has been staring at you the entire time with a judging look on his face.

You send him a glare, but he doesn’t seem intimidated by it.

“Friggin dykes.” He mutters under his breath.

Clarke nearly _flies_ out of her chair, but you push her down. You hold her while you fake a smile at the man.

“Such a pleasure to meet someone like you.” you snarl.

“Whatever.” He groans. You are disgusted by him. Not just because he looks incredibly untended, but the scent lingering around him nauseates you and he is absolutely the type of person you wouldn’t hesitate to beat up.

Not that you ever would, you’re not violent. But he just manages to crawl under your skin with the way he looks at you and Clarke.

You want to say more, but Clarke tugs on the sleeve of your vest. She smiles at you quietly, an amused look in her blue eyes.

She leans in to press a kiss against your lips, smacking louder than necessary and you know she does it on purpose.

The plane starts to descend and you know you’re about to land. You just look at the woman next to you instead of focusing on the asshole on your other side.

You lean against her while the plane lowers itself on the ground with force, her hand in yours.

People instantly stand from their seats to grab their things, but you and Clarke remain seated.

The man next to you grumbles something under his breath while the plane taxies to the gate.

You internally roll your eyes at him. When the plane connects to the gate, people leave the plane messily.

Clarke manages to push herself between some people to grab your bags. She offers for you to slide in front of her, your body pressed against hers, her arm protectively around your waist, hand resting on your stomach.

“May I kindly advise you to shower before your next flight? Also, it’s the twenty-first century. Homophobes are not really accepted these days. Goodluck struggling out of that chair. Goodbye, sir.” Clarke smiles sweetly before pushing you down the aisle, earning her a few chuckles from the people following you.

You can’t hold back a giggle while you escape into the airport with Clarke taking you to the baggage belt.

You wrap your arms around her waist from behind as you wait for your suitcases.

“I hate homophobes.” She sighs.

“I know you do.” You laugh, before moving to stand right beside her.

You can see the man appearing as he sits down in one of the seats, already munching on chocolate. He disgusts you.

He clearly knows where you are, his gaze sometimes meeting yours.

You snake a protective arm around Clarke’s shoulders, hers around your waist.

“This is nice.” You press a kiss against her cheek when you realise that this is the very first time that you’re taking a trip with her alone.

“We’ve never done something like this before.” She too, realises it with a smug smile. “Don’t they say that spending a trip together is the ultimate relationship test?”

“Isn’t moving in together _the_ test?” you think deeply, but grin when you peck her lips.

Her smile is subtle. You can tell that she worries. You want to ask about it, but it just doesn’t feel right to do it here.

Perhaps it’s better to wait until you arrive at your hotel.

“You know you can get rid of the vest, right? It’s just as warm here as it is in LA right now.” She tugs on the fabric of your sweater.

“Hm, later. Not a fan of air conditioning on airports.” You finally spot your suitcases, instantly moving to grab them from the belt before Clarke has a chance to.

You swing your duffle bag on your back, grabbing your suitcase in one hand, Clarke’s hand in the other.

“I’ve never been here before.” You smile when you make your way through the airport to the car rental.

It takes way too long to finally get the car you reserved. Clarke drives to the hotel that you booked, just downtown.

You have no idea why you feel the constant need to touch her, but you just do. Your hand on her thigh, your fingers lacing together. Subtle stares exchanged in that relaxed way you love so much.

Sometimes you just don’t need words to enjoy her company.

You never part from her, not even when you announce your presence at the hotel receptionist. Your arm is always around her.

It takes the receptionist about fifteen minutes to arrange everything, which annoys you because you’re tired of traveling.

You just want to go to your room and order room service. You want to lie on the bed and cuddle with Clarke.

You get cranky at the receptionist when he stumbles over his words after you sent him a glare.

You can hear Clarke’s amused huff next to you when you snatch the hotel keycard from the guy’s hands, already pulling Clarke into the direction of the elevator since your room is on the tenth floor.

“What’s the rush?” she giggles like a school girl when you step into an empty elevator.

Your only answer is a searing kiss as you pin her against the wall with ease. She chuckles into you, her hands opening the zipper of your vest. Her hands slide underneath the top you wear, grazing your skin while you feel her tongue in your mouth already.

“Hm.” You smirk against her lips, pressing your leg between hers. “I missed being alone _alone_.”

“Me, too.” She breathes, her hands resting on your hips while she pulls you closer, giving a subtle grind onto your leg.

The moment the elevator _dings_ , you can feel her push you away towards the doors as you arrive on your floor.

You move the suitcases, trying to steal more kisses but it almost makes you end up on the floor as you stumble over your feet.

She lets out a laugh that sounds like music to your ears. You giggle like a little girl when you try to find your room number.

You tumble inside when you swipe the card, feeling Clarke’s suitcase pressed into your ass as she pushes you into the room.

You laugh loudly while you try to balance yourself, but her arms wrap around your waist and you stand.

You don’t expect her to pin you against the now closed door with a loud thud, her pupils suddenly dilated.

The way she looks at you alone is enough to send a rushing heat through your body.

You roughly pull her in to crash your lips against hers, your tongue fighting it’s way into her mouth as you lock your bodies together.

She’s just as hungry as you are when she starts tugging on your jeans.

“Eager.” You grin against her mouth, panting heavily with want. When you open your eyes, you watch how the blue of her eyes disappeared, her look seductive as you let her drag down the fabric of your jeans.

Before you know it, she’s pressed back up against you again, her lips sucking their way up your neck. It tickles as much as it sends shivers down your spine. You hold her close when you start grinding into her, but you need more.

You need her to take off her clothes, too. You push her away just enough to reach for her jeans, making her take it off.

You lift her shirt up, sliding it over her head. You lean in to crash your parted lips against hers, your teeth clashing but you don’t really care.

You’re longing for her. She wants to push you back against the door, but you are stronger than she is. You shuffle her to the bed, your mouth never leaving hers.

She takes off your vest completely, lifting the tank top from your torso.

You unclasp her bra with ease, your hand remaining between her shoulder blades to support her when you lie her down on the bed, crawling on top of her.

You love the way she holds you, you love how she takes the time to look at you for a moment.

“You’re beautiful.” She mumbles, before placing her hand in your neck to pull you down on top of her.

You get rid of whatever clothing you have left.

You feel her soft body against your own and someone it never tires you. Somehow, you can never get enough of the feeling of her against you.

You moan into the kiss, your tongue dancing with hers while you trace her sides with your fingertips.

You start kissing your way down, eagerly taking a nipple in your mouth while you cup her core with your palm. She instantly bucks into you for more friction, but you don’t do much.

She whimpers when you sink your teeth in her soft flesh, before moving further south. You leave kisses and marks everywhere, sucking and nibbling on her pale skin, on her stomach, her hipbones.

It’s only now that you slightly notice that she might have lost some weight, with the way her hipbones stick out further than usual. You worry, but you want to make her feel good. You make a mental note to ask her about it later.

You just press soft kisses everywhere, loving how she moves against you.

Her thighs. God, you love her thighs. She squirms underneath you by the time you press a few soft kisses against her groin, her hands in your hair, trying to guide you where she needs you the most.

“So needy.” You smile, already smelling her arousal. You finally give her what she wants when your tongue works its way down to find her throbbing clit.

She is so fucking wet already, it’s just ridiculous. You moan against her when you taste how turned on she is.

“Fuck, Lexa.” She breathes, her hips bucking into you, but you hold her down with one arm, while your free hand moves to slip a few fingers inside her.

You love how she feels. You love how her walls already close in around you, how she’s _dripping_ for you.

You suck on her clit, taking it between your teeth before sliding your tongue up and down her folds.

“More.” She pants, writhing under your grip and it’s hard to keep her still by now.

You add another finger while you start to thrust into her gently, not wanting to send her over that edge just yet. You know she comes harder when you build it up slowly and that is all you really want.

You tease her around her clit with your tongue, slowly starting to curl your fingers inside of her to hit that spot that usually sends her to her highest point.

But you don’t press too hard, you just pump softly.

“Fucking hell.” Her voice is low and sexy as she desperately tries to find more. “Fuck me, Lexa. _Hard_.”

You listen. You grin against her while you suddenly twirl your tongue around her clit, feeling her drip even more the moment you start pumping into her rougher.

You can feel her getting to her high. You know the exact moment that she comes undone. Her back arches off the bed, she moans your name repeatedly and you can feel her tremble in your arms when you draw out her orgasm for as long as you can.

“Fuck.” She breathes, softly pulling on your hair to guide you back up, but you take all the time in the world to worship her body.

You kiss her, you caress her, you enjoy feeling her against you. You enjoy the soft gasps that escape her lips whenever your lips hit a sensitive spot. You love how her hands are still in your hair, gently scratching your scalp while she recovers from her orgasm.

You press your leg between hers when you are finally back up, your lips attached to the skin in her neck. She smells so fucking good. She smells like vanilla mixed with lavender, that typical scent she’s had from the start.

You smile into her neck when you feel her arms wrap around you.

“What was that for?” she breathes, probably referring to the way you started kissing her greedily in the elevator.

“I need you, Clarke.” You simply say, lying on top of her while her arms are safely around you. Even her leg wraps around your hip to press you closer against her naked body.

You know she wants to say more, but you kiss her before she can. You just need to feel her for a moment and she seems to understand when she kisses you back. It’s lazy and you sink into it.

You pull back for a moment, only to admire how beautiful she is. Her blue eyes look at you, her blonde hair draped around her head angelically. Her subtle smile is the smile you love the most, honestly.

It’s adorable the way her nose scrunches up whenever she smiles. She’s just beautiful and you don’t tell her enough.

“You’re stunning.” You nudge your nose against hers, letting out a shaky breath when you kiss her again.

“Why are you crying?” she murmurs, her hands on your cheeks while she makes you look at her.

You didn’t even know you were. You shrug with a shaky smile, not sure why you feel so emotionally loaded.

It’s the stress for this trip, probably. It’s the realisation that you’re marrying her sometime soon. It’s just the fear of it all, the fear of the unknown, but knowing you’ll be safe with her, no matter what happens.

“Lexa.” She softly encourages you to speak.

“Nothing, I just…” you sniff a few times, the tears escaping your eyes. Your nose itches and you hate that you can’t control your feelings. You sigh deeply when you nuzzle your face in her neck once again, not even caring that you’re starting to get cold without the blanket on top of you.

She just holds you while you try to hold back your sobs.

“Is it because you realise you’re marrying an old lady?” she tries to joke.

“You’re not old, Clarke.” You laugh softly, rolling your eyes at her. She’s just a year older than you are. “Thirty really does you well. You’re fucking gorgeous.”

“You’re only saying that because you have to.” She chuckles. “Come on, let’s get under the blankets. As much as I love having you on top of me, it’s still cold.”

“Freaking air conditioning.” You mutter, sitting up to climb under the blankets with her. You lie on your right side.

You sigh in relief when you feel her against you, her bare front pressed against your back.

You can feel her hands roam over your body and you just close your eyes, feeling only her.

“Do you want me to return the favour?” She husks in your ear before pulling your lobe with her teeth softly.

You instantly gasp for air, feeling how goosebumps spread all over your skin.

You don’t have to answer. You feel her lips on your shoulder, her hand sliding up and down your side, further down to your ass.

She gives it a squeeze and you instantly pull up a leg to give her access to where you need her the most.

She leaves a trail of kisses on your spine while her fingers move to your centre, sliding through your folds expertly.

You moan at the contact. You feel her push you on your stomach. You oblige when you lie down, but the way she starts tugging on your hips tells you she wants you on your knees.

You love this position and she knows it. You love it when she fucks you from behind. You can feel her teeth grazing your back as she leans forward, her hand sliding down your side, to your stomach to cup your breast.

You hollow your back when you feel her fingers slide into you. Pleasure instantly builds and you moan, pressing your face into a pillow in a failed attempt to stay quiet.

She still hovers over you while her free hand slides to massage your clit. A deadly combination.

You can’t stop moaning when you buck your hips into her, feeling how with each thrust the feeling grows. Feeling her fingers curl makes you see stars.

She pumps harder and rougher and you know you won’t last much longer.

“ _Oh_.” A high-pitched moan escapes your lips but you don’t care. You reach behind you and you’re met with her hand. You hold onto her while she fucks you hard, until you finally come undone and you collapse into the mattress.

You try to catch your breath. You smile when you feel her lips on your lower back, her fingertips higher, probably tracing your tattoo, something she often does.

Her lips follow, kissing every spot on your back.

You turn around, though, opening your arms for her to fall into you.

“Wanna order room service?” your stomach rumbles.

“Hmm, yes.” She grins, sliding out of bed to grab the two white hotel robes. She just has a thing for robes and you love it.

You put it on as you sit with your back against the headboard of the bed, grabbing the menu that stands on your nightstand. You run a hand through your rough sex curls.

“So are you going to talk to me about the way you flinched from me?” she starts softly, leaning against you while you absentmindedly slide your arm around her shoulder to hold her closer.

“I was just… I was just thinking about _it_.” You mumble.

“You don’t think about it often, do you?” she presses a kiss against your jaw and you lean into it, your eyes fluttering closed.

“No. I don’t want to.”

“Okay.” She just says. She doesn’t push you to talk about it. She doesn’t ask further about that topic, she just lets you decide and it’s perfect. “I hate to ask, but… how are you feeling, Lexa? About this trip? Are you still okay with it?”

You smile when you glance down on her, her blue eyes big and worried. You cup her cheek, leaning in for a brief kiss.

“I have a lot of feelings I can’t really identify.” You admit quietly.

“Yeah, you’ve been wrapped up in your head the past days.” She snuggles further into you.

“Sorry about that. I just… I don’t know how to feel.”

“That’s okay, babe. It’s a big deal.” She looks up at you and right now it’s the first time that you notice the bags underneath her eyes.

You’ve been so busy with your own feelings that you forgot to ask about hers.

“You’re tired.” You state. It’s not a question.

She just nods, taking the menu from your hand. “Let’s order junk food.”

She’s always been good at avoiding the subject she doesn’t want to talk about.

You snatch back the piece of plastic-sealed paper. “ _Clarke_. You’ve lost weight, too.”

“I’m fine, Lexa. This week is about you.” she insists with a weak smile.

“Clarke, you can talk to me.” You murmur, pulling her closer. You have no idea how she’s been doing the past three weeks, if you’re being honest with yourself.

“Well…” she starts, but she stops and you know she doesn’t want to talk about it.

“Clarke… talk to me.” You softly urge her. You know she’s feeling guilty. You know she wants to focus on you, but you’re in a relationship with her. It goes two ways.

“Fine.” She grumbles something under her breath. “Nate’s mother is back.”

“What?” you widen your eyes. “When?”

“Two weeks ago.” She slouches into you.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” you already know the answer.

“You know _why_ , Lexa.”

You make her look at you. “Clarke, just because I’m going through something intense doesn’t mean that you should keep something like that to yourself. I would’ve liked to know sooner.”

“I know.” She sighs. “Can we please order food and then talk? I’m starving.”

You don’t really speak, taking another look at the menu, already knowing you’re just going for the burger with fries.

She wants the same thing so you call to the reception downstairs to order.

They tell you it will be about half an hour. You slide out of the bed, looking outside into the darkness.

“So different from LA.” She mumbles when she stands next to you in her robe, her arms wrapped around herself.

“Clarke.” You turn to her, tucking her against you in a tight hug. “What is going to happen now?”

“With Nate?” her voice trembles.

“Yes.”

“I don’t know.”

You can hear the vulnerability in her voice. You hold her tightly.

“Could she… take him back?”

“Legally speaking, yeah.”

“You want to tell me what happened?” you still don’t know the story.

She guides you back to the bed. She pushes you to sit back against the headboard and falls between your legs, her back against your front.

You hold her tightly and she clings onto you just as much.

“She just showed up. I don’t know where or how, but somehow she knew that she had to be at our office. She spoke to Lincoln.”

“Does she _want_ him back?”

“She wants to see him.” She admits quietly. “I don’t know if she would really take him back, I haven’t seen her yet.”

You’re starting to feel a little frustrated. Frustrated that she didn’t tell you – as if you don’t care about Nate, too.

“Clarke.” You grumble. “Why did you hide this from me? Don’t give me the crap of that I have been going through a rough time in the situation with my brother.”

She can feel the anger in your voice, making her pull back from you as if she touched fire.

“I didn’t want to worry you.” she purses her lips while she moves to sit on the edge of the bed.

“I care about Nathan, too, you know.” Your voice lowers once again.

“I know! I just… I didn’t know what to do, okay?” she seems just as frustrated as you are and you hate that you want to fight her.

“We’re together.” You say, as if that explains everything. In a way, it does.

You always tell her everything. You are open about yourself, even though it may hurt. You answer her questions and if there was ever a problem in the past, you told her.

You came to her.

She never comes to you and you can’t deny the fact that it hurts. After almost two years of being together, she still doesn’t know how to come to you, not always.

As if she can’t get used to being with you. As if she doesn’t know how to share things.

You can feel the fight drain from your veins.

“Come here.” You shuffle closer. “We are in this together, okay? I know that… I know that you didn’t want to worry me and I know you have a tendency to fix everything on your own, but you don’t _have_ to.”

When she doesn’t speak or move, you continue. “I’m not saying you have to share every thought with me. I’m just saying that… something important like Nate… it involves me, too.”

“I know.” She looks defeated.

“Then why didn’t you come to me, Clarke?” your voice is soft. “Why do you feel the need to hide things from me when it concerns me, too? Why do you feel the need to do that on your own while doing it together makes it easier?”

“Because you’re already going through so much, Lexa!” she rises from the bed, her hands pointlessly floating in the air with frustration.

“Don’t you think it’s unfair when you keep things like that from me?” you just ask bluntly.

She purses her lips again, her nostrils flaring. You’re not angry with her, you just want her to trust you.

“Is it that you don’t trust me?”

“Of course I trust you, Lexa.” Her eyes finally meet yours. “I just… I’m sorry, okay? I just…”

“You don’t have to bear things on your own, Clarke.” You smile at her, trying to remind her that she’s not alone. “You don’t have to do things alone just because I’ve had a rough life.”

“That’s not…” she doesn’t finish. You know you’re hitting the right spot.

“Clarke.” You raise an amused eyebrow. “I love you. You’re going to be my wife. Just… please talk to me next time something like this happens, okay? I _need_ to know.”

You can tell by the drop of her shoulders that she knows you’re right. You don’t fight with her often and you’re not sure if this counts as a fight, but you know _her_.

In that moment, there's a knock on the door. You silently open the door, grab the food and close it again without speaking or giving the boy a tip. You place the food on the bed, only to focus back on Clarke while you sit on the bed.

“Come here.” You say again, but she doesn’t move. You roll your eyes. “Are you giving me the silent treatment now?”

“I just don’t want to admit that you’re right.” she growls, but she huffs when she looks back at you.

You chuckle. “I know. Come’re. Let me love you.”

“Fine.” She mutters as if she doesn’t want you to, but you can tell by the subtle sparkle in her eyes that she does. She falls into you.

“One hell of a summer.” You murmur against the top of her head as she lies on top of you.

“And it hasn’t even finished yet.” She sighs.

“Just please, don’t forget that I’m not fragile, okay?” you remind her. “Remember that you are not alone.”

“I’ll try.” She huffs again, but her hands clutch onto the fabric of your robe. You know she’s just as emotional as you are.

“You’re really worried that they’re taking Nate away, aren’t you?” you can feel the realisation dawn upon you.

“Yeah.”

You worry, too, but it’s something for later. It’s not like you can solve that problem now.

“Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

“Could you… try and tell me stuff like that from now on?” you don’t want to bring up the subject of Clarke not communicating, but you just… you’re hurt because of it.

“Yeah.” She looks up, pressing a soft kiss against your chin. “I’m sorry about it. It’s just that it’s been a really rough time.”

“Would you have told me about Nate this week if I hadn’t asked?” you tighten your grip around her.

“No.” she shakes her head in all honesty.

You just sigh. “As much as I love you, you do frustrate me sometimes.”

“I know.” She pouts in a way that tells you she’s about to cry. “I just don’t really…”

“…share?”

“…know how to tell you things that bother me so much.” She smiles at you.

“Is there something else I should know about?” you quirk a brow. “Because now I don’t know if you’re keeping more things from me.”

“You make me sound like a horrible person.” She’s ready to pull back from you, but you won’t let her. “But no, there’s nothing else. I just… What if they’re going to take Nate away?”

“Clarke, come here. We will figure this out together, okay?” you press your lips against her temple when you hold her close.

She turns in your arms, softly sobbing into your neck.

“I love him, Lexa.” She confesses quietly. “I just… I feel horrible for not wanting his real mother to take him back. I feel horrible because I’m being selfish about it and his mother has every right to take him back if she wanted to.”

“Clarke.” You smile. “You’re everything but selfish. You want to keep him because you want to make sure that he will be okay. You want to take care of him so that you know he is doing well. I _know_ you, Clarke. You’re not selfish for wanting to keep taking care of him.”

“It feels like it.” She pulls back lightly, her eyes red and teary, the colour of her irises bluer than you’ve ever seen. “I just… I wanted to adopt him, Lexa. I wanted to adopt him together, with you, so that we could be a family.”

“We _are_ a family.” You raise your eyebrows, your heart warming when she says the words. “Nate will always be family. But Clarke, we cannot worry about something that isn’t in our control.”

She scoffs shortly. “Just like the way you aren’t worrying about your brother?”

“Touche.” You smile, pushing some hair out of her face. She sighs deeply, moving away from the bed to stand back in front of the window.

You know she needs to think. She always finds something to look at when she needs to think.

She stares out into the dark city, her eyes tracing a handful of skyscrapers.

You let her, for a few minutes. Then, you stand next to her, softly making her turn towards you.

“Clarke. Look at me.”

When her teary eyes find yours, you swallow away the lump in your throat. “I.” you point at yourself.

“Love.” You draw a heart in the air when you pull back slightly.

“You.” You softly press your finger to her chest to point at her.

The tiny smile on her lips is worth it.

“I _love_ you.” you grin. “ _I_ love you, Clarke. I love _you_.”

“I hear you.” she huffs in amusement, trying to dry her tears.

“Good. Because what I am about to tell you next is really, really important, okay?” you smile.

“Okay.” She nods very seriously, her hands softly leaning on your hips.

“I love you. I want you to be happy. I want you to have it all, I want you to have the world. I want to be able to give you everything, because that’s what you deserve. I know that you’re scared and I know that you don’t want me to worry about the things that go on in that brain of yours, I know that you want to protect me from certain… thoughts and concerns, but I am not fragile. I’m a grown woman, I love you and whether you like it or not – we are spending the rest of our lives together, because you asked me to. I love you, I love Nate and I will do everything that I can to make sure that he will remain our family. I love you. I want you to talk to me, Clarke, because nothing could ever scare me away from someone as amazing as you. Despite the fact you can be a pain in my arse, I really, really fucking love you and I just… I wish you’d let me. Not partly, just… completely.” You ramble.

You didn’t take one single breath in between. You gasp for air, needing it desperately.

You stick up your index finger, giving her the silent sign to tell her to wait.

You spin on your heels, ruffling in your bag, until you find that one tiny box.

Her breath hitches in her throat and her eyes grow wide.

“This is not how I imagined asking, Clarke.” You wipe away a tear from your cheek as you drop yourself on one knee. “I know you’re scared. I am, too. I’m terrified that for some reason, we might not be together in the end. That we might not be perfect for each other after all, which is nonsense because everyone who sees us together just tells me that… we are the perfect couple. In a way, we are. I think we are. I think you’re my soulmate and yes, you may roll your eyes at that sappiness, but it’s true. You’ve always understood me in a way nobody could, Clarke. You’ve always accepted me for the way I am, not judging me, simply being there for me when things got rough. You’ve always done what you thought was best even though it might not always have been, like not telling me important things like you did.”

You remember to breathe. You watch her stand there, not moving at all.

“That day you asked me to marry you… I had just found the courage to ask your parents for your hand. They told me that…” you start sobbing now, wobbling on your one knee. She immediately rushes to prevent you from tumbling over, helping you up, but you fall back on one knee, even though it’s uncomfortable as fuck.

“I have to get this off my chest, Clarke. Your parents told me that they’ve never seen you happier than when you were with me. It was all the confirmation I needed, really. I just want to make you happy, Clarke. I want to make you feel worthy and I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to prove that to you. I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that I love you and that you are just… I don’t know. I don’t even have the words to express what you mean to me, Clarke. I just… let’s be scared together? Let’s fight together?” you hold up the box in your hands.

She’s actively crying, now.

“Why are you crying? Did I hurt you? Did I say the wrong thing?” you worry. You throw the box on the bed, not even having bothered to open it at all.

She steadies herself by grabbing your forearms. She sobs in a way you’ve never seen her before and it scares you just as much as it hurts you.

She falls into your arms, crying her entire heart out as she clings onto you. She fists the fabric of your robe in her fingers with a force so roughly, you almost fall over.

“Clarke?” you try to hold back your own tears. “Clarke, please.”

“You’re an idiot.” She laughs through her tears. “Lexa, I am so sorry that I am the way I am.”

“Stop apologizing, you do that way too often.” You shake your head. You don’t often use names, but now you want to. “ _Baby_ , please. Please, you’re _you_ , okay? You’re my world. You’re my everything and I… I thought that I meant the same thing to you.”

“You do!” she instantly crashes her lips on yours. “God, you do, Lexa.”

More sobs escape her throat as she holds you. “You’re my world, too. I want to marry you. I want to stop being so afraid and just trust you and I want to share. I love you, _I love you_.”

You almost fall to the floor while you try to hold her up. “Where is this coming from? I’ve never seen you like this before.”

“Try bottling those fears up for two years.” She sobs.

You sigh, pressing your lips against her temple as she tries to stop her cries.

“I wish I had the words, Lexa.” She shakes her head, nuzzling her face in your neck. “I wish had the words to say what you mean to me. I don’t, okay? And the reason I didn’t tell you about my worries is because I didn’t want to cause unnecessary pain.”

“You wouldn’t.” you shake your head. “If you would’ve told me what you just did we could’ve thought of something together. We would’ve had each other to hold onto. We will fight for him, okay? Together.”

“I can’t live without you.” she murmurs then, her eyes so fucking blue and exposed when she looks into yours. “I just… the thought of being without you suffocates me.”

“Then don’t think about it.” You smile.

“Why are you being so perfect?”

“I’m not perfect.” You scoff. “I’m just a woman who’s hopelessly in love with you.”

She smiles at that. You cup her face once again, your thumbs wiping away the tears, your eyes flickering between hers.

“Just talk to me from now on?” you smile, feeling her nod. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She seems to calm down.

You know she’s about to apologize again, so you just press your indexfinger against her lips.

“Shh. You hear that?” you glance around the room like a goofy idiot. “Oh, wait, it’s the box calling me.”

You move quickly to grab the tiny box from the bed. You feel like the flash when you stand back in front of her within a second.

You tuck it up, holding it so close to her face that she huffs, smiling when she rolls her eyes.

You click open the top, almost hitting her nose while doing so.

“Fuck, how does this even work?” you struggle with turning the little box around to present her the ring, your gaze focused on her face. “Do you like it?”

You watch her eyes cross as she looks at the content of the box not an inch away from her face. She huffs again, her fingers wrapping around your wrists to push it further away so she can properly look at it.

“It’s… empty?”

“What?” you snatch the box away to look at yourself. It is empty. “No, no, nooo.”

“Lexa.” She sounds amused.

“Noo, where the fuck is it?” you panic, starting to go through your things. “It can’t be gone, it was there a moment ago, I checked, I saw it with my own eyes. It should be here! God, why can’t it just go smoothly?”

“Lexa!” her voice instantly makes you stop moving.

You turn to face her.

“We’ll look for it together, okay?” she smiles, but you shake your head.

“This is the worst proposal ever.” You just start crying again. God, how on earth did you end up here?

How on earth did you end up making love to her, then fighting her, then you proposing to her without a ring? _How_?

Is it some sick joke from the universe? Telling you that you can’t marry her? Is it a sign?

“I just… I made it myself.” You cry. You bury your face in your hands, ashamed about it all, ashamed that you’re crying so uncontrollably, ashamed that you yelled at Clarke and that you feel like an idiot for ruining the entire trip.

“I wanted to give you something special because _you_ are special, too. I went to this fucking dude who made jewellery himself and I asked him to teach me and he gave me a course and he made me choose the stone, which was very special because he crafted it himself and it was the colour of your eyes and I just wanted to make you feel like… like… I don’t know. I wanted you to know that you are just… I can’t find the fucking words!”

“ _Lexa_.” She’s crying again. She’s crying and you’re crying and your heart is aching and hurting and so filled with love for her that you can’t breathe. “Lexa, baby, look at me.”

You do. You meet her tear-stained blue eyes. “You… I… I don’t think I have the words, either. You don’t need a ring to make me feel special, Lexa, because you make me feel special every fucking day. You love me every fucking day and I want you to for the rest of our lives, okay? I don’t need a ring for you to prove that to me.”

“But I made it for you.” you sob, like a child.

“And that is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me. It’s so precious. You’re precious.” She breathes. “Let’s elope.”

“Huh?” your sobs stop instantly while you gape at her like a moron.

“Yeah.” She smiles so brightly that you are too stunned to speak. “Let’s get married. Tomorrow.”

“Clarke.” You warn her. “Your parents are going to kill you.”

She lets out a snort. “I want us to marry _tomorrow_ and you’re worried about my parents?”

“Are you sure?” you are hesitant. You would do it in a heartbeat. You know this.

You’d drag her down city hall right now to get married, but it’s probably closed.

“Lexa, I don’t think I have ever been so sure about anything in my life. I just… I want to prove to you that I mean it when I say I love you. I want to marry you, because I am hopelessly in love with you, too.” She grins. She grins and she holds you and she just cried but she’s smiling so happily that you just… you can’t think.

Your brain is a mess.

“But you’re impulsive. Aren’t you going to regret it?” your eyes are wide and you can barely speak.

She snorts again. “I don’t think I could ever regret marrying _you_. How about we go to sleep and if I still want to do it in the morning we go? If you want to? Do you? Do you want to elope with me?”

“I’ve been wanting to marry you the moment I first saw you, Clarke.” You admit to her, quietly. “So, yeah.”

Her eyes widen in surprise, but a smile takes it over.

“Yeah?”

You are finally calming down. You are finally starting to feel like yourself again.

“Wait.” You shake your head. “How is this… can we? With Nate? If his mother doesn’t want him back? How does that even work? Can we even apply for marriage in another state?”

“Lexa.” She lets out an amused sound while she tucks you close. “Lex, babe.”

“Hmm?” you focus back on her.

“It wouldn’t make a difference for Nate, legally speaking, okay? It’d only make a difference on paper and if we were ever to adopt him.” she smiles. “And we will see tomorrow if we can get legally married, otherwise I will just buy you a ring of candy and we’ll marry on the beach or something.”

“There is no beach in Charlotte.” You shake your head.

“Can you stop being logical?” she laughs. “The beach only three hours away from here. Oh, and there is a like up north which isn’t too far away from here. Anyway, are you trying to get out of this?”

“Never.” You smile.

“Good.”

“Let’s get married.”

“Let’s find your brother, too.” She smiles.

“And let’s find a way to keep Nate. See, Clarke? We’ve got nothing to worry about.” You smile.

“I love you, Lexa. I fucking love you so much.”

Your only answer is holding her close, dropping yourself on the bed with her on top of you, only to realise you’ve dropped yourself on the forgotten food.

“No.” you groan, pushing Clarke off to roll away.

Clarke’s bright laughter is what gets you laughing, too.

You laugh, until you cry and then you laugh again.

And in that moment, you know that everything will be okay.

\\\

You’ve decided to go to your brother tomorrow. Clarke has already found the address where his parents live and all you have to do is go up there and knock on the door.

Tomorrow.

Today is about you and Clarke. Today you will prove to her what she means to you.

Today is the day your life truly begins.

Or at least, you hope so. You are sitting in the Charlotte City Hall, anxiously squeezing Clarke’s hand that is resting in your lap.

She seems really calm about it all, but you feel the need to jump up and down, to scream it from the rooftops.

You’ve applied to get a marriage licence and now you are waiting to see if they have time to marry you today.

And you’re wearing a freaking t-shirt. You are worried that it’s not enough.

“Lexa.” Clarke sounds amused. “Will you relax? You’re making me nervous.”

“Clarke, I am wearing a t-shirt. I am about to marry you wearing a _t-shirt_.” You say hurriedly.

“I am wearing a t-shirt, too.” Her eyes sparkle in amusement.

“True.” You push your glasses further up your nose. “Are we buying rings today?”

“If we want to.” She smiles.

It calms you, for some reason. You’ve been barely able to sleep last night and she didn’t get much sleep either.

You spent about all night talking and making love and talking more. And Clarke’s been talking.

A lot.

She’s opened up about her fears, about why she is the way she is and you don’t think you’ve ever heard all that before, not like this. Even though you knew, it felt different when she told you about it.

She admitted that a part of her always held back. That a part of her has always been scared about what you thought but after last nights outbursts and events she just couldn’t keep it to herself anymore.

Despite all its disasters, last night was perfect.

It proved to you that no matter how perfect you and Clarke are for each other, that there will always be things in the way. It proved that despite those things getting in the way – you’ll survive.

Together.

Just like now, when you watch someone walking up to you.

“Clarke Griffin and Lexa Woods?” the woman seems bored, but you jump up in anticipation, hearing Clarke’s small chuckle behind you.

“Yes.” You nod heavily, feeling Clarke’s arm wrap around your waist.

“You want to get married.” The woman states.

“Yes.” You and Clarke speak in unison.

“Are you sure?” she eyes you curiously and you eye her back, only a bit… suspiciously.

“Yeah?”

“Follow me.” She motions for you to come with her, so you do.

“Would I be Lexa Griffin? Griffin-Woods? Clarke Woods?” you suddenly wonder aloud.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you more confused than last night and today.” Clarke smiles.

“I’m not confused.” You walk with her tucked close. “I’m energetic.”

“Okay.”

“Aren’t you? I mean, we’re getting _married_. Anyway, what are we going to do about those last names?” you practically bounce.

“What do you want?” she smiles.

You take a moment to think about it, to take it all in. “I think… I want to be Lexa Griffin. No that sounds weird. Lexa Woods-Griffin?”

“You’re a dork.” She laughs heartedly. “I’d be honoured to be Clarke Woods, though.”

“Really?” you melt.

“Yes.”

“Don’t do it, though.” You shake your head. She looks at you with curious blue eyes. “Don’t… take my last name. I… I am not sure if it’s worth it.”

“Why wouldn’t it be? It’s your name, Lexa.” She squeezes your hand.

“But… I feel like my name is stained.”

“If you don’t want me to take your name, I won’t.”

“Then it’s gonna be Clarke and Lexa Griffin.” You state. “Are you sure about that?”

“More than anything.”

\\\

It was rather boring. You’ve been taken into a tiny room, with a lawyer and an employee from the state.

This is probably going to cost you a fortune, but you have the money you’ve inherited from your parents. Not that Clarke knows about that, but you think that this will be the perfect way to spend it.

You have to say; ‘I do’ and sign papers and the next moment, you’re standing outside.

A married woman.

Your fingers are laced with hers, the papers tucked safely underneath your arm.

“Clarke?” you turn to look at her. The sun is warm, the air way more humid than you’re used to.

“Yes?” she can’t seem to be able to wipe the smile off her face.

“You’re my wife.” You smile. “You’re my wife and… I love you. Can I say my vows, now?”

“Do you have vows?” she seems surprised.

“I thought about it last night.” You admit rather shyly. It feels dumb, but you’ve been thinking about it all night.

“How about…” she seems to think. “…how about we go ring shopping, then we drive to the lake that’s somewhere up north and say our vows there?”

“You have vows too?” you smile.

“Not yet, but I’m buying myself some time to think of it.”

You just lean in. You kiss her. You instantly feel her hands on your face to keep you in place.

You don’t care that you’re in front of the city hall in North Carolina.

You don’t care that there are many people looking at you. You care that you’re married and that the love of your life is kissing you.

You care about Clarke. You love her, you married her because you want to be with her, always.

“Okay.” You say breathlessly, pulling back. “Let’s find us some rings.”

\\\

You are the one driving up north at the end of the day. You are exhausted and over the moon at the same time.

Clarke sits next to you, softly humming along the music while she holds a small box close to her heart.

The box that contains your wedding rings. You’ve managed to find very beautiful, small wedding bands. They’re simple, white gold and they are perfect for the two of you.

You have your hand on her thigh, her free hand on top of yours, her thumb mindlessly caressing your skin.

You drive up north, your windows rolled down and it’s perfect. You went to KFC to grab some food.

You chuckle to yourself. Your wedding day consisted of shopping and eating KFC and it’s probably the best day of your life.

“This isn’t at all how I imagined us getting married.” You smile, squeezing her leg softly.

“Me neither.” She glances at you, that sparkling smile on her face. Her sunglasses on the tip of her nose, her blue eyes glancing at you over them.

“I’m really going to have to get used to the fact that I’m a Griffin, now.” You wink at her, before looking back to the road.

“It suits you.”

“Thanks?” you smile, hearing her giggle.

“Lexa?”

“Yes?” you glance at her again shortly, finding her curious eyes on you.

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” You state, as a matter of fact. You trust her.

She promised you to open up to you more and you trust her. Every promise she’s made that past years, she’s always kept them.

You trust her completely.

“Will you trust me when I say that you’re the best thing that's ever happened to me?” the happiness in her voice is evident.

“Yeah.” You smile. You can feel her fingers threading your own. Her hand is warm and soft and you hate that you’re driving right now because all you want to do is kiss her.

“Do you mind that… we are here to search your brother and we changed plans completely?” She chuckles softly.

“We can do that tomorrow, Clarke.” You smile. “You’re still my priority.”

“I don’t deserve you.” she says, making you look back at her.

You smile when you watch her look at you, her eyes twinkling and happy, her smile so fucking precious.

“Actually, I think I’m the one not deserving _you_.” you mumble.

She doesn’t really reply as you drive off the highway, following the GPS. You googled a place near this lake where tourists usually don’t come.

You don’t want to be bothered by anyone.

Just when you park the car near the shoreline, your phone rings.

“It’s Marcus.”

Clarke softly urges you to take it, but you panic. “Do we tell him?”

“How about we tell them all when we get back?” she smiles.

“Okay.”

You put him on speaker. “Hey, you’re on speaker.”

“You, too!” Abby’s voice sounds in the distance and you can hear Jake and Marcus’ laughter.

“Hey, kids. How is it going over there, did you visit him yet?” Kane’s worried voice sounds. “We haven’t heard from you ever since you landed.”

“We’re fine, Marcus.” Clarke smiles, leaning into the chair. She lifts her arm to play with the babyhairs in your neck, softly caressing the skin.

“We haven’t visited yet.” You admit quietly.

“I thought those were today’s plans?” Jake’s voice sounds, quite confused.

“Yeah, well, we are going to his parents tomorrow. We had some… things to do today first.” You smile at her. You watch how she shoves her sunglasses in her hair, her blue eyes searching yours.

“Oh, okay.” Abby sounds like she’s whispering something, but you don’t understand.

“Are you two alright?” Jake sounds again.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?” Clarke arches a brow, her gaze still focused on you.

“You sound a bit… off.”

You hold back a giggle. You want to tell them, but to tell them over the phone seems… rude. And you already agreed to tell them when you return.

“No, we’re good.” You insist, smiling at Clarke. “We are really good.”

“Oh, well.” Kane’s grin almost sounds through the phone. “Let us know when you find him, okay?”

“We will.” You promise.

“Have fun, kids.” Jake laughs.

“Thank you.”

You shake your head in amusement when you hang up. “They must be gossiping together.”

“They always do. They’re like those old ladies that can’t stop gossiping about everyone in the family.” Clarke chuckles, looking out over the lake. “Looks like google was right. Let’s… get married again.”

You chuckle, sliding out the car. The air is hot, but it feels like it’s already cooling down since the sun is lowering in the sky.

The lake is full with boats in the distance, but the little park you’re at is empty.

You feel how Clarke presses herself into your side, as if it’s impossible for her to ever part from you.

It’s the best feeling in the world, really.

The lake is beautiful. The little park is beautiful. You take off your shoes when you step onto the sand, reaching the water.

Clarke never removes herself from your side and the silence between the two of you is comfortable.

Your toes in the water, you curl them a bit, quietly going over your vows in your head.

“Shall we begin?” she smiles, the box tucked underneath her arm as she reaches for both your hands.

“Yeah.” You smile, feeling how she moves to press your bodies flush. She takes the box.

“Can I start?” she asks softly, making you nod. Your heart is just… overflowing. She shoves her free hand into her pocket, only to reveal a ring.

It’s not a wedding ring. It’s an engagement ring. There’s no box, just her fingers toying with the ring, her breath hitching when she moves to hold it in front of you.

“I proposed to you four weeks ago and I didn’t have a ring.” She smiles. “I… I took Octavia and Anya shopping with me because I felt like they’d know best what you would like so… here.”

You look at it. It’s beautiful. It’s simple, but elegant. The stone is white, the material probably silver or white gold and you love its simplicity.

“I know you’re not much of a jewellery person so…” her smile is shy.

“I love it.” You smile. You want to lean in to kiss her, but she takes your hand to slide the ring on your finger.

“Will you marry me?” she asks, her voice soft and low when her blue eyes snap up to look into yours.

“I already am, Clarke. But I would. Every day.”

You’re so fucking happy. You trust her, you know this.

You know this the moment her blue gaze meets yours.

You know this the way she looks at you with that smile.

She fiddles with the box that contains your wedding rings to take out the ring you’re going to wear.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we gather here today…” she grins.

“You’re such a dork.” you laugh softly.

“Shush.” She won’t hear it, her smile never leaving her lips. Your fingers move to trace her hairline from her forehead down to her ear, your thumb brushing the soft skin of her cheek.

She’s so beautiful.

“So, uhm… well…” she looks like she doesn’t know where to start. “I never really though myself of the relationship type. I never thought I would get married, because I didn’t think I ever wanted to. I didn’t think I would ever have the time to fall in love. I didn’t think that I would earn that, really.

I think that changed the moment I met you. I’ve always felt different about you. I’ve always felt this pull whenever you were in the same room. I’ve always felt like myself around you, the moment I started to get to know you. Even though the start was… strained. Even though it wasn’t smooth at all, I just knew that you were different.

You looked at me differently. People started telling me that maybe I should let you in. A voice in my head started telling me that, too. I know I haven’t always been open with you. I know I haven’t always been… transparent and communicative, but I promise I will.

I promise because you’re my wife and I love you. I promise that I will be here for you, that no matter what happens, I’ll be here. I’ll always be yours, for as long as you’ll have me and no matter where we are, I belong to you. I promise you that I will love you forever. I promise you that I will do everything that I can to make you happy and to support you, to make sure that you’re okay.

I promise that we can be scared together, that we will do everything together, because I think that’s what marriage is about. I love you, Lexa _Griffin_. I love you with everything that I am, with everything that I have and I didn’t think it’d be possible, but here I am… being a sap for you.

So, uhm… we already said our ‘I do’s’. And I would do that all over again, every day, just to remind you that I’m not going anywhere.”

She fumbles with the ring, taking your hand. Before she slides the ring on your finger, she looks up at you with questioning eyes.

You tried not to cry, you really did. She turns you into a mushy, sappy, cheesy woman and you hate it just as much as you love it.

You bite your lips when you nod softly.

“So, uhm… that’s all I could come up with.” She holds your hand while you glance at the ring around your finger. The weight isn’t much, but it’s there.

“It’s perfect, Clarke.” You feel her hand slide further into yours. You bring it up to your mouth to press a soft kiss there. “I guess it’s my turn, now?”

She nods, handing you the box with the ring for her.

“Okay.” You scrape your throat, getting ready to say your promises. You take the ring, trying to hold back your annoyingly emotional tears when you look into her ocean blue eyes.

“God, you’re beautiful.” You murmur.

“That’s it?” she huffs, making you swat her arm gently.

“No.” you roll your eyes amusedly. “No, what I want to say is that… you drive me crazy. You always have. The moments you look at me I just know that I want to be with you forever. I want to watch us grow old together, until we’re in elderly homes annoying our fellow seniors. I want us to share our lives together, for better or for worse. I want to be there for you when things get bad. I want to soothe your pain, I want to remind you that things will be okay again. I want to be with you and watch you grow into the woman you’ll turn into. The woman I love.

You’re just… amazing, Clarke. Whenever you say that you love me I feel the need to say I love you more. Whenever you say you need me I feel the need to say I need you more, because I do. You just make me who I am. You make me… well… you and me together we’re just us. I’d be nothing without that and I promise you that I will be us with you forever.

I promise I will take care of you and I promise I will remain a sappy, lovesick puppy for you for the rest of my life.

So, yeah, I’ll just put the ring on your finger and kiss you really hard because that’s what I’ve been wanting to do the moment we arrived here.”

You hear her bright laugh. You hear her chuckles when you clumsily slide the ring on her finger.

You watch her laugh falter when you tuck her closer, your surroundings completely forgotten.

“And now, you may kiss the bride.” Clarke chuckles.

You take her face between your hands carefully when you lean in.

All you know is her softness. All you know is her lips pressed against yours and the thought of being able to do that for the rest of your lives makes you want to cry.

But you don’t. You promise her everything through this kiss. You are soft when you deepen it, and it feels like you’re kissing her for the very first time, despite it being so familiar, despite you know the way she tastes, the way she moves against you.

Your heart flutters, your mind goes blank and you just feel her. You breathe against her lips when you change angles, so desperate to tell her how you feel about her.

So desperate to let her know what words can’t tell. You have no idea how long you stand there, kissing her as if your entire life depends on it.

You have no idea, but when you pull back, opening your eyes, the sun has set, your lips are aching and the muscles in your jaw are sore.

But she’s worth it. The way she looks at you with her blue, blue eyes. The vulnerability in her gaze, the love. It’s so fucking worth it.

You breathe heavily when you press your forehead against hers. Your arms snake around her shoulders, pulling her in a tight hug.

You can feel her face nuzzle in your neck, pressing featherlight kisses on the skin there.

“Does this make the trip our honeymoon?” you murmur in her ear, your lips brushing her hair.

“I suppose?”

“Yeah. We’ll have to throw a party when we get back.”

You can feel her arms around your waist. You can feel how she presses herself against you tightly.

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“We’re married.” She chuckles happily.

“Yes, we are.”

\\\

You’re fucking nervous when you stand in front of _the_ door. The door of the house of Nyko and Sarah.

You are pretty sure you’re breaking Clarke’s hand when you squeeze it anxiously, afraid to knock.

You feel the nerves running through your veins, the fear of the unknown. You have no idea what to expect.

“We don’t have to do this.” Clarke softly reminds you.

“No, I…” you knock before you change your mind.

You don’t think you’ve ever been more nervous in your life.

It takes a moment before the door swings open and a big guy with kind, grey eyes and a huge beard appears in front of you.

His eyes sparkle in amusement when he looks between you and Clarke while you gape at him.

This must be Nyko.

“Uhm, I’m Lexa.” You awkwardly say, the words lingering in your throat.

“Are you… Clarke Griffin?” he eyes your wife curiously with recognition.

“Uh, yeah?” she smiles just as awkwardly as you feel.

You look at Nyko. He seems kind. He seems like the good kind of man and you feel a sudden urge to leave. You feel a sudden urge to run, because from what you see in this man, he seems like the father you’d dream of having.

“What can I do you for?” he glances between the two of you once again, plucking his beard in curiosity.

You open your mouth to speak. You only use your maiden name because it might be familiar for him, though the chances are small. “I’m Lexa Woods.”

His eyes widen a little, as if he only now realises who you are. He doesn’t speak, though. He stands there, waiting for you to say more, but you don’t think you can.

You don’t think you’re able to say anything. Your knees are wobbly and you can’t think anymore.

You feel dizzy. You turn on your heels, leaving before you can say more, dragging Clarke with you.

She almost stumbles to the ground.

“Lexa, what is this?” she tries to stop you.

“Look at him.” You motion to the door. It’s still open, but Nyko disappeared. “He’s great. He… Gustus must be happy. I can’t… I can’t barge in there and ruin the dream, Clarke. If Gustus is happy than I won’t intrude, I can’t do that, I can’t ruin his life by walking in and telling him that his biological mother…”

You feel a tap on your shoulder. You gasp when you watch Clarke look behind you with big, shocked blue eyes.

You are afraid to turn around, but Clarke makes you.

You’re met with brown, curious eyes. A man. Or rather, a boy turning into a man stands in front of you.

Your eyes roam his face, but there’s nothing familiar in his features. He has half-long dark curls, thick eyebrows a subtle stubble that makes him look older than he probably is. He is good-looking, seeming to work out and the way he dresses and carries himself around tells you he might be in a rock band or something.

He is big and tall and nothing like you’d expect him to be.

He doesn’t really speak when he looks at you, seeming to do the same thing you’re doing to him.

His eyes are so kind and curious, so telling that you wonder why he wouldn’t even bother trying to hide his feelings to you, since you’re practically a stranger.

“G-gustus?” you stutter. His eyes widen.

His lips part lightly when he seems to realise who you truly are. Without a word, he crushes you in a hug.

He smells strangely familiar, even though you’ve never met him before. You don’t waste time in wrapping your arms around his muscled waist.

“Lexa.” His voice is soft when he holds you against him. The world around you seems to fade.

This has only ever been a dream. This is only something that happened in your imagination and it’s nothing the way you expected it to be.

You close your eyes when you cling onto him.

“It really is you.” he pulls back, his voice heavier than you’d expect. But it trembles and you can tell that he’s emotional.

“You know who I am?” you gape at him, your hands resting on his sides as if it’s something you’ve been doing all your life.

“Yeah, I’ve been…” his eyes search your face. “…I’ve been trying to find my roots. I’ve been trying to contact you, but I could never… I was too afraid.”

You don’t have the words, really. You’re standing here, in the suburbs of Charlotte, on the pavement, your brother in front of you.

Your brother that looks nothing like you and yet you feel like you’ve known him forever.

Only now you seem to remember the world around you. Your eyes dart behind Gustus and you see Nyko, smiling proudly with his arm wrapped around a woman right next to him.

The woman has the same, typical smile on her face when she tries to wipe away tears from her cheeks, leaning into her husband.

And Clarke. You look at her, watching how she’s wiping away tears from her cheeks, too.

The smile she has on her face must be the most beautiful smile you’ve ever seen and only now, you step back to part from your brother.

“Uh, well…” you realise how awkward it still is. “This is my wife, Clarke Griffin.”

“Wife?” Gustus seems surprised, but extends his hand anyway.

“Actually… we got married yesterday.” Clarke smiles when she takes his hand.

“Wow, congratulations.” Gustus grins, now. “Well, I’m Gustus, but you can call me Gus. Welcome, Lexa, Clarke. I’ve… you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this moment to happen.”

“How long exactly?” you smile at him, making him laugh softly.

“Just about five years, really.” He smiles. “Meet Nyko and Sarah, my parents.”

“Hi again.” You smile awkwardly, shaking Nyko’s hand. You continue to Sarah. She seems kind when she smiles, her long hair blonde and straight, her dark eyes sparkling when she looks at you with pride.

Clarke doesn’t really speak when she shakes their hands, too flabbergasted to speak. You only feel the same way.

You hover near the door, not really wanting to go in just yet.

“Uhm…”

“This is overwhelming.” Gustus speaks, standing in front of you. He seems mature for his age.

“Yes.” You nod, not embarrassed to admit it all.

“How about you guys join us for dinner tomorrow?” Nyko proposes. “I think that we can all agree that… we are here on good terms and that the two of you want to get to know each other?”

Your gaze never leaves your brother’s face. He’s good looking in a way you didn’t really expect him to.

“Yes.” You say again, not able to find more words.

“Sounds like a good idea.” Clarke scrapes her throat. “We can now… trying to comprehend what the _fuck_ is happening.”

Her eyes widen the moment she realises she is swearing, making her throw her hand against her mouth.

You don’t expect for Nyko, Sarah and Gustus to start laughing. You can’t hold back a chuckle either when you feel her hand slipping into your own.

The five of you just stand there on the porch, giggling like ten year olds and it is the best feeling in the world.

“It is so great to meet you.” Sarah speaks up. “I’ve been trying to encourage Gus to find you sooner.”

“I didn’t have the courage, I’m sorry.” His eyes sparkle in a way that feels familiar for you.

“Don’t be.” You shake your head. “I’m twenty-nine, I could’ve searched sooner, too.”

“Touché.” He smiles. He doesn’t hesitate when he pulls you into another hug.

Your eyes flutter closed, you untangle your fingers from Clarke’s to reciprocate the hug.

You feel incredibly small against his big body. It’s strange, really.

The only sibling love you’ve experienced was Clarke and Aden. And they are twins and ridiculously affectionate in a way that almost nobody is.

They can have telepathic moments from time to time and in no way you expected to be this affectionate with your own biological sibling, but he seems… not to mind.

You have no idea how long you hug him, as if you’re trying to make up for the lost years.

When you pull back, there is simply a comfortable silence.

You take a step back, pressing yourself against Clarke.

“Okay. I have to go and process this now.” You mutter with a smile, making the four of them laugh again.

“Me, too.” Gustus smiles widely while his mother moves to wrap an arm around his shoulder.

“Join us tomorrow? How about at six, here?” she speaks.

You can only nod.

You barely notice you saying goodbye to the Olsson’s. You barely notice that Clarke takes you to the parked rental car, tucking you in the passenger seat.

You barely notice that she drives you around the city without speaking much. You just stare outside. You try to understand what just happened.

You try to comprehend that you actually found your brother and that he seems like a fine young man.

His parents seem amazing, too.

You feel so many things that you can’t understand right now. You don’t notice yourself toying with your fresh engagement and wedding ring, both placed on the same finger on your left hand.

You barely notice that Clarke’s hand is on your thigh, softly caressing the fabric of your thin trousers.

You instantly feel comforted the moment you realise it, though.

You glance aside, watching Clarke drive silently, her hair waving softly in the wind the open window allows.

Her lips are tugged in a relaxed smile and the sunglasses rest on the tip of her nose.

She’s beautiful. She’s your freaking wife and so much has happened the past forty-eight hours that you feel like it’s a dream, except that it isn’t.

“You’re staring at me.” She smiles in amusement, never really taking her eyes off the road.

“You’ve been driving me around for…” you glance at the time on your phone. “…two hours.”

“You looked like you needed it.” She looks at you shortly, her blue eyes popping above the sunglasses when she dips her head.

“Yeah. I just… I can’t wrap my head around it.” You shake your head, focusing back outside.

Charlotte is a beautiful city, really. It’s clean, it’s sunny. It’s not like LA at all and it’s refreshing to be out of the big city for once.

“It’s a lot to take in.” Clarke agrees softly, while you take her hand in your own. She squeezes it softly. “He’s not like I expected him to be.”

“Yeah.” You smile.

“I expected him to look like you, honestly.” The blonde then chuckles. “I don’t know why I’m so naïve to think that every sibling should look alike.”

“We’re half-siblings.” You remind her.

“I know, but still. You showed me a picture of your mom and you’re just… you look exactly like her. I expected him to look like her, too.” Her voice is softer than before and you know she’s walking on eggshells.

“Yeah. I think I somehow expected that, too. But there is something about him that I find familiar and I just can’t put my finger on it.” You think back about the way his eyes sparkled, the way he carries himself around.

It’s vaguely familiar.

“Are you okay with us eating there tomorrow?” she continues.

“Yes.” You’re sure. “I want to… get to know him. I have to know that he’s okay.”

“Would you like to have him in your life permanently?” she’s asking the question you’ve been asking yourself the past weeks, the past hours.

A question you don’t know the answer to.

“I think… I’ll leave that up to him.” You say. “He lives across the country, Clarke. Even if he were to stay, I’d barely see him.”

“I guess we will have to see where it goes.” Clarke smiles. In that moment, her phone rings through the car.

It has Bluetooth and Clarke answers handsfree.

“Hey, chica’s!” Octavia’s voice sounds. “How are you two? Found him yet?”

It makes you smile. Everyone has been so thoughtful and adorable and you know you couldn’t have done it without their support.

“We did.” You softly say. You hear a gasp coming from Octavia and more people.

“Who is there?” Clarke asks for you.

“Me.” Octavia’s grin is evident through the phone. “Everyone.”

“Everyone?” you huff in amusement when you hear chatter in the background.

“Yeah, you know.” Lincoln’s voice sounds. “Anya, Raven, Nate, Aden, Ontari, Marcus, Jake, Abby, Octavia and me.”

“Wow.” You let out an overwhelmed chuckle. “Are they all listening?”

You hear a lot of yesses in the background, some chuckling but also bickering. It warms your heart.

“Yeah, we knew that you were going today and we decided to you know… be your support for the day.” Kane’s voice sounds.

“Tell us!” Nate suddenly sounds. You can hear a shriek from him, someone probably teasing him.

You feel overwhelmed to think that they all care so much that they met up just to call you all together.

“He’s lovely.” You crack. You crack and you bite your lips because you want to hold yourself together.

It remains silent on the other end of the line. You glance at Clarke, silently asking her to take over.

“He’s great, guys.” She smiles now, too, still driving mindlessly. “We were only there shortly because it was overwhelming for them. We are going for dinner there tomorrow.”

“What’s he like?” Raven sounds like she’s munching on food.

“Not what we expected. He’s really tall, brown eyes. Has darker hair but the same curly hair Lexa has.” Clarke grins. “He’s really kind and open and I think that he would love to get to know her. He seems very mature for his age.”

“Can we all come?” Raven continues.

“Don’t be weird, Raven.” Your wife snorts and you try to hold back a chuckle through your sobs as you follow the conversation.

“Raven, shut up. Let them have their moment there.” You can hear Anya, then a sound of someone slapping someone else and Raven grumbles something under her breath.

“I’m sure you’ll get the chance to meet him sometime.” You finally say. The line falls quiet again.

“Yeah?” Abby now sounds, quite hopeful actually.

“Yes. If he wants to meet you.” you continue.

There’s a lot of enthusiastic banter in the background, when Jake sounds. “We’re happy for you, kid. Have fun tomorrow.”

“Thank you, Jake.” You smile. You almost feel guilty for marrying his daughter in secret.

You know he would approve, but you have no idea how the Griffins would respond if you’d tell them that you’re a Griffin now, too.

You want to tell them now. You feel the urge to do it, but you know it would be better to tell them face to face.

“Okay, guys, we’re gonna grab some food.” Clarke laughs. “We will talk to you later.”

“Goodluck, Lexa!” everybody calls out and your wife ends the call.

“What food are we grabbing?” you smile at her.

“Whatever you want, love.”

\\\

You’re nervous when you stand in front of the house for the second time. You’re nervous when Clarke knocks the door for you, carrying a bouquet of flowers for Sarah’s troubles to make dinner.

Your anxiety falters the moment Gustus jerks open the door enthusiastically, dragging both you and Clarke inside to pour you glasses of wine and soda.

Sarah is thrilled with the flowers that Clarke chose for her and you love how your wife falls into conversation with the woman.

You love how Clarke involves Nyko, too, so you can have a moment with your biological half-brother.

You fall into easy conversation with him while he guides you outside, into the yard with the greenest grass you’ve ever seen. It offers a view over the skyscrapers in the distance and he offers you a seat around the large table.

He sits across from you when he asks you about your life. You find yourself telling him things in all honesty while your wife and Gus’ parents prepare dinner inside.

He tells you about his life. You learn that he’s an artist, just graduated from the local university. He admits that he will start at Berkeley in two weeks, going for his masters degree in historical art in California.

He confesses that he applied at Berkeley to be able to find you, since he knew you were still living in LA.

It warms your heart, to think that he wanted to do this to find you after all.

He tells you that he has known about you all his life. He tells you that his parents searched for you when they heard that your parents died. They wanted to take you in, too.

It almost makes you cry. How different your life would have been.

He notices. He’s quite emotional himself, too. He cries and he is not ashamed of it when he tells you that he’s been thinking about your real mother for a long time.

He tells you that he has been feeling guilty the moment he knew that his birth ‘ruined your life’.

You tell him that he’s got nothing to worry about. You tell him that it is not his fault, but that your parents were simply humans and made mistakes.

He only believes you when you pull him into a hug.

The moment his parents and Clarke join you and you start on dinner, the atmosphere shifts.

It’s like you’ve know all three of them for years. You love how you fall into easy conversation with them, but also talk about your life and about Gus’ adoption and how everything just… didn’t fall together completely.

How things were different when they realised that they wanted to take you in, too. How you are hurt with the thought about those what ifs.

But you smile through dinner, grateful for what _is_. Grateful that he is healthy and happy and that he clearly wants to be in your life.

You’re grateful that he has found amazing parents who seem to love him just as much as you’re loved by Marcus.

You tell them about how Kane saved your life. You find yourself talking with all of them, them listening to your stories and they telling you theirs.

And Clarke listens. She sits beside you, holding your hand or her arm casually resting on the back of your chair.

Gustus confesses that he’s bisexual and Clarke instantly loves him for it, claiming to be that, too.

They fall into conversation about art and galleries and hopes and dreams and you can’t wipe the smile off your face when Clarke enthusiastically invites him to go gallery hunting sometime.

It’s good.

Almost too good. It’s perfect and you wonder whatever you did to deserve it all. To deserve Clarke, to deserve the family she gave you.

You wonder what you did to deserve a happy brother who seems thrilled to meet you.

You wonder that, despite how crappy your life used to be, how it all turned out to be so amazing.

You find yourself staying at their house until it’s deep into the night and you still don’t want to go.

But everyone starts yawning and you know it’s time to go. You agree to meet them again before you leave to get back to LA.

You exchange numbers, Nyko creating a group chat with the five of you to stay in touch.

You find yourself loving them already.

It’s strange to say goodbye again, it’s strange to be hugged by not only Gus, but Nyko and Sarah, too.

It’s overwhelming and so, so beautiful.

You know it’s more than you expected. It’s so much more and the way you can feel your heart beat contently in your chest tells you that your entire life has been worth it.

All your pain has been worth it when you look into Gus’ sparkling eyes.

All your pain has been worth it when you feel Clarke’s arm around your waist while you try to say goodbye to these amazing people.

You know your pain has been worth it when you climb into the car and your phone has exploded with caring messages from your friends back in LA.

It’s always been worth it when Clarke drives you back to the hotel and you call with Nate.

It’s all worth it when you facetime the boy and you accidentally reveal your engagement- and wedding ring.

It’s all been worth it when your family and friends happen to be there, too, all so fucking excited about your marriage and nobody judges you for doing it without them.

It’s worth it when they plan a party for you when you get back, instantly wanting to invite Gustus, Nyko and Sarah, too.

It’s just fucking worth it when you realise how many people you have in your life, who care about you, who love you and there is no way in hell that you would even let one of them go.

Because it’s family.

Your family.

Your world.

\\\

The party that they’ve planned is a week after you return.

Every single one of them has been overly excited, congratulating you and hugging the living shit out of both you and Clarke.

Even Callie is coming, Marcus’ new girlfriend. Or rather, his fiancée. A shy woman that you’ve grown to love in a short period of time.

The amount of people in your life is just ridiculous by now.

Your family seems to grow.

Your world is big and you love it. You feel safe around them.

“What are you thinking about?” Clarke husks as you lie on your side, the first night back into LA after spending your honeymoon slash searchparty in North Carolina.

It has been a perfect week.

“Us. Family. Us.” You smile. You can feel her behind you, her fingers trailing the tattoo on your spine.

You can feel her lips brushing over your shoulder.

You wiggle your butt further into her, needing to have her with you.

“Yeah?” she presses her smile against the back of your neck, her arm softly sliding around your waist to pull your naked back against her front.

“I didn’t think that…” you start, turning to lie on your back while Clarke’s hand casually roams your stomach. You love the feeling of her. “…I didn’t think that things would turn out this well.”

“What things?” she asks you, propping her head up, leaning on her hand while she glances down at you with wild, happy eyes. Her curls are pretty when you tuck them away from her face.

Your eyes trail the details of her gorgeous face.

“Meeting you. Marrying you. Creating a family together. Being loved by your friends and family and unknowingly creating more couples.” You chuckle when you think about Lincoln, Octavia, Raven and Anya. “Finding Gus and his parents.”

“Yeah.” She smiles. “It’s what you deserve, Lexa.”

“You, too.” You smile. You tuck your hand in her neck to pull her closer. You arch your back from the mattress, seeking more contact.

You love the feeling of her bare belly against your own, her boobs brushing over your own.

You love how her leg slips between yours.

“Are you sure you’re up for the party next week? My moms gonna drag us to go shopping for weddingdresses.” Clarke smiles happily into the kiss.

“Wedding dresses?” your eyes grow wide.

“What did you expect? They didn’t get a real wedding so they’re creating one for us anyway.” Your wife chuckles.

“Oh… hey, Clarke?” you ask her softly. It’s really in the middle of the day, but you’ve been making love all morning and it’s the best feeling in the world.

“Yes?” her eyes sparkle.

“When is Nate going to meet his mother?” you watch her happiness falter and you almost regret asking her.

“Uhm, Lincoln made an appointment for tomorrow. We are going to be there, too.” She purses her lips, rolling off you, but you tuck her back on top of you.

“Clarke.” You take her face between your hands. You can feel her caving in when she presses her forehead against your own. “It’ll be okay.”

“I want to believe you.” she sighs. Her lips search yours then, desperately.

You hold her close while you show her how much you love her.

“It’ll be alright, Clarke. You have to have a little faith.” You smile while you whisper the words.

“I’ll try.” She nods.

You brush her nose with your own softly. You can feel her eyelashes on yours when she closes her eyes.

You can feel her soft skin against your own while she divides her weight over your body.

“Lexa?” she then opens her eyes again.

You’re met with the most fragile gaze you’ve ever seen.

“Yes?”

“If… his mother doesn’t… want him…” she swallows away a lump in her throat. “Do you want to adopt him with me?”

A smile breaks on your face.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

\\\

You and Clarke are way too anxious when you sit in a silly café with Nathan, waiting for his mother to show up.

He seems quite relaxed and you glare at him when he giggles at your nerves.

Clarke looks pale, despite her tan. She looks pale, like she’s about to throw up and you know she will at some point, probably.

Nathan has been trying to convince them that he doesn’t want to go back to his mother, but Clarke never believed him.

She’s so insecure about everything and you wish you could take that doubt away. Except that you feel it, too.

You drum your fingers on the table impatiently when you spot a woman walking in. A woman with the same dark skin that Nate has, the same facial structure.

She has a relaxed look on her face, but that falters when she spots her son.

She stops in her tracks and you follow her every move. Her eyes grow, her lip trembles when she finally decides to step closer.

Without a word, she falls onto the chair on the other side of the table.

You look at Nate. You know that he hasn’t seen his mother in years. He looks uncomfortable when the woman look at him.

“I’m Ingrid.” She introduces herself to both you and Clarke, but her gaze lingers on your wife. “We’ve met.”

“Under unfortunate circumstances.” Clarke rubs her chin uncomfortably.

It’s awkward and you don’t know what to say. Nathan keeps staring at his mother, but doesn’t reach for her.

Instead, he shuffles further into Clarke’s side.

Despite the fact he’s twelve, he doesn’t seem uncomfortable with the affection he has for Clarke.

He doesn’t seem ashamed to press himself against her to seek comfort and it makes your heart swell with pride.

Ingrid notices.

“Nathan…” she begins. Both you and Clarke have no idea why she’s even here in the first place. “…Nate, I am here to apologize to you.”

You glance at the woman in surprise. You can see the pain in her features, in her eyes. You can see that she has a hard time being here.

You can tell that she is sincere.

“Nate, I left when I should have been there for you.” she looks like she’s on the brink of crying and Nathan lets her speak. He’s quiet. “I know that your father… that I… allowed him to do things he never should have done. I know that… I should have stood up for you and I didn’t. Do you remember when he got arrested?”

“Yeah.” He finally speaks.

“I walked away from you. I left you.” Ingrid cracks now, burying her face in her hands.

You admire her for this. You admire her for facing the truth, even though you don’t know her motives.

You can feel Clarke’s hand find your thigh and she squeezes.

“I am so, so sorry, Nate. I am so sorry that I couldn’t be the mother you needed me to be.” She cries now.

Nathan seems… calm. Calm and happy at the same time, but he doesn’t remove himself from Clarke’s side.

“I know that I have made a mistake, Nate. I want you to know this. I want you to know how sorry I am for not being your mother. I am here because… because I want to know if you’re happy.” Her eyes find yours and Clarke’s. She looks desperate and vulnerable. “Are you happy with them?”

The look on her face tells you that she already knows the answer, even though Nate hasn’t spoken yet.

He nods, a smile on his face. “I’m happy, _mom_.”

The word breaks your heart. You know it breaks Clarke’s, too.

A silence falls between the four of you, but it’s Nathan who speaks up again. “Thank you for… telling me. I’ve been waiting for this a long time now, but I knew you would.”

The woman crumbles completely. Nate instantly moves to her side to hold her. She’s still his mother after all.

You have no idea what they went through together. He barely speaks of it.

You watch him comfort his mother, while it should be the other way around. You wrap an arm around Clarke to tuck her close. You don’t care that you’re in public when you feel a tear stream down your face softly.

You watch how Ingrid clutches onto her son, before softly pushing him away.

“I want you to adopt him.” She states.

Your eyes nearly pop out of your head when your jaw drops. You can feel Clarke’s gasp next to you and the grip she has on her thigh almost makes you bleed.

“What?” Nate, Clarke and you say this in unison.

“You’re happy. You’re a family.” Ingrid breaks in front of you, glancing between the three of you. “I could never take care of him the way you can. He’s happy and you two love him more than anything, I can see it on your faces.”

“Ingrid… he is still your son, you know this right?” Clarke says, despite the fact that Nate is back against her side.

“And I will be forever grateful if you would take care of him, Clarke. You give him what I can’t. I will help you adopt him.” She seems sure of herself.

“Mom…” Nate’s voice now cracks, too.

“Do you want to be with them?” Ingrid asks him.

“Well, yeah, but…” Nate seems torn. “What about you?”

“I have made a mistake I can’t fix, Nathan.” She shakes her head. “I don’t deserve to be your mother.”

“What if I want you all?” his voice breaks.

“She can visit, Nate.” You speak up, too. “We can arrange things.”

“Yeah?” he looks hopeful and you hate it. You hate it because despite the effort that Ingrid has made, you don’t trust her. You don’t trust her to do what she’s saying right now.

Clarke is awfully quiet.

“Yes.” You smile at him. “This is about what you want, Nate.”

“Then I want to be with you.” he nods, looking between you and Clarke and you feel the need to run out the door and scream.

“Then that’s settled.” Ingrid wipes away her tears, her gaze meeting yours. “I am happy that you two can be for him what I couldn’t.”

Your wife scrapes her throat.

“Thank you for meeting us, Ingrid.” She speaks genuinely. “I did not expect this to happen.”

“I came here with the intention of taking him back.” Ingrid shakes her head in all honesty. “But the moment I saw him… he’s never looked better. I realised that I am not capable of looking after him the way he needs to be looked after. I know he’s happy with you.”

Nate nods, a tiny smile on his lips.

“And that is all I need.” She reaches for him. She lays her hand on the table for him to take and he does.

He does, while Clarke’s arm rests around his shoulder.

“He needs you.” she says. “And I need you to love him.”

“We will.” You are on the brink of crying.

“Then that is all I need to know.”

\\\

To say that the universe is on your side is an understatement.

The entire week you’ve been waiting for something to happen against your luck. The entire week you haven’t been able to sleep, you haven’t been able to stop thinking about your life as it is now.

You haven’t been able to comprehend how much good there is. You’re just waiting for it to crumble, to crash down on you and send you back to the way your life was before – empty and dull, filled with that kind of pain you tried to put away before it all changed.

But that moment never comes.

Abby, Jake, Marcus and Callie take you out shopping for a dress for the party. They express their happiness and you couldn’t be feeling loved more.

You go to Monty’s place. He has several dresses ready for you to fit.

You choose a simple, white dress. It’s casual and loose, thin straps and a low v-cut at the front.

The back dips so low that your entire tattoo shows. The fabric is silky and shiny and there’s a slit down the long skirt, right above your left leg.

You know Clarke will love it.

You know you will love whatever Clarke is going to wear.

Saturday comes sooner than you expect it to. It feels like you’re getting married to her all over again and you hate how Octavia and Anya kidnap you two days before to let you sleep at Octavia and Lincoln's place, because they tell you your wedding night should be special. 

Despite the fact you’ve already married her. It feels lonely. It’s been more than a year that you’ve spent more than one night apart from her and you miss her.

You hate that you can’t sleep because of it. You want her.

Thankfully, they’ve planned nothing big.

Thankfully, it’s just being held at the Griffin’s house.

You’ve decided to hold it at night, party starting at eight, since it is way too hot during the day.

Octavia and Callie work on your make up, while Anya braids your long, long curls.

You barely say a word. You’re so busy thinking about it all.

It just happened so fast and you can’t wipe the smile off your face when it’s finally time to get dressed.

The chaos of your friends around you goes completely unnoticed by you. You secretly retreat in the bathroom, dialling a familiar number.

Her voice is soft, so soft when she answers. You close your eyes when you imagine being there with her.

“Clarke.” You breathe.

“Hey, is there something wrong?” she sounds worried. You shake your head, not realising she can’t see you at all.

“No, it’s perfect, Clarke.” You glance in the mirror. You barely recognize yourself.

Your eyes fucking green, accentuated by the eyeliner Octavia applied. Your eyelashes are long and black.

Your eyebrows are relaxed, your lips upwards in a smile. You look happy. Radiant.

You look healthy, strong, the white, soft dress contrasting your tanned skin.

If you would’ve compared yourself to three years ago, you would’ve thought you’d be an entire different woman.

“I miss you.” she confesses then. “I couldn’t sleep without you. I hate them for parting us.”

“You don’t hate them.” You chuckle softly. There’s a knock on the door and you sigh, because you don’t want to stop talking to her. “I have to go.”

You can hear a soft whine. “Fine. I will see you… in about an hour.”

“I can’t wait, Clarke.” You smile. “I love you.”

“I love you more.”

You keep smiling when you hang up the phone. You open the door and Marcus walks in. He’s wearing a tux without a real jacket, only a vest.

It looks good on him.

“You… shaved.” You quirk a brow in amusement when you look at his smooth cheeks.

“Well, I figured it would look a little… better than my beard.” He grins, his dark eyes sparkling. He moves to stand in front of you, his hands on your shoulders. “I just wanted to say… before we go… I am really proud of you, Lexa. I’ve seen you grow into the woman you’ve become today and I don’t know how you did it.”

He swallows when he speaks softly. “Everything that you’ve been through… it’s been hard for you. I am so proud that you decided to move back to LA. I am so proud that you let Clarke in, that the two of you became so happy together. It was just inevitable.”

“Everyone keeps saying that.” You smile while you lean in to hug him. You may not always be open to him about your life. You may not share everything or talk much, but you love him.

He took you in. He is a good man and you will be eternally grateful for him.

“You’re a Griffin now.” He grins proudly.

“Are you not angry with me for marrying her without telling you?” you try to hold back the few tears escaping your eyes.

“How could I be?” he shakes his head. “Lexa, you’re an adult. You’re your own person. You make your own choices and I trust you with that. I am proud because I never expected you to be the way you are and I love you. I love you and I love Clarke and I love how happy the two of you are together.”

“Thank you.” you smile through your tears. “I love you, too.”

His smile is wide and proud and it is still strange to see him without a beard. “Now, let’s go to see your wife.”

“What have you planned for us?” you ask. They have been all secretive about tonight and you fear the worst.

“Just a little something, something.” Aden suddenly pops up in front of you.

“Aden?” your eyes widen when you fall into his arms. It surprises you that he’s here instead of with Clarke.

He chuckles when you cling onto him. When you pull back, you notice he’s wearing a white tux, quite similar to the one he wore at his parents thirtieth anniversary.

“What are you doing here?” you beam when you pull back. He is definitely the last person you expected to show up here.

He just smirks, reaching in his pocket. He pulls out the diamond ring you made for Clarke.

You gasp, your eyes wide. You were never able to find it in Charlotte anymore and you thought you never would.

“Wh-… how did you find it?” you instantly take it from him.

“Anya found it in your bedroom after you left. It must have fallen out or something.” He smiles.

“And you’re only giving it to me _now_?” you quirk an amused brow.

“Well, since you’re getting married I thought it’d be nice for you to be able to give it to Clarke, now. I know how much it means to you to be able to give it to her.” His blue eyes sparkle.

You pull him into another hug.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t lose it again.”

“I won’t. Also, we’re already married.” You grin mischievously when you pull back once again, enjoying the teasing sparkle in his eyes.

“I know. That makes you my sister, right?” he grins widely.

“Yes.”

“I’m really proud, have I told you that before?” he smiles now, a little more relaxed while he guides you to the living room of Lincoln and Octavia’s apartment, where you’ve been staying for the past few days.

“No, you haven’t.” you give him a kiss on his neatly shaved cheek.

Octavia, Anya, Marcus, Callie and even Ontari are to be found waiting for you there.

“Oh my god, you look beautiful.” Ontari’s eyes widen.

“Thank you.” you smile, hooking your arm through Aden’s. “You all look beautiful.”

Ontari’s dress is dark blue, making her skin look even darker than it already is. She looks radiant, with her hair in a simple updo.

Anya looks like she’s about to walk a fucking runway, a light blue suit with the highest heels you’ve ever seen. Her wavy hair is loose and the grin on her face is just way too smug.

Octavia wears red. A deep red, tight dress that hugs her in all the right places and her black hair is loosely draped around her face. They all look beautiful.

Callie wears a soft pink, long dress. She looks absolutely stunning by Kane’s side.

“How about we go, now?” you tap your foot impatiently on the floor, earning you a few laughs.

“Impatient to see your fiancée?” Aden teases.

“She’s my _wife_ , you idiot.” You smack his arm, laughing when he laughs, too.

You feel how Aden guides you outside, only for you to stop in your tracks when you see who’s waiting for you there.

“Gus!” you feel the need to cry once again. You let go of Aden, stumbling into Gus’ arms. Even though you’ve only met him a week and a half ago, he’s already such a big part of your life right now.

You’ve been talking to him through text a lot, called him a few times and you love that he’s moving to LA soon.

When you pull back, you notice how he’s just as neatly shaven as Aden is. His dark hair is tucked behind his ears, his black tuxedo looking really good on him.

“Gus.” Aden nods and you glance at him.

“You’ve met?” you smile.

“Yeah, we did. I’ve been in LA the past few days looking for a place to live.” Gustus grins, shaking Aden’s hand. “Plus, these people needed a hand to prepare the feast.”

“I’m glad you came, Gus.” You admit quietly, tucking your arm back through Aden’s.

“Me, too. Your family is… lovely.” He smiles, his dark eyes sparkling and you know that he means it.

You eye him suspiciously. “Did you meet Raven, too?”

“Oh, yes.” He lets out a laugh. “I could never forget Raven Reyes.”

You and Aden chuckle.

“Let’s go, shall we?” Marcus smiles.

“Are your parents here, too?” you ask Gustus, but he shakes his head.

“They couldn’t make it.”

“I hope you feel at ease with my friends, then.” You grin, teasing him a bit.

“Oh, I like them. Don’t worry about me.” He smiles when he disappears into his car. It was clearly organized when you watch Anya and Octavia slip into the car with him, while Aden guides you to…

Jake’s very new Jaguar.

“Really?” you roll your eyes.

“Yes, really. You can drive if you want to.” Aden laughs. “I will be joining you if you’ll let me. Marcus and Callie will go on their own and the rest is already on their way to Malibu.”

“Okay.” You smile, sliding into the passenger seat, letting Aden drive you up north.

“I was going to ask if you were nervous, but since you’re already married…” he grins, turning on the radio while he drives out the city. “I never really asked why you eloped.”

“It felt like the right thing to do.” You glance at him. His hair is tucked neatly back with wax, his smile exactly the same as Clarke can smile.

“Yeah?” he glances at you.

“Yes. We… we had an argument when we arrived. It wasn’t bad or anything, but just… a lot of things came up and she proposed it. It was her idea, something I never really expected her to do. And we just went for it. I wasn’t afraid at all, it felt like we should’ve done it all along.” You say in all honesty. “I don’t know how much she told you, but… well…”

“She told me some, but she told me her reasons. I wanted to hear yours.” His smile is directed towards you.

“Why?”

“I never really did the ‘if you break my sisters heart I will kill you’ thing, because I trusted you from the start. I won’t say it now either, but I just wanted to make sure that the two of you did the right thing.” He laughs.

“You trusted me from the start?” you raise an eyebrow. “But Clarke-”

“Clarke was already too far in the moment we met, Lexa.” Aden cuts in. “I could see it in her face.”

“And you never told her that? You went with it when she was complaining about me.” You chuckle, remembering very well what you walked into the first time you were at the Griffins.

“Yes, because I know my sister. She isn’t hard to read, probably especially not for me since I’ve known her all this time.” His face falls more serious when he drives up the pacific coast highway. “She… she smiled when she came back from your place that day, you know. She had this pretty smile on her face that told me that the night had been special to her. I knew that her stubbornness probably told you otherwise, but she cared.”

“Yeah?”

“You’ve got nothing to worry about, Lexa. Clarke loves you. She worked through her fears and married you. Whenever we talk relationship she can’t shut the fuck up about you. I think you’ve made the right choice when you chose her.” He hums in approvement.

“It’s good to hear that, Aden.”

“Which is why I want to ask you something. Advice maybe.”

“Go for it.” You encourage him.

“Do you think that Ontari and I are meant to be?” he bites his bottom lip when he glances at you shortly, before focusing back on the road. “I mean, you see it from the outside. We’ve been on many double dates and I just… do you think we’re meant to be together?”

“Are you having doubts about her?” you simply ask.

“No.”

“Then why are you asking?” you smile softly.

“I want to ask her to marry me, Lexa.” He smiles. “I guess I am just scared that she is going to say no.”

“I am pretty sure that she won’t, Ade. I’ve seen the way she looks at you when you don’t see it.” You grin. “It’s pretty nauseating.”

“And you don’t think that you and Clarke are nauseating?” he lets out a bark of laughter.

“I think we all are.” You chuckle with him. “But really, you will be fine. For what it’s worth – yes, I do think you and Ontari are meant to be. I don’t know every detail of your relationship together but you two seem really happy.”

“Thank you.” he gazes at you again. “If she says yes… would you like to be my best man? Woman?”

You gape at him. “Me? Don’t you want Clarke for that? Or Linc?”

“No.” he shakes his head. “She… Clarke means everything to me and everybody probably knows that. She has done so incredibly much for me. We grew up together and it was always us. But she is an us with you now. And I want to be an us with Ontari. If you get what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do.” You say, gazing out over the ocean. You watch the sun already lower in the sky while he drives.

“So, well… I want to ask you because you’ve always been there for me, too.” He shyly admits. “We’ve grown close and I trust you.”

“I’d be honoured, Ade.” You bite your bottom lip.

“Yeah?”

“Yes.” You smile. He reaches for your hand and softly takes it in his, squeezing softly before letting go. “I’ve always envied your relationship with Clarke.”

“Because of Gustus?”

“I suppose.”

“I see a lot of potential, though.” He seems happy for you. “He is a really cool guy. You have a lot in common with him.”

“I do?”

“Yes. Just in the way you guys act and speak, the way you think. You may not look alike, or have the same interests, I can definitely tell that you’re siblings.”

Malibu is coming closer and you feel sudden nerves running through your veins. “I am very grateful to have found him.”

“Yes. Just for what it’s worth, Lexa, you are my family, okay? I know you have plenty of people around you that love you, but I love you, too. And if you ever need anything, I am here. Just ask.” He throws a reassuring smile your way.

“Aden, thank you.” you squeeze his shoulder. “I want you to know that you can come to me, too.”

“I know.” he smiles, turning off the road to his parents house. “Which is why I asked you to be my best man. Woman.”

You giggle. “I love you, too.”

His eyes sparkle. “Let’s get you to your wife, shall we?”

“Yes.”

\\\

You cry the moment you step out the car.

Everyone is there, except Clarke. They tell you that she’s waiting for you in the yard.

They’ve decorated the entire place. They’ve arranged food and there are lights everywhere.

You are being pulled into hugs by everyone and you are more than overwhelmed.

You cry and Jake cries, too. You’ve never seen him cry, but he does when he pulls you into the tightest hug ever.

You watch how they are all dressed up, Raven, Lincoln, Nate is there, too.

He hugs you the tightest. He hugs the shit out of you and his eyes are glassy when he looks up at you.

“Hey, mom.” He mumbles.

You gape at him like an idiot. Your hands are on his shoulders and you blink a few times, trying to figure out if he said it right.

After the conversation with his real mom, you’d never expect him to call you this.

“What?” your bottom lip trembles.

“You’re going to be my mother. You already are, really.” he smiles proudly.

Everyone around you is quiet. You crush him into another hug, lifting him from the ground when he laughs.

He laughs and you laugh and you cry and you don’t want to ruin your make up, but the moment is over when Abby softly urges you to let him go.

Her dark eyes are sparkling. “Clarke is waiting for you. We’re going, but… you have a choice to make.”

“What choice?” you glance around the group curiously. It is only then that you notice a photographer taking photos.

You only smile, because it’s worth it. You want pictures of this night. You want to be able to look back on this.

“Who’s going to walk you down the aisle.” Marcus and Gustus suddenly pop up in front of you, while the rest quietly retreats, probably to sit wherever.

“There’s an aisle?” you are still at the parking space, so you can’t see the yard.

You take in the typical scent, the salty, grassy scent filling your nostrils. Crickets in the distance, the soft wind comfortably warm in your face while you tuck a few strands of hair behind your ears.

“Yes.” Gustus smiles widely. “I’d assume you would want Marcus to walk you down the aisle, Lexa, but… I would like to offer anyway.”

“Can’t you both walk me?” you glance between them. Marcus has his arm wrapped around Gustus’ shoulder, a smile on his face.

You lean in to hug Kane. You hug him tightly.

“Thank you.”

“For what?” he chuckles in amusement.

“For taking me in. For keeping me even when you didn’t have to. For _saving_ me.” You mumble in his shoulder.

“Always, Lexa. Always.” He grabs your shoulders to push you away lightly, but his gaze is boring into yours. “You’re my daughter, okay? Even if you never called me dad, you’ll always be my kid.”

“Yes.” You say.

You only now notice how Gustus hands you a small bouquet of soft pink and white flowers.

“The bride thingy, or whatever it’s called.” He grins.

You take it, smelling it for a moment. Your eyes flutter closed and you try to understand why the universe is being so kind to you.

You smile wider when you wrap your arms around your brother. He instantly reciprocates.

“Thank you so much for being here, Gus. You have no idea how much it means to me.” You press a kiss against his cheek when you release him.

“What can I say… it’s not every day that my sister gets married.” He jokes.

You smile. “All jokes aside, can you both take me down that aisle?”

“Yes.” The two men say in unison, turning slightly to offer their elbows to you.

You have the bouquet in your left hand, carefully leaning your arm through Gustus’. Marcus on your right side, they softly guide you around the house.

The sun is starting to set and the sky is light blue, turning into darker blue and purple and orange and it is fucking beautiful.

It’s perfect.

You gasp when you see the large yard. You gasp when you see _her_.

The lights everywhere turn on and soft music plays in the background as you glance at your wife.

She is standing at the end of the self-created aisle on the grass. She stands underneath a simple arch, covered in white flowers and lights.

You can’t stop the tears from flowing when you see her. Her smile is so fucking big that your heart almost can’t take it.

She is beautiful. Her hair is messy and loose, that beachy look that you love so much. Her eyes are sparkling, subtle make up and accessories around her face.

Her dress is almost just as simple as yours, though a little more bohemian style with lace sleeves. It’s loosely draped around her body and shows the right amount of cleavage and her curves.

She’s so fucking perfect.

Everyone cheers and whistles when you walk up to her between Gustus and Marcus, while you watch Abby and Jake stand right behind her.

“It’s almost like a real wedding.” You try to joke through your tears.

“We wanted to give you this.” Marcus smiles. “I hope you are okay with it.”

“Yes, god yes. More than okay.” You smile when you finally arrive near the arch.

You give Marcus and Gustus a kiss as they move to sit on the front row together. It doesn’t even feel strange to have Gus here.

You watch how Clarke kisses her parents, before they move to kiss you, too.

You’re left alone under the arch with Clarke. You squeeze the self-made, diamond ring in your hand, afraid to lose it again.

When Clarke wants to take your hands in hers, you shake your head. They’re full.

“So, is there a plan?” your eyes are focused on hers. So fucking blue. So fucking beautiful.

“No.” she shakes her head. “We can say whatever we want to say.”

“Well, I believe this belongs to you.” you smile when you look at her, handing her the ring.

She lets out a shaky breath when she looks at it. “The ring you made for me?”

“Yes.” You smile.

“It’s… my god, Lexa. It’s beautiful. It’s so fucking beautiful.” She lets you slide it around her finger.

“ _You’re_ beautiful.” You cup her face, dropping the flowers. You almost forget that your entire family is watching you.

The ocean in the background, the soft music. The people, the woman.

It’s so fucking perfect.

“I _love_ you.” you murmur. “I can’t fucking wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

You don’t hear them cry, you don’t hear them sigh happily. You don’t notice how they all look at the two of you there.

“I love you more, Lexa.” She smiles. “A wise person once told me that family is the people you choose to spend the rest of your life with. It’s not about blood, it’s about loving and caring. I’ve created _that_ world for myself, Lexa. It’s you. It’s you and them but mostly you.”

She remembers.

You smile. “I got to that place where I’m not afraid of who I am. It’s you, too.”

Everyone ‘aaahwww’s by now, but you still don’t hear it. You just hear the seagulls, the waves in the distance.

You hear her soft voice.

“Then let’s celebrate.” She smiles, pulling you closer. Your bodies flush, your hands still on her face, the flowers forgotten on the ground.

You trace her jawline with your fingers.

Her hands rest on your hips. You look at her. You just look at her.

She’s your wife.

You still can’t believe it, really.

“Kiss her!” Raven yells. “KISS HER ALREADY DAMNIT!”

You laugh, pressing your smile against hers. You press your lips against hers and you can’t stop that single tear escaping your eye.

You can’t stop the trembling of your lip when you change angles to show her how much you love her.

She’s your family.

It’s just…

Your world.

And you fucking love it.

\\\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I don’t know much about getting married in the US, because I am European, so lets just pretend that them getting married was completely realistic xD  
> Thank you so much for reading, you guys. I hope you liked it.  
> I want to thank you for all the love, the patience and the sweet comments!  
> I will probably be back in a few months with a new fic, more realistic and probably less sappy than this one, but well… I can never stop writing clexa because they are fucking endgame.
> 
> Thank you again.


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